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Calm Parenting Podcast
6 Creative Ways to Motivate Kids To Listen, Be Responsible & Do Chores #546
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Do you have kids who you know what? I'm not even gonna begin this podcast with one of those rhetorical questions, right? Like do you have kids who fight you over chores and have selective hearing that is they can't hear their parents? I'm not gonna ask that because I know that you do. And if you have a strong willed child or a child with pda Pathological demand avoidance. The traditional approach is to get your kids to listen and to motivate them to do chores or just put their shoes on. Typically Backfire. I want to give you a wide array of different strategies that will work for different kids in different situations, no matter what the ages of your kids. And I'm going to give you a couple realistic approaches to this that you may not hear anywhere and at first you're going to reject like your kids do, right? The first idea. And you're going to hate it at first, but I think you'll end up loving it. So that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin you can find us in our big christmas sale@celebratecolm.com so I want to begin with a tough approach because it's the most simple but usually the least effective with strong willed kids. But you've got to have this approach in your back pocket at all times. What I want you to know is the tough approaches with these kids, they just tend not to work all that well in the long run run. And they definitely won't work that well with your kids with pda. And a side note, I'm going to devote two entire new episodes to addressing PDA right after the new year. So subscribe to the podcast and you won't miss these when they're released. So here's some options. You can discard them, you can adapt them, you can use them verbatim. But sometimes you have to use a firm approach to set your expectations. Just remember, I don't make things personal. I don't lecture or go on and on. I don't create drama, even though your kids will. So your kids are refusing to do chores. And I just say this. Look, every day I run three services in this home for you. A meal service, a taxi service, and a laundry service, in addition to the 83 other things you do as parents. In return, I simply ask that you complete three simple chores from now on. If you don't do your chores, my services begin to shut down and then your kids are going to complain. Seriously? You're not going to take me to my soccer game if I don't do my stupid chores? Look, you don't need to lecture, plead, or convince them of the fairness of this. Just set the expectation very clearly and matter of factly. Yeah, that's just how life works and how our home works. No chores, no taxi service. Well, that's dumb. If I don't make it to my soccer game, my coach is going to be upset and I'll let my team down. Yes, you will. And then you can explain to your coach that you missed your game because you chose not to do your chores. See, can you hear that? It's the tone and the shift in responsibility that is the most important part to me. I'm not creating drama. I'm not making it personal. You know, how are you guys ever going to be responsible in life if you can't even clean your room? I'm not expressing my resentment. You know what? After all I do for you guys, the least I expect is for you to help a little bit around the house. When I was a kid, I just scrubbed the floors See, that just gets into resentment and guilt trips because you've taken on too much of the responsibility yourself. With this tone and this example, I'm just shifting responsibility to my kids in a reasonable way. Now look, if your kids are currently doing nothing, and I get that, then maybe add one or two responsibilities to create a success and just get a win and get some positive momentum. If you're doing too much for your kids, then you have to reset. You can apologize for setting that expectation. Look, your kids are never going to wake up and say, listen, Mom, Dad, I just talked to my brother about this. We've determined you do way too much for us. Yeah, that's not going to happen. So you can apologize for doing too much and, and then reset. And this tone and example is the pattern for much of the discipline in your home. Very few words, concise and clear. You simply do what you said you were going to do. I promise that if you don't do your chores, I am not going to run my services for you. You are simply keeping your promises and that speaks of personal integrity. I want you to be able to count on me when I tell you something. So here's one more example. Your kids get up on Saturday morning, they're excited to play with friends or build or get on screens and you say, hey, this week you were asked to do X and Y and that didn't get done. So until those two things are completed, there's just no fun happening in this home. Short and sweet. Now you can expect wailing and gnashing of teeth. Your kids are never going to say mother, father, thank you for holding us to a high standard and expecting us to be responsible for. We know this is good character formation for our future. Yeah, they're not going to do it and so they're going to complain. Don't react to that. Now, we used to call it kind of declaring martial law in our home and the kids will complain that it's not fair and it's boring. Just smile, go about your day, put on your noise canceling headphones when, if you don't have those, ask for those for Christmas and crank up the fun music. Look, you guys can complain for the next seven hours if you want. That's your choice. I'm going to get my stuff done so I can enjoy the rest of the day. Okay, number two option. I actually like this option a lot because a core principle with strong willed kids is giving them ownership of their choices. Ownership says, look, here's my objective. I don't