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When I asked Casey what his favorite Christmas gifts were from childhood, he didn't mention electronics. His favorite gifts were always hands on experiences, something he could build and play with over and over again. Kiwico crates make the perfect holiday gift. They're hands on fun and educational. Kiwico projects get your kids off screens and allow them to discover how things work and experience the confidence that comes from creating something you are proud of this holiday season. Every Ki Kiwico crate is a chance to spark wonder. From babies exploring colors to big kids engineering robots give kids the joy of making their own fun and the memories that come with it. Kiwico projects are a fantastic gift from grandparents. So tinker create and celebrate this holiday with Kiwico. Get up to 50% off your first crate at kiwico.com promo code CALM that's up to 50% off your 1st crate at k I w I c o.com promo code CALM so I'm kind of different because I like the adrenaline rush of waiting until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. But I'm almost done because I got everyone I care about Cozy earth sheets and PJs and casual wear. Why? Because I live in Cozy Earth all day and I know how relaxed it makes me feel and it's kind of fun. Using my own code calm@cozyearth.com to get extra savings on their Black Friday specials Right now I'm even getting gifts for Casey's friends because I want them to be cool like me. So last year I bought myself Cozy Earth pullovers, joggers and three quarter zip shirts because I knew that's what I wanted and that was even before they were a sponsor. Black Friday has come early at Cozy Earth so use my Code calm to get 40% off in savings on top of their site wide sale@cozyearth.com Start your holiday shopping today at cozyearth.com and use code CALM for up to 40% off. Great deals and let Cozy Earth know the Calm parenting podcast guy sent you. So your kids are often very intense and emotional and sensitive. They're particular about little things and little things going wrong can set them off. They may not want want you to help them or touch them. Even though they crave sensory pressure. They may be picky about food and not like crowds. They're usually better one on one with you, but act out when both parents or siblings are around. And what could be more fun than having your strong willed child have a meltdown right in front of your extended family or church? Isn't it awesome being judged and second guessing yourself in the moment. No, it's awful. So I want to give you scripts and an action plan so you know exactly what to do next time your child gets upset in public. Because it's probably going to happen in the next week. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us in our Black Friday sale@celebratecalm.com so many of the emails we are receiving this month are from parents who say, hey, when we listen to your programs, we get better at anticipating these situations and knowing exactly what to do. That's what we're after. So how many of you experience this wonderful dynamic with your strong willed child when out and about with one parent, your child is just awesome. You bond, you often have a lovely time, but now you add one other parent or a sibling and it's like a 180 degrees turn down the wrong path. And, and you find yourself in public bribing or threatening first in kind of hushed whispers and then kind of yelling to get your child to just behave. And you're often caught in the middle trying to manage the emotions of your child and spouse. Then it feels like there's this huge spotlight on you right in the store. You know why this often happens? Because when your child is out with the understanding parent alone, they're allowed to walk on the curb and have some latitude. But then the other parent, who is more particular or controlling or worried about what other people think, joins in and snaps at the child. The child is doing what she's always done and it's been okay before, but now she's getting corrected and sometimes a little harshly by the other parent. And the child is asking, and whether this is verbally or just with her eyes, like, why is this happening now? And now there's tension between the parents and the child feels like a good child with one parent and, and a bad one with the other. So some of you have just kind of decided you haven't really talked about as a couple, well, you'll just take that child out alone. But the real solution here is to get on the same page as parents so your child knows what to expect. And I would say that particular uptight parent, which was me, simply has to chill a bit and be more flexible. Or I'll just tell you, if you're like that, you are going to lose your spouse and child eventually. So look, we felt that all the time with Casey And I want you to know this is common. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong unless you can't control yourself or you talk too sweetly or too much. But we know that it's common. So let me go through a couple real world scenarios with some insight and strategies that I think you'll probably get to use very soon. So think about this. I think you'll be able to relate to this mom who emailed this about her daughter, Kirk we were at church. My youngest daughter had a smudge on her cheek. Without thinking, I did what moms have done since the beginning of time. I went to clean off her cheek with a pad. With kind of the pad of my thumb. She pulled away and wouldn't let me touch her. Now the old me would have doubled down and insisted that she'd let me clean her cheek. We were in church. What if someone saw my less than perfect child and judged me? Doesn't she know how important appearances are? Doesn't she know I'm her mother and defiance is