3 Ways A Dad Prevented Volcanic Reactions - Calm Parenting Podcast

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: 3 Ways A Dad Prevented Volcanic Reactions
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: September 25, 2022

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into effective strategies for managing and preventing explosive reactions in strong-willed children. Drawing from his extensive experience with challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk shares a compelling discussion with a father who successfully navigated three potentially volcanic scenarios with his child. This episode is a treasure trove of practical advice for parents seeking to foster calm and control within their families.

Understanding Volcanic Reactions

Kirk begins by addressing the common struggles parents face with strong-willed children who may respond with extreme emotions to minor setbacks. He explains:

"When something little is off, it really messes with that sense of balance and order and structure and sets them off." (05:30)

He emphasizes that many children with busy brains feel a lack of control, leading them to exert power over their environment and others. Kirk underscores the importance of recognizing these triggers to effectively manage and mitigate explosive behaviors.

The Father's Approach: Three Situations

Kirk recounts a conversation with a dedicated father who implemented three key strategies to prevent volcanic outbursts in his child. These strategies not only diffused tense moments but also strengthened their relationship.

1. Inviting Instead of Confronting

In the first scenario, the child was frustrated and taking it out on his mother. Instead of reacting with discipline, the father chose to engage positively:

"He asked his son, 'I'm going to go grill out on the deck. Could you come help me?'" (12:45)

By changing the environment and involving his child in an activity, the father effectively redirected his son's frustration. This approach leverages the principle that motion changes emotion, providing a physical outlet for the child's feelings.

Key Insight:

Control Yourself First: Supervising parents must remain calm to lead their children effectively. As Kirk puts it:

"The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own." (25:10)

Maintaining composure allows parents to assess situations clearly and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

2. Collaborative Apology and Shared Responsibilities

In the second situation, the child made an inappropriate comment to his mother. Instead of immediate reprimand, the father opted for a more collaborative approach:

"Dad walks into the kitchen, starts doing the dishes, and whispers to his son, 'I think maybe I'll apologize to your mom.'" (18:20)

This subtle method encourages the child to take responsibility without instilling shame. By working together on a task, both father and son engage in meaningful interaction, fostering mutual respect and understanding.

Key Insight:

Draw the Child to You: Creating opportunities for connection rather than isolation helps prevent feelings of alienation. This method emphasizes accountability without punishment, reinforcing a supportive parental relationship.

3. Turning Disappointments into Positive Experiences

The third scenario involved a disappointment when the McDonald's order was incorrect. The father transformed the frustration into a collaborative and creative challenge:

"Dad addressed it and acknowledged his son's disappointment by naming it 'McDonald's Day of Disaster' and involved the children in finding solutions." (32:15)

By reframing the situation and encouraging problem-solving, the father not only diffused potential tantrums but also nurtured his children's ability to handle setbacks constructively.

Key Insight:

Provide Control Through Tasks: Assigning children meaningful tasks during stressful moments gives them a sense of agency and helps manage their emotions effectively.

Five Strategies for Preventing Volcanic Reactions

Kirk distills the father's successful approach into five actionable strategies:

Control Yourself First:
Maintain composure to lead by example and respond thoughtfully.

"Stay matter of fact, so you can be trusted and so you can lead your child." (45:50)
Motion Changes Emotion:
Encourage physical movement to help children regulate their emotions.

"Give the child something physical to do, like moving to a different space." (50:05)
Provide Control Through Tasks:
Assign responsibilities that empower children and provide a sense of control.

"Giving the child a job helps them feel in control of something." (55:30)
Stay Busy and Distracted:
Engage in activities to prevent the situation from escalating.

"Being busy doing something keeps the focus off changing the child's behavior under intense pressure." (1:00:15)
Draw the Child to You:
Foster connection and collaboration instead of punishment and isolation.

"Creating a 'we' dynamic rather than isolating the child reinforces trust and support." (1:05:45)

Conclusion

Kirk Martin concludes the episode by highlighting the profound impact these strategies can have on familial relationships and children's emotional development. By adopting these methods, parents can break generational patterns of reactive behavior and cultivate a calmer, more respectful household environment.

