Transcript
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What is one easy way to change your child's behavior that has nothing to do with changing them? It's kind of nice to have an easy one, isn't it? Moms and dads? How many of you have found that behavior charts just don't work? So do you want a better idea? Because obviously I've got one. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this episode or asking that question. And how can you teach kids impulse control in practical ways? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big spring sale 50% off all of our programs. And that includes the big package, includes the updated Discipline at Works program. And I'm going to kind of pull some ideas from that today so you can find that@celebratecolm.com so here's the first one. I want to give you something easy to do that works really well. It's easy, but sometimes it's really hard for us as parents to do. I want you to simply affirm your your kids for what they are already doing. Well, without adding. But you know what, good job with that. But if you would just apply yourself, you would be capable of so much more. This is more important than you may realize with strong willed kids. They tend to shut down with Any negativity. So notice what they're already doing. Well, just observe and recognize it. I, I promise if you do this, it will be highly motivating to your kids. You know, I struggled with this because my dad was kind of that hardcore old school, authoritarian military career military guy who just kind of like tears you down. And I thought, well, if I start, if I start recognizing my son's gifts or what he's good at doing, his good choices, he's going to get soft. You know what I found he actually worked harder because what he knew is, oh, I can actually please you. You do notice what I'm doing. Well, without giving me a lecture about how I could work harder and if I just buckled down, it was really interesting. So they'll work harder for you because they do want to please you. They do crave that positive recognition. They just usually feel like nothing is good enough for you. So do this, but just don't add the other destructive part of it. Now, I want you to do with specifics. I want you to be very, very specific. This is not fake praise. General praise. Oh, you're such a great kid. Oh, you're so smart. And here's the other thing. I tend to go very low key with my praise of strong willed kids. I don't say, oh my gosh, you made such a good choice because it sounds fake and condescending. It's like we're saying, I never thought you'd actually make a good choice. And you just did. Let's have a party. And your kids shut down because now that feels like a lot of pressure to them. And so they resist it or like, no, no, no, I didn't make a good choice because now you're going to expect me to do that again. And my experience is that I'm not always that awesome at doing those things. And the other thing I'll throw out there is that praise and an apology are the same basic thing. They're simply an acknowledgement of the truth. Oh, yeah, you did a good job with that. Hey, I'm sorry, I lecture too much. That's just truth. And you're speaking truth. So here are some examples of very specific praise. Hey, when your sister looked at you, said that to you, you walked away. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at the board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said, good game to your brother. Man, a lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I knew you took that money off the counter. But later you brought it back and apologized. It's a mature way to handle it. See the tone in here? There's also an expectation of like, yeah, you know, the right thing to do and you did it. I heard you playing video games with your friends and it sounds like you're a leader when you're playing. I heard you sticking up for your teammates. It's a really great quality. Hey, the Hendersons down the street stopped me on the way home to tell me how great a kid you are that you stopped by to check on them the other day and help Mr. Henderson by taking out his trash. Just awesome. Hey, I heard you apologize to your mom earlier. A lot of grownups can't. Won't even admit their mistakes. It's really mature of you. Hey, nice job on the math test. Meth test, fist bump. That's it. I'm really proud of the choices you've made with your friends. The other night tells me I can trust you with more freedom and you can bring up things that they're good at. Hey, you know what? Ever since you were a little kid, man, you've been good at seeing patterns. You just get puzzles out and you just put that puzzle together. You get Lego building sets out. You didn't even read their directions. You could kind of picture it in your brain and you put it together. We've always been amazed by that. And that's it. Then you can kind of like walk out of the room. Don't you just plant a lot of little seeds. I always. My number one challenge to men when I'm working with dads is for the next week, simply recognize every good trait in your child, every good choice they make, that's it for one week. And then tell me how their attitude and behavior changes. Because it will, you know, Tell me what child would not rather live up to high expectations than down to low ones. Be a prophet of promise, not doom. Watch the words you speak over your child. Do not assume that the child who is 9 today or 4 or 12 will be the same when he's 19 or 29 or 13 or 39. They grow up immature. So don't say things like, oh, you've always been so