A Grumbling, Growling Child: 3 Ideas For Defiance & Complaining

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: A Grumbling, Growling Child: 3 Ideas For Defiance & Complaining
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: December 4, 2022

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Introduction and Context

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into strategies for managing strong-willed children who frequently display defiance and constant complaining. Drawing from his extensive experience with challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical, actionable advice aimed at fostering mutual respect and understanding within the family dynamic.

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Understanding Defiant Behavior: Root Causes

Kirk Martin begins by addressing a common concern among parents: dealing with children who grumble, growl, and exhibit disrespectful behavior. He emphasizes that such outward manifestations are often symptoms of underlying internal struggles.

“The disrespect, that tone are outward manifestations of something else going on inside. And that's what we need to address.”
[02:10]

Kirk explains that many children who argue or act out feel a lack of control and internal frustration. This behavior is a way for them to stimulate their brains and manage their emotions, even if it appears negative on the surface.

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Strategies to Address Defiance and Complaining

Kirk outlines three key strategies to help parents navigate and mitigate defiant behavior in their children:

1. Assigning Special Missions and Responsibilities

Kirk suggests leveraging a child’s strengths by assigning them meaningful responsibilities that align with their capabilities. For example, a strong-willed older sibling may excel in adult-like tasks rather than typical child activities.

“Strong willed kids often do adult things really well. They don't often do kid things that well. So I often give them actually grown up adult responsibilities that she's good at doing.”
[06:23]

By doing so, parents can create opportunities for success and build the child’s confidence, shifting their focus from controlling others to fulfilling their roles effectively.

2. Using Positive Intensity and Validation

When a child becomes frustrated or exhibits growling behavior, Kirk advises parents to respond with positive intensity without taking the behavior personally. This involves acknowledging the child’s feelings and normalizing their emotions without excusing the behavior.

“I'm asking you to grow up to not take things personally. You're the grown adult. They're a child, right? Like, look, let's normalize some of this stuff.”
[07:34]

He emphasizes the importance of validating the child’s underlying emotions, which helps in diffusing tension and preventing power struggles.

3. Providing Control Through Activities and Challenges

Instead of reacting directly to defiance, Kirk recommends offering children structured activities or challenges that give them a sense of control and achievement. These tasks should be aligned with the child’s strengths and interests.

“Come up with three or four activities or missions or challenges your child can do in that moment that give her some sense of control, that make her feel successful, something she's good at, at doing.”
[15:25]

This approach not only redirects the child’s energy but also reinforces their abilities and fosters a sense of responsibility.

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Modeling Appropriate Behavior

Kirk underscores the importance of parents modeling the behavior they wish to see in their children. By demonstrating how to handle frustration constructively, parents set a powerful example for their children.

“When you get frustrated, when little things bother you, let them see you going and doing some push ups, doing something that brings you back to equilibrium and calm inside of you.”
[14:00]

He shares a personal anecdote about managing his own frustrations through physical activity, highlighting how this practice helps maintain calm and teaches children effective coping mechanisms.

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Conclusion and Takeaways

Kirk concludes the episode by reiterating the significance of addressing the root causes of defiant behavior rather than merely responding to the symptoms. By assigning meaningful responsibilities, validating emotions, providing structured control, and modeling calm behavior, parents can cultivate a respectful and harmonious family environment.

“Just drop and stop it. Stop reacting. So when she does begin to growl, just come by and whisper or say in a low voice with some intensity. I'd be really frustrated, too.”
[12:45]

Key Takeaways:

• Identify Root Causes: Understand that defiant behavior often stems from internal frustrations and a need for control.
• Assign Meaningful Roles: Leverage a child’s strengths by giving them responsibilities that build confidence and success.
• Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and normalize your child’s feelings without excusing the negative behavior.
• Provide Structured Control: Offer activities that give children a sense of achievement and control over their actions.
• Model Desired Behavior: Demonstrate calm and constructive ways to handle frustration, setting a positive example.

By implementing these strategies, parents can effectively reduce power struggles, foster mutual respect, and create a more peaceful household.

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Resources:

• Website: CelebrateCalm.com
• Contact: [e-mail]

Note: This summary excludes the podcast’s advertisements and promotional segments to focus solely on the content delivering parenting strategies and insights.

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

So you've got a child that like grumbles, even growls at you. They're just so disrespectful and at times even just nasty to so what do you do?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

We had a mom emailed in and asked about that and I was like, look, we can't put up with this. We need to let her know that that is not appropriate behavior and she needs to stop doing that. And so I wrote back and I'm like, look, I'm with you on the ultimate goal. You want a family that demonstrates mutual respect. We want to model to our kids and have them emulate selflessness toward others and all those things. Totally good with that. And so we can work on that. But realize the disrespect, that tone are outward manifestations of something else going on inside. And that's what we need to address.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So before we change outward behavior through consequences or punishment, I like to address the inner heart issues first. And this doesn't mean being soft and understanding everything, letting them get away? No, it doesn't mean that. But what I'm most interested in right now is this. What is at the root of your child? Arguing? Getting the last word, Being defiant? Being nasty? What's in there? Because most of the kids we work with feel like things are out of their control. They even feel out of control themselves and they don't always feel good inside. So they argue and cause chaos to stimulate their brains because sometimes that's how they feel. Connection in the deepest way, even even though it's negative. And so I asked, like, tell me a little bit more about your daughter. And so, see, it's really interesting when people, when you talk to people about things, it's always the initial negative outward. How can we stop this? And then once you peel back the layers a little bit, you find out, like, oh, there's something else going on. So in the interest of time, on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to give you three steps that I advise this mom to take. And I hope you can do that this week with your own child. And let's see how that works. Okay? So for those who don't know, my name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, you can find us celebratecalm.com I'm just going to say it once. Huge Christmas sale. Take advantage of it. You get tools for these kids, tools that will work when all that other stuff and all that expensive stuff that you've paid for with therapy has never worked. Because we get these kids and we know the things that work. And it's like 30 plus hours worth of instruction in very, very practical ways. So if you need help, reach out to Casey, our son. C A s e y celebratecalm.com you can ask him about how he was defiant when he was a little child and what it was really a little kid and what it was really about, and he'll help you out with it. So here are the three things that I talked to this mom about.

[Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because this was, you know, she gave me some good insight into, into the underlying frustration that her daughter felt on a consistent basis because this little girl has some perfectionist tendencies, just like her mom said she did when she was a child.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Well, if you have some perfectionist tendencies, it's, you know, when you feel physically off, some days you just don't feel well. Well, you walk around on edge and little things set you off. And that's why, let's little side note, a lot of our kids who have gut issues, or a lot of your kids will only eat, like simple carbs and things like that because they've got some gut issues or they've got anxiety, well, their stomach feels a little bit icky. Well, they walk around and they're a little bit on edge. And so you just have to look for the root of it. So just trying to change the outward behavior is only Going to result in more inward frustration and, and hostility. So let's experiment with this. Number one, let's give your daughter, your son a few special missions this week as the older sister in this situation. This was an older child who's bossy and wants to control the younger kids. Well, who doesn't?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Controlling other people is kind of fun.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

It's frustrating for them and for you. But still I get why we do it. Because if I don't feel in control of myself, well, I'm going to control other people. If I'm a little kid, I'm going to control the game, I'm going to change the rules of the game. I'm going to cheat. So you can't really play board games with them. They do all kinds of things in order to get some control out. So we're going to give her a few special missions this week as the older sister. Ways that she can have grown up responsibilities. Look, big insight. Strong willed kids often do adult things really well. They don't often do kid things that well. So I often give them actually grown up adult responsibilities that she's good at doing. And this falls under the category of we're going to create successes between now and the new year and then after new year. But I want you to create successes. Stop trying to fix stuff that's going wrong and start building on the stuff that is already good.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

In this sense, what we're doing is proactively, proactively trying to create successes by playing to your child's strengths.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That makes sense, doesn't it? And sort of like making the child your deputy, your special helper, giving them responsibilities.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Often do that. Like if one of the spouses travels for work and then there's just one alone and the other child is there and like dad or mom isn't at home, it's like, hey, when I'm gone, you're going to be the deputy helper. You're going to be in charge of X. Just give them a grown up responsibility and just see how they do with that. Number two, try using positive intensity when your child is getting frustrated. So this little girl will at times even growl and she just gets very, very difficult and that triggers parents. Look, I'll do the celebrate calm thing with you. I'll validate your feelings. You should feel frustrated, you should feel upset when your child growls at you. When they don't respond with yes ma'am, yes sir, totally get that. But I'm asking you to grow up to not take things personally. You're the grown adult. They're a child, right? Like, look, let's normalize some of this stuff. What do you expect, especially your strong willed child to say, mom, dad, look, I really wasn't having a good time doing what I was doing. I was hoping you would interrupt me and come tell me to do some chores and maybe do some extra homework so that I could show you and prove to you how responsible I am. Like, who says that right? Like, so I'm not excusing them growling and being defiant and huffing and puffing. I'm just saying it's normal. Don't take it personally.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

I'll give you a fun thing. May have done this on a previous podcast, but I'll just do it now. Anyway, so your teenage daughter changed all the passwords on her screens and so you just come in instead of creating drama, say, hey honey, totally get why you did that. Just want you to know by 3:00 this afternoon, all the passwords need to be reset or you lose the phone, router gets cut off, etc. And what I said in that podcast, I think, was I expect the daughter to say, oh, you guys are so annoying. My friend's parents don't make their kids do it. I don't know why you do. Of course she's going to say that. I'm not going to react to that. You know what? You know what, honey? You know, you should be grateful that you even have a phone when we were kids. There's no need for that. And a funny thing you can do at times, as long as you do it with a smile and not in a resentful ways. When your kids come and ask you for something or take them somewhere, do the same thing. Oh, you're so annoying. Always asking me to take you places and then just have a big smile if you're bitter about it. That's your issue and we'll talk about that another time. But this daughter makes things unpleasant. But look, I'm going to be. Let me just be blunt. It can only be unpleasant if you choose to allow it to become unpleasant. There can only be power struggles if two people choose to make it a power struggle. I choose not to make things power struggles with children. And I also choose not to make power struggles with grown adults over certain things. I have a choice in whether I enter into that power struggle or if I de escalate it, or if, as I do with many adults, I just don't say anything because I don't have to fix. It's not my job to fix everybody else. I have a hard enough time just fixing myself and that's what I should be focused on. What do I need to work on? Not what everybody else needs to work on. What do I need to work on? So Just drop and stop it. Stop reacting. So when she does begin to growl, just come by and whisper or say in a low voice with some intensity. I'd be really frustrated, too. And then just walk on by. Space is really important with the strong will. Kids. Have you heard me say that like 8,000 times, right? So I walk by. You know what? I'd be really frustrated, too. And then walk on by. You know why? Because you're identifying with the frustration. You're. You're validating it. At some point, you could even say, you know what? When I was a kid, I used to feel the same way, right? Little things not going right really bothered me. Or if you want to be honest with your kids, take out when I was a kid, right? You know what? Little things not going right really bother me now. It's frustrating because here's the really cool thing. If at some point you want to, you could also look, you're validating and you're making it normal. And now you're going to give her a solution to it. But you know what? You could say sometime, you know what I like about you? I like that quality in you because it means you care about doing a really good job. And that is a great quality to have, right? So stop. I'm encouraging you to stop reacting and start teaching. So she's grumbling because she is a perfectionist at times. And so coming alongside, oh, man, I'd be really frustrated, too. That's going to throw your child off. It's a really affirming thing to do. And you get to say, you know what? I know why you're like that. Because you care so much. Because you're conscientious about the kind of job that you're doing. And did you know that the number one quality necessary for success in life, conscientiousness. And you've got it. That's awesome, honey. It's just frustrating. Of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of time and effort into this and it doesn't go the right way. Of course you're frustrated. But then you can show her how to deal with that, right? So let's affirm what's underneath first before we deal with her outward reaction. And I'm asking you as parents to make peace with the growling and the grumbling for now. Just for now. Because what I really know deep down is if you get to the root of it, you're not going to have to deal with it the other way, right? So number three, when your daughter or your son is getting frustrated and upset. Instead of reacting to the outward manifestation, come up with three or four activities or missions or challenges your child can do in that moment that give her some sense of control, that make her feel successful, something she's good at, at doing.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Because now you're taking her from. I feel out of control and I'm really frustrated. I'm going to grumble and I don't know what to do with it. To oh, honey, you know what I was wondering? I was wondering if you could help me do X or I bet you couldn't do and give them more adult kind of thing to do something they're good at. Because when you do that, you are now building up their confidence to say, yeah, I know that's frustrating, but man, look, here's another one. I'll end with this. When you get frustrated, when little things bother you, let them see you going and doing some push ups, Doing something that brings you back to equilibrium and calm inside of you. You are modeling for them how to actually deal with frustration. It is the thing that I did when Casey was little, when I was starting to change and I would come home and say, oh man. So traffic was backed up, my boss was just all over me today. I am frustrated. Casey, would you do some push ups with me? And I get down on the ground, do pushups. And you know what I was doing? I was modeling for him. I get frustrated, I get PO'd. I have bad days. But instead of walking in yelling at you, slamming the door and grumbling, I do my pushups. Let's do that this week. Let's create successes. If we can help you with this, reach out to us. Caseyelebratecalm.com Take advantage of our Christmas sale. It is an awesome thing to have the tools as you begin the new year to be able to actually make these changes and make them stick and make them last long term. Love you all. You're good parents. This is a hard job. We appreciate you digging into this, we appreciate you sharing the podcast and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.