← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
A
Hey moms and dads, don't you just love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-H-T C A L.com calm.
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Dad, your tough guy approach will not work with me. I. I will fight you and it will blow up our relationship and then mom will be forced to come and be the referee between us. But she's almost always going to side with me because I'm her kid and it's going to create tension between you and mom and between us. Or I'll simply bury that anger until I'm as big as you and then it's going to come out with a vengeance in my teen years. But I don't want to fight you dad. You have a lot of hard fought wisdom you have gained in your life and I need that wisdom. Look, I have a harder path in life. I'm choosing that. I'm a stove toucher. I choose the harsher consequences, the harder path on purpose. And I need your wisdom. But I need you to deal with your own father issues. It's not right to put that on me. I know I make you won't feel uncomfortable and maybe that's because I'm a lot like you and you know how much pain you've been through and you want me to avoid those same mistakes. Or maybe I'm just so different from you that you literally don't know what to do or how to connect with me. And I get that. But you have to put down your pride and ego and do the hard work to enter into my world, to understand me. I need you to come alongside me instead of fighting me to give me your wisdom so I know how to walk down this path successfully because no one else can show me. And your guidance will, will save me a lot of pain. That is what a strong willed child wants to say to that more authoritarian parent, especially an old school father. So on this bonus episode of the Calm Parenting podcast, I wanted to give you insight into your strong willed kids in their own words. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com, find us on Instagram and Facebook. Look, we've got our own strong willed son and he's actually getting married in 10 days. So I'm asking you to please wrestle with these ideas and put our strategies into place over the next few weeks as we're going to be out of the office focusing on this family celebration. And this insight also comes from inviting 1500 strong willed kids and kids on the spectrum into our home over the course of a decade. So if you ever wonder how we got, how we kind of get these kids and understand your family, they that's why. So you and I have tough kids to raise. Our son came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, ready to take on the world and his parents and his teachers. And they have their own ideas, they want to do things their own way. These are stove touchers who don't really care about consequences and they like to, they prefer to learn the hard way. And the traditional parenting methods that you and I all tried, they just don't work with these kids.
- [04:09]
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They backfire.
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B
And then you're going to get judged. Now look, some of you had an easier, more compliant child first and you were like, oh, I am such a good parent. This is easy. Just be clear and firm and consistent. And then the strong willed child came along and you feel clueless and at your wits end. And so sometimes we swing from one extreme to the other in our parenting. So I want to share some insights from your child's point of view that you may find very helpful as you navigate raising this child. So this is going to be a shorter podcast just to give you some insight you may not have thought of before. It might be a good one to share with your spouse who is always trying to change. Look, I always go into the man voice because I'm a guy and because that comes so naturally to me, but it could be that you're a dad listening to this and you're like, hey, my wife really needs to hear this because she's always trying to fix and our child or she has control issues or has anxiety. Good. I don't care which one it is. Share it with your spouse, share it with teachers, Share it with other people who your own parents, judgmental grandparents who need to hear this. So we've already heard what a strong willed child would say to the more authoritarian parent. What about those parents who use that really sweet accommodating tone? So here's what they would say. Who do you think you're talking to? And why are you using that tone with me like you're talking to a baby? Sounds condescending and weak, like you're asking my permission instead of being the confident leader that I need. Why do you keep talking to me about my feelings all the time as if I'm incapable of controlling myself? Yeah, I wake up with a vision of how I want things to be or what I want to create. But I'm just a kid so I don't have all the grown up skills or tools to accomplish what I pictured in my head and that leads me to get really frustrated. But then you come along talking, talking gibberish like you don't know how to help me and that makes me feel even more frustrated. Look, I've got some big plans for my life and I've got big emotions and a strong will. I need you to be the calm, confident leader who who can guide me along this path. It's going to make you uncomfortable. You don't have to be the reactive authoritarian parent you grew up with. But please stop talking to me like a baby. You've already told your friends I'm three going on 33 or 12 going on 42. Well, start respecting me by talking to me more like a grown up. I'll respond better that otherwise I'm in complete control and I'll walk all over you. And that feels very unstable as a child now. And I know that may really mess with some of you and shock you, but it's absolutely true. It's why I really don't like it doesn't matter what I like. It matters what works with the strong willed child. I don't want to go all authoritarian my way or the highway. But then we swung to the other extreme of like, well, we talk to our kids like this, right? In between even matter of fact tone. You've heard me do that plenty of times. So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday I wish I.
