Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode #531

"3 Common Situations In Which You Can 'Give In' & Still Be A Good Parent"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: October 29, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses a nuanced issue parents of strong-willed children frequently face: Can you "give in" at times and still be a good parent? Kirk dives into three common scenarios where momentary flexibility, rather than strict consistency, may actually serve both your child and your relationship better. Using relatable stories and plenty of humor, Kirk challenges the conventional wisdom that demands unwavering rigidity and immediate obedience, offering instead a compassionate and practical approach rooted in his own parenting journey and professional experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myth of Relentless Consistency

• Kirk’s View: "Consistency is good. But it doesn’t mean every single time, regardless of what else is happening. Sometimes you have to read the moment and trust your instincts." (04:30)
• Practical Tip: Instead of enforcing consequences robotically, reframe consistency as keeping your promises — but also recognize when context calls for flexibility.
• Notable Quote:

  “It’s not dishonest to change my opinion when facts change or circumstances change. That’s just being mature.”
  — Kirk Martin (05:20)

2. Situation #1: The Weekend Task & Meltdowns

Scenario:
Your child procrastinates a promised task all weekend, then returns from a sleepover exhausted and you must decide whether to enforce consequences.

• Advice: Slow down before reacting. Recognize exhaustion and bad timing won't help your child learn any lesson—and will likely escalate into a major meltdown.
• Perspective Shift:

  "Pushing right now isn’t being consistent or principled—it’s just being stupid."
  — Kirk Martin (09:10)

• Contextual Mercy: Waiting until after your child is rested to address responsibilities shows wisdom and mercy.
• Long-Term Reassurance: Parents often fear one act of flexibility will ruin their child. Kirk reassures parents this one event won’t have lifelong consequences.

3. Bonus Situation: The Chemistry Test

• Scenario: Teen wants to go to school late to delay a test due to lack of preparation.
• Kirk’s Take: There are times to enforce consequences and times to show grace—you’re not wrong either way. Use wise judgment.

4. Situation #2: The 8pm Shower Deadline

Scenario:
You set a clear deadline (shower by 8pm), but your strong-willed child disregards it until the last minute.

• Option 1: Follow Through Firmly: Be calm, matter-of-fact, and consistent if you have the emotional bandwidth.
• Option 2: Assess the Emotional Inventory
  • Take a “home inventory” before reacting—Are you or your spouse too drained to handle a tantrum calmly?
  • Use a code system with your spouse or parenting partner (e.g., "I’m on red tonight") to gauge emotional reserves and distribute the tough moments more equally.
• Wisdom in Flexibility:

  "You may need to pick your battles and let a late shower slide for the sake of everyone's well-being that night."
  (23:20)

• Let Mercy Prevail: Enjoy a calm evening, connect with your spouse, and remember a single night of leniency won’t spoil your child.
• Crucial Reminder: Don’t undermine the mercy by following up with a lecture.

  “Don’t go up at 8:20 and lecture and remind him that this is never to happen again. Smile, kiss, love you, and move on with your evening.”
  — Kirk Martin (27:40)

5. When Flexibility Becomes a Pattern

• Self-Check: If you’re always letting things slide just to avoid meltdowns, it’s time to reevaluate and maybe recalibrate expectations or your overall approach.
• Emphasize Creating Successes: Focus on teaching strategies and creating moments where your child can succeed, not just on what to do when things fall apart.

6. Situation #3: The Forgotten Sweatshirt

Scenario:
Kirk’s son, Casey, forgets his sweatshirt before an important family activity. Casey becomes insistent and rude; Kirk wrestles internally with his own triggers and the urge to be rigid.

• Inner Dialogue Exposed:

  “What kind of defiant child am I raising here? ...I wanted to just call the gym, tell them to throw his sweatshirt away!”
  — Kirk Martin (33:07)

• Resetting In the Moment: Kirk details the importance of stepping out of your own anxiety, recognizing your triggers, and buying time (even by just taking a bathroom break).
• Compassionate Pivot: Kirk chooses to help Casey retrieve the sweatshirt, acknowledging his son’s anxiety and his own preference for favorite hoodies.
• Beautiful Result: The crisis dissolves into cooperation and gratitude from Casey, ending in a heartfelt apology and meaningful connection.
• Memorable Quote:

  “Sometimes you choose mercy. And for some of you, when you show mercy to your child—even when they don’t deserve it—you’re healing yourself because you never got this from your mom or dad.”
  — Kirk Martin (37:20)

7. The Flexible Authority Model

• Balance: You can be both tough and merciful; being rigid isn't the only path to being a good parent.
• Practice the Opposite: If you’re naturally strict, practice flexibility. If you tend to give in, practice holding the line.
• Key Takeaway:

  “Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. That’s a beautiful place to be.”
  — Kirk Martin (40:10)

8. Encouragement for Dads

• Breaking the Cycle:

  “It feels like you’re giving me permission to break that cycle from my own dad and be an understanding dad without being a weak dad, and I love that.”
  — Kirk, relaying a listener’s note (42:21)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Anxiety: “Trust your instincts, just don’t trust your anxiety.” (15:02)
• On Judgement from Others: “By now you should be accustomed to being judged. Ignore the haters.” (06:10)
• On Flexibility: “Sometimes you just choose wisdom, and sometimes you just choose mercy.” (29:50)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:45 — Setting up the problem: Should you always follow through?
• 04:30 — The dangers of rigid parenting communities and the myth of absolute consistency
• 09:10 — Scenario #1: The Weekend Task
• 15:02 — Trusting your decision vs. your anxiety
• 17:20 — Bonus situation: The teen and the chemistry test
• 18:32 — Scenario #2: The Shower Deadline and Reading the Emotional Inventory
• 22:05 — Creating a code system with your spouse for handling tough moments
• 29:50 — Embracing wisdom and mercy in everyday tasks
• 33:07 — Scenario #3: The Forgotten Sweatshirt and a parent’s inner battle
• 37:20 — Mercy as a healing act for past wounds
• 40:10 — The unshakeable parent: unhooked from child’s moods or behaviors
• 42:21 — Encouragement for dads, breaking generational cycles

Final Motivation

Kirk wraps up by urging parents to parent with confidence and without guilt. He encourages listeners to break free from old patterns, balance tough love with mercy, and above all, trust themselves to know when it’s best to “give in” for the greater good of their relationship and family peace.

Contact & Resources:
Struggling or need support? Contact casey@celebratecalm.com for help or visit CelebrateCalm.com.

Summary prepared for listeners who want deep insight without needing to listen — and for anyone who wants practical, judgment-free parenting strategies.