A Script to Explain Your Child’s Diagnosis or Struggles (Part 1) #490

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary: "A Script to Explain Your Child’s Diagnosis or Struggles (Part 1)" #490

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: June 18, 2025

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Introduction

In episode #490 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into a sensitive yet crucial topic: how to communicate your child’s diagnosis or struggles in a constructive and positive manner. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and his personal journey with ADHD, Kirk provides parents with practical strategies to foster understanding and confidence in their children.

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The Problem with Labeling

Kirk begins by addressing the common practice of labeling children with diagnoses such as ADHD, OCD, ODD, or ASD. He criticizes the tendency to focus primarily on a child's weaknesses rather than their strengths, highlighting how this approach can be detrimental to a child’s self-esteem and overall development.

"We try to fix our kids. But other people don't try to fix their kids' weaknesses."
— Kirk Martin [03:45]

He emphasizes that labels like "hyperactive" or "energy deficit disorder" often reflect an attempt to conform children to arbitrary societal standards, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

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Analogies to Illuminate the Issue

To illustrate the absurdity of forcing children to fit into predefined molds, Kirk employs relatable analogies:

Energy Deficit Disorder Analogy

Kirk imagines a scenario where parents of neurotypical children explain to their child that they have "Energy Deficit Disorder," humorously outlining the illogical perks such as being able to sit still longer or being more favored by teachers. This analogy underscores the nonsensical nature of labeling and attempts to change a child's inherent traits.

"Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder?"
— Kirk Martin [07:25]

Basketball Team Analogy

Using the example of NBA star Steph Curry, Kirk illustrates how focusing solely on a player's weaknesses (like rebounding for Curry) would undermine their unique strengths. He parallels this to how children’s unique talents are often overshadowed by attempts to correct their shortcomings.

"It's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases... I'm just not doing what I'm really good at."
— Kirk Martin [10:40]

These analogies effectively demonstrate the importance of valuing and cultivating each child’s unique abilities rather than forcing them into one-size-fits-all expectations.

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Personal Insights and Experiences

Kirk shares his personal struggles with ADHD, offering an authentic perspective that many parents can relate to. He discusses the challenges of managing ADHD while producing content for the podcast, highlighting both the difficulties and the unique advantages it brings.

"The positives of ADHD outweigh the negatives, and I'm glad I have it."
— Kirk Martin [12:50]

Through his candid narrative, Kirk underscores the necessity of understanding and embracing neurodiversity within the family dynamic, advocating for a balanced view that recognizes both strengths and areas for growth.

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Practical Steps for Parents

Transitioning from theory to practice, Kirk provides actionable steps for parents to facilitate open and positive discussions about strengths and weaknesses within the family:

Family Strengths and Weaknesses Exercise

1. Create Lists Together: Encourage each family member to list their strengths and weaknesses.

2. Play Descriptive Games: Make it fun by describing traits and having others guess who it pertains to, fostering a non-judgmental environment.

3. Use Team Analogies: Compare the family to a sports team or a business, assigning roles based on individual strengths.

"Who comes up with really interesting ideas, who can see patterns and who invents things? Oh, that's my brother, he's fantastic at that."
— Kirk Martin [17:30]

Normalize Strengths and Weaknesses

• Inclusive Conversations: Ensure that discussions are about everyone in the family, not singling out the child with a diagnosis.

• Highlight Complementary Skills: Show how each person’s strengths contribute to the family’s overall success.

"We each have things we're really good at and things we're not good at."
— Kirk Martin [19:45]

Kirk also recommends utilizing tools like whiteboards or poster boards to visualize these strengths and weaknesses, making the exercise interactive and engaging for children.

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Encouraging a Strength-Based Approach

Kirk advocates for shifting the focus from fixing deficiencies to cultivating strengths. By doing so, children can build confidence and develop strategies that leverage their natural talents.

"Our ultimate goal is to teach our kids how to use their brains best, to be confident, knowing, oh, yeah, I've got some weaknesses, and I'm going to overcome those while developing some workarounds and strategies."
— Kirk Martin [25:10]

He reassures parents that this approach not only helps children accept their unique traits but also empowers them to thrive by utilizing their inherent abilities.

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Conclusion and Next Steps

Wrapping up the episode, Kirk encourages parents to reframe their perspectives and engage in meaningful conversations about strengths and weaknesses. He hints at further discussions in the next episode, where he will provide more specific strategies tailored for children with ADHD and other diagnoses.

"I hope you start making that list. If you have our programs, listen to the ADHD University program in particular because I go through this in great detail."
— Kirk Martin [27:50]

Kirk emphasizes the importance of early intervention and the positive impact of a supportive family environment on a child's self-esteem and personal growth.

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Key Takeaways

• Avoid Negative Labeling: Focus on strengths rather than solely addressing weaknