Calm Parenting Podcast

Episode #539: 5 Quick Ways to Calm Big Emotions During Thanksgiving

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: November 26, 2025

Episode Overview

This special Thanksgiving episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast dives into practical, real-world strategies for managing "big emotions" – especially meltdowns and upsets—among strong-willed children during the holiday chaos. Host Kirk Martin offers five actionable steps, drawn from years working with challenging kids and their families, to help parents proactively create a smoother, lower-drama Thanksgiving. With typical humor and candor, Kirk emphasizes relatable struggles like disrupted routines, judgmental relatives, and the stress that comes with family gatherings.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Thanksgiving Challenge

[02:00]

• Holidays bring disruption: “Schedules are off. The child’s schedule is off … these are kids who do really well when there’s structure and routine, but now there’s not.”
• Chaos, noise, and family dynamics can easily trigger emotional outbursts in strong-willed kids.
• Judgment from extended family is common; Kirk encourages parents: “Do what’s right for your family. F the—I mean, ignore the haters. Just ignore them. They’re going to judge you anyway. You know what is best for your kids, for your family. Do that.” [03:10]

2. Step One: Give Kids Control

[05:20]

• When kids (or anyone) get upset, it's often from a “perceived lack of control.”
• Proactive planning: Have missions or jobs ready for your child – things they’re good at and can take ownership of, like helping prep food, organizing fishing lures, setting up games for younger cousins, or tinkering with thrift store finds.
• Connect your child with an adult relative who shares a similar interest or skill set: “Wow, you’re really good at seeing how things work together … it’s a superpower. That’s why I’m good at arguing with my parents—and chess and checkers.” [07:30]
• Even simple jobs like moving something heavy (“I’m not sure if you’re strong enough, but…”) can shift focus and offer empowerment.

3. Step Two: Control Yourself First

[09:05]

• Don't let embarrassment guide your reactions: “If you react out of embarrassment, just start snapping at your kids. Oh, that’s going to escalate … be embarrassed, but don’t allow it to impact how you treat your child.”
• Drop the “sweet tone,” especially with strong-willed or older kids:
  Quote: “Please ditch the sweet tone with a strong-willed child, especially when they’re upset … it just sounds condescending, like you’re not taking it seriously.” [10:25]
• Use a calm, even, matter-of-fact tone; adjust your body posture (sit down instead of towering or looming).
• Plan an “escape route” for you and your child (i.e., leaving to get groceries, running an errand together) to diffuse tension.
• Share private jokes or observations with your child for connection and “a little secret, something you can bond over.” [12:25]

4. Step Three: Validate with Intensity

[14:10]

• Validate your child’s feelings with matching energy: “I like to validate strong-willed kids with intensity. Because what it makes it sound like is, oh, you get it and you understand.”
• Instead of minimizing (“it’s not a big deal”), empathize vividly:
  Quote: “Oh yeah, Uncle Frank, really annoying … if I were you, I’d be frustrated too.” [14:50]
• Avoid dismissing or downplaying emotions (“Oh honey, he didn’t mean it. It’s ok.”).
  Memorable moment: Kirk jokes, “That’s what I always did … and then your wife is, she’s smart, will be like, ‘Oh, there’s no need for you to sleep with me.’” [15:25]

5. Step Four: Motion Changes Emotion

[16:40]

• Physical activity is a powerful tool: “Movement is a way that you help kids process their emotions.”
• When kids are upset, talking too much often escalates things—engage their bodies instead.
• Assign meaningful tasks (“adult jobs”) like making coffee or prepping food, or propose outside physical activities:
  “Hey, do you think you could move that sofa in the basement? Not sure if you’re strong enough…” [20:40]
• For little kids, treasure hunts, obstacle courses, or coloring are fantastic; for older kids, car rides or spontaneous food outings (“I was going to sneak off and get a smoothie—want to come?”).
• Preparation: Set up activities the day before (hide things for treasure hunts, set up obstacle courses).

6. Step Five: Give Kids Space & Autonomy

[22:55]

• Sometimes, the best strategy is to step back. Let your child process without an audience.
• “Nobody likes to be watched while they’re struggling.”
• Create a safe retreat spot in advance (“could you find us a quiet place in the house or backyard we can escape to?”).
• No eye contact when your child is upset.
  Quote: “A lot of dads get hung up on … they need to look at me in the eyes. No, they don’t.” [25:00]
• Use the phrase, “When you’re ready …” to give back a sense of autonomy: “If you want to come help me with this, I’ll be outside. When you’re ready.”
  This approach invites rather than demands—key for strong-willed kids.

7. Extra Tips for the Aftermath & School Transitions

[28:15]

• Expect kids to be grumpy/anxious about returning to school. Normalize those feelings:
  “Yeah, my stomach gets a little upset, I get a little crabby. Our schedule’s been off. Tomorrow morning we have to get up early.”
• Include your child in planning for the transition (“what could we do differently tomorrow morning?”), and offer purposeful jobs for their first day back.
• Collaboration with teachers (“could you arrive early and help me with something special?”) can set a successful tone for their return.

8. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Do what’s right for your family. Ignore the haters.” — Kirk Martin [03:10]
• “When you’re upset, it’s really difficult to process language. … Motion changes emotion.” [17:00]
• “Nobody likes to be watched while they’re struggling.” [23:10]
• “When you’re ready.” – as a mantra for respecting autonomy [26:25]
• “Be the no drama person your child needs this weekend.” [27:40]
• Humorous aside: “I have two picky eaters at home. One is 8 and the other is 38. LOL.” [16:05] (from a listener email)

Segment Timestamps for Quick Reference

• [02:00] – Setting the Thanksgiving scene; classic worries and challenges
• [05:20] – Step One: Giving kids control
• [09:05] – Step Two: Parental self-control
• [14:10] – Step Three: Validation with intensity
• [16:40] – Step Four: The power of movement and purposeful action
• [22:55] – Step Five: Autonomy and giving space
• [28:15] – Handling post-holiday anxiety and school transition
• [31:15] – Thanksgiving gratitude, family wishes

Takeaway Recap

• Proactive Planning: Give your child constructive “missions” or responsibilities before emotions run high.
• Control Your Own Reaction: Manage embarrassment and drop ineffective “sweet talk.”
• Validate Real Emotion: Match your empathy to your child's intensity.
• Encourage Movement: Redirect excess emotion into purposeful or physical activity.
• Respect Autonomy: Give space, skip eye contact, and use “when you’re ready” to hand control back to your child.
• Plan for the Come-Down: Normalize anxiety about school resuming, offer choices, and collaborate with supportive adults.

Closing Thoughts

Kirk wraps up with gratitude for fellow parents' hard work and the growth that comes from challenging moments. He reminds listeners to seek connection, not perfection, this Thanksgiving—and to be that “no drama person” their child needs in the chaos of holiday gatherings.

[31:25] “Love you all. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. Appreciate how hard you guys are working on this. Much respect, you all.” — Kirk Martin