Unknown Parent (6:33)

Right?

Kirk Martin (6:34)

And of course he didn't do his homework. By the way, quick little thing. Normal teen behavior. Please know this. They come into the kitchen without saying hi and open the fridge. They hold the door open, letting the cold air out, annoying you while looking for something to munch on. Aggravated because. Because even though you spent $700 a week on snacks, you never have what they want in that moment. But when they finally find something, they eat it. They leave the wrapper on the kitchen counter as they disappear to their bedroom to text and Snapchat with their friends. They reappear for dinner, then ask to be excused as soon as they woof down their food. And then you may see them again later before bed, repeating the same refrigerator scene. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that's very normal. Right? Their friends are everything to them. So take the small opportunities you get to connect with them, usually when you're running them around places. So when you pick your kids up or greet them after school, what's your first question? Hey, how was school today? Which is followed by have any homework?

Unknown Parent (7:35)

Right?

Kirk Martin (7:36)

The two worst questions you can ask. This is driven by our own anxiety. School is important to us, us because we need our kids to do well in school so they can graduate, so they can get a job, so they can get a spouse and they leave our home before they're 29. So, right. So instead you're wanting to ask like I didn't get any calls from the principal today. So did everything go okay? Did you make any friends? Did you talk to anybody? How does that test go? And what our kids hear is this. How did you perform today? How did you perform today in that environment that pretty much exploits all of your weaknesses and doesn't play to any of your strengths? See, when you ask those questions, you get the same responses. Fine, okay, nothing. And sometimes a meltdown because the day has been a blur for them and now they run right into the buzz saw of a crazy afternoon and evening that we as adults largely create. So I'm just going to be blunt. I know you're going to resist this at first, but I want you to think hard about it. You must have the courage to slow down your lifestyle and say no to societal pressures, especially if you have a strong willed child. Because you know there's going to be a meltdown. You know they struggle with anxiety, you know these issues are going to come up, they're going to fight with siblings. So you've got to say no to too many extracurricular activities. The are just born of pressure and anxiety. Just because all the other kids and families in your neighborhood are over committed and stressed out doesn't mean you have to be moms and dads. You have a choice. You get to say no. You're the gatekeeper of your home. You decide what's important. And look, sometimes when your kids are defined or meltdown, here's what they're really saying. I can't keep up with this pace of life that you have chosen for us. We go to school all day. The then rush to piano or soccer or practice, to tutoring, to therapists, to doctors. And then we've got homework and dinner and bath time at bedtime. And I never get any downtime to just play or relax without the constant pressure. I can't take it anymore. So we as parents have to have the courage to say no. Your kids can't do it. You must do it purposefully, intentionally slow life down. It's got to be a conscious decision that you make daily. Because if you don't, you're choosing some chaos because it's against human nature to rush like we do as modern families.

Unknown Parent (10:02)

Right?

Kirk Martin (10:02)

You can't do it all. So what are you going to do to slow your life down to create more simplicity, to focus on what's really important, which is building relationships, encouraging curiosity? So make a plan. Make some tough choices, cut some things out. Give your kids some ownership of those choices. Sometimes you can even ask them like, hey, do you want to run around like this? Or would you just like have a little bit of downtime? See what they say now this isn't time to just sit and be on their screens all day. See, when we as adults run around like chickens with our heads cut off, creating drama over everything, it's no wonder that our kids have so much anxiety and they ride this emotional roller coaster. So I want us to be the grownups, to be the adults to make the tough choices. It's your family. Do not allow the neighbors to determine your lifestyle because they don't have to live with all the meltdowns that you do.

Unknown Health Expert (10:55)

So let's geek out together for a minute over gut health because I'm really into this. I just learned that prebiotics are the food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a wonderful partner to the podcast.

Kirk Martin (11:23)

It's a quick, easy win because I.