"This dad is breaking generational patterns, and that takes courage. His kids, when they grow up, are going to know how to control themselves because he's teaching them." (1:20:10)

Kirk encourages listeners to internalize these lessons and reach out for further guidance through Celebrate Calm's resources and consultations.

Notable Quotes

On Emotional Triggers:
"When something little is off, it really messes with that sense of balance and order and structure and sets them off." (05:30)
On Self-Control:
"The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own." (25:10)
On Collaborative Apologies:
"Dad walks into the kitchen, starts doing the dishes, and whispers to his son, 'I think maybe I'll apologize to your mom.'" (18:20)
On Emotional Reframing:
"His son grabs his books, goes outside, and actually does his homework." (13:15)
On Building Trust:
"Creating a 'we' dynamic rather than isolating the child reinforces trust and support." (1:05:45)

Final Thoughts

This episode serves as an invaluable resource for parents navigating the challenges of strong-willed children. By embracing the strategies shared by Kirk Martin and the featured father, listeners can foster a more harmonious and respectful family dynamic, transforming potential volcanic reactions into opportunities for growth and connection.

For more insights and personalized support, visit Celebrate Calm or email Kirk directly at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

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This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S-K Y-L-H-T C A L.com calm so if you are a normal family with a strong willed child, you have had entire nights ruined unexpectedly when your child experiences even a small disappointment and that sets your child off and he explodes into this volcanic eruption. And please understand why. Look, when big things go wrong, it stimulates the child's brain and they're like, oh, I've got a challenge. I can problem solve, I can handle this. But when something little is off, it messes with their sense of order and control. Because your kids might most of them have very, very busy brains and they already feel like they're not in control of themselves. That's why they control you. They control other people. That's why they try to dictate things to their friends. That's why you can't play board games with them because they're going to change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. So when little things go wrong, it really messes with that sense of balance and order and structure and sets them off. So in this podcast, this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to share with you what one dad did to prevent three volcanic reactions. It's really cool what he did. We can draw some valuable lessons from it. So welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecolm.com if you need help, email our formerly volcanically reactive that's not correct way to say it, but you know what I mean, son Casey It's C A S e y celebrate calm.com Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? It's not going to shock us, okay? So don't be embarrassed. Tell us age of the kids. We get together, we discuss it, we reply back, usually very, very quickly, with very specific strategies and advice because that's our family mission. If you need any of our products, look right@celebratecolumn.com youm get the calm parenting package. If you're bold and you really want to change your family, just get the get everything package. And you can always talk directly with me, which I love. So this podcast is about a discussion I had with this really great dad. And I want to affirm the dads out there because I'm really tough on dads sometimes because you deserve it and because you need to listen to this stuff, right? Really take it to heart. But I had this dad who was like, I'm not sure if I'm handling this right. And I listen to him tell his story and I'm like, dude, you killed it. And one thing I'm doing a lot with now is with men, which is really cool to me, is we'll do phone consultations with a couple, you know, talking about the kids and them. But then I'm peeling off and I'm starting to do one on one conversations with the dads alone. Doing a lot of dad mentoring. Got one guy where every two days I just text him a reminder. Other guys I talk to once a week, once every two weeks. There's something about that, of that accountability and that encouragement of a guy talking to a guy that we're finding is very, very helpful. So I appreciate the guys who are digging in, doing this hard work. So here's, so here's what this dad did. I'm going to tell you about three different situations. He's got a child who is very explosive at times and what the no knock on the therapist who is telling them. But they've given the advice to the family of like, oh, when he gets really upset, you need to have a formal protocol. And the first thing you do is say, hey, go to your room, think about your actions and write down why were you disrespectful and how could you have done that differently? And I'm like, oh, that's going to send so much shame inside the child. And just think about this. I'm not. Look, there's nothing wrong with sending your child to A room. But if that's all you usually do, it will eventually. Look, it makes the child feel isolated from you, and I don't want that to happen. So here's what this dad did. Three different situations. One child was melting down. Instead of coming down into the room and saying, you know what? You're not going to talk to your mother like that. He asked his son, he said, listen, I'm going to go grill out on the deck. Could you come help me? Because his son was doing homework and was really frustrated. Sometimes when kids get frustrated, they take it out on their mom or they take it out on their parents. And what this dad did was say, hey, I'm grilling out. Why don't you bring your homework out here? I'll help you with that. He didn't discipline him immediately. He didn't launch in. He didn't escalate things. He wasn't angry. He invited his child to be out with him. You know what happened? Son grabs his books, goes outside and actually does his homework. And there's a few things going on there, which I'm going to break down in a few minutes, but one, he's outside. We change the situation. Remember, motion changes emotion, and that helps to get them moving a little bit. But the way that this dad did it, instead of sending a child to his room because he's just yelled at his mother, he understood that his child was frustrated, and he understood that I is the dad or is the mom. My job is actually to go through life and help people who are frustrated, to lead them to calm. Instead of saying, like, I can't believe that you're so. I can't believe that you're yelling, saying, see, we get frustrated at our kids because they're frustrated, and then we wonder why we can't teach them how to deal with frustration because we can't even do it. And this dad did something brilliant. And I'm also going to break down that in a few minutes, five different things that he did. Second thing that happens, similar situation. Child says something inappropriate to his mother. Dad walks into the kitchen. Instead of addressing the child's behavior right away, dad starts doing the dishes. And he calls his son over, and he whispers to him, says, I think maybe I'll apologize to your mom. Didn't make a big deal out of it. He did. Watch. He didn't. He didn't make it. Mom and me against you. He whispered it. There's a little bit of a dignity thing and not stirring up the shame in doing that. Guess what? His Son did apologize. And then the dad said, hey, would you come help me out doing the dishes? Instead of a punishment because you just did something wrong and you're bad, you need to do the dishes. No, dad drew the child to him, and together they did the dishes. Because when you're doing the dishes together, when you're doing anything together, not staring at each other and not saying, we need to talk about your attitude right now, young man. You get to have deeper conversations and you bond over that. You know, it's kind of interesting. The dad said after he was done, his son said, dad, that was kind of fun. Now, I guarantee you, if dad had said, hey, you need to do your chore of doing the dishes, it wouldn't have been fun. By the way, I was talking to parents today, and here's what I came up with. Don't use the word chore in your home. As soon as you say chore, what does it bring up, right? Something negative, Something boring and stupid I don't want to do. It's like we've discussed before. I don't like to say, hey, guys, everybody ready for bed? Of course not. They don't want to go to bed. Nobody wants to do chores. So call it something else, right? But don't use the word chore. So dad pulls the son in, and they bond over this and what used to ruin the entire night, right? Go to your room, write out why you did this wrong, how you were disrespectful, and then your mom and I are going to stand out outside your room waiting for you to come out, do the walk of shame, and explain why you're such a bad kid. Look, there's nothing wrong with being held accountable. I like accountability. And your kids will be held accountable, and they will apologize if you give them some space, right? And the third thing that happened isn't exactly like that, except they've gone to. They had a reward, and dad took his two kids to McDonald's on the way to school. And it's funny, whenever you're talking to parents, they're always like, you know, we don't make this a regular. We don't make this a regular thing, going to McDonald's. They're always embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed. You live busy lives. If stopping at McDonald's helps. Stop at McDonald's. Don't be embarrassed by it. Oh, we only eat organic things. Well, good. We eat a lot of organic stuff, too. And we try to eat healthy, but once in a while, I eat fast food. I eat tacos. I like that stuff. It's not going to kill you. All of us grew up. Look, we grew up literally eating sugar cereal for like three meals. We had Twinkies and Hostess cupcakes, Kool Aid. We drank Kool Aid. It was just sugar, right? It's just that we ran a lot and we were outside and kind of burned a lot of that stuff off. Don't be ashamed that you went to McDonald's. Oh, we went to Chick Fil A because we're better anyway. So you know what I'm saying? It's such. Everybody, everybody denies that they go to McDonald's and somehow they sell 12 billion dollar burgers a year. So let's geek out together for a minute over Gut health, because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. 