Unknown (9:51)

So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping. So we were thrilled to discover fast growing trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't.

Kirk Martin (10:06)

Have what you want.

Unknown (10:07)

Fast growing trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. Get your plants delivered directly to your door in just a few days. Their alive and thrive guarantee ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus you get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growing trees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. So let's geek out together for a minute over Gut Health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast.

Kirk Martin (11:31)

It's a quick, easy win because I.

Unknown (11:33)

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and.

Kirk Martin (11:45)

Puts you on edge.

Unknown (11:46)

Plus my weight is down.

Kirk Martin (11:48)

I've got energy for this hiking season.

Unknown (11:50)

I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift.

Kirk Martin (11:59)

When you sign up, you'll get a.

Unknown (12:00)

Welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free.

Kirk Martin (12:05)

Travel packs in your first box.

Unknown (12:07)

So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut.

Kirk Martin (12:18)

So you may need to reset things in your home. And a good way to start is this. Hey guys, I apologize for leading you to believe that I would simply clean up all your messes every day after you. I've led you to believe that by not asking you to do anything and that was wrong of me. From now on, here are my expectations By Saturday morning if this is not completed. Whatever you lay out, I want this completed by Saturday morning. The router will be turned off. All screens will be turned on until it's completed. No screens, no friends, no Play dates, no fun. Until your job is completed. Let me know if you need some clarification. Let me know if you need help with that. There's nothing wrong with that. It's completely fair. You've owned your part. You apologized for not doing it right in the past. You set out clear expectations. This is what I want accomplished. You made it reasonable. And then you let them know, when I wake up Saturday morning, if this isn't done, hey, martial law. We don't do anything until this is done. And then when Saturday morning comes and they predictably have not completed what you asked, because that's what's going to happen. You simply do what you said you were going to do. You stick to it, even through their wailing and the gnashing of teeth, without any lectures, just matter of fact, until they begin to learn. This is how you roll. And this produces trust. Because when I tell you something, I mean it and I just do it. And it's a perfectly reasonable way to handle this. And I'd encourage you to do that. I also encourage you to sit in the midst of the mess so you get control of your triggers first. But then do this. Make sure your expectations are realistic and that you're getting progress, not perfection. See, almost all discipline we handled this way worked really well. Even matter of fact, no anger, no lectures, no drama. Be clear. Do what you said you were going to do. I do like that approach and sometimes it works great. And I'd go through, if you've got it, go through the Discipline that Works program. Because we have a wide range of how to apply this in different situations. Now here are two more ideas before we get to cleaning. Getting your kids to clean their bedroom and bathroom. So I really like this, this idea. Give your kids some independence and space with us. Maybe find one area or job in which they can actually excel. See, some of your kids may actually do their own laundry. So go to the store. Let them pick out a laundry detergent with a certain fragrance that they like. Or some of your kids, no fragrance at all. Put a hamper in their closet. Give them ownership like they're in college, like they're in control. See, some of your kids may like the control that this gives them. Don't be surprised though, if teenagers start a load of laundry and at 11pm because they forgot they needed to wash their favorite clothes for something special the next day, or because they have a new boyfriend or girlfriend to impress, don't be surprised if some of your kids do a load of laundry every two weeks. Who Cares. Just spray them down with Febreze. Kind of kidding, but spray them down, right? Because look, who cares if their clothes smell? Guess who's going to tell them about that? Their friends. And they'll learn that way. Some of your kids will do a small load of laundry every single day. Relinquish your need to lecture about wasting water or about being smelly. Just be thankful they're doing their own laundry, even if you don't like how they do it. Now that's going to be your trigger, and you need to control that and work on that. You complained all the time, and now your kid, now your child actually steps up, begins doing their laundry, and just walk by them and say, you know what? That shows me you're growing up. Awesome. You're not going to like the way they do it or when they do it, because you and I are freaks. So let control. Let go of your control issues and start to notice they stepped up in that area. Here's another idea. If it helps you out, perhaps you could pay them for doing chores you no longer have to do. It's not my favorite thing to do, but if it motivates them and it alleviates some work for you, because now they're handling laundry in a home, well, maybe that's worth it to you and it's worth it to them. Maybe they could even do laundry for their siblings in return for their sibling doing a chore of theirs. I love that idea because that's how life works anyway. Not every person in the home has to do every single choreography. It's called division of labor. We do different things. So maybe you have a child who's really into doing laundry, and he or she teams up and talks to the sibling, says, hey, I'll do your laundry if you do X, that's awesome. And you may. You may even do this. Again, not recommended, but it's a reasonable option. Hey, son or daughter, you're really good at this. If you take care of all the laundry in the home, I'll clean your bathroom for you. You may find that this works for you. And if you have a child who absolutely loves cleaning and organizing, awesome. Let them do it. So maybe you pay that child or that child charges the other sibling for their services. Take advantage of it.

Unknown (18:02)

It's how the adult world works with.

