Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Casey Martin (0:02)

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Kirk Martin (0:45)

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Casey Martin (0:48)

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So what do you do in that moment when your child's misbehaving? They're not doing the right thing. You're just frustrated and you don't know what to do. And you'll hear me in your head being Ann saying you need to control yourself. Well, how do you control yourself? I want to do a really quick short podcast to give you a few ideas that you can begin to practice. So that's what we're going to talk.

Unknown (1:40)

About on this very short episode of.

Kirk Martin (1:42)

The Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need any help. I'm talking really fast, aren't I? Contact Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We will answer personally because this is important to us and we want to help your family. You can always go online, get that Get Everything package. It's everything we've ever created for like the cost of one therapist appointment. If you want to talk to me, let's do phone consultations. I'll talk to you personally. We'll get a lot done in a quick period of time. Why? Because I talk really now. I don't talk that fast on phone consultations, but we do get to the heart of the matter and come up with really, really Small, specific solutions. Or you can sign up for one of our boot camps for back to school time. So here are some ideas for you very quickly. Number one, sit. I know this sounds stupid, it sounds too simplistic, but I like simple stuff that works. You're busy parents in that moment when you're getting frustrated, when you want to yell, when you want to lecture instead, sit down. It is almost impossible to sit down and, and yell at someone. If you do that, you're a freak and you need to stop. Right? Like, right. Like marching into a room, right? The very fact that you're marching into a room means I'm standing here, I'm towering over the child. Right? Or if it's a teenager, I'm kind of looking maybe up at them. And it creates a confrontation and it's a defensive response. And I kind of want to yell or use this tone, but as soon as I sit down and if I sit down and cross my legs, causes me to breathe in a little bit, it just changes the, my body posture changes my tone. And tone is almost everything with the strong willed kids. You have to practice using this tone, even matter of fact tone. I don't want to be too much like this and talking like, honey, I really need, I really need your help. That's weakness and that's condescending to a strong willed child. So that doesn't work. I also don't want to start to get this, you know, Casey, how many times. See, as soon as you go there, you're done, right? It always escalates from there. The even matter of fact tone says I'm in complete control of myself. Right? My yes is my yes. My no is my no. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream, I'm not going to beg you. I'm not just let you know, this is how I roll. Giving kids some space, take a little time. You don't have to address every single issue in the moment right now. You don't have to. You don't. It's better if you don't. I know, but we're supposed to do it promptly. Sure, but not right away. It's better if you took a couple minutes, gave your child a couple minutes, rather than jumping down their throats and expecting that they're going to respond. Well, I give you permission. Take some time, take some space. Now here's one. I was thinking about so many moments with Casey because he and I are both strong willed and we both know how to push each other's buttons and There are times where the child is doing something legitimately wrong, or they're just being irritating, or they're getting an attitude. So many times I felt justified, and I could feel. Feel it within me. I just wanted to bark at him. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I wanted to lecture him. I wanted to come down on him. But I remember I would stop. I just stopped for a second, and I would humble myself. There was something about this thing inside where I'd say, I'm justified. His attitude is wrong. I have every right to do this. But I would humble myself, realizing it just didn't work. It never works, so why keep doing it? And it was ruining my relationship with my son, right? And so I would let go of my control of the way I wanted to do it. Remember, there's this one time we used to go down when we lived in Nashville. On Friday nights, we'd go downtown under this bridge, and we'd feed homeless people. And I remember this one night, Casey had a big attitude. He was just being right. All those words you want to use. Defiant, disrespectful, right? And you know what it was? He had left his favorite sweatshirt. Because your kids all have their favorite hoodie sweatshirt. They wear, like, 18 days in a row, even when it's a hundred degrees or when they're wearing shorts to school in the winter when it's minus 20. But they've got their hoodie, right? That favorite hoodie he had left at the gym. And so he was afraid he was going to lose it. Because with our kids, little things really throw them off. Okay? If our house had been burning down, he would have been fine. He'd been like, okay, cool, we'll build a house. I get a new bedroom. I didn't really like the house anyway, but if I lose my favorite sweatshirt, I'm not mocking him. I'm mocking myself, because I'm the same exact way. And so in that moment, I wanted to go down the path of, you know what? It's just a sweatshirt. There's no need. There's no need for the attitude. Can you hear my attitude when I'm doing that? So I remember literally just stopping humbling myself. Should I have to stop at the gym on the way to feed the homeless people? No, It's a pain in the butt. I'm a time guy that's going to take me an extra seven minutes. And I've got to get off the highway and go down a side street, and he's got to run in the gym and. And I don't like driving through parking shopping centers because you have to go slow and there's all these people pulling out.