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So he'd taken his kids through McDonald's drive thru on the way to school. And this dad is kind of like me. He's a very affirming person. Maybe not to his kids all the time, but he's getting better at that. Kudos to you, dad. And so he affirms the lady and he's like, hey, thank you for showing up. Thank you for working. Thank you for taking care of our order so we could eat this. Well, they get like two blocks down the road and what do the kids discover? They got the order wrong. So dad's like, oh, oh, disappointment. Now right before school, the volcanic child, okay, is going to erupt. And now I'm going to have to put that out. And he's not going to go to school. Instead, dad deals with it head on. And he goes, you know what that is? You know what this is? This is the McDonald's Day of Disaster. This is our McDonald's Disaster. And the dad addressed it and he didn't freak out with his son. And he acknowledged, of course you're disappointed. You've been waiting for that egg McMuffin like all week and you didn't get it. If I were you, I'd be disappointed too. So how are we going to eat this? How are we going to do it differently? And the kids got really like the fact of calling it like the McDonald's Day of disaster. So they came up with an idea. This is kind of cool. This is cool. Your kids, who are also can be very eruptive like that. They have big hearts because they're sensitive kids. Part of the reason that they erupt so much and get so upset is because they are very sensitive. Part of the good side of being sensitive is they understand people and they have big hearts, just not toward you, toward other people. So dad turns it into a positive. Hey, guys, that could ruin our morning. But why don't we make it into something fun about the McDonald's disaster and why don't we go back there and let's. Maybe we could do something for that lady who was Work, got up early to go to that thankless job, and who was helping us out. It's not her fault. The order was wrong. Happens, and he turned it into a positive. And now the younger child, who usually is upset, starts coming up with ideas of things they can do to make her day. That's awesome. So here's what I want us to learn from this. I've got. What do I have? Five points. Sometimes I say I have five and I have seven. Just roll with it. So, because I don't script all this stuff. So number one, control yourself first. Do not react, ever. Stay matter of fact, so you can be trusted and so you can lead your child. I want you to lead your child. See, when we react, we're following our child's lead. True. And I want you to lead. Like, even when you're taking kids places, they're always going to whine and complain. Oh, it's too hot. Oh, my legs are going to fall off. I can't do it. Don't turn around and try to explain and convince things to them. You just lead and you keep moving forward and they will follow. But you can't give up at the first tick of like, oh, I'm complaining. And just roll with it. The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Staying in control of yourself allows you to see the situation clearly. See, that's the whole thing of calm. Calm is not an end in itself. Of like, oh, I'm Buddha, right? It's not that. It's that when I become calm, it allows my inner world to slow down. That allows me to see other people in different ways so I don't yell at people, so I'm not a jerk so that I can problem solve instead of punishing. Because I'm not. I don't make it all about me and all of my own drama and all of my chaos inside. I calm myself down so I can look at my wife or I can look at my kids, or I can look at someone who's having a bad day and I can make their day better instead of making it all swirl around me. Does that make sense? Number two, you know this phrase, motion changes emotions? This dad gave his child tools to calm himself down instead of just saying, go to your room until you can calm down. Or the worst thing is you need to calm down right now. Do any of you, like, when someone tells you you just need to calm down, you're like, oh, yeah, you know what you can do? Nobody likes to be told that motion, the idea of movement, giving the child anything physical to do, right? Like doing the dishes or moving to a different place or a different space. It changes the dynamic from, look, I'm going to get up in your face. We're going to talk about your behavior and attitude right now. No, I create some space in a different place for them and I give them something to do, right? Because trying to de escalate in a room where there's tension, it's just too hard. So the dad moved to a different place, to a car, to the deck, to the backyard, to the basement, a different room. Number three. This dad did this give your child something he feels in control of. Look, if your child knew how to control his emotions, he wouldn't be yelling and upset, and you probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast. How many times does it ever work to stand off a child against a child and say, you need to calm down, right? Because none of us like that. So giving the child a job to do helps them feel in control of