unacceptable? Look, I love this mom's honesty because we've all had that internal struggle. So the mom continues. I caught myself because I've been working through your programs and I've learned not to take it personally. The old me would have corrected her sternly, but I've learned she wasn't primarily being defiant and she was embarrassed and here I was drawing even more attention to it. Plus, like you said, our kids are particular about sensory touch and don't like their privacy invaded. I don't like people touching my face like that either. Mom's dad sometimes is really helpful to think like, well, I'm doing that to my kids, but I wouldn't like that. So just think about that. So the mom continues. This was about my anxiety and embarrassment over her behavior. So I caught myself and and instead of forcing her to comply, I leaned down and whispered in her ear, would you like to go to the bathroom and clean it off yourself? And she nodded and whispered back, will you come with me? And in the bathroom we both giggled at what might have caused that smudge on her cheek. She cleaned it off, turned and gave me a big hug. And I think that hug was a thank you for respecting her for not forcing my feelings on her her. I'm finding that so many of these power struggles and meltdowns are being avoided because I'm not reacting in the moment and making something into a battle of wills that doesn't have to be Moms and dads who are working so hard at this, like this mom. Kudos to you. It's really hard work. And so I want to recap four things this mom did brilliantly. One, mom controlled herself. Her anxiety, her embarrassment, her expectations, rather than controlling her child. Our kids pick up on every single reaction of yours, and it creates this feedback loop that escalates quickly. And this mom broke that negative loop by resetting herself in the moment. Number two, this mom has done the hard internal work to change her internal narrative about her daughter from, my daughter is so defiant, she won't let me wipe the smudge off her cheek. Why does she have to make everything so difficult? She's changed that to, hey, I've got an independent child who wants to figure out things herself. Number three, that allowed the mom to give her daughter space and ownership to take care of the issue by herself. See that question. Hey, would you like to clean it off yourself? Oh, that's brilliant. Look, no one likes to be watched while they're struggling. And our kids love their independence. So work on giving your kids ownership of their choices within your boundaries. Now, this is really hard because this mom knew with one little swipe of her thumb, she could have gotten that smudge off. And with most kids, that would have been enough. Swipe, gone, done, whole thing is over in half a second. But with our kids, that could have turned into a wrestling match in church with everyone turning around to look at you. Number four, this mom turned a potential power struggle that usually separates her from her daughter into a bonding moment with laughs and a hug. And this is what we're really after because that builds trust and that will pay off for decades. Remember, good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship. And the mom averted a huge meltdown and in front of the entire church. Well done. Now, I hope you don't have to face this, but you probably will. So picture this. You're gathered together with your extended family over the holidays. It could be upcoming at Thanksgiving or Christmas around New Year's. Parents, brothers, sisters in laws, their kids, grandkids, and your strong willed child. And you're probably a little bit nervous and on edge because you hear those judgmental whispers about your child who melts down, who's super particular with clothes and food, who acts out at restaurants and in school. And you know, your family thinks you just let your son or daughter get away with things, so you just need to discipline harder. But you've already done all those things that everybody says you've been firm Consistent, followed through. You've tried consequences and it just hasn't worked. So the story I'm about to tell is actually what happened with us in almost every get together. So it's very personal because you've heard your family already. You're there, you're already kind of hearing them pressuring you and talking about your strong willed child and our family. Sometimes they'd even goad Casey a little bit because they knew he was the different one and there was this dynamic where they would take things out on him, I think because they were mad at us for not taking more drastic measures, like we weren't being good parents. So it's like they were going to step in with our son and do it differently. And they knew what he struggled with and that he didn't always play as well with his cousins. He was not the one being fawned over by the grandfather and uncles because of his good grades and exceptional athletic prowess. He was often just sitting alone building something really complex, but completely content. And maybe you have strong will kids who like doing their own thing, but everyone has to compare them as if there's some perfect standard or our kids are supposed to be just like everyone else. So you know what's coming next because you've probably lived this before. Your strong willed child doesn't like turkey, yams and stuffing. They like the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else. Sitting still at a stuffy table with good manners while everyone eats and engages in conversation, that's not really their strong suit. So your child has begged you to allow him to eat some Mac and cheese early and just keep building quietly while everyone else sits around that long table listening to Uncle Frank dominate conversations about himself