Unknown Health Expert (11:25)

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut. When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs, but we just saved 90% with fast growing trees and they helped us get the exact privacy in flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate and it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growing trees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

Kirk Martin (13:27)

So when you and your kids get home and some of you, it's you're coming right from work to pick them up. You might be picking up from daycare, it might be from school, it might be after practice, you might be a stay at home parent. You may be picking up all different. It doesn't matter. Welcome your kids into the afternoon or evening in a calm way. Connect with your child first by asking a question about something they are interested in. Not school, not homework. What are they interested in? Ask them about that. Look, some of your kids just need quiet and silence and we've got to get used to some silence and let go of our own anxiety and our need to know right away how everything is. Let them listen on their with their headphones, earbuds to music or something they want to listen to. Don't put pressure on them to talk right away. I'd rather them open up once they feel settled than force them to talk right now. So here's a great one. Hey guys, something happened to me today at the post office, at work, at the grocery store and I'm curious, what would you do if you were in my situation? See, kids get told what to do literally all day long at school and then they come home and now it's chores, homework, practice, doctor's appointments, dinner, shower, bedtime. So ask them their opinion about something going on in your life and that may get them to open up. Right? Connect. Sit down for three minutes. I'm going to hit this. Three. Three minutes. Just think three minutes. Do an activity together even before you get everything productive completed. Play a game of checkers or uno color. Plan a fun outing. Something with no pressure, no anxiety. If you can get outside with your kids right, go for A walk in the woods, by stream, walk the dog, play catch, kick a soccer ball back and forth, right? Play ding dong, ditch, I don't care. Just get some exercise if you can. Vigorous exercise, super important for your sensory kids. Burns off anxiety, stimulates the brain. By the way, doing homework after vigorous exercise, hugely important. I don't care. Sit on the front porch and have a snack together. But let some of the anxiety and pressure of the day roll off of them, right? So treasure hunt, love treasure hunts, right? Kid comes home for school. This is not middle school and high school kids so much, but little kids give a treasure hunt. Hide something, Say hey, hid your favorite toy. Hit a snack in the backyard, bet you can't find it, right? Kids love problem solving. It burns off some energy, gives some fresh air. You meet some sensory needs, you create a success right away. Now here's another twist. You can ask your child to say, hey, why don't we hide something? So when mom gets home from work, she's got to find it. Kids love stumping their parents, right? It's tough. So look, part of it is making that transition from work to home. Because many of us like me, I need things, I like things to be just so all the project managers and engineers out there, right, you want their house to be in order, right? To have the kids quiet, behaving perfectly. The problem is life doesn't work this way. See, at work you can write a memo and tell a subordinate what to do. We get to fix problems and experience immediate satisfaction and accomplishment at work. But for some reason, your spouse and kids don't read your memos and your kids don't always follow your orders. And by the way, how do you measure job performance as a parent? That makes it really tough. So sometimes I would stay at the office longer because it's much more comfortable, stable environment for us, right? So here's our measuring stick for success as a parent has nothing to do with your kids behavior. Instead, our performance as parents is measured by behavior. Can you control yourself and be the calm in the middle of the storm? So on the way home from work, begin to think this thought. No matter what is going on at home, whether our kids are out of control, toys are over the floor, whether my spouse is upset, my job is not to control everybody else, it's to control myself, right? Instead of you needing them to be just perfect, you are going to be the leader who brings calm into your home. See, it's a very powerful mindset. It's not easy, but it's powerful and it's the only thing that works anyway. Because yelling at the kids and snapping your spouse doesn't work and only makes things worse. So instead of you needing them to behave a certain way, they need to be able to count on you, right? So here's a few tools you can use to set a new tone in the evening when you walk through the door. This is that treasure hunt. I love this one. When you get home, grab some loose change out of your car, swing open the front door and yell treasure hunt.

Unknown Parent (18:05)

Right?

Kirk Martin (18:05)

