Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode Summary

Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: 4 Ways to Avoid Embarrassing Meltdowns With Family & In Public (#537)
Date: November 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses one of parents’ greatest fears: public meltdowns by strong-willed children, especially during family gatherings or holidays. Drawing from personal experience, listener emails, and practical tools, Kirk offers empathetic scripts and actionable strategies for avoiding power struggles, reducing parental embarrassment, and fostering trust with your child—even when others are watching or judging.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Meltdowns Happen in Public and with Extended Family

• Children often act differently with both parents or siblings present.
  • With the more understanding parent alone, kids may behave well. Add a more particular, anxious parent (often worried about others’ opinions), and tension spikes ([06:15]).
• Consistency between parents is key.
  • Discord between parental expectations confuses the child and creates a “good parent/bad parent” dynamic.
  • Kirk highlights the importance of getting on the same page:
    • “The real solution here is to get on the same page as parents so your child knows what to expect. And I would say that particular uptight parent, which was me, simply has to chill a bit and be more flexible.” ([08:55])
• Common scenario:
  • Parents bribe/threaten their children in public, trying to avoid a scene under the judgmental stares of others ([05:10]).

2. Real-World Scenario #1: The Church Cheek-Smudge Incident

• Listener mom shares:
  • At church, she tries to clean a smudge from her daughter’s face; daughter resists. Old response: double down, insist on compliance. New response: recognize child’s embarrassment, sensory sensitivities, and desire for privacy ([11:00]).
• Mom’s adapted action:
  • Whispered: “Would you like to go to the bathroom and clean it off yourself?” Daughter nods, asks mom to come along. In the bathroom, it becomes a bonding moment rather than a struggle ([13:10]).
• What the mom did right:
  1. Controlled herself and her embarrassment/anxiety instead of controlling her child ([14:00]).
  2. Changed her internal narrative: from “defiant child” to “independent child” ([14:40]).
  3. Gave ownership: “Would you like to clean it off yourself?” ([15:10]).
  4. Reframed a potential power struggle as a bonding experience ([16:00]).
• Key Quote:
  • “I think that hug was a thank you for respecting her… I'm finding that so many of these power struggles and meltdowns are being avoided because I'm not reacting in the moment and making something into a battle of wills that doesn't have to be.” – Listener mom ([14:15], as read by Kirk)

3. Real-World Scenario #2: The Family Holiday Dinner

• The setup:

  • Extended family dinners can be a minefield—judgment, comparison with “good kids,” pressure to conform ([18:30]).

• How family sometimes acts:

  • Family members question the child’s behavior and the parents’ approach, sometimes even trying to intervene directly ([19:10]).

• The child’s needs clash with expectations:

  • Child doesn’t want to eat the traditional meal, prefers mac and cheese and to play alone.
  • One parent (Kirk) fears being judged as too soft; other parent (Kristin) wants to avoid a power struggle ([20:20]).

• Common parental dilemma:

  • Give in and let child be content, or force participation at the cost of an emotional scene?
  • “I was afraid of being judged by my family for being too soft and coddling our child because they were all talking to me like, are you going to let him get away with things?” ([22:55])

4. Core Strategy: The Parent’s Inner Work

• Main lesson:
  • Before addressing your child’s behavior, address your own triggers—embarrassment, anxiety, a desire to please family members.
  • “After I learned how to slow my world down inside and control myself, I was able to see situations more clearly and problem solve.” ([26:56])
• Distinguishing when to “stand firm” versus when to be flexible:
  • Formal events (weddings, funerals, special occasions) are times the child is expected to “do hard things.” ([28:10])
  • But routine family meals or stressful gatherings may call for more flexibility—especially when a child is already dysregulated.

5. Practical Action Plan: How Kirk Handled Family Gatherings

• Two practical solutions:
  • Try a kids’ table vs. adults’ table, but when family refuses, adapt accordingly.
  • Let the child eat early and play contentedly elsewhere; when asked, respond with honesty and without shame ([30:45]).
• Outcome:
  • Parents united, child trusted that dad “had his back,” and family learned to withstand others’ judgments ([32:02]).
• “This is what we’re really after because that builds trust and that will pay off for decades. Remember, good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship.” – Kirk ([17:15])

6. Repairing Past Damage and Building Trust

• Cumulative “betrayal” moments:
  • Multiple rejections or escalations can create confusion and anger in children (“Why is my parent so different in public/around family?”) ([36:00]).
• Rebuilding trust:
  • “If you have a child…who is angry at you, that may be the reason. There’s no blame or guilt, but you have to change and then reconcile that relationship.” ([37:15])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On internal work:
  • “Her anxiety, her embarrassment, her expectations—rather than controlling her child. Our kids pick up on every single reaction of yours, and it creates this feedback loop that escalates quickly. And this mom broke that negative loop by resetting herself in the moment.” ([14:12])
• Family pressure:
  • “It’s just you and your child against the world. Both misunderstood, both second guessed. And you can’t eat, you can’t enjoy your family or Thanksgiving and you just want to go home, curl up and not feel this judgment anymore.” ([25:10])
• On parental self-doubt:
  • “Am I being too soft and letting Casey get away with things? If I don’t make him sit at the table and learn good manners, will he become an entitled, selfish brat who won’t work hard in life? These are all legitimate questions you have to wrestle with, usually right in front of people staring at you.” ([27:40])
• Building bond vs. winning power struggles:
  • “Don't project into the future with your kids and stress over these moments. He was a kid then. They’re just kids. They grow up and change, and what you want is to have that trust and that relationship.” ([34:35])

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------| | 05:10 | Why kids act differently in public/with both parents | | 11:00 | Church scenario: “smudge on the cheek” story | | 14:00 | Four things the mom did right | | 17:15 | Recap: Bonding over power struggles | | 18:30 | Holiday meal scenario setup | | 22:55 | Parental fear of judgment | | 26:56 | The importance of doing the inner work | | 28:10 | Distinguishing events for exercising flexibility | | 30:45 | Action plan: Kids’ table solution | | 32:02 | Trust results from united parenting | | 36:00 | The impact of repeated parental blowups | | 37:15 | Repairing the relationship | | 34:35 | Kids grow and change—maintain perspective |

Tone & Takeaways

Kirk Martin’s tone is practical, humorous, and deeply empathetic—honestly sharing personal failures and triumphs, always affirming parents’ struggles and commitment. The episode is filled with understanding (“It’s hard—and very normal”) and practical wisdom rooted in lived experience with strong-willed children.

Major Takeaway:
Before worrying about how to “fix” your child's public behavior, focus on managing your own emotions and reactions. Consistency, honest communication, flexible boundaries, and a willingness to weather the judgment of others are key to forging strong, trusting, long-term relationships with your strong-willed kids.

Next Episode Preview:
Kirk will share 10 practical tips for dealing with extended family over the holidays.

Questions on Calm Parenting tools? Email Casey at casey@celebratecalm.com