Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Title: 3 Easy Ways to Change Your Child’s Behavior Quickly (Discipline That Works!) #461
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: March 23, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into effective strategies for altering a child's behavior swiftly and sustainably. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk presents practical, compassionate, and humor-infused methods to foster positive behavior without engaging in power struggles or punitive measures.

1. Affirm Your Child’s Positive Actions

Timestamp: [01:20] – [12:18]

Kirk emphasizes the importance of affirming children for their positive behaviors as a cornerstone of effective discipline. Rather than focusing on correcting negative actions, he advocates for recognizing and praising what children are already doing well. This approach is especially crucial for strong-willed children who often respond negatively to criticism.

Key Points:

• Specific Praise Over General Praise: Instead of vague commendations like "You're so smart," Kirk suggests being specific. For example:

  • “Hey, when your sister looked at you and you walked away, it shows you’re growing up.” ([05:30])
  • “I noticed you apologized to your mom earlier. That was really mature.” ([08:45])

• Avoiding Fake or Over-the-Top Praise: Overly enthusiastic praise can feel insincere and pressure children, leading to resistance. Kirk recommends a low-key and genuine acknowledgment of positive actions.

• Impact of Positive Recognition: Affirming children boosts their motivation and desire to please, counteracting feelings of inadequacy. Kirk shares a personal anecdote:

  • “I found he actually worked harder because what he knew is, oh, I can actually please you.” ([07:15])

• Challenge to Parents: For one week, recognize every good trait and choice your child makes and observe the positive changes in their behavior.

Notable Quote:

“Watch the words you speak over your child. Do not assume that the child who is 9 today or 4 or 12 will be the same when he's 19 or 29 or 13 or 39.” – Kirk Martin ([10:05])

2. Understand and Address Internal Needs

Timestamp: [12:18] – [14:45] (Note: This section includes advertisements and is skipped in the summary.)

3. Create a Family Trigger Board

Timestamp: [14:45] – [24:30]

Kirk introduces the concept of a trigger board as a transformative tool for managing family dynamics and reducing conflicts. Instead of traditional behavior charts that focus solely on outward actions, a trigger board helps families identify and address the root causes of negative behaviors.

Key Points:

• Identify Each Family Member’s Triggers:

  • List each person's name and their specific triggers. For example:
    • “My trigger is when things are askew in the house...” ([15:50])

• Modeling Humility and Self-Awareness:

  • By sharing their own triggers, parents normalize the concept that everyone has emotional triggers and needs strategies to manage them.

• Teaching Kids to Recognize Their Triggers:

  • Help children identify what sets them off, such as changes in plans or losing at games, and discuss healthy ways to handle these feelings.

• Transformational Impact:

  • Shifting the focus from changing external behavior to understanding internal needs leads to more sustainable and meaningful behavior changes in children.

Notable Quote:

“Instead of focusing on changing outward behavior, you are teaching your kids how to handle and overcome the inner triggers that cause the outward behavior. That is transformational.” – Kirk Martin ([20:15])

4. Teach Impulse Control Through Practical Exercises

Timestamp: [24:30] – [35:50]

Impulse control is a vital skill that children must develop to navigate their emotions and reactions effectively. Kirk provides several hands-on techniques to help children practice and strengthen their impulse control.

Key Techniques:

• Delayed Gratification:

  • Encourage children to wait before acting on impulses. For example, delaying video game time in exchange for extra playtime later:
    • “If you turn your video games off three minutes early tonight, you’ll get 10 more minutes tomorrow night.” ([28:10])

• Choice Ball Exercise:

  • Use a soft, tactile object to help children pause and think before making decisions.
    • “Throw the ball up in the air and catch it three times while you think about the choice you’re going to make.” ([30:25])
  • This method teaches responsibility and gives children a physical way to manage their impulses.

• Impulse Control in Real-Life Situations:

  • Practice waiting before making purchases or reacting to temptations. For instance, waiting 48 hours before making a significant purchase to reduce impulsive buying:
    • “We would look at gadgets in a store and then walk out without buying anything to practice impulse control.” ([34:00])

• Behavior Reinforcement:

  • Use tangible rewards and consequences to reinforce self-control, such as talk tickets in classrooms to limit interruptions:
    • “Every time they want to share something, they have to redeem a ticket.” ([35:00])

Notable Quote:

“Impulse and self-control are skills you have to learn, just like addition and subtraction. You’ve got to practice it.” – Kirk Martin ([32:45])

Conclusion

Kirk Martin wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to implement these strategies consistently to see meaningful changes in their children's behavior. By shifting the focus from external control to understanding and addressing internal needs, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment. Additionally, Kirk invites listeners to explore further resources through the Discipline That Works program and engage in family discussions to tailor these approaches to their unique situations.

Final Challenge:

• Affirm Positive Behaviors: Spend the next week recognizing and praising every positive action your child takes.
• Establish a Trigger Board: Begin identifying and addressing family triggers to foster understanding and reduce conflicts.
• Practice Impulse Control Exercises: Integrate practical techniques into daily routines to help children develop self-regulation skills.

Notable Quote:

“These ideas come from that Discipline that Works program. I have so many good testimonials from families who just said, guys, you listen to this one on discipline because it affects you.” – Kirk Martin ([34:30])

By adopting these three easy strategies, parents can foster a more positive and cooperative relationship with their children, ultimately leading to a calmer and more fulfilling family dynamic.