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- [08:35]
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- [09:18]
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So the following is how many of your kids feel as they go through their childhood. And this may actually be something you allow your strong willed child to listen to. That's why we often recommend that you play our programs in the car or just in the background and let your strong willed child listen. Because your kids are really insightful and this can provoke some really good conversations. You can ask your kids if they ever feel like this. And by the way, if you let your kids listen to our programs, like even the one for moms or dads they're going to say, mom, dad, you do that, you lecture too much and you'll be like, what does that make? So how does that make you feel? Why doesn't that motivate you? And you will look when you allow them. It's not like you have to allow them. I said this in a recent Instagram video. Your kids are the best therapists you could ever have. They're with you 24 7. They're going to call you out on all your BS. They're going to provoke you and push all of your buttons, including buttons you didn't even know you had until you had a strong willed child. So why not embrace that and why not use that to your advantage? So here is something else your strong willed child might say to you. Not all of this will be applicable, but much of it will. So this is okay. So let me just jump into it. Mom, Dad, I don't wake up every morning intending to get in trouble or cause problems at home. I don't like being the one always in trouble with everyone looking at me like the black sheep, knowing I ruined that family outing or family movie night or board game time because I have to control the outcome of the game by cheating or quitting or making up my own rules. Sometimes I feel helpless to change. If I knew how I would change. Do you know what it feels like to be the one different person everywhere I go? To hear grandparents and others talk in hushed tones and know they're talking about me? To feel utterly out of step with everyone and everything. To feel like a failure compared to classmates and siblings and the only thing that I'm really good at. I don't get to do much. It feels like I can never make anyone happy and I'm so sad about that sometimes. I didn't choose this brain or temperament. I was born this way. And ever since I can remember in preschool, people haven't liked me or my behavior or been patient with me. First it was teachers who put me on red on the behavior chart because I couldn't sit still. And then my parents got embarrassed and began to lecture and take things away. And all I know is that I've simply been being who I was born as. I didn't decide to not fit in or have all this energy or question things. I don't particularly enjoy being bored by school, getting looks from other adults and being made fun of by kids in class. So from an early age it seemed like people haven't really liked me or accepted me as I am. Even my own dad who's supposed to love and protect and guide me. At times, seems like he just doesn't like me or want to be with me and that cuts deeply. But I can't always show that. So I make excuses and I blame others because it's too painful to just admit that I'm helpless and feel stupid and like I'm a bad kid. I build defensive walls around my heart to protect it from even more pain. Look, you act like I just choose this all the time. Like I can just turn turn off and on who I am. You lecture me about my choices. And yes, sometimes I intentionally choose something I know is wrong or that will bring a consequence. But sometimes I'm simply being who I have always been inside and how I was born. So I'm basically getting in trouble for being myself or doing what comes naturally. It's not as black and white as you might think. And then there are all these arbitrary standards and things required for success that I'm just not good at as a kid. Like sitting still and memorizing information I'll never use in life. Like paying attention to things that don't interest me. Writing essays, taking tests, getting along with kids my own age. I'm supposed to be good at all of those things and my childhood is dependent on that. And yet I'm just not good at those things. So I continually feel like a failure and then I fail at home. And after a while I can't take it inside and just either give up or lash out. Look, sometimes as a teen I mess up or self sabotage on purpose just to fulfill your your views of me. See, you were right. After all, I'm a screw up. See, all the good things I'm really naturally good at, well, nobody notices those things because I don't get grades for those things. And I don't get grades for being a good critical thinker, for being curious, for building things. See, that kind of crushes my spirit, makes me want to give up. And I know you say I'm smart and I'm such an old soul, but that's not very comforting when you feel stuck in a child's body in childhood for 18 years, feeling like a misfit. It feels like I'm the one who's always being fixed or changed with endless tests and trips to these professionals who don't even understand me either. And that just doesn't feel good inside. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me. And I'm also not motivated by the same things as you. And I'm not good at the same things you are. But you keep insisting that I play on a field that is tilted against me, where I keep failing. And all you ever say is if you would just apply yourself. And then you call me lazy. It's not that I'm lazy. I simply don't care about the things you care about. And now you've spent my whole life trying to convince me and change me that these are the right things, and all it's done is make me feel less confident, more like a failure. And meanwhile, all my natural gifts and talents don't get used and they atrophy. What do you want from me? And then you wonder why I'm angry or why I withdraw into my screens in my own world, a world that at least I have some measure of control over and success in. I wish you would just try to understand me instead of trying to get me to understand what you want from me. I already know that. But I'm not going to give that to you because that's not me. Now, I know there are a lot of deep emotions and insights in there that I want you to wrestle with me, and there's a lot more that we could say, but I'm going to keep this short so this can sink in. Again. Consider letting your kids listen to this even on their own. They may just feel very validated. They may not say anything to you, but if they feel understood by another human, that could be very powerful. They may come and talk to you about some of this and it may lead to some meaningful conversations and deeper understanding of these kids. Thank you for being willing to tackle these difficult situations and challenging kids. Be patient with them. Be patient with yourself as you change. We appreciate you being willing to work so hard at this. I appreciate you listening to the podcast and sharing it with others. You know we're always here to help.