Calm Parenting Podcast
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode #522: “A Different Way to Use Consequences (From Toddlers to Teens)”
Date: September 28, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin explores how traditional use of consequences often fails with strong-willed children and presents a refreshingly practical and relationship-focused approach. Drawing from years of experience with challenging kids—including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD—and real-life stories from his own family, Kirk offers alternative discipline strategies that focus on teaching, modeling, and providing kids with tools to own their behavior. The episode challenges conventional wisdom about discipline and gives concrete, actionable tactics for parents looking to break the cycle of power struggles, yelling, and ineffective punishments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why Traditional Consequences Fail with Strong-Willed Kids

• Consequences are limited in changing behavior:
  • “Consequences merely let the child know, hey, that was wrong, you messed up. But your kids already know they messed up.” (09:01)
  • Kids often lie to avoid punishment because they know what they did was wrong, but need help making better choices.
• Strong-willed kids value autonomy and agency:
  • “Strong-willed kids don’t care about losing things… What they value most is autonomy, independence, and agency.” (13:27)
  • Taking things away isn't effective; what matters is their independence.
• Behavior is driven by emotion, not reason:
  • “Most human behavior, good and bad, is not rational. It is driven by something emotional underneath the surface.” (10:55)
  • Real change occurs when parents recognize and address what's truly motivating a behavior.

Discipline as Teaching, Not Punishing

• Redefining discipline:
  • “Discipline is not something you do to your child. Discipline is something you do for your child.” (08:02)
  • Lessons should ideally bring parents and children closer, building trust rather than resentment.
• Natural consequences vs. imposed ones:
  • Kirk explains that outcomes that naturally flow from choices (“if you speed, you lose your license”) are more constructive than arbitrary punishments.
  • “Instead of enforcing consequences… just keep your promises.” (38:00)

Practical Alternatives to Traditional Consequences

• Role Play: Rewind and Replay
  • Instead of punishing, have the child act out the right way:
    • “One of my favorite ways to discipline… is to play rewind and replay when they make a bad choice.” (18:57)
    • Parents should model this too to reinforce learning and humility.
• Missions and Challenges
  • Harness the child’s energy:
    • “Instead of, ‘Hey, no jumping on the sofa,’ say, ‘Love your energy! But here’s what I could use your help doing… Bet you can’t do it backwards or blindfolded!’” (17:41)
    • This reframing channels energy into success and connection.

Examples of Constructive Consequences

• Natural Outcomes

  • Spilling bath water = clean up the mess (26:40)
  • Coming home late = lose license/keys without drama (50:20)

• Making Service the Consequence

  • Disrespect a teacher: stay after school and help them organize (46:00)
  • Swearing: “Since you’re using adult words, you get to do adult chores.” (44:27)
  • Mean to sibling: serve them by doing their chore (47:55)

• Ownership and Choice Language

  • Shift from “I’m going to take X away” to “If you do X, you will have chosen this outcome.”
    • “I promise you that every minute you take from me, you will choose to forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time at night. Choice is up to you.” (41:36)
  • Promotes the idea that the child is in control of their actions and the outcome.

• Refusing Services When Disrespected

  • “The next few times your child asks you to take them somewhere or do something for them, just simply refuse. Hey, that’s just not how life works.” (43:15)
  • Only help after genuine humility and apology.

Real Parent Story/Success

• A mom describes abandoning consequences, points, and rewards for Kirk’s approach:
  • “We started game planning different situations… We give him the big picture, make it more challenging, and let him figure out his own way. Now 95% of the time, he chooses some more difficult way and likes the accomplishment.” (53:25)
  • The result is less struggle, more affirmation, and transformation for the whole family.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Why Consequences Fail:

  • “You can’t consequence a kid into caring about school. What will get your daughter to work harder is if we spark that internal motivation.” – Kirk Martin (15:45)

• On Power Struggles:

  • “They do not mind touching the hot stove… Consequences are not a deterrent. They’re actually a part of the process of learning for them.” – Kirk Martin (13:36)

• On Language Shift:

  • “What I want to do is shift the responsibility to the child. It says, ‘Hey, you control your behavior and the outcome—that’s within your control.’” – Kirk Martin (38:30)

• On ‘Rewind and Replay’:

  • “If you want to take this to the next level, you and your spouse do the rewind and replay when you yell, lecture or lose your cool.” – Kirk Martin (19:38)

• On Service as Discipline:

  • “When Casey humbled himself, then I would take him places. It’s really hard at first because they’ll be angry and indignant, but you teach that life principle.” – Kirk Martin (43:37)
  • “When possible, consider doing these tasks with your child so they’re not isolated and you can bond together.” (49:25)

• On Changing the Family Dynamic:

  • “Now 95% of the time, he chooses some more difficult way… Our time is now spent affirming him and encouraging problem-solving abilities.” – Parent testimonial (54:07)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 08:02 – Redefining discipline as teaching, not punishment
• 10:55 – Why behavior is driven by emotion, not reason
• 13:27 – Explaining what motivates strong-willed kids
• 15:45 – Internal motivation over imposed consequences
• 17:41 – Redirecting energy: missions instead of ‘No’
• 18:57 – The ‘rewind and replay’ technique
• 26:40 – Examples of natural consequences for young kids
• 38:00 – Shifting language: promises and ownership over threats
• 41:36 – The time lesson: every minute late costs screen time
• 43:15 – Refusing service as a consequence for disrespect
• 44:27 – Adult words = adult responsibilities
• 46:00 – Disrespect to teacher: service & connection
• 49:25 – Doing consequences together for bonding
• 53:25 – Real parent testimonial on transformation

Takeaway Message

Kirk Martin challenges parents to rethink discipline, advocating for proactive strategies that foster agency, responsibility, and connection. By replacing punitive consequences with modeling, natural outcomes, positive affirmation, and collaborative problem-solving, parents can transform their homes and raise confident, self-motivated children. The episode blends heartfelt encouragement, practical tactics, and plenty of humor, inviting parents to experiment with new ways of helping strong-willed kids thrive.

For resources and support:
Visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com