Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: 7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: May 28, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves deep into the intricate relationship between parental anxiety and challenging child behaviors. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children facing various behavioral and developmental challenges, Kirk provides actionable strategies to transform parent-child dynamics by addressing the root cause: parental anxiety.

The Root of Power Struggles: Parental Anxiety

Kirk begins by asserting that the biggest enemy in parenting isn't the children, society, or even schools—it's the parents' own anxiety and control issues. He emphasizes that these internal struggles are the primary drivers behind power struggles, yelling, and defiance in children.

Kirk Martin [17:00]: "After 25 years of doing this, I believe 100% that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety and our control issues, our reactivity."

Kirk's Personal Struggles and Insights

Kirk shares his personal battle with anxiety stemming from childhood trauma and a hyper-vigilant upbringing. He explains how his own anxious tendencies affected his behavior and relationships, leading to short tempers and a controlling nature. Recognizing these patterns was pivotal in his journey toward calmer and more effective parenting.

Kirk Martin [18:30]: "I was a really sensitive kid whose antenna was up, wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom. That’s part of it."

The 30 Days to Calm Program

Kirk introduces "30 Days to Calm," a comprehensive program designed to help parents identify and break negative response patterns. This program includes 10 concrete action steps, with today's focus on the first step: controlling personal and parental anxiety.

Kirk Martin [19:10]: "In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns."

Seven Action Steps to Manage Anxiety and Improve Parenting

1. Control Your Own Personal and Parental Anxiety

Kirk emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and managing personal anxiety. He discusses techniques such as daily affirmations, physical exercise, and intentional practices to ground oneself. By controlling their own anxiety, parents can create a calmer environment, reducing the likelihood of power struggles.

Kirk Martin [20:15]: "Our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything."

2. Address It with Your Child if Appropriate

Kirk advises parents to openly acknowledge their anxious patterns with their children. By apologizing for behaviors like lecturing or micromanaging, parents can validate their children’s feelings and foster mutual understanding.

Kirk Martin [25:00]: "Hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours."

3. The Best Apology is Changing Your Behavior

Kirk stresses that actions speak louder than words. Instead of prolonging apologies, parents should demonstrate change by affirming their children’s positive actions and strengths.

Kirk Martin [28:30]: "The best apology is actually changing your behavior. For the next week, affirm your kids for what they are already doing."

4. Use the Phrase “I Believe You’re Capable”

Introducing the empowering phrase “I believe you're capable” can significantly boost a child’s confidence and autonomy. Kirk recommends incorporating this affirmation into daily interactions to reinforce trust and capability.

Kirk Martin [35:10]: "Use this phrase a lot: 'I believe you're capable.' It begins when they're young and builds over time."

5. Pause Before Lecturing or Micromanaging

Kirk advises parents to take a moment before reacting. By pausing and focusing on something within their control, parents can prevent immediate, anxiety-driven responses and choose more constructive actions.

Kirk Martin [40:00]: "Every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, sit down. Just sit."

6. Positive Affirmations About Child’s Future

Highlighting a child’s strengths and potential can reshape both the parent’s perspective and the child’s self-image. Kirk shares personal anecdotes demonstrating how recognizing non-academic or unconventional strengths fosters a more positive relationship.

Kirk Martin [45:20]: "I told Casey, 'You are goal oriented, driven, persistent, and a leader.' It changed how I viewed him and alleviated my anxiety."

7. Perspective on Strong-Willed Kids

Kirk encourages parents to reframe their view of strong-willed children. These kids often excel in adult-like responsibilities and possess traits that are highly valued in the real world. By recognizing and nurturing these strengths, parents can support their children’s growth into responsible adults.

Kirk Martin [50:00]: "Your strong willed kids are often just not very good at the kid world, but they are great in the adult world."

Practicing Imperfection

As an additional goal, Kirk advocates for embracing imperfection. By intentionally allowing small imperfections, parents can model resilience and reduce the pressure for perfection within the household. This practice not only alleviates parents' anxiety but also teaches children to accept and manage imperfections gracefully.

Kirk Martin [55:10]: "You must begin to practice imperfection daily. Do everything with excellence, but do small things imperfectly on purpose."

Conclusion and Encouragement

Kirk wraps up the episode by encouraging parents to embark on this transformative journey. By implementing these strategies, parents can significantly reduce their own anxiety, foster healthier relationships, and create a more harmonious home environment. He reaffirms his belief in the parents’ capability to effect meaningful change.

Kirk Martin [60:00]: "The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So just change yourself. You can do this."

Kirk also promotes further resources, including the "Strong Will Child" program and other tools available through Celebrate Calm, advocating for a comprehensive approach to parenting that prioritizes self-awareness and intentional change.

Key Takeaways:

• Parental anxiety is the root cause of many power struggles and negative behaviors in children.
• Self-awareness and self-regulation are crucial for effective parenting.
• Affirmations and positive reinforcement can transform parent-child relationships.
• Embracing imperfection fosters a healthier and more resilient family dynamic.
• Proactive strategies from programs like "30 Days to Calm" can lead to lasting positive changes.

By addressing their own anxiety and adopting these seven actionable steps, parents can create a more peaceful and supportive environment, leading to happier and more cooperative children.