or politics. And you've tried to convince your child, oh, honey, it's just one meal a year. You don't even have to eat the turkey, just eat the dinner rolls and sit there for 45 minutes. But you know your child is never going to say, you, you know what? You're right, mom, I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental brother, sister in law and parents. So I remember my wife coming to me kind of tentatively in hushed tones, pleading with me, honey, it's just not worth the fight. I'll feed him early. He can just sit downstairs building with Legos, being content. It'll be fine. But I was afraid of being judged by my family for being too soft and, and coddling our child because they were all talking to me like, are you going to let him get away with things? When we were kids, we didn't get to do that. All of those things that kind of assault your heart and your brain. So what is the dad going to do in this situation? So it's 9pm and your child casually says, oh, I need my uniform for tomorrow's game. Sound familiar? Skylight keeps every practice, game, chore and school activity in one place so you eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all your calendars and visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. Skylight is like having an assistant coach, you know, the good one, who always remembers the snacks and is on top of everything. Import a month of your kid's sports schedule in a snap. Skylight's free mobile app updates instantly, keeping the whole family in the loop. If in four months you are not 100% thrilled with your purchase, you can return it for a full refund or no questions asked. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting that's my S K-Y L I G-H-T.com parenting so go to myskylight.com parenting so I bet your family is just like ours. 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Just so you know, the roles could be reversed here. Could be the dad who's kind of chill and the mom who's really anxious in front of her family and is the more intense one. But I'm just. I always pick on the man because I'm the guy and this was me. So your husband, me, charges away from you, heads towards your strong willed child who's happily playing by himself. And you know what comes next? Tears, please. Sobs mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do this dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making me do this? And once again, you're caught in the middle between an admittedly challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make things more difficult, and a spouse. And this could be an anxious wife or husband here who isn't that great at controlling their own emotions. Not to mention being caught between your child, an entire cast of nine or 16 or 25 family members, all playing their part wonderfully in this drama that is sometimes sport to them but is deeply painful to you. Because each one of these family members has their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a parent, even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder at than anything in your life. It's Thanksgiving afternoon and this hurts and you want to cry. Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child? Why does everyone have to judge and pressure you instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself? And you know with 100% certainty that if you make your son sit at the dinner table, he. He's going to be corrected constantly by his dad or mom. Because that's what I used to do because I felt pressured to be tough in front of everybody else. And now tension will permeate the entire dinner table while everyone looks on with disapproval and disdain like they all did at Macaulay Culkin and Home Alone. And your child will feel shame and then explode. And it's just you and. And your child against the world. Both misunderstood, both second guessed. And you can't eat, you can't enjoy your family or Thanksgiving and you just want to go home, curl up and not feel this judgment anymore. Why does it have to be so hard? You're going to feel like you have to apologize 18 times to your family and it still won't mean anything because sometimes people just want to judge you because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives. And most of the time they just don't understand what it's like to have one of these kids. And I want to encourage you moms and dads because it's hard. You're going to find yourself doing things that you promised you'd never do or you're going to second guess yourself just to get through the day. And that's very normal. This was our experience when our son was young. I. I was that dad. And that was how most holidays went with our family. So what did we start doing differently? First, I had to wrestle with my own insecurities and lack of self control. Am I being too soft and letting Casey get away with things? If I don't make him sit at the table and learn good manners, will he become an entitled, selfish brat who won't work hard in life? These are all legitimate questions you have to wrestle with, usually right in front of people staring at you. After I learned how to slow my world down inside and control myself. And if you get our programs, go through the 30 days to calm program first because that's what it's about. I was able to see situations more clearly. By the way, if you already have our programs, go through that one this weekend so you can be ready. Just continually work through that one. You'll get to like, deeper and deeper levels. It's really cool. It'll change your entire life. Not just as a parent, but as a human. It's really cool. Helps me every single day in life. So after I learned how to slow my world down, I was able to see situations more clearly and problem solve. Instead of just reacting and escalating, I