care how you Accomplish it. Just get it done. Now this skews a little bit toward kids as they get older. So you list all the chores that have to be done around the house on a weekly basis. Put that on a big piece of poster board and maybe you get your kids a pizza and you say, hey, we want to give you guys an opportunity to come up with your own plan to get all the chores done each week. You can divvy up the chores however you want between each of you. You can change it up every week or month. It doesn't matter to us. Just come up with a plan. You're teaching your kids how to negotiate and problem solve and be assertive and own this themselves. And I'd be fine if your kids came back with a plan that even said, look, we're going to do most of these plus a couple of your adult chores like cooking twice a week in exchange for not having to do X and Y. See, I would love that. Now if they can't come up with a plan, then you just have to be the dictator and you assign the chores to each of the kids. But I would definitely try this and coach them along in how to compromise and be creative. Number three. I'm including this option because it's very realistic and it's kind of funny to me, but it's funny because it's realistic because of the kind of kids we have. What may end up happening is this. Say you have a more strong willed child and a couple other kids. Your strong willed child is going to pay one of his siblings to do some of his chores and then probably manipulate the more compliant people pleaser to do the other ones. And you're going to think that's not fair, you can't do that. But here is what I would say to your strong willed child. You know what? That's brilliant. Chores are boring to you. So you used your brain and your creativity and you came up with a plan. See, you're really good at earning money and probably stealing it from my pocket sometimes, but you decided leave out that part. So you decided to pay your one sibling money to do your chores. That's called delegation. And you're going to use that in life because one day you're going to own your own business because God knows nobody's going to hire you because you don't like authority figures. You can kind of keep that part, sarcasm aside. But you know, they're probably going to run their own business one day. Look, I'm working with their nature. So son or daughter, you're going to have to hire people to do the things that you're not good at doing or that you don't want to do. See, you're teaching them a life skill at an early age. And I know as a parent you're going to struggle because they manipulated their other sibling to do chores. But you know what, the other words for that instead of just manipulation. It's called understanding human nature. It's called influencing people. Now, I don't want your kids to grow up to be manipulators, but that's not what they did. The real issue isn't your strong willed child. It's the people pleaser and you have to give them skills. So you talk to that child and say, look, if you really want to do this for your brother because you love carrying out tasks and you like cleaning, go for it. But if you're just afraid to speak up, oh, I don't want you walking through life getting manipulated by other people. So let's learn how to be assertive and say, no, I'm not doing those three chores for you for free. I will do them for X amount of money or I'll do those in exchange for you doing this for me. See, I actually love this idea. I love teaching your kids how the real world works. And you're not. Look, if you have a strong willed child, they're not all doing an equal number of chores. It's going to look different than your perfect ideal and that's okay. Okay, number four, this is going to irritate you, but I want to save you countless power struggles with the following options. If you have toddlers, I guarantee you this is going to happen. Their toys are all over the floor. And as good moms and dads, you're going to say, honey, you need to pick up your toys right now and they're going to resist or ignore you and they're not going to do it. You're going to be tempted to say, well, if you don't pick up those toys, I'm going to put them in a bag and take them to Goodwill and give them to a child who wants them. And the strong willed child will call your bluff. You will look out the window 10 minutes later and see your child walking down the street lugging a bag filled with to to the local Goodwill. That's how strong will kids roll? So here's the option I'm going to give you. Turn on some fun music, get down on the floor with your kids and pick up their toys and put them in the bin. Together. And the whole time you're going to be swearing under your breath and complaining, I'm picking up more toys than they are. I know you are. And we did the same exact thing with Casey, and I hated it. And you're going to wrestle with the same question we did with, well, if we do this, aren't we going to create an entitled child who never learns how to be responsible? And the short answer is no. Now, if you do that their entire childhood and never ask them to do anything, and if you give them lots of things or whatever they demand whenever they want it, then yes, you will create a monster. Make sure your kids always have even a small investment of their own money or time in anything special they buy. But just model being a hard working, responsible person, and your kids will inherit that DNA inside those kind of traditions of your home. So in this case, you read the moment and you got down on the floor and you played music and showed your kids how to clean up quickly together. And as they get older, you can balance that out. And don't be afraid to say, no, I'm not going to do that for you, but I believe you're capable of doing it. Now, here's a bonus point for any moms and dads, but especially moms who really struggle with this. Ask your kids to bring you something