Transcript
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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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How many of you have kids who will react angrily or lash out when you correct them or even just remind them of something simple they have to do? Do you have a child who beats himself or herself up saying things like I'm so stupid. I know this can be painful to watch. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us in the final few days of our Black Friday sale in march@celebratecolm.com for new listeners. We did this because our audience has grown a lot since the holidays and we wanted you to have an opportunity to take advantage of our lowest prices on our downloadable programs. Plus, it's fun and it's our company. We do whatever we want. We decided it. We're just like your kids. So this podcast was prompted by a mom who said this and I'm sure many of you can relate. Hey, if I say hey bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today, you need to try to remember it next time. It will cause my son to pitch a 20 minute crying fit calling himself an idiot. Dude, dumb bad kid. I would never talk to him that way and listening to him do it to himself is painful. And I know this is hard and the mom didn't do anything wrong, but it just won't work with Our intense, highly sensitive kids. So let's dig into why this went downhill, what we can say and do differently next time, and some ways to use this to teach your kids new skills for the future. And I just want to say when I was working on this today, I had this feeling of like, oh, this is a good foundational one. This is a podcast I would share with other parents. Well, you can judge that later if you think it's as good as I think it's going to be. But I think it honestly could be very life changing for your kids and for your family. So it's important to get inside the head and the heart of our kids. And that can mean strong willed kids, neurodivergent adhd, asd, highly sensitive kids. These are kids who often feel like they're swimming upstream in life. They feel like everything is kind of stacked against them. They have a lot of energy, but they get in trouble if they can't sit still at school. Fidgeting actually helps them process information and think better, but they get in trouble for that. They get along better with little kids, animals and older people, but are forced to try to connect with the kids that they are least likely to get along with for the first 18 years of their life. They often feel left out. They're not naturally good at the kid world. So it feels like every look, it feels like everyone is trying to fix them or correct their behavior and it's unrelenting. So they begin internalizing that there is something wrong with them, with their very nature. And they do have some natural weaknesses. One of them is short term memory. They're often forgetful and disorganized. Now here's the hard part. School success is largely dependent on having good short term memory. Although life success is not right because in school you have to memorize and remember information for timed tests. Again, something you don't have to do later in life. And this short term memory struggles will impact reading comprehension. Sometimes too many characters with odd names in a book can get jumbled in their brains and they tend to have these really busy brains. They're kind of animated and energized by larger ideas, not little facts they don't care about. It kind of feels like socks tumbling in a dryer. And this creates anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, which is why they try to control situations and other people. We've been through this, why they put acorns in their pockets. It's why they sometimes cheat or change the rules of the game, because that guarantees or controls the outcome. Of the game because losing means I'm a loser. It's why transitions and changes in plans cause so much distress. So their number one job in life as a kid is what to do. Well in school. It's what all the adults care about. They get report cards. And yet success. And yet success is based on doing things they are not naturally good at doing. Sitting still in class, listening to someone talk about things they're not interested in, memorizing information for a timed test, writing about topics they find stupid. And it's made worse if they have dysgraphia or difficulty with fine motor skills. These are independent kids whose number one value is their own agency and independence. And success requires them to follow directions, to wait in line, to not talk, and 15 other things that they're just not good at doing. So sometimes their entire childhood feels like every adult is reminding them to do something they're not good at doing. So there's your backdrop. So when mom innocently and even thoughtfully kindfully added a simple reminder. Hey, you forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time. What she is saying is, hey, I don't want you to get to school and then be hungry at lunchtime because I love you. I'm not lecturing you. I'm not mad or angry at you. I just love you and want you to have your lunch today. That's what mom wants her son to hear. But this is what our kids feel inside. I know, I know I'm not good at this. And you just reminded me again that I stink at this and don't know how to get better at it. I beat myself up for this all the time. It's just one more reminder that there's something wrong with me, that I'm deficient less than others. And everyone is always watching me fail and reminding me of it. So that is why you get that reaction, that internal implosion. And I can understand that. Maybe you can as well. I feel that at times when I'm put in situations in which I feel helpless or overwhelmed and I want to scream, I'm not good at this. Why are you only focusing on the things that I'm not good at? And then watching me in my helplessness, it hurts. It's painful. Feels like way too much work to actually be good at certain things. Now here's one more analogy. Let's say you're a project manager, engineer, or kind of a left brain person, and every day your boss pops his or her head into your office and reminds you of Your lack of creativity. Hey, remember, I need you to be someone you're not and be good at things you'll never actually master. And by the way, your grade, or in this case, your performance review and paycheck are dependent on that. You'd feel defeated, you'd want to scream, but that's not my core competency. Why do you keep bringing that up? You knew when you hired me that wasn't my skill set. You'd want to quit and find a new job. But our kids are kind of stuck in this hopeless job for 12 years. So with that as the backdrop, how can we handle this differently? And again, there's no blame and no guilt. Moms and dads, you're doing the best you can. It's just that these kids are so different. Number one, to be clear, I would not say, hey, you need to try to remember it next time. That's what triggers the negative self talk. It's the embarrassment that comes along with it. Knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things. He already knows that, and this feels kind of like rubbing it in. Number two, normalize this, normalize that. He isn't good at remembering things like his lunchbox. And I love, love, love this language. Of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. Why would a boy your age even think about things you don't care about or that don't really matter to you? You should have your mind on other things, like video games, playing with your friends, eating junk from the pantry and leaving food wrappers laying around. Now I did that one. So you kind of say this with a smile. Normalize childhood. This is what boys and girls your kids age should do. And I think it's proper context. Sometimes we expect kids to act like mature 35 year olds. Look, we're adults. We get paid to care about stuff we don't care about. We have responsibilities for other people, spouse and kids. So we have to manage the details because that's called being responsible. But kids should have their heads in the cloud a bit, right? Wondering when they're going to get to play and skip rocks or eat ice cream or gorge on screens. I'm not saying you should let them do that, those things, but they should be thinking of those things. Teens and tweens are going to be consumed with friendships and distracted by thoughts of boys and girls because they've got hormones raging. And social media is not helping any of that. But here's the more important response I want to focus on. And I do think with the right context, this can be life changing for your kids.