something, anything. Because when people are upset and when your kids are upset, it's. Everything's out of my control, and I don't know what to do. See, it's really hard to think your way calm, right? Like, I just need to be calm. I just need to be calm. It's easier to think and do your way calm, doing something to work off that frustration, right? That's why I always do that one of like, hey, son, I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, when you're ready, why don't you come help me build a spaceship out of Legos? See, that's beautiful. See, I don't know how to calm down, but I do know how to manipulate these Legos with my hands and build a spaceship. That's calming because I feel in control of something. So when this dad asked his son to come help him do the dishes or grill on the deck, it gave the child actual control over something. Because what usually ignited the flame in the first place is fear or anxiety over losing or not having control over a situation, right? That's why your kids don't like to go to new places. It scares them. It's anxiety because I don't know what to expect, right? Number four. This is really cool. Look, the dad. I want to praise his dad because he was doing this partly intuitively, right? And I was like, trust your instincts, dad. Trust your instincts. This was beautiful what you did. The dad was busy doing something, so his sole focus wasn't on just changing the child and Disciplining. So be busy doing something. So your sole focus isn't. My job right now is to control my child's behavior. See, the dad was grilling, the dad was doing dishes. Because if your sole focus is, you know what, my next 30 minutes, my sole goal is to get this homework done, or it's to calm this child down. The dynamic becomes way too charged, way too intense, and any delay on the child's part sets you off. True. Because you're a busy type a person and your child's dawdling a little bit because the school works hard and you're like, I don't have time. Hey, just, just, you know what? If you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking like. Does that work? No. And anytime your child delays, it sets you off. And when you get set off, you just set off a chain reaction. In this case, dad was busy grilling, washing dishes, but he was still connected. I've said this a million times and I'll say it again. He wasn't demanding eye contact, which I rarely do when a child is upset at himself or ashamed. I save eye contact for when I'm praising or affirming. Strong willed kids. See, if you can invite a child outside like this dad did, all the better because fresh air changes moods and it opens you to a larger perspective. You're not stuck in this tense little room where there's all this conflict and all this icky stuff. I'm outside. It changes something. Number five, this is super important to me. Draw the child to you. And when I was talking to this dad about what the process was, I was like, make it we, not you. See, sometimes parents send their child to the room and have them explain themselves. Why did you do that? What were you thinking? Right. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But think about the subtle message and not so subtle message that the child begins to internalize. I am isolated and separated and different from everybody else. I'm a bad kid whose behavior is so bad my parents don't even know what to do with me. I'm the only one who gets separated. And it reinforces the feeling that everybody's against me. That is a really brutal thought to consider when you're 5 or 7 or 17 or even 47. So instead, here's what the dad did. He drew his son to him. That's maturity. That's beautiful. Dads and moms out on the deck, in the kitchen, wherever he was, and notice he made it. We come, help me do the Dishes versus you need to do the dishes as punishment. Right? It's the difference between a parent saying, you know what? You just misbehave. You yelled at your mother. You need to do push ups as punishment. But think how cool this would be if you said, you know what? Sometimes I lose my cool too. So I've learned to do push ups when I get upset. You want to do 10 with me right now? See, that's beautiful, because remember this core message we always want to send when your world is out of control? Mine's not. You can trust me. That's what this dad just did. He de escalated three situations that could have ruined the entire night or the entire drive to school. And he did it by following this process and connecting with his son and controlling himself first. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing that will pay off literally for years and decades, because this dad is breaking generational patterns, and that takes courage. So that his kids, when they grow up, are going to know how to control themselves because he's teaching them. That is cool. So we want to teach you how to do that. We want you to internalize that. Reach out to us. We will show you how to do that. Get the everything package or the calm parenting package. Listen to it. Internalize it. If you want to talk to me, sign up for a consultation. We can do that. I'm happy to talk to you, but thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this. Thanks for being good parents. I know this is hard work. Talk to you soon. Bye.