← Calm Parenting Podcast
Loading summary
Transcript7 lines
- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
Skylight Calendar Ad
Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H t c a l.com calm.
- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So how do you put out the fireworks in your home? And how do you help these kids who are sensory seekers? That's what we're going to discuss on today's I hope very action packed and brief episode of the Cal podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us@celebratecalm.com Listen, I'm going to try to keep this brief. It is 4th of July in America. This is when we celebrate our strong willed colony rebelling against the authority figure almost 250 years ago. And then we wonder why we have so many strong willed kids. By the way, Australia love our Australian friends. We get so many orders from Australia and what that means is you have a lot of strong willed kids over there. So we're kind of kindred spirits that way. So let's jump into this. I want to give you seven do's and don'ts for putting out the emotional fire in your home. And then I'm going to add a little section on sensory issues. I think you're going to find this really, really helpful. So here's the thing. Meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They are. So do you have a plan to put out the emotional fire? I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting it's just going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless but it doesn't have to be this way. So I want to give you seven quick things that we learned over the course of a decade. We had 1500 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum, neurodivergent kids in our home. So we had plenty of time to practice what to do and what not to do. Number one, look, you already know these things, but let's just roll through them. Number one, do not react. If you react to your child. You have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons. And that creates a lot of instability because they're not supposed to be in control. And if you react by getting upset yourself, you're actually pouring fuel on the fire. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can help you see that will build trust. That will begin to take away a lot of that intensity in your home when you can stop reacting and put out that. That fire. Number two, do not give eye contact. I know everything you hear is like, get down. Look your kids in the eyes and reassure them that everything's going to be okay. It usually works. Backfires on you when you do that. For a couple reasons. One, you've heard me say, I don't like. That really sweet, reassuring tone actually creates more instability. It doesn't sound confident, and it sounds like they should be upset. The other reason is this. When kids start to act out and they react and they throw things and they yell things, they immediately know it's wrong and they get embarrassed. And that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes, reinforcing the shame. And that inflames the situation more. Nobody wants to be looked at when they're melting down or out of control, whether they're 4 or 44. So I don't give eye contact when kids are melting down. And in negative times, I save my eye contact for when kids make really good choices. Then eye contact. Hey, really good choice there. Remember I told you that? Short and sweet with a praise. Hey, really good choice. Love how you walked away from your brother. Hey, really like how you handle that fist bump. Shows me you're growing up. Short and sweet. Good eye contact. But when they're upset, that's why you'll hear me saying, hey, I can tell you're frustrated. If you want to grab the football, I'll grab you. I'll meet you Outside and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Hey, if you want to dump the Legos out, I'll help you build a spaceship. Hey, I forgot something at the store. If you want to meet me in the car in three minutes, we'll drive up there and grab a snack on the way back. Walking, driving next to each other, building with something, coloring. You're not staring them in the eyes. Number three, do not try to reason with your child. It won't work. Asking your child to use their words. Right? Use your words, honey. Right. You know what they're going to use? They're going to use some words that are really inappropriate. It's fruitless because you cannot process language when you're upset. So we also don't want to dismiss their concerns. Right, because you don't like it when your spouse says, oh, it's no big deal, there's no reason to be upset. You're just overreacting. Yeah, I didn't think you liked that. So don't do that. I know some of you do timeouts. There's nothing wrong with it. Except it usually doesn't work. Because good luck trying to make a strong willed child just sit still in a chair. Care. And because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes you more angry. Think about it. We do that at school. Sometimes they do that. Well, let's fill out your this think sheet and you can think through why you made that choice. And the child's going to get more angry because you can't really just think through being calm. That's why we like the idea of motion changes emotion, of giving your kids actual physical action steps to do to calm them down. Number four, kind of related to this. Do not talk a lot. Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more upset your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered, the anxiety and uncertainty in your voice actually makes the situation more uncertain, stable. And all of that talking, I can't process it. I don't know what to do. That's why we're always like, hey, let's identify your emotions and here's what the kids are thinking. I already know what my emotions are. What I need help with is someone to teach me what to do with that frustration and that disappointment. Endless talking doesn't help. And by the way, it doesn't usually work in therapy either. So that's why I prefer taking action steps. If you go through our programs, I have action steps. It's not just thinking and journaling. We do think. Think about things and reflect. But then there's always action steps because that's how you break patterns and that's how you calm kids down. Number five, do not give consequences while your child is still upset. So you have to de escalate before you discipline because we'll do that. You know, if you don't stop this meltdown right now, I'm going to take away all your video games. Well, now they're going to go to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing. Now you've taken everything away. What's left? I might as well burn it to the ground. So that's why I like leading your child to a calm place. I lead them to that. See, once they're calm and I'm calm, then we can discipline. But you know what's even better than consequences? Teaching your child how to handle frustration better. Next time. I'd rather do a lot more proactive teaching than just saying, hey, you better stop that or else. Number six, do sit down, lie down or do something goofy or funny. Use an even non emotional tone that says everything's okay. I'm in control of myself. I've got this under control. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself even though your child isn't. And this is very settling to kids. The sitting down thing. Look, it's very simple. And I know people. I've been doing this for 25 years. Oh, that's so simplistic. Yeah. You know why? Because it works. And because every single human being on the planet in any situation I can sit down. But learning remembering 15 different calming strategies, I don't always know. But when I sit down, it changes my tone of voice, it changes my perspective, and it tends to lead kids to a different place. The lying down thing, man, I used to do that a lot with these kids. I just lie down in the middle of the floor and they'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like not reacting to you, but I can tell you're upset. Why don't you lie down? Well, color, I love coloring with kids. Look, you get a, you get a teenager who will sit down and color with you. It's almost impossible to yell while you're coloring. So do sit down. Do use that even matter of fact tone. Number seven, do use intensity and give your child a job to do a mission. You hear this phrase all the time in our audio programs. Motion changes emotion. Movement helps a child process disappointment and frustration. So get them moving and doing a specific physical activity. And you know, I like that intensity, Max. I'd be frustrated too, if that happened to me. You know what I like to do when I get frustrated? Then you lead your child in an intense physical activity, or you give your child a challenge, but you can't climb that. Go through your obstacle course terror. This for me in less than 48 seconds. But you can't move that bag of topsoil, shovel that mulch. See, physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climber, so climbing a tree, rock climbing wall, Some of you have those in the basement. Really, really effective. The intensity lets the child know you're taking this situation seriously. Giving a child a specific mission or job to do that he or she is good at doing will help your child feel like they're in control of something. See, when I give them a job, right. Oh, man, I really, I forgot. I really need some help carrying this outside. It's heavy, but I, you know, I bet you're strong enough to do it. And so with older kids, I ask them to do something grown up with you or for you because it makes them feel important, competent, needed, like an adult. Cooking, mixing ingredients. And by the way, all of these things are really good for your sensory kids. Cooking, mixing ingredients, shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space, all help a child create order in his or her body and brain. So let me wrap this up and then I'll do the sensory stuff. So this summer, practice a calming routine, right? We practice vocabulary words, we practice math facts. So why not have five or six calming routines already planned out ahead of time? You have a fire drill at school so the kids know exactly what to do when the fire alarm goes off. So have a plan for emotional fires when they inevitably happen. Have a predetermined plan and options when your child does get upset. Oh, I forgot. We hit X in the backyard. I wanted to see if you could find it. You know what? The broom in the basement broke. You know what, could you find some duct tape and fix that for me? Just try that. So Mrs. Kong told me yesterday, I.
- [12:10]
AG1 User
Wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the morning provides some consistency. I really crave. And that's one reason I love my AG1.
- [12:25]
Kirk Martin
It's an easy, healthy daily routine.
- [12:28]
AG1 User
No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up, and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drinkag1.com Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win. When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15 off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM. Fast growingtrees.com calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.
- [14:39]
Kirk Martin
Okay, so let me do this very It'd be pretty quick. I'm really trying to do this quickly. So three kind of things that are happening in your child's brain. We've been through two of these already in the past couple months. The kids with the busy brains and neurotransmitters in the brain not connecting. So you have kids with busy brains. So chaos and disorder, executive function issues, trouble with short term memory. It's why they're controlling and bossy. It's why you can't play games with them. They're going to cheat, change the rules of the game and quit. It's why they collect little acorns and stones in their pockets because it's something they can control. It's why transitions are hard and it's where anxiety comes from. Second thing happening in the brain for some of Your kids, they don't get enough dopamine to the brain. The brain is physiologically understimulated. So that's why they fidget. Tap. That's why they hum sometimes. Why do they argue? Pure brain stimulation. That's why they push your buttons. That's why they fight with siblings sometimes. Procrastination, doing things the hard way. It all, all those things stimulate the brain. And then the third thing is many of you have kids who have some sensory processing needs. So it can be, they are hypersensitive, so things are too loud and that's where the fireworks come into play. So some of your kids, look, they're just not going to do it. It's going to be really hard for them. Or you give them noise canceling headphones. I used to teach kids when noises bothered them, I teach them how to take their fist and kind of just pound on their thighs in a rhythmic motion. Because sometimes the rhythmic motion and the sensory pounding against their thighs countered all the dissonant noise, discordant noise and all the chaos. It's a really interesting thing. Some of your kids. Look, when I used to do a lot of work in the schools and with parents who had kids struggling with school, I'd hear this thing of like, oh yeah, your child's really distracted, has trouble focusing. And I'd be like, well, what time of day? One, the afternoon. And you know what? Sometimes we found it was because they wouldn't use the bathroom. Because in some schools, those toilets, when you flush them, they sound like tornadoes and they're just too loud and they hurt your kids ears. Or it could be some kids won't go to the bathroom because in the bathroom, that's where our kids often get picked on. Because sometimes our kids are the loners and the easy ones to get picked on. And some of our kids just plain have, I don't know any other way to say it, pee anxiety. They don't want to pull down their pants because then their thing's hanging out and other kids may like make fun of it. So guess what they do? Hold it all afternoon. So guess what? They don't have focus issues. They just had to pee. And so the way I found this out is I would start asking parents questions because I like being curious and I'd find, oh, when they got home, these kids went right to straight to the bathroom. So you find out a lot of times when you're curious and look for patterns, the outward behavior isn't usually the real issue. Something else is going on. So more Hypersensitive stuff. These kids are often smell freaks. Our son was like this. He just everything. To this day, he smells everything. They're hypersensitive to it. And that's why I like doing homework sometimes while you're cooking dinner, because that can be. It can stimulate your brain. That's partly why we do work at a coffee shop. It's not just the caffeine. It's the aroma. The olfactory senses are stimulated. Stimulated and helps them learn. That's why lighting a candle sometimes, I used to, when our son was young, I would put a little bit of ED shaving gel right under his nose. And it was two things. One, it was kind of comforting because it reminded him of me. And then also he could smell that all day long. And it just. He liked that. Some of your kids are very sensory with foods, and it's going to drive you crazy and you're going to be like, but they eat the same foods all the time. Look, I'll give you my old guy wisdom. Chill with that. I know, but they need to learn to eat different things. No, they don't. Not right now. Don't create so much drama and so much intensity and tension around eating food. Just model it. You eat healthy, eventually they will. But don't get all upset because they only eat five different foods. So do I. I'm 58. I eat really healthy, but I eat the same foods all the time. I have eaten a spinach salad with goat cheese and pistachios and olive oil since last November. That's almost. What's that, like, eight months now in a row? Just about every day. Why? I like it. It's consistent. I don't have to think about all kinds of other things. Does that drive my family crazy? Of course. But I'm a grown man and I like it. So relax with some of that. So you're going to find busy places, crowds, a lot of chaos. They're going to become very tentative. I'm 58. I try to avoid big crowds. I just don't like it. And so when I'm there, I give myself a mission, something to focus on. So give your kids mission, something to can get their brains focused on, something so they're not overwhelmed by everything. Now, here's the other part. Some of your kids are also hyposensitive. So what they're looking for is physical pressure, usually on their joints. Their body is literally screaming for this pressure. It's settling for their bodies. It is settling, I think, in their brains. I am very much like this. This is why some of your kids, if you allow them to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor, in the closet, Some of your kids want to sleep between the box spring and the mattress. Some of your kids want to sleep between the bed and the wall. Let them do it. Pile stuff on them. That sensory pressure feels really good. I would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. You can get these brushes that you can roll them with. You can get little, you can do all kinds of things. You can start with a back rub, just squeezing them. For some kids, man, that is a great way to start the day. They are, look, if you have little sensory kids and they show up in first, second, third grade, kindergarten, pre K, and they walk in the room and they see three or four boys in the back of the room, guess what they're thinking, Rumble. And so the teacher's going to say, well, your child is aggressive. Well, that's what the outward behavior looks like. But they're just seeking sensory pressure. And they're little kids. So the first way they figure out to do it is just to wrestle with other kids. Now when we were kids, we got to do a lot of that. Think about that. When we were kids, we did a lot of horseplay. We played in streams. My friends and I played a game called kill the guy with the ball. So you threw a, kicked a football up in there, one guy caught it, and then four or five of us would just jump on that guy and tackle him. You know how much sensory pressure we were getting back then? We were falling down, we were walking on uneven surfaces all the time that met those sensory needs. But our kids don't get that as much. So in school, I'm going to have them move heavy, but books, I'm going to have them do chair push ups. If you go through the ADHD university program, it's within the package. I go through all of this in great detail. Here's also for your kids. Martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, shoveling mulch, doing yard work, really good for them. You've heard me tell the story about when kids were at our house and I had a one word code word when they got upset. Sofa. And their job was to go in the living room, take the cushions off the sofa, lie on the hard part of the sofa. I would put the cushions on top of them and I would sit down on top of the cushions. It was instantly calming. Three reasons it was weird, no eye contact and physical pressure. Obstacle courses. I love having an obstacle course in your backyard or your basement. For little kids and even older kids, when they're upset or just early in the morning, hide their food, make them crawl, go under things, over things, around things, climb, pull, push. All those things are really help. And look up an occupational therapist. They're always positive, helpful people. Okay, I was trying to do this short. If you need some help, find us@celebratecalm.com again. Work this on the summer. Work on yourself. Work through all these issues, Work through our programs so when the school year comes back around, you are ready for it. So happy birthday, America. Thank you to our Australian friends and friends all around the world who are reaching out to us. We love you all, and if we can help you in any way, just let us know. Bye.