7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483 - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: 7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: May 28, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves deep into the intricate relationship between parental anxiety and challenging child behaviors. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children facing various behavioral and developmental challenges, Kirk provides actionable strategies to transform parent-child dynamics by addressing the root cause: parental anxiety.

The Root of Power Struggles: Parental Anxiety

Kirk begins by asserting that the biggest enemy in parenting isn't the children, society, or even schools—it's the parents' own anxiety and control issues. He emphasizes that these internal struggles are the primary drivers behind power struggles, yelling, and defiance in children.

Kirk Martin [17:00]: "After 25 years of doing this, I believe 100% that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety and our control issues, our reactivity."

Kirk's Personal Struggles and Insights

Kirk shares his personal battle with anxiety stemming from childhood trauma and a hyper-vigilant upbringing. He explains how his own anxious tendencies affected his behavior and relationships, leading to short tempers and a controlling nature. Recognizing these patterns was pivotal in his journey toward calmer and more effective parenting.

Kirk Martin [18:30]: "I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up, wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom. That’s part of it."

The 30 Days to Calm Program

Kirk introduces "30 Days to Calm," a comprehensive program designed to help parents identify and break negative response patterns. This program includes 10 concrete action steps, with today's focus on the first step: controlling personal and parental anxiety.

Kirk Martin [19:10]: "In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns."

Seven Action Steps to Manage Anxiety and Improve Parenting

1. Control Your Own Personal and Parental Anxiety

Kirk emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and managing personal anxiety. He discusses techniques such as daily affirmations, physical exercise, and intentional practices to ground oneself. By controlling their own anxiety, parents can create a calmer environment, reducing the likelihood of power struggles.

Kirk Martin [20:15]: "Our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything."

2. Address It with Your Child if Appropriate

Kirk advises parents to openly acknowledge their anxious patterns with their children. By apologizing for behaviors like lecturing or micromanaging, parents can validate their children’s feelings and foster mutual understanding.

Kirk Martin [25:00]: "Hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours."

3. The Best Apology is Changing Your Behavior

Kirk stresses that actions speak louder than words. Instead of prolonging apologies, parents should demonstrate change by affirming their children’s positive actions and strengths.

Kirk Martin [28:30]: "The best apology is actually changing your behavior. For the next week, affirm your kids for what they are already doing."

4. Use the Phrase “I Believe You’re Capable”

Introducing the empowering phrase “I believe you're capable” can significantly boost a child’s confidence and autonomy. Kirk recommends incorporating this affirmation into daily interactions to reinforce trust and capability.

Kirk Martin [35:10]: "Use this phrase a lot: 'I believe you're capable.' It begins when they're young and builds over time."

5. Pause Before Lecturing or Micromanaging

Kirk advises parents to take a moment before reacting. By pausing and focusing on something within their control, parents can prevent immediate, anxiety-driven responses and choose more constructive actions.

Kirk Martin [40:00]: "Every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, sit down. Just sit."

6. Positive Affirmations About Child’s Future

Highlighting a child’s strengths and potential can reshape both the parent’s perspective and the child’s self-image. Kirk shares personal anecdotes demonstrating how recognizing non-academic or unconventional strengths fosters a more positive relationship.

Kirk Martin [45:20]: "I told Casey, 'You are goal oriented, driven, persistent, and a leader.' It changed how I viewed him and alleviated my anxiety."

7. Perspective on Strong-Willed Kids

Kirk encourages parents to reframe their view of strong-willed children. These kids often excel in adult-like responsibilities and possess traits that are highly valued in the real world. By recognizing and nurturing these strengths, parents can support their children’s growth into responsible adults.

Kirk Martin [50:00]: "Your strong willed kids are often just not very good at the kid world, but they are great in the adult world."

Practicing Imperfection

As an additional goal, Kirk advocates for embracing imperfection. By intentionally allowing small imperfections, parents can model resilience and reduce the pressure for perfection within the household. This practice not only alleviates parents' anxiety but also teaches children to accept and manage imperfections gracefully.

Kirk Martin [55:10]: "You must begin to practice imperfection daily. Do everything with excellence, but do small things imperfectly on purpose."

Conclusion and Encouragement

Kirk wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to embark on this transformative journey. By implementing these strategies, parents can significantly reduce their own anxiety, foster healthier relationships, and create a more harmonious home environment. He reaffirms his belief in the parents’ capability to effect meaningful change.

Kirk Martin [60:00]: "The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So just change yourself. You can do this."

Kirk also promotes further resources, including the "Strong Will Child" program and other tools available through Celebrate Calm, advocating for a comprehensive approach to parenting that prioritizes self-awareness and intentional change.

Key Takeaways:

Parental anxiety is the root cause of many power struggles and negative behaviors in children.
Self-awareness and self-regulation are crucial for effective parenting.
Affirmations and positive reinforcement can transform parent-child relationships.
Embracing imperfection fosters a healthier and more resilient family dynamic.
Proactive strategies from programs like "30 Days to Calm" can lead to lasting positive changes.

By addressing their own anxiety and adopting these seven actionable steps, parents can create a more peaceful and supportive environment, leading to happier and more cooperative children.

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

We have a nephew who's really bright but he struggles in a couple classes and I asked him why he enjoys using IXL so much and he said with IXL he can learn his own speed and do it independently. You know our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands and he said IXL makes me feel smart again. I encourage you to check out ixl.com kirk to learn how IEXCEL can enrich your homeschool curriculum From K to 12, or just help any of your kids who are struggling in a couple classes. IEXCEL gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off in an IXL membership when you sign up today at iexcel.com Kirk Visit iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. No one really understands how many details moms and dads have to manage every single day. That mental load can be exhausting. With Skylight Calendar you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place with different colors for each family member. That brings peace of mind knowing there will be no more last minute surprises that trigger your kids. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all of your calendars. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with with the free Skylight app. That means less stress, no more worrying about forgetting something important and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund no questions asked. Moms get this for yourself for Mother's Day. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcow.com Calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S K-Y-L-I G H T C A L.com calm do you ever wonder why your kids fight you so much, even over little things? Have you ever noticed that the more you care about something, the less your kids do and the more they resist? Have you noticed that you cannot push these strong willed kids? You must lead them and draw them. Have you noticed they often reject what you want first until they can touch the hot stove and own it themselves? Ever notice the more you try to get them to move, the slower they go in the morning. Your anxious voice, come on, get up, gotta go. School, school, school, let's go. Will cause them to dive under the sheets. They are not rejecting you. They. They are rejecting your parental anxiety. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us@celebratecalm.com or on Instagram and TikTok at Calm Parenting Podcast. So after 25 years of doing this, I believe 100% that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety and our control issues, our reactivity. Those are the three things I struggled with most. But when I finally learned how to control them, the power struggles dissipated. I was able to de escalate situations more quickly and effectively. I could slow my world down inside to problem solve. And all my relationships improved and including my relationship with myself. And the good news is we can only control one thing in life. Ourselves. In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns. In this podcast, I'm going to focus solely on the very first step because it will change your home quickly if you put some energy into this over the summer. Now, if you have our get everything package and have if you haven't done so yet, then use this as an opportunity. Go through the 30 days to calm workbook and challenge. Be honest and compassionate with yourself as you go through this. You are breaking deeply ingrained response patterns that affect just about everything you do in life. So step number one, control your own personal and parental anxiety. There are two parts to this anxiety in my experience. Now I personally struggle with my own anxiety. I of feeling like, when is the other shoe going to drop? Even though things are going well, it lives in my stomach. It occasionally causes this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating, but it is aggravating and it does upset my stomach at times. I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. Now, we covered childhood trauma a bit back in February. I. I don't use this as an excuse. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up, wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically when I'd hear my mom's screeches. The outburst and anger came from nowhere and out of the blue. So I Think that's part of it? I couldn't predict it. Plus, I just don't like little unknowns and new experiences. So my first automatic response to being asked to do anything new is almost always no. And many of your kids exhibit that same reflexive no. They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And if I'm anxious and on edge, it can cause me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much because I'm trying to control my own anxiety and everything else. So I'm looking too inward so I'm not present with my loved ones. It can cause me to be controlling. And I know that when I'm feeling sick physically, I get very particular about things around the house, and I want everything just so I can become very picky. That's because when I get the sense that my body is out of order, so to speak, I try to create order outwardly, usually at the expense of relationships. And that's not cool. So knowing that you're like that, good, okay, now I can deal with that. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything. And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my anxiety, everyone around me benefits. So I normalize the anxiety instead of denying it or feeling guilty about it, it just is. It's normal. So I deal with it. I set aside even two minutes in the morning to reflect and go through my daily affirmations because that grounds me. The daily affirmations include gratitude, a recognition that everything doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture, everything's okay, that I don't have to control people or things. This is where personal faith comes into play to provide perspective and reassurance. Physical exercise and fresh air are key for me. Having a physical goal. Pushing myself a bit can work off some of that. Ick. And if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice I hike a lot, and it's the best therapy ever. So figure out what works for you. I also like to do the opposite of what my anxiety is compelling me to do. So next time you're in a rush, purposefully allow one person to cut in front of you. At the grocery store, the post office, in traffic, when you're feeling really tight financially, even give a small amount of money to another person who needs releases something inside of you and gives you a sense of power back. Now the anxiety that attacks almost every parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future. Every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful and happy. But your anxiety never, ever helps or works. In fact, anxiety causes the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. You've seen this when you begin the morning rushing your kids. They can hear it in your voice, and that's why they dive back under the sheets when you say, move, move, get to the car. Instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you and I are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. They are not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you and discount what you say. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you when you react to them pushing your buttons. They are now in control of you. The truth is that you and I create so many power struggles over issues that don't matter, all because of our own anxiety. When you lecture, it sends this message to your kids. I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't actually do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me. You are saying this with your lectures. I don't really believe you can be successful. So I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions. Because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to harp on you over and over again. So, no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy. Because if you don't turn out well, then I will have been a failure. And I can't live with that. You're also saying this, by the way. There's no blame and guilt in this, right? It's just what we. It's what we do. And I want to point it out so we can say, oh, I need to change that. We're also saying this. The problem isn't really yours, it's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be, and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect. But I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so, because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Now, if you have a strong willed child, they're likely not going to live up to your expectations. They may do the bare minimum to get by, they may appear selfish, they don't try their hardest, they fight you over everything. And they make even easy things difficult. Your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized and unmotivated. So your natural response is to project into the future and think, how is this child ever going to be successful? Who is going to marry this child? Who is going to hire this child? Right? Have you ever thought that? Of course you have. And this can begin early in preschool when your child can't sit still in circle time, it will flare up when you notice that your middle schooler sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games. This is all normal. But if not checked, your parental anxiety can have devastating effects. Because our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses and negative traits, we lecture and micromanage. If you would just apply yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. Recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything, only the things you care about. That's the way it's supposed to work. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about. And I promise you, once you step back and give them space, they will step up. But not if you are micromanaging them and being responsible for them. Because this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. What they know is they can never satisfy the our parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. This focus, constant, relentless focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles and a kid who's not confident. And it will ultimately destroy the relationship. Not to mention it won't motivate your kids. Okay, so let's reverse this. Now here are seven action steps that are doable. So let's begin these. Usually every spring I get stuffy and congested from allergies, but it didn't happen this year. And the only thing that's different is that we've had our Air Doctor air purifier running. You can breathe easy with Air Doctor, the award winning air purifier that eliminates 99.99% of dangerous contaminants so your lungs don't have to. This includes allergens, viruses, smoke, gases, mold, spores and more. Unlike other purifiers, Air Doctor captures invisible particles 100 times smaller than standard HEPA filters. Air Doctor was voted best Air Purifier by Newsweek, so it's no surprise that 98% of Air Doctor customers, including us, agree. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code CALM to get up to $300 off today. AirDoctor comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a three year warranty, an $84 value for free. Get this exclusive podcast only offer now@airdoctorpro.com.