sometime. Get them in the habit of serving and doing things for you. Hey, could you bring me my glass of iced tea from the kitchen, please? Ask them to do that and watch what happens. Those of you who have demand avoidant PDA kids will use this strategy. A lot of doing the chore together makes it feel like less of a demand. Hey, let's see how many Legos we can pick up together before the next two songs are over. So do you want to pick up the red blocks while I get the blue blocks? I used this a lot with Casey when he was young. Sometimes I'd actually let him think he was in charge. All right, you're the boss of the blocks. Which color do you want me to pick up? And which are you going to pick up? He liked that sense of ownership. And I'll just encourage you with this case. He's 32 now. One of the reasons he got promoted very quickly at his other job is that he's very conscientious. He works hard, he takes care of business without being told. When he and I work together, he's proactive. Whenever he brings me a challenge or a problem, he always comes with a solution that he's researched. So don't worry about trying different ways of motivating your kids and keep modeling life for them. Okay, let's get to the one that you'll hate at first, but I find to be the most realistic. I want you to be relaxed this holiday season because you're such busy parents. Wayfair.com just made gift giving easy for us. We have so many different people to buy gifts for with such different tastes and needs. So we went to wayfair.com and got wine glasses and a decanter for our wine enthusiasts and a special espresso machine for the coffee lovers, throws and sofa pillows for relatives who moved into a new home and a cute dog bed. Boom. Done all in one Place all of these great gifts ship fast and free and I love that we get accurate email updates for delivery from one place, not like seven different online shops so we know what is coming when get last minute hosting, essentials, gifts for all your loved ones and decor to celebrate the holidays. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to get to shop all things home. That's W A Y f a I r.com Wayfair Every style Every Home so with all the holiday parties and pressure, Mrs. Kalm and I have a secret strategy. We order three hungry root meals each week, so we're guaranteed to get high protein meals with all good ingredients without the stress of battling grocery store crowds. Last night I I prepared the Hungerroot Bison Pasta Bolognese and the Korean Barbecue Chicken in less than 20 minutes with no waste, minimal cleanup and over 40 grams of protein each. Plus, they're delicious. Hungerroot even has yummy options for your picky kids, and it customizes recommendations that fit your family's taste and nutrition goals. Hungryroot is kind of like having your own personal shopper and chef is in one so you can spend more time enjoying your kids. We love Hunger Root, so take advantage of our exclusive offer. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Okay, number five, I'm going to switch up the order here because I do like this one. Work with their nature Most of us have kids whose brains crave stimulation, intensity and novelty. We had 1500 of these kids in our home and they all did chores for us. But I worked with their nature and often made things a challenge for them. Hey, bet you can't do this chore blindfolded or backwards. Hey, do you think you can get all the crumbs off the kitchen floor without using the broom? And that inspired their creativity. Although one girl did this by crawling on her belly and eating the crumbs off the floor. Not recommending that, but sometimes our kids do that stuff. Sometimes I appealed to their ability to fix things. So instead of saying, you need to clean this disgusting gunk out of my sink, which also backfired because I used the word clean, which is a four letter word to our kids, I call them in and I ponder this problem. I'd say, you know, I haven't been able to figure out how to unclog this sink. Oh well, I guess I'll have to call a plumber. And sometimes I would say, or do you think you could figure out a way to do this? And then they'd use these little pipe cleaners or other ways to get disgusting gunk from the drain and not mind it at all. Why? Because I didn't demand that they do it and I was actually appealing to that. Their nature, which is these are kids who see patterns. They like to problem solve and tinker and figure things out. Out. By the way, little weird side note, I rarely use the word clean or chores with kids. I'll call it a mission or a problem I can't figure out. Just like you should never ask your kids, hey, ready to go to bed? Of course they aren't. And the word bedtime is a trigger for the day is over and I'm not tired. But if I right and it's a trigger for I'm going to fight you for the next hour while mom and dad are most tired and frustrated. And then you're going to put me to bed and everybody's going to be angry. So we don't want that. So when kids are little, I'd say, huh? Who's ready for me to read them the end of that story so we can see what happens to Captain Underpants? See, it was a way to get them in bed and they knew that we read before bed. So with my PDA kids and most of my and my son and I test kind of in the mid range for that, I would say things like this using a more indirect or playful approach instead of telling them to clean your room, I'd say, hey, I wonder how fast your rocket ship team could get these toys back to base. Or hey, do you think the laundry basket is hungry for socks today? You're reframing the situation from telling them what to do to making a game, letting them using their problem solving skills, sparking their curiosity. And remember as well reduce the complexity and friction to get things done. Look, I'm responsible for cleaning the bathrooms in our home, but I tend to do it when the mood hits me, like right