Calm Parenting Podcast - Episode #519

Title: 3 Ways to Change Your Child’s Irritating Behavior (And Yourself!)
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: September 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode, Kirk Martin delivers practical advice to parents struggling with strong-willed, neurodivergent, or just plain challenging kids. He focuses on transforming everyday, irritating behaviors—those moments that usually spiral into power struggles—into opportunities to bond and strengthen your relationship. Instead of relying on endless corrections, consequences, or lectures, Kirk advocates for curiosity, self-control, empathy, and creative problem-solving, using real-life examples from his vast experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Strong-Willed Kids: Why Typical Corrections Fail

• Kirk’s Central Message: Rather than default to anger or correction, parents are encouraged to use irritating moments as chances to bond.
  • "I want you to turn what usually separates you from your child into a bonding opportunity to draw you closer." (02:06)
• Self-Reflection: Much of what triggers us as parents (embarrassment, fear of judgment, anxiety) is about us, not the child's character.
  • "You are anxious because you fear your child is going to be tearing his pancakes apart at a business breakfast when he's 28 or at a neighbor’s house and you'll be embarrassed. And I get that… But honestly, that's your own immaturity." (06:49)

2. Example 1: Toddlers with Unconventional Habits

Story: A young boy eats pancakes with his hands instead of utensils; his father reacts by yelling and punishing him.

Kirk’s Approach (05:30 – 09:00)

• Model, Don’t Lecture: Behaviors children need are best learned through example. Pushing evokes resistance.
  • "The more you push, the more they will resist. I promise you, when you step back and you give them space to step up, they will..." (04:47)
• Identify the True Issue: Dad’s reaction is based on fear and embarrassment rather than the actual behavior.
• Curiosity Over Correction:
  • Suggested Script:
    "You know what, son? I never would have thought to eat my pancakes like that. Does that make them taste differently? Do you like how it feels tearing them up like that?" (07:31)
  • Action: Try the behavior yourself—tear up pancakes together and make a discovery out of it.
• The Payoff: This novel approach builds understanding, reduces power struggles, and teaches kids they are accepted, even in their quirks.
  • "That will elicit a smile. And…for some kids, the first time they feel understood or accepted, even though they know they do odd things. And I cannot tell you how important that is..." (08:18)
• Notable Insight:
  • "Relationships change behavior, not all your lectures." (09:19)

3. Example 2: The Creative, Messy Child

Story: A tween daughter’s room is always a mess. Lectures, reminders, and punishments don't work.

Kirk’s Solution (12:02 – 17:44)

• Understand the Brain: Many kids who struggle with neatness have busy, creative minds and executive function challenges.
  • "It's just that the things that you do don't work with these kids. And so here's what happens…she kind of just checks out and ignores it." (12:47)
• Reset and Visualize:
  • Organize the room together—do it yourself if needed.
  • Take before-and-after photos and post them as visual guides.
  • Make a fun Instagram or YouTube video documenting the cleaning steps.
    • "Kids love videos and that may be a fun way to show and teach her." (14:33)
• Bond Over the Process: Turn cleaning into a short, fun, music-filled routine you do together, not an endless solo chore.
  • "Play some music she loves. When you walk into her room…do one song cleanup…Get it tidied up…then give her a hug and leave the room." (15:28)
• Long-Term Perspective:
  • "One day this will all be a distant memory. You're not going to remember like, 'oh my gosh, when she was a kid, she didn’t keep our room cleaned.'" (17:44)
  • Rather than creating resentment, your child remembers patience and support.
  • Fear of raising "entitled" kids is misplaced if bonding and support are at the center.

4. Example 3: The Tween/Teen Who Interrupts at Night

Story: Late at night, a teenage son barges into his parents’ bedroom, loudly flexing and seeking attention.

Kirk’s Advice (17:45 – 24:25)

• Empathize with Their Experience:
  • "They feel like they're swimming upstream in life...they're accustomed to being judged. They feel very misunderstood." (19:45)
• Handle the Moment Gently:
  • Internally cursing is natural; don’t unload anger on the child.
  • Respond with affirmation and curiosity:
    • "Hey. Wow, Peter, I can tell you've been putting a lot of effort into your workouts, man. It's really paying off. Man, you're getting jacked." (21:00)
  • This isn’t about condoning rudeness, but prioritizing relationship and self-worth.
• Invite Connection:
  • "A few days later, ask your son: 'Hey, I could actually use some help getting in shape. Could you show me a few exercises at the gym? Because it's clearly paying off for you.'" (22:37)
• Sacrifice Convenience for Bonding:
  • "Who cares if you lose a little sleep and you go work out at 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock at night…going out with them at 10 o’clock at night is an incredibly great bonding opportunity to do now and then." (23:33)
• The Big Lesson:
  • "It is relationships that change behavior more quickly than anything else. You only get so many moments like this…Turn what is irritating into an activity you can bond over. I promise you, you will never regret this." (24:07)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Triggers:
  • "We all have control issues. And I'm asking you to stop creating all these unnecessary power struggles…Some of you create drama, and there's no need for that." (06:02)
• On Growth & Change:
  • "If the normal ways worked, you wouldn't even be listening to this podcast. So I appreciate you being open to doing things differently." (12:28)
• On Patience:
  • "You still got what you wanted—an organized room—or you can just fight over it for 18 years. It's your choice. But you do have a choice in this." (17:43)
• On Regret:
  • _"You will regret hurting your relationship over this if you do not change. But if you do it right, your daughter will remember that you were patient with one of her weaknesses…" _ (17:48)
• On Affirming Kids’ Effort:
  • "This is a kid who feels so badly about himself that he knowingly does something incredibly irritating to his parents precisely because he is desperate for them—for anyone really—to notice one good thing about him." (20:23)
• On the Podcast’s Mission:
  • "Turn what is irritating into an activity that you can bond over. I promise you, you will never regret this. You and your child will look back on this—I promise you—because my son and I do decades later." (24:07)

Actionable Takeaways

• When your child’s behavior triggers you, pause and channel curiosity rather than correction.
• Join your child in their world—even when it’s odd or irritating—to model empathy and understanding.
• Use visual aids and shared activities (photos, music-cleanup sessions, videos) instead of words and lectures for strong-willed or neurodivergent kids.
• Don’t fear sacrificing your standards or routines occasionally for the sake of bonding—relationships create lasting change.
• Reflect: Is your reaction about their behavior, or your own fears and anxieties?
• Weekly Challenge: Identify one irritating behavior and use it as a bridge to bond with your child.

Episode Timeline

• [02:06] – Main Theme: Use irritating moments to bond, not separate.
• [03:32] – Social Media Paradox—building supportive community through Instagram.
• [04:33] – Example 1: The Pancake Incident.
• [05:30 – 09:00] – Seven Principles for changing how you respond.
• [12:02] – Example 2: The Messy Room.
• [14:33] – Using visuals and videos for neurodivergent kids.
• [15:28 – 17:44] – Making cleanup fun and memorable.
• [17:45] – Example 3: The Late-Night Flexing Teen.
• [19:45 – 24:25] – Building confidence and using the moment to affirm, not shame.

Kirk’s Closing Challenge:
"Think about something your child does that is irritating, not hard to do. And then really dig deep to find a way to bond over this. It will radically change your relationship with this child. And when you change the relationship, behavior usually follows." (24:25)

Links:

• CelebrateCalm.com
• Contact: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com