Kirk Martin (0:00)

I have to share a funny story. So I go to my wellness exam with a new doctor and she says, you have such beautiful skin, which guys aren't used to hearing and I couldn't help blurting out, you need to try one skin at OneSkin Co and use code Kirk for 15% off your first order. I told her. Mrs. Kalm and I both use Oneskin because the changing seasons can cause your skin to feel irritated and tight. One Skin's OS1 peptide helps calm your skin and reverse the signs of cellular aging. It's the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel and behave like its younger self. Plus, it's easy to use. It makes my skin feel healthy and moisturized. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin. With one skin, your future self will thank you. Get 15% off with code KIRK at OneSkin co. That's 15% off at OneSkin Co with Code Kirk and please let Oneskin know that we sent you do you have a child who kind of gives up when things get hard, especially with schoolwork? Most of us do. That's why I encourage you to check out ixl.com Kirk IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student From K to 12, whether they are struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. Each activity on IXL helps your child build up the determination to push through challenges and feel a tangible sense of accomplishment from learning. IXL's extensive content library empowers kids to explore their interests and take charge of their learning journey the way strong willed kids like to do it. Our kids love IXL's positive feedback awards and educational games that that guide your child in the way they learn best make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. What is one easy way to change your child's behavior that has nothing to do with changing them? It's kind of nice to have an easy one, isn't it? Moms and dads, how many of you have found that behavior charts just don't work? So do you want a better idea? Because obviously I've got one. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this episode or asking that question. And how can you teach kids impulse control in practical ways? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big spring sale, 50% off all of our programs. And that includes the big package, includes the updated Discipline at works program. And I'm going to kind of pull some ideas from that today so you can find that celebratecolm.com so here's the first one. I want to give you something easy to do that works really well. It's easy, but sometimes it's really hard for us as parents to do. I want you to simply affirm your, your kids for what they are already doing. Well, without adding, but you know what, good job with that. But if you would just apply yourself, you would be capable of so much more. This is more important than you may realize. With strong will kids, they tend to shut down with any negativity. So notice what they're already doing. Well, just observe and recognize it. I, I promise if you do this, it will be highly motivating to your kids. You know, I struggled with this because my dad was kind of that hardcore old school, authoritarian military career military guy who just kind of like tears you down. And I thought, well, if I start, if I start recognizing my son's gifts or what he's good at doing, his good choices, he's going to get soft. You know what I found he actually worked harder because what he knew is, oh, I can actually please you. You do notice what I'm doing Well, without giving me a lecture about how I could work harder and if I just buckled down, it was really interesting. So they'll work harder for you because they do want to please you. They do crave that positive recognition. They just usually feel like nothing is good enough for you. So do this, but just don't add the other destructive part of it. Now I want you to do it with specifics. I want you to be very, very specific. This is not fake praise, general praise. Oh, you're such a great kid. Oh, you're so smart. And here's the other thing. I tend to go very low key with my praise of strong willed kids. I don't say, oh my gosh, you made such a good choice because it sounds fake and condescending. It's like we're saying, I never thought you'd actually make a good choice. And you just did. Let's have a party. And your kids shut down because now that feels like a lot of pressure to them and so they resist it and they're like, no, no, no, I didn't make a good choice because now you're going to expect me to do that again. And my experience is that I'm not always that awesome at doing those things. And the other thing I'll throw out there is that praise and an apology are the same basic thing. There's simply an acknowledgement of the truth. Oh, yeah, you did a good job with that. Hey, I'm sorry. I lecture too much. That's just truth. And you're speaking truth. So here are some examples of very specific praise. Hey, when your sister looked at you, said that to you, you walked away. