Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary
Episode: 5 Things I Feared About My Son & His Future #470
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: April 20, 2025

Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into the personal anxieties he faced while raising his son, Casey. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, many with conditions like ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk shares five major fears he had about Casey and how overcoming these fears transformed both his parenting approach and his relationship with his son.

1. Fear of Casey Struggling in School (ADHD Diagnosis)

Initial Denial and Acceptance

Kirk begins by discussing Casey's early struggles in school, which led to an ADHD diagnosis. Initially, he grappled with denial, believing Casey would outgrow these challenges. Reflecting on his own emotions, Kirk admits:

"[00:03:45] 'My first response was denial. You know what? He doesn't have ADHD. He's just a kid, he'll outgrow it.'"

Understanding and Adapting

Over time, Kirk realized that Casey's ADHD was a fundamental aspect of his personality, not a death sentence. This acceptance shifted his focus from fighting Casey's nature to understanding and leveraging it. He emphasizes the importance of managing energy rather than time:

"[00:07:20] 'We stopped trying to fight his nature and started working with it, making his schoolwork a bit easier.'"

Practical Strategies

Kirk shares practical tools developed to help Casey concentrate, such as using rhythmic movements during homework to stimulate blood flow to the brain. This approach not only aided Casey but also benefited other children Kirk worked with:

"[00:10:15] 'Casey's always tapping his pencil, which actually helps him concentrate better by bringing blood flow to his brain.'"

2. Fear of Casey Being Emotional and Intense

Dealing with Intensity

Casey's heightened emotions were a significant source of anxiety. His meltdowns were severe and prolonged, unlike those of neurotypical children. Kirk explains:

"[00:15:30] 'Our kids go like 10 levels higher in their emotions, and it can last for hours, making everyone feel out of control.'"

Developing Coping Mechanisms

To address this, Kirk implemented strategies that gave Casey a sense of control during emotional outbursts. Instead of simply telling him to calm down, Kirk offered him choices and physical outlets to manage his emotions:

"[00:18:50] 'I gave him something he was in control of, validating his frustration and introducing movement to help him calm down.'"

Long-Term Benefits

These interventions not only helped calm Casey but also equipped him with the skills to handle intense emotions as an adult. Kirk highlights Casey's ability to manage conflict effectively:

"[00:22:10] 'Now, as an adult, Casey is excellent at handling conflict and maintaining calm under pressure.'"

3. Worries About Casey’s Future

Concern Over Academic Performance

Kirk feared that Casey's academic struggles would hinder his future success. However, he realized that conventional academic success is not the only path to a fulfilling life:

"[00:26:45] 'Casey never did well in school, but he became a goal-oriented leader in his professional life.'"

Encouraging Alternative Paths

Understanding Casey's strengths, Kirk encouraged him to pursue interests that played to his abilities, such as flying airplanes and refereeing hockey games. These activities provided Casey with control, strategic thinking, and confidence:

"[00:29:30] 'When Casey started learning to fly planes, his ability to hyper-focus under pressure showcased his unique strengths.'"

Outcome and Reflection

Kirk reflects on the importance of embracing a child's individual path, even if it diverges from traditional expectations. He emphasizes that fostering responsibility over compliance leads to greater long-term success:

"[00:34:55] 'Embracing your child's unique path and guiding them accordingly works out much better than forcing them into a predefined mold.'"

4. Fear of Casey Being 'Lazy' at Home

Misconceptions of Laziness

Kirk recounts his frustration with Casey's perceived laziness—his messy room, neglected chores, and leaving lights on. Initially, he misunderstood these behaviors as sheer laziness:

"[00:38:20] 'Casey's bedroom was a disaster, and he didn't do his chores. I thought he was just lazy.'"

Reframing the Behavior

As Casey matured, Kirk observed a transformation. While some habits remained, such as occasionally leaving lights on, Casey became highly organized and responsible in adulthood:

"[00:44:00] 'Casey is now very clean and organized at home. He cooks his own meals, eats healthy, and climbs mountains.'"

Balancing Change and Acceptance

Kirk acknowledges that not every aspect of Casey changed, like leaving lights on, but underscores the overall positive transformation by focusing on adult responsibilities:

"[00:47:15] 'Some things are still the same, but overall, he's not lazy. He's a beast when it comes to adult responsibilities.'"

5. Fear of Casey Not Listening or Behaving Well

Challenging Compliance

Kirk struggled with Casey's non-compliance and disruptive behavior both at home and in school. He contrasts being well-behaved (compliant) with being responsible:

"[00:50:40] 'I didn't want an obedient kid; I wanted a responsible one. Obedience simply means compliance, which isn't who Casey was or is.'"

Fostering Responsibility and Leadership

Instead of enforcing strict behavior charts, Kirk focused on leveraging Casey's strengths by giving him adult-like responsibilities and missions. This approach built Casey's confidence and leadership skills:

"[00:55:25] 'We spent 80% of our time putting him in situations where he would excel and be successful, building his confidence and leadership skills.'"

Success in Adulthood

Casey's ability to lead, make decisive decisions, and handle conflict has translated into professional success. Kirk highlights how Casey's leadership qualities were honed by allowing him autonomy and ownership over his tasks:

"[00:59:50] 'At his job, Casey was chosen as a manager because he's decisive and a strong leader, traits that were nurtured by giving him ownership during his youth.'"

Conclusion

Kirk Martin wraps up the episode by affirming that the traits he once feared in Casey are the very qualities that have led to his son's success and strong character as an adult. He encourages parents to shift their focus from fixing perceived flaws to nurturing their children's strengths and providing them with opportunities to excel in their unique ways. By embracing and working with their children's inherent traits, parents can foster strong, respectful, and loving relationships.

"[01:05:30] 'Most of the traits that frustrate you about your child are the very traits you'll admire in them later. Embrace their nature, and watch them thrive.'"

Kirk emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and personal growth for parents, as dealing with challenging behaviors often leads to overcoming one's own anxieties and control issues. He closes with an optimistic outlook:

"[01:08:20] 'I'm excited about your child's future. They're going to be awesome. Let your kids take ownership and learn alongside them.'"

Key Takeaways:

• Acceptance Over Denial: Embracing a child's unique neurological makeup can transform parenting strategies and outcomes.
• Managing Energy: Focusing on energy management rather than strict time management aligns better with children who have ADHD.
• Leveraging Strengths: Providing opportunities that play to a child's natural strengths fosters confidence and success.
• Fostering Responsibility: Encouraging responsibility over compliance builds leadership and problem-solving skills.
• Parent Growth: Navigating parenting challenges can lead to significant personal development for parents.

For more insights and practical strategies, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.