began to learn how to read the moment. So here's the distinction I learned to make. Hey, when you're going to your sister's recital, I know it's boring and you don't want to sit there, but this isn't about you, it's about your sister. So you'll go and be supportive and beforehand we'll run around like crazy outside to meet your sensory issues and needs. If it's going to a baptism, a wedding, your grandmother's 75th birthday party, or a funeral, well, that's not about you. It's about something important to others. And even if it's boring, you do that with a good attitude. Because that's the gracious, selfless thing to do. And that's what we do as a family. See, there are times for that. But in this moment, here's what's going on. We've been away from home for a couple days. Casey hasn't eaten or slept well. It's loud and chaotic. His schedule's off. The cousins are typically the good kids, so there's a lot of pressure. I'm acting differently around family and so is my wife because we never know when that Meltdown is going to come. Family members are predictably judgmental. It's Thanksgiving dinner. It's stuffy and formal, and he doesn't like the food. And so I reasoned, this is not the time to die on my sword just to make everyone else approve of me. And like the mom in the church, I'm not here to please everyone else. My embarrassment is my issue. And I can't allow the opinions of a stranger in a grocery store or my family during the holidays to change how I parent my child. So we came up with two different plans. Well, why not have a kids table and an adult table? The kids can do their thing. The adults can enjoy some adult time talking and drinking and being grown ups, and the kids can be kids. Well, sometimes that idea was approved, but sometimes it got shot down by the family with the perfect kids who wanted to show off their kids at the dinner table. So we read the moment, we let Casey eat early when he was actually hungry, and we let him enjoy building contentedly by himself. And when everyone asked why he wasn't at the table, we didn't lie and just say he was sick because we've used that excuse like hundreds of times throughout his childhood. So he said, well, he already ate dinner and he's downstairs contentedly building something in the other room he wants to show everyone later. And we sat in the judgment in the stairs, the comments, and we ate our dinner. And it passed. It helped my wife and I bond together as we supported each other instead of me putting her in the middle. It helped my son. This is important to me. It helped my son learn to trust me, that I had his back and I could take the judgment so he didn't have to. And over time, what it helped with is those other times when I needed to be tough and I was like, hey, this is one of those times. Hey, you just got to go and just got to. We just have to do this because this isn't about you. But see, when I could make the distinction, then he learned to trust my word because he knew when it was important, oh, I'd have his back. And I wasn't afraid of what other people thought. When we learned how to be confident in our decisions, it took away some of the sting from family. And so for the parents who wondered if we coddled him in those moments into being a spoiled brat, I'd love for you to meet Casey if you can keep up with him on a hike. He's an extremely responsible and conscientious young man. Everybody respects him at work. His managers, his co workers. He puts others first. He watches out for the underdogs in life. He's actually having a kid over tonight, a younger guy that he's mentoring. So he's not only capable of sitting through long meals, but he prepares amazing meals like the one he's making us for in about two hours from when I'm recording this. So don't project into the future with your kids and stress over these moments. He was a kid then. They're just kids. They grow up and change, and what you want is to have that trust and that relationship. So many of you have emailed directly with Casey and discovered he's just like your kids, amazingly helpful for other adults like you. Now, to my shame, I messed up a lot when he was little by being reactive and giving into my fear. And there were these pivotal moments when I would react. And before you know it, there have been like 17 of these pivotal moments when I'd blown up at my son and he was looking up at me like, dad, I'm just a kid. I need my dad to help me and not assume the worst about me. I need my dad on my side instead of being against me. And see, when this continues over time, those are kind of moments of betrayal. And I mentioned this on a previous podcast. There's confusion in your kids because they're like, I look up to you, you're my parent, and you can be so great with me on Saturday morning and do these other things with me, but then I see you lose it and I see you being weak in front of selling me out in front of family, and that's confusing to me. And so a lot of times these moments of betrayal accumulate and they can lead to anger. So if you have a child who's getting a little older, and this could be 9 or 10 or into the tween and teen years, and they're angry at you, that may be the reason. There's no blame or guilt, but you have to change and then reconcile that relationship. If you're in that situation, definitely go through the no BS program. Very concrete action steps to restore that relationship. If you need help taking advantage of the Black Friday sale, email Casey. C A s e y celebratecalm.com On Sunday's episode, I'm going to go through 10 really cool tips to help you with your extended family over the holidays. So look for that one. Hey, so much respect for you all. Thanks for doing the hard work to change. It's so worth it. Keep up the good work. Okay? Love you all. Bye. Bye.