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I noticed you lost at the board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said, good game to your brother. Man, a lot of adults can't even do that prayer of you. Hey, I knew you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized. It's a mature way to handle it. See the tone in here? There's also an expectation of, like, yeah, you know, the right thing to do and you did it. I heard you playing video games with your friends, and it sounds like you're a leader when you're playing. I heard you sticking up for your teammates. It's a really great quality. Hey, the Henderson's down the street stopped me on the way home to tell me how great a kid you are that you stopped by to check on them the other day. Help Mr. Henderson by taking out his trash. It's just awesome. Hey, I heard you apologize to your mom earlier. A lot of grownups can't. Won't even admit their mistakes. It's really mature of you. Hey, nice job on the math test. Meth test, fist bump. That's it. I'm really proud of the choices you've made with your friends. The other night tells me I can trust you with more freedom and you can bring up things that they're good at. Hey, you know what? Ever since you were a little kid, man, you've been good at seeing patterns. You just get puzzles out and you just put that puzzle together. You get Lego building sets out. You didn't even read their directions. You could kind of picture it in your brain and you put it together. We've always been amazed by that. And that's it. Then you can kind of like walk out of the room. Don't you just plant a lot of little seeds? I always. My number one challenge to men when I'm working with dads is for the next week, simply recognize every good trait in your child and every good choice they make. That's it. For one week and then tell me how their attitude and behavior changes because it will, you know, tell me what child would not rather live up to high expectations than down to low ones. Be a prophet of promise, not doom. Watch the words you speak over your child. Do not assume that the child who is 9 today or 4 or 12 will be the same when he's 19 or 29 or 39. They grow up immature. So don't say things like, oh, you've always been so lazy, you're never on time. These become self fulfilling prophecies and you're kind of dooming their past, present and future. Right. Because after all, if I'm always late, why should I even change now? So you start to say things, hey, you're becoming a really responsible young man or young lady. Yeah, you're going to have a great life. So here's a challenge. Most of our kids hear 10 negative comments for every one positive affirming statement. So re tip the balance of the scales. I'll give you a challenge. Try spending an entire evening or weekend noticing every single positive thing your child does, even if it's small, like playing quietly for 10 minutes alone or picking up one toy when they leave 10 others out. I know it takes some work up front, but it will save you and your child so much aggravation. It will build their confidence and I guarantee your child's behavior will change because they do want to please you. Okay, now here's a cool one for changing behavior to get to the root of the issue and teach kids how their brains work. So if you have our ADHD university program, you'll have a chart that comes with that. And I have three columns and it's about three things happening inside our kids brains. First column is about the need for order and structure. Our kids have very very busy brains and so that's why they have this need for order. And they'll control other people and situations. They control the outcome of the board game, cheat, change the rules of the game and quit. They carry acorns in their pockets, all those different things. Anxiety comes there. Second column is about the need for brain stimulation. Many of your kids do not get enough blood flow to the brain, not enough dopamine. So the brain is physiologically understimulated. That's why they're always seeking intense stimulation. It's why they tap pencils and fidget. It's why they argue with you. It's why they push their siblings buttons. It's why they procrastinate. And then the third column is about. Many of our kids have sensory processing needs, and they're either hyposensitive, where they really need physical pressure. And so if you know that, you know that your kids aren't just being. When they're bouncing all over things, it's not just being wild and out of control. They're seeking sensory pressure. And if you can give that to them proactively, it's really settling for their bodies. And some of your kids are hypersensitive, so they're really sensitive to sounds, to sights, to smells. And so if you know this about them, you can proactively meet a lot of these needs. Think about this. Here's the analogy. So it's late afternoon, Your kids are acting up and just saying, hey, cut the behavior out, stop acting out now. Nothing changes. But if you give them a snack because you fed them inside, their outward behavior changes because you first met the internal need. So this is a great gift to know in life about why you're behaving in certain ways. I think it's one of the things. Casey mentions this all the time. He's like, dad, I process this in my daily life of, like, what need am I meeting now? His big, big one is for brain stimulation and physical sensory stuff. That's why he does ski mountaineering and skis, climbs up mountains and then skis down is because that meets a sensory need. And he also needs. At times when he's tired, he has a high need for order. So he is able to manage his life, and it even helps him in his marriage and relationships, knowing, hey, here's the need I have now. And so if I meet that internal need proactively, then I'm not as much of a jerk. And that's more of my words. That's how I do it. So Casey used to come into the room with these eyes on fire, wanting to push my buttons. And that's because I taught him by my reactions that the easiest way for him to get the intense emotional reaction, engagement from me was to do something wrong or misbehave. I basically trained his brain to seek this in negative ways. And your kids are going to do that. Strong will kids, adopted kids, kids with attachment disorder, attachment issues are going to struggle with that. So I remember exactly where we were. We were living in Nashville at the time. And he walked in the living room with that look in his eyes, wanting to go into the courtroom and argue with me. And I said, I know exactly what you're looking for right now. Your brain is craving intensity. I'm not going to argue with you, but here are two things we can do and I'll give you my intense emotional engagement, all my attention if you want. What I was teaching him has been invaluable to him to this day. So you can use that when siblings are picking on each other because they just want that intensity that comes from picking at each other, getting a reaction, wrestling, etc. So teach them why that feels good inside and how to get those same needs met in positive ways, like building something outside, making money by doing chores for other people, running their own little business. So in many homes and classrooms, adults create behavior charts with rules and consequences for each misbehavior. But that focuses so much effort on just getting good outward behavior. And the truth is it doesn't work. Most of our strong willed kids live on red, right? They go to school and within eight minutes they're already in red. So inside they're like, hey, if I'm going to be on red today, may as well double down and make it a really bad day because I'm never getting too green. So they just stopped trying. But what if we switched this around and taught our kids something very powerful instead? So this is really cool. I go to hungryroot.com calm and I click our food preferences. Carb Conscious, less sugar, high protein, anti inflammatory and immediately I get 10 or more options. So I choose the Taziki Chicken bowl with quinoa. It's got 47 grams of protein, 3 grams of sugar and it takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious. No wasted ingredients, no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. And that means more time to enjoy family and life. Hungryroot is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one. They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's tastes, nutrition preferences and health goals. Hungry Root is the easiest way to eat healthy. You're going to love hungryroot as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. Get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM. That's hungryroot.com calm code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code CALM moms and dads, your life is filled with nonstop rushing from morning to bedtime. So when you actually get to slip into bed at night, rejuvenate and reward yourself with buttery, soft, cozy earth bamboo sheets, visit cozyearth.com calm and use code CALM for 40% off I am sleeping better than ever because these cozy earth sheets are so soft and breathable. You sleep several degrees cooler. The hardest part, getting out of bed. Although then I get to put on my cozy earth pullover which I wear nonstop. Kind of like your kids do by the way. Get their kids stuff. They will love it. So you do. Look, you do everything for your kids. Give yourself the gift of a sleep sanctuary. It's risk free. You get a hundred night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty on all cozy earth bedding and bath products. Luxury starts where you rest. Visit cozyearth.com calm and use my exclusive code CALM for 40% off. Best selling sheets, towels, pajamas and more. I have them all. Visit cozyearth.com calm for 40% off and let them know the calm parenting guy sent you. So I love love love this idea. What if instead of a behavior chart, you created a trigger board or a trigger chart for your entire family, especially as your kids get older. So you can list each person's name at the top. You know, mom, dad, each child and then one trigger each person struggles with. What does trigger you? What bothers you, makes you react, sets you off, ruins your sense of order and peace. See, when you take the lead on this, you're modeling humility and working on yourself because. And you're normalizing. We all have triggers. And it's not like it's a circle secret, right? Like, well, should I admit I have triggers? Your kids already know it. Your strong will kids have revealed to you all of your triggers because they push your buttons and you're like, I didn't even realize I had that trigger. So my trigger, you could say this. My trigger is when things are askew in the house and you can tell your kids why that bothers you so much. It may be something from your childhood. Now you don't have to share trauma and horrify your kids. But you can explain why this bothers you. This physical feeling you feel in your body, how you typically react, which they know. And then most importantly, one or two ways you are going to begin responding differently to overcome this trigger. Hey, my