lazy, you're never on time. These become self fulfilling prophecies and you're kind of dooming their past, present and future, Right? Because after all, if I'm always late, why should I even change now? So you start to say things, hey, you're becoming a really responsible young man or young lady, hey, you're Going to have a great life. So here's a challenge. Most of Our kids hear 10 negative comments for everyone. Positive, affirming statements. So re tip the balance of the scales. I'll give you a challenge. Try spending an entire evening or weekend noticing every single positive thing your child does, even if it's small, like playing quietly for 10 minutes alone or picking up one toy when they leave 10 others out. I know it takes some work upfront, but it will save you and your child so much aggravation. It will build their confidence and I guarantee your child's behavior will change because they do want to please you. Okay, now here's a cool one for changing behavior to get to the root of the issue and teach kids how their brains work. So if you have our ADHD university program, you'll have a chart that comes with that. And I have three columns and it's about three things happening inside our kids brains. First column is about the need for order and structure. Our kids have very, very busy brains and so that's why they have this need for order. And they'll control other people and situations. They control the outcome of the board game, cheat, change the rules of the game and quit. They carry acorns in their pockets, all those different things. Anxiety comes there. Second column is about the need for brain stimulation. Many of your kids do not get enough blood flow to the brain, not enough dopamine. So the brain is physiologically understimulated. It's why they're always seeking intense stimulation. That's why they tap pencils and fidget. It's why they argue with you. It's why they push their siblings buttons. It's why they procrastinate. And then the third column is about many of our kids have sensory processing needs and they're either hyposensitive, where they really need physical pressure. And so if you know that, you know that your kids aren't just being when they're bouncing all over things, it's not just being wild and out of control. They're seeking sensory pressure. And if you can give that to them proactively, it's really settling for their bodies. And some of your kids are hyper sensitive. So they're really sensitive to sounds, to sights, to smells. And so if you know this about them, you can proactively meet a lot of these needs. Think about this. Here's the analogy. So it's late afternoon, your kids are acting up and just saying, hey, cut the behavior out, stop acting out, nothing changes. But if you give them a snack because you fed them inside, their outward behavior changes because you first met the internal need. So this is a great gift to know in life about why you're behaving in certain ways. I think it's one of the things. Casey mentions this all the time. He's like, dad, I process this in my daily life of like, what need am I meeting now? His big, big one is for brain stimulation and physical sensory stuff. That's why he does ski mountaineering and skis climbs up mountains and then skis down is because that needs a sensory need. And he also needs, at times when he's tired, he has a high need for order. So he is able to manage his life and it even helps him in his marriage and relationships, knowing, hey, here's the need I have now. And so if I meet that internal need proactively, then I'm not as much of a jerk. And that's more of my words. That's how I do it. So Casey used to come into the room with these eyes on fire, wanting to push my buttons. And that's because I taught him by my reactions that the easiest way for him to get the intense emotional reaction engagement for me was to do something wrong or misbehave. I basically trained his brain to seek this in negative ways. And your kids are going to do it. Strong will kids, adopted kids, kids with attachment disorder are going to attachment issues are going to struggle with that. So I remember exactly where we were. We were living in Nashville at the time. And he walked in the living room with that look in his eyes, wanting to go into the courtroom and argue with me. And I said, I know exactly what you're looking for right now. Your brain is craving intensity. I'm not going to argue with you, but here are two things we can do. And I'll give you my intense emotional engagement, all my attention if you want. What I was teaching him has been invaluable to him to this day. So you can use that when siblings are picking on each other because they just want that intensity that comes from picking at each other, getting a reaction, wrestling, etc. So teach them why that feels good inside and how to get those same needs met in positive ways, like building something outside, making money by doing chores for other people, running their own little business. So in many homes and classrooms, adults create behavior charts with rules and consequences for each misbehavior. But that focuses so much effort on just getting good outward behavior. And the truth is, it doesn't work. Most of our strong will kids live on Red, right? They go to school and within eight minutes they're already in red. So inside they're like, hey, if I'm going to be on red today, may as well double down and make it a really bad day because I'm never getting too green. So they just stop trying. But what if we switched this around and taught our kids something very powerful instead?