In a fun tone. And as the kids run out the door, throw a bunch of change into the front or backyard because kids love treasure hunts, especially when it's real treasure. And watch the kids run outside and look for the money. While they're doing that, you can double lock the front doors and barricade yourself inside for three minutes so you can breathe, right? Look, I don't care if it's dark, have them run and grab flashlights. Flashlights are fun. Anything with a flashlight is usually fun, okay? Unless you lost power this winter and you're freezing to death. Encourage them, praise them while they're scampering to find the change. See, it creates a different mood, right? And that only takes seven or eight minutes. But then you get them out of the house. Fresh air, exercise. Maybe when you come inside, they can dump the change they found into a family fun jar. And you save that for a special event. Or maybe just have the strong willed child steals it in the middle of the night. You know how that works. But. But you make it into something special. You change the dynamic. Okay, here's another tool. Here's another three minute tool. You walk through the door, walk right past the kids and straight for your spouse. Even if you don't feel like hugging each other, hug, right? Because there's times you don't feel like hugging. Because all relationships and marriage, they're difficult, right? They're supposed to be difficult. But you go and you hug, right? Because look, many of your kids are good at dividing and pitting parents against each other, but they can't do that unless you allow it. And you're sending the message that the adults in the home are united. It's a really strong message of stability. And whether this is a single parent or both parents, I want to ask three minutes of you during this ugly, awful evening. Homework, dinner, preparation, running to soccer practice, time of day when everybody's crabby, three minutes up front. That may save you an hour or four of fighting later. So go sit in the living room. If your spouses Sit together on the sofa. Single parent. Just sit there, talk softly, right? Especially if it's with your spouse. Talk softly. See, your kids are going to be drawn to you because you're sitting in calm. They're drawn to people who are sitting because that says they aren't in trouble and that you have time and you're not going to yell at them. So picture this. It's that crazy time of day, but mom and dad are a single mom or dad. Sit on the sofa. Do you know how powerful that message is that you're sending? You're saying everything's okay in the world. The adults who are supposed to be in control are okay. They're sitting together. Instead of running around barking orders, creating unrest and chaos, you're sending a message of stability that will set the tone for the rest of the night, I guarantee. Look, sit on the floor. Try that. Build with Legos for a few minutes. Watch your kids gather around you. Ask about the interest. Let them talk, share with you. Laugh, smile, praise them, right? And then, see, then once it's there, you can say, guys, listen, we've got a really busy night because we've over scheduled you. So here's what we're going to do. Son, you and I, we're going to get started on dinner while mom and daughter go get X taken care of. In 34 minutes, we take off. But now I'm doing it from a place of me being in control of myself. And we've already connected. See, when you have a ton of things to complete, from dinner to homework to soccer practice, if you take those three minutes when you get home to sit, watch how much. Watch how much connecting leads to more cooperation, more compliance. Okay? Right now look, teens are not going to come and sit on the floor with you, right? They're going to be doing their alone time thing. But you can always go up to their room, knock on their door to show some respect and honor their privacy. Go in and sit down. Don't stand at the door telling them to come for dinner, do their homework.

Unknown Parent (21:47)

Right?

Kirk Martin (21:47)

You have every right to do that, but you're just going to get pushback or silence. So sit down, ask them something about their day, what they're doing.

Unknown Parent (21:56)

Right.

Kirk Martin (21:56)

I don't like all the social media stuff. I hate all that stuff. But I've learned to ask positive questions about Casey's friends and take an interest in his passions before getting to my passions. That is the chores I want done.

Unknown Parent (22:12)

Right?

Kirk Martin (22:13)

Look, that blob sitting over there is not just your pawn or employee that is your son or that is your daughter. And your goal is to build a relationship, not just be productive. See, if you build the relationship, you'll get them to do things and be more productive. And I encourage you, resist that urge to lecture your teenagers. They already know right and wrong by now, and they're just tuning you out, Right? So instead, model the behavior you want your teens to follow. See, next time you're tempted to lecture, say this instead. Hey, you know what, son? I get what you're saying. You know, I might have some thoughts on that topic or that subject. So if you want to come grab me later, I'll be glad to talk to you about it and then get up and walk away, right? Because instead of dumping all of your lectures and anxiety onto them, you are now drawing them to you, right? That is a really cool thing. So here's another one. You begin to get up and say, hey, Jacob, why don't you come help me get dinner started while you tell me about that robot idea that you had about your Call of Duty video game and why you're so good at it. Hey, Sarah, I bet your mom would like hearing about that new book you've been reading while you help her set the table. Okay, that's a little bit idealistic, but the idea is I'm going to draw them to me, and we're going to keep the connection going while you do chores. Right? Because kids love that connection instead of all the chaos. And that can flow right into dinner time, into homework time, and everything else. So my question for you is, what are you going to change tomorrow, this afternoon that will alleviate that afternoon chaos? Because you have a lot of power in this situation. You can change this. So let's do this. Choose one or two action steps from this podcast, and let's implement them with your kids and watch what happens. It's really cool how much power you have, not by changing your kids and getting them to listen to you all the time, but by simply changing yourself and your tone. If you need help with that, reach out to us. You can find get to get everything package. Then you have everything that we own. A lot of parents are like, does that really have everything? I'm like, it has everything. So why we call it the get everything package, and then you have everything that we've ever done, and you have all the tools that will help you as you work through that. Or the Calm Parenting podcast or the no BS program. If you want to do talk to me on the phone, you can do that. Or you can just email us and we'll help you. Okay? Because that's what our mission is. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for subscribing to the podcast and sharing it with other people. Love you all. We know this is tough to do, man. It's really tough. But we're here to help, so thank you all. Bye.