trigger is being late. When I was a kid, we got yelled at a lot, even if we were on time. So when you guys move more slowly, have you noticed that I try to rush you? Then what happens? You guys move more slowly. And you're not rejecting me or my authority. You're rejecting my anxiety. So from now on, here is what I am going to practice doing instead. And it's not like sharing your triggers Is going to surprise your kids because they already know. So help them identify their trigger. When plans change suddenly, when they don't get what they want, when they lose at games. See, you're normalizing. You're actually teaching your kids, hey, I know why this bothers you. Of course last minute changes and plans bother you. Of course they do. Everyone has triggers. And then teach and show them how to to handle those triggers differently. Now, look, your kids don't have to participate, but you're normalizing the fact that we all have triggers. And you're modeling for them how to deal with their own issues so they learn how to get to the root of it. So think what we're doing. Instead of focusing on changing outward behavior, you are teaching your kids how to handle your and overcome the inner triggers that cause the outward behavior. That is transformational. It is. Look, this is more important than anything your kids are going to learn in school. I wish someone had taught me this before I was 35 and almost ruined all my relationships. So I really, really love that idea. So how can we teach our kids impulse control? So impulse and self control are skills you have to learn, Just like addition and subtraction. You've got to practice it. So here are a few ways to practice impulse control. By the way, know that your kids should struggle with impulse control. They are supposed to be impulsive when they're kids. So don't get freaked out about that. You're going to get calls from the school of like, oh, your child is impulsive. That's like saying, like, oh, your child has a lot of energy. Okay? I mean, that's kind of what kids are supposed to be like, you're not telling me anything new. So people laugh at this, but it works. When Casey was a kid, we'd go to Red Robin because back then Red Robin was kind of new, cool kind of place. And I'd ask, hey, how many fries are we going to leave on our plate tonight? And he'd look at me like I was crazy and ask like, why would you leave these delicious, greasy, salty fries on the plate? And then he'd add this. When there are children starving in third world countries because our kids are quick like that. And I'd say, well, just to show that we can. It was a concrete way of physically practicing impulse control. We would walk into a store and be mesmerized by all the cool gadgets, right? Like at Best Buy and then walk out without buying anything. We had a family tradition or a family rule, which is any big purchases we wait 48 hours, because you know what you find out when you're there looking at it? And it's like, I want that. Once you leave and you wait 24 hours, 48 hours, sometimes that desire goes away. Or you can be a little bit more rational about it, but we would do that. We physically did that. And I remember when we were looking at things or going for a car or somewhere, and a guy would be like, well, you know what? This deal isn't going to last. And I was like, yeah, well, because if I really want this and you want to sell it to me. And so I was teaching a really practical life skill that's delayed gratification. And it's a really important skill sometimes with Casey. And again, you don't have to do this. It's dorky. It's awkward. Your kids are going to complain. Plane. They're gonna be like, why are we doing this? This is stupid. Who cares? I promise you, it is worth it. I would at times say, hey, I want you to wait 45 seconds or three minutes before you do X or Y. And I purposefully just kind of make him wait. Why? Because you're practicing impulse control. I'd encourage you to teach your kids delayed gratification with their screens. Give you an idea. Hey, tonight I'm going to give you one hour to play on your video games. But if you turn your video games off three minutes early tonight, because that's doable, I'll give you an additional 10 minutes to play tomorrow night. So the calculation is, if I sacrifice three minutes of game time tonight, I can get 10 more minutes tomorrow night. Okay. And you can make the ratio whatever you want. Now, some of your kids are going to get off, like, six minutes early, and then they're going to be like, you owe me 20 minutes tomorrow night. And sometimes you can be like, you know what? I'll do that with you. Good thinking. When Casey was older, I'd encourage him to turn his games off after three matches instead of four. It was all about delayed gratification and practicing impulse control. Now, this one skews a little bit younger. Because our kids tend not to respond to auditory commands and lectures. I like using visual experiential lessons to reinforce key concepts. So get a really soft squishy ball, and you could write the word choice on it. Whenever your child is about to make a choice or even, like, even throw a tantrum or have a meltdown or argue or whine or try to get out of taking responsibility, you can toss or hand the choice ball to your child and say, hey, Evan, I want you to throw the ball up in the air and catch it