then. And if I have to walk all of 18 steps to the kitchen to get the cleaner or roll of paper towels, I just won't do it. I am perfectly fine with you judging me for that, because I would too. It sounds kind of stupid, but I know myself and I know these kids. So you reduce the friction and make it easier to work with momentum. So I keep a cleaning caddy with all the supplies under each bathroom sink. Look, if I lived alone, I'd probably keep them out so I wouldn't even have to open the cabinet. That's why I like putting a dust buster in your child's bedroom. They can use it at any time rather than having to lug a big vacuum cleaner to their room. The point is, it helps to understand and work with your child's nature. So be flexible, including looking at chores the following way. This is number six and the one I really, really like. And I think it's a good option when you have a strong willed child. Now look, I've joked before that Casey was virtually useless for us in our home as a kid, but was and is always amazing for other people outside the home. And that's what you're raising your kids for. You're raising your kids not to be kids when they're 23, but to go outside the home and be responsible in the real world. And chores were always a big power struggle with him. So we step back and it's okay, what's the purpose here? And it's so kids contribute to your family. It's so they learn how to do things they don't want to do and, and be conscientious. And we had always said, we're raising Casey not to be a good kid or even a well behaved child, but a responsible, respectful young man who operates well in the world on his own. So we decided to expand the boundaries of what we considered acceptable chores for Casey. So Casey routinely went to this older couple's house down the street and he helped them with miscellaneous chores that they struggled with. They loved him and he loved them. He was being responsible and respectful. He was serving other people. And that's what we were raising him to ultimately do in life, even if he didn't do that well at home for us. And you're going to have to wrestle with that because you're going to be like, oh, they need to do this. And I want you to know this is an option. So he was a physical, sensory kid. So although he didn't like doing chores inside, he. He would dig holes, pull weeds, shovel mulch, do landscaping type work. He loved cars, so he'd wash the cars. Not very well, but he would do that. And we counted those as chores. We used to go down in downtown Nashville on Friday nights and we'd feed homeless people. So he'd load extra water in the car, cook meals and serve people. And he began making us water one or two meals each week. To this day. He is a fantastic cook and he loves making us special meals. We counted those as chores so you can go beyond traditional chores with these kids. At age 12, he began officiating hockey games at the local ice rink. He had to set his alarm, get up early on weekends, show up on time, clock in work, fill out his paperwork, be responsible to his boss. Some of you have kids who enjoy the adult world and doing adult responsibilities. Let them do that. Some of you have kids who enjoy doing kid chores. That's awesome. Be flexible with this. You can raise your kids according to their nature and you treat kids differently all the time. Now, some will complain that your one child doesn't do different kinds of chores so you can give them options. Well, do you want to go do chores for the Hendersons down the street? And they'll be like, no, they're old and they smell okay, well, your brother loves helping them, so he does chores for them. Do what works for your family. Put it in your child's court. This is what we really want. In the end. Look, a mom just emailed and said, hey, our son has pda. He resists us on so many things. I was listening to your programs one night while cooking dinner and. And he asked what it was about, and I flippantly said, this is for grownups. You wouldn't understand. You can guess what happened next. He became obsessed with listening to you. So the mom said. I said, why don't you listen and tell me a couple things I could begin doing differently as a mom? And her son replied, I already think you're a great mom. And so the mom said, I wasn't expecting the tears to flow so much. So I let him listen to your programs. And a few days later, he came into the kitchen and said, I have a proclamation that I wrote. I like what that guy said about me being the boss of me. I Would like to be the boss of chores and the boss of my own homework. I want to do it in the order I like. This guy said, as long as I get them done, you shouldn't care how I do my homework or chores. Are you good with that? And I just nodded. And he proceeded to create this assembly line of sorts for his chores and homework in the basement. So at school, they do little stations for work, and he likes moving. So her son set up stations and in the basement for each class. And he would alternate doing homework and then a chore and a different snack at each station. And the mom said, it's hard to explain, but since then he has been what he calls the boss of me himself. And it's working. See, I love that. Definitely. Over the holiday break, let your kids listen to the programs. Let them listen to the one on seven sibling fights, all of them, and say, you guys get to be the boss of you. If you do it within my boundaries, you'll be surprised what stands out to them and how they use the new insight. Look, if you need help with anything, need help even financially, we've got a big sale on. But if you need help, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com he won't do any chores for me, but he'll help you. Okay? See how many of the strategies we talked about today that you can apply in your home with your kids. All right, thank you guys for working so hard at this. Love you all. Bye. Bye.