Kirk Martin (18:04)

People specializing in different areas and trading services for money. I love that idea. In your home, find what works. Because, you know, we love the idea. Do what works in your home. Not every child has to do each specific thing. It's awesome. Now, with that said, I really want you to come alongside and teach and show your kids how to do things. And you may have to add this extra step. For some kids, this is a gray area and it's a judgment call on your part. Some kids, especially little kids, will need you to come alongside and help them as they do it. I guarantee you that most kids under the age of seven are not going to pick up all their Legos by themselves. So you're going to put on music and you're going to find yourself down on your hands and knees doing most of the picking up. But that's also modeling for them. So just do that with a smile and don't be resentful about it. Now, let's apply this to the messy bedroom. So here's the question. What about my child's bedroom? It's a disaster. Or if you're in Long island, it's a disaster. What am I doing with my daughter? She's got. I just like doing that. If they can't learn how to clean their bedroom, how will they ever be organized and be successful in life? I understand. I said that same thing to myself a million times. Control your own anxiety and don't project into the future. There's a reason there's a bedroom door so you don't have to walk by and see it. So close the door and live your life in peace and let them have their messy bedroom and own it. You could live with it like that. That's what we ultimately did in many ways. You can always say, I will come in and read to you at night or talk to you if I've got a clear path, set that boundary. Hey, you don't have to have it all completely clean, but I need a clear path to get from the door to your bed. That said, how can we help our kids with their rooms? So I'm working with this good family doing phone consultations and that. It was funny because we had initial consultation. The mom kept emailing like, when are we going to talk about cleaning the bedroom? I was like, okay, I can hear your anxiety. Let's talk tomorrow. So I asked a few questions and we determined that this was. Their daughter was a very creative girl. If you get a very creative person, they're often not naturally organized either inside or outside. It's partly what leads to the creativity. Right? Because if you're very, very organized and inside you're very precise with everything, well, that's awesome for some jobs and getting some things done, it makes you very organized. But A lot of people who are kind of very tightly wired and wound like that, well, you're not great at being creative because you don't want to color outside the lines. We need both kinds of people. So my hunch is, here's what happens. Very quickly, this creative girl's room becomes a mess, and then by that time, she doesn't even know where to begin, so she just gives up. It's like your kids doing homework. If there's too many problems on a page, it's just too much, and it gets overwhelming and they shut down. It's like me going into a store where there's a ton of clutter. I just can't do it. I don't like it. It's overwhelming. So dad in this case, said something that all dads would say, which is, hey, honey, if you just took three minutes every day to clean, it would stay clean. And Dad's very correct, but her history says she will not take that three minutes every day. And I know that feeling of being overwhelmed. So here's my advice. Look, some of this is learning how your kids are wired and resetting some expectations and knowing what works. And it's perfectly reasonable. Honey, if you took three minutes, but you know, she's not. So let's change our attitude toward this. This isn't a moral issue. It's not a disobedience issue. It's a tools issue. It's a kid who doesn't have the tools to do this naturally. Well. And so. And look what. You know what just popped in my head? If our standards in life were like, say, with your kids of, like, hey, I want you to be really creative, well, this child would excel in that area. And you'd be like, man, you are so creative. And then your child, who's kind of tidy and organized, you'd be like, why aren't you creative? Why aren't you creative? And they're like, because I'm not made that way. I know, but you need to be creative in life. I really want you to be creative. And if you changed your standards around, you'd be getting on the clean, organized one who colors within the lines, who doesn't know how to be creative, because that's what you are valuing at that moment. So change your attitude. There's just one aspect of their life. And let's go for a tidy home, a tidy room, not immaculate, not perfect. Kind of like an organized mess, if that makes sense, because some of us live quite happily with that tidy but somewhat disorganized Pile, right. Like you. You may have a. An office in your home. Everything's not perfectly lined up, but you've got piles for things and you know what's in each pile. So it's tidy. You know where things are. And I want a reasonable goal for a child like this. So you might provide baskets, large baskets that she can just throw things into. Maybe there's a basket for dark clothes, one for light clothes, a basket for anything with paper, books, papers, bark from a tree. Because some of your kids collect weird things. They collect acorns. There's a basket for acorns and weird little things that they collect. A basket for personal items that are supposed to be stored in the drawer in the bathroom but somehow end up on the floor. Right? Little hair ties and a comb and a brush and all those irritating things. You may even put masking tape on the floor with four quadrants in that room, and each quadrant holds a different kind of item. Make it easy and let's go in. Just roll with me on this. Let's go in and happily do a good, not perfect job organizing her room and cleaning one day. And yeah, that means you're actually doing it, because I want a good baseline of what you want. What does this look like? Again, we're not going after Martha Stewart Living. You get that when your kids are grown and gone. And then by then you'll have learned that it's not really that important. But if you want, do it. But we're going to go in and we're going to do a good job and have her room organized, tidy. So there is a sense of order in there. That's the baseline. Now this is a cool idea. Take a picture of her room before and after you organize it, and then you can hang those pictures on her wall. Because it's likely that a creative person, these kids are very visual and sometimes these visuals can be extremely helpful because she can look at it as a guide. Because