three times while you think about the choice you're going to make. And you can use one or several of the following phrases as you explain this concept to your child. See, I'm giving you control of this situation. The ball is in your court. You are responsible for how you respond. You are responsible for your attitude. Your choices affect your outcome. Right. The decision is out of my hands. You have the power to control the outcome. And over time, you can use fewer prompts and simply hand the ball to your child. What you're doing is physically handing over responsibility for behaviors, attitudes, and actions to your child. And your child will begin to realize just how much control they have over their lives. And it's helpful for us as parents because you're symbolically showing that you're not responsible for your child's actions. They are. The act of throwing the ball in the air three times teaches them that they do not have to make the choice immediately. They can take five seconds and think about it. You're giving them a tactile object to manipulate, which is both calming and stimulating at the same time. Because you'll know. We did this in our home with all the kids that were there, and you notice them, like, squeezing it. Sometimes I give them two, so they kind of squeeze that. So sometimes feeling the ball in their hands will break the negative cycle and calm or redirect them. You can even try this with your spouse before you tell him or her some bad news. And I know some of the kids are going to be so upset they throw the ball at you. And that's why I want it to be soft. You can use anything tactile. You could use Kleenexes. You could do anything, because that wouldn't hurt if they threw it. One of my favorite things to do when we had these kids in our home was tell them, hey, tomorrow we're going to Best Buy, so bring your money. And we go to the store and we let them walk around and. And it's like electronic candy. They'd be so excited and grab all these video games to purchase. Visions of sleepless nights playing games were dancing in their heads. And then I'd say, hey, guys, put all your stuff back. We're leaving. Needless to say, there was a lot of outrage, shock, and screaming. No, we haven't paid for our games yet. And I said, I know, we're leaving. Let's go now. But Mr. Kirk, I really wanted that new game. I know you did. That's what impulse control and self control is. When you really want something and you say no and walk away. And we'd leave the store and we'd stand outside and I'd be like, so how are you guys feeling? And of course it was the end of the world, right? This is stupid. This is the dumbest camp ever. Where do you get these dumb ideas? But I wanted them to feel those games in their hands, picture playing them, and then put them down and walk away. I wanted them to physically practice it with something tactile. And so over time, they learned how to say no and walk away. Right. And they learned to own their own boredom and disappointment because they would say, this is the stupidest thing. And then I'd say, hey, look, you guys, look, if I were you, I would be upset at me, I would be frustrated, and I'd be really mad because you thought you were going to buy these things. And then we didn't. And so I said, but you guys have a choice because we still have the rest of the afternoon together. You can continue to be miserable and bored if you want, but you have a choice over that. So work through this. And when you're ready, we can do X and Y. So some kids struggle with blurting out in the classroom. We give them, say, three talk tickets, three little pieces of cardboard maybe, or little tickets. And every time they want to share something, instead of blurting out, they have to raise their hand and redeem a ticket. And the teacher says, oh, that's cool. Nice job raising your hand. Why don't you go ahead and share your amazing off topic idea? Because it always will be. But it gives them a tangible object to hold and raise in the air. And when they get down to one ticket left, they have to start making choices about what's important enough to share with the class. So I encourage you work on some of those things. The easy one, the next two days, this weekend, the next three days, the next week, affirm your kids for what they're already doing. Well, I would encourage you start working on that trigger board. Even if you just start with your spouse and say, hey, what's your trigger? What's my trigger? Will you help me with that? That is fantastic. Begin in small ways practicing impulse control. Let your kids listen to this podcast so they can come up with their own ideas and they will tell you, yes, mom, Dad, I never hear enough what I'm doing. Well, you're always saying, but if you tried harder, let them listen to our material, the programs. These ideas come from that Discipline that Works program. I have so many good testimonials from families who just said, guys, you listen to this one on discipline because it affects you. And then the kids come back and say, hey, here's what would work and here's what isn't working. And you discuss it as a family. These are great conversations that have moms and dads. You're crushing it. I have so much respect for you. Keep breaking those generational patterns. It is such a cool thing. All right, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye.