Calm Parenting Podcast Episode Summary: "A Life-Changing Script for Kids With Negative Self-Talk (Forgetful, ADHD) #459"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: March 18, 2025
Podcast Series: Calm Parenting Podcast by Celebrate Calm
Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com

Introduction

In episode #459 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the pervasive issue of negative self-talk among children, particularly those with neurodivergent conditions such as ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids and a global community of parents and teachers, Kirk provides actionable strategies to help children overcome destructive internal dialogues and build self-esteem.

Understanding the Struggle: The Child's Internal World

Kirk begins by addressing the emotional turmoil that children with strong personalities and neurodivergent traits often experience. He explains how these children perceive everyday interactions and reminders differently, leading to intense negative self-talk.

"When I say, 'Hey bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today,' he hears, 'I’m so stupid. I’m a bad kid,'"
[03:07]

The Backdrop of Challenges

Children with ADHD and similar conditions frequently struggle with short-term memory, organization, and anxiety. Kirk emphasizes that these challenges are not reflective of their intelligence or potential but are inherent aspects of their neurodivergent nature.

• Short-Term Memory and Organization: These children often forget tasks and lose track of details, which can severely impact their academic performance and self-esteem.

• Anxiety and Control: The uncertainty and constant demands from adults can lead to heightened anxiety, prompting behaviors aimed at regaining control over their environment.

"School success is largely dependent on having good short term memory. Although life success is not, because in school, you have to memorize and remember information for timed tests."
[07:15]

The Impact of Parental Communication

Kirk illustrates how well-intentioned parental reminders can unintentionally trigger negative self-perceptions in children. Simple statements meant to guide or correct can be internalized as personal failures.

"What she is saying is, hey, I don’t want you to get to school and then be hungry at lunchtime because I love you. But our kids feel like there's something wrong with them."
[04:00]

Effective Communication Strategies

To mitigate negative self-talk, Kirk proposes a shift in how parents communicate with their children. The focus should be on affirming the child's strengths while providing gentle reminders or support for their challenges.

1. Reframe the Reminder

Instead of highlighting what the child did wrong, reframe the message to acknowledge their strengths and provide context.

Incorrect Approach:

"You forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time."

Reframed Approach:

"Of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. That’s because you have a strategic brain focused on bigger ideas."

2. Normalize Their Experiences

Kirk advises parents to validate their children's feelings and normalize their struggles, making them feel understood rather than criticized.

"Normalize childhood. This is what boys and girls your age should do."
[09:25]

3. Affirm Their Strengths

Highlighting a child's natural abilities and strengths helps build their confidence and shifts the focus from their weaknesses.

"You have a strategic brain that is always focused on bigger thoughts and ideas. You’re processing ideas because that’s what innovators and inventors do."
[18:30]

Practical Tools and Techniques

Kirk provides concrete methods parents can use to support their children in managing forgetfulness and other challenges without fostering negative self-talk.

1. Visual Reminders

Encourage the use of visual cues such as post-it notes, packing the lunchbox the night before, or placing items in a designated spot.

"Show him how to put little post-it notes on his backpack as a reminder to grab his lunchbox before he runs out the door."
[15:10]

2. Empowering Autonomy

Allowing children to take responsibility for their tasks can enhance their sense of agency and reduce forgetfulness.

"Let your child be responsible for packing his or her own lunch. If possible, just let him make his own sandwich and put things together because then he's more likely to remember it."
[19:45]

3. Creative Solutions

Encourage children to come up with personalized strategies that align with their unique thinking patterns.

"Hey Alexa, remind me tomorrow morning at 7:22 am to take my lunchbox."
[20:05]

Building a Supportive Environment

Kirk emphasizes the importance of a supportive environment where children feel their strengths are recognized and their challenges are addressed with compassion.

"Begin making some notes including specific examples of your child using his or her natural gifts and strengths so we can begin providing proper context and building their confidence."
[23:50]

Conclusion and Challenge for Parents

Kirk wraps up the episode by challenging parents to consciously shift their focus from their children's shortcomings to their abilities and strengths. By doing so, parents can foster a more positive self-image in their children, enhancing their overall well-being and resilience.

"For the next week, notice everything that they're doing well. Begin calling out their different gifts. That'll change them inside."
[25:10]

He also encourages parents to utilize Celebrate Calm’s resources, such as their downloadable programs, to further support their parenting journey.

Key Takeaways

• Empathy and Understanding: Recognize the internal struggles of neurodivergent children and approach their challenges with empathy.

• Reframing Communication: Shift from corrective statements to affirming and strength-based language.

• Practical Tools: Implement visual reminders and encourage autonomy to help children manage forgetfulness.

• Supportive Environment: Continuously acknowledge and celebrate children's strengths to build their confidence and self-esteem.

Notable Quotes

• Kirk Martin: "You have a strategic brain that is always focused on bigger thoughts and ideas. You’re processing ideas because that’s what innovators and inventors do."
  [18:30]

• Kirk Martin: "Normalize childhood. This is what boys and girls your age should do."
  [09:25]

• Kirk Martin: "For the next week, notice everything that they're doing well. Begin calling out their different gifts. That'll change them inside."
  [25:10]

By adopting Kirk Martin’s strategies, parents can transform daily interactions into opportunities for growth and affirmation, ultimately fostering a more positive and resilient mindset in their children.