just saying clean up your room, I don't know what that means. What does that even look like? But now she'll know what an organized room looks like. Here's another idea. Make a video. You could even make a YouTube video or a TikTok video of how to tidy up. You may even get your child or one of your other kids, who's neat, to make a YouTube video of how I keep my room clean. And she could probably end up getting a lot of views and a lot of parents paying for that. Here's how I do it. You could actually make the video with five steps in five minutes to keep it like that. And then your daughter or son in this situation, whatever it is, could actually watch the video. Because your kids are very into YouTube and TikTok videos at times of how to do that. You set music to it. It could actually be kind of cool thing. It'll be a fun way to show and teach her how to clean her room. Because discipline means to teach, to show. And I love that idea of five steps in five minutes. I love this idea. Turn it into something you bond over. Look, you have choices here. You can spend 18 years of your child's life just fighting them over everything and you'll be right about most of these things. I'm right about this. They need to learn how to do it and you'll ruin your relationship. And. But instead of expecting her to do this on her own for three minutes every day, which you know she's not going to do, dad chooses to turn what usually irritates him into bonding time. So he walks in, he plays some music she loves, and when he walks into her room, he knows this. Most songs are about three to four minutes long. So dad asks, hey, we're going to do a one song clean or a two song or today. And then he makes it fun and he comes alongside of her and he does it with her. And that first he's doing it mostly for her, but he's doing it with her. And at the end, he ends up giving his daughter a hug and leaves the room. Watch. This is very. Because for many of you, you're leaving the room. You walk in the room, hands on your hips. I expect this room to be clean and you're leaving the room in a huff. And now you're separated over your child, over a bedroom, over something that just irritates you. That is not a moral issue. This is not a life issue. Right. It's not life altering. But now instead, dad leaves after giving his daughter a hug and he had fun listening to some music that he hates, probably for six minutes, but he leaves. And now he's got that connection with his daughter. And I can tell you, one day this will be a distant memory. And if you don't do it this way, you're going to regret hurting your relationship over things that don't matter. I love those ideas. Here's one more. This is really kind of cool. It's actually two. Put a dust buster in your child's bedroom. Here's why. The dust buster is small. It's easy to use quickly. You're reducing the resistance to cleaning and doing things. It's right there. Look, there's no way a kid's gonna go downstairs and drag a big vacuum up to their room, plug it in. Look, they don't even have to plug the dustbuster in. It's free and clear. They do it and they clean some things up. It makes it more likely to use it. And here's the related idea. Place a cleaning caddy underneath their bathroom sink. This is a really important insight. With kids and adults like me who are impulsive, we've got symptoms associated with add. It's super helpful to have everything needed right there. Here's my experience as a grown adult. So I'm responsible for some of the cleaning in our home. There are times when the mood just hits me to clean the bathroom, and I want to do it then. Right then, I want to do it later, I want to do it right now. Because that feeling and desire can fade pretty quickly. With me, years ago, what would happen is I would then look under the vanity for the cleaning supplies. But if they weren't there and then I had to scavenge all over the house for paper towels and different kinds of cleaners and sponges and gloves, I just wouldn't do it. So I learned to reduce the resistance to doing these things by creating a cleaning caddy. So everything in every bathroom in our home has this. There's paper towels, there's a sponge, there's different kinds of cleaners. I'm all ready. So when that moment hits, I just reach for it and I do it. Try that with your kids. It's really important. I want you also to praise for progress, because I hope one day that your child actually invites you to look at their bedroom or bathroom after they've cleaned, after they've organized. And I hope they're beaming with a little bit of pride. Now, a lot of your kids are not going to do that, but they may. And if they do, please bite your tongue. And please do not point out what they missed, how they could have done it better. At least not the first couple ties. Make a big deal out of it, even if you are cringing inside, because this is progress and this should be celebrated. And over time, over time, you can say something like this, hey, you know what? I just learned this one little tip a couple years ago. If you do X, it will help you with this and then move on to something else. Because there's nothing more deflating than being excited about doing something new and then having someone rain on your parade. So none of this. Hey, nice job. But you could make this even more clean. Don't do that. It'll kill the moment. And by the way, it will kill your relationship. Because what your kids know is I can never please my mom or dad, so why even bother? So I want you to walk alongside, go through, make some notes on this, do the hard approach. I love declaring martial law in my home. Just doing it in non personal way. Not angry, not upset. Just let you know, this is how I roll. Also walk alongside, show them how to do it. Make that video. See, you're making it fun. We're teaching now. We're building a relationship. We're praising for progress. And along the way, you're also working on yourself. This is hugely important. So these triggers, no matter what they are, don't trigger you anymore. We want small wins, we want progress because we're building new skills for some of your kids and we're building new skills for you. So work on this stuff. Go through the different programs. They come right on the app. Your kids can listen, your parents can listen, your spouse can listen on their own phone. You will break generational patterns. Take advantage of that holiday sale. If you need help, reach out to caseycelebrate Calm. We will help you with this. But I can't wait to hear from some of you that you did these things. You're like, hey, that really worked. That's what we're after. So thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing this with your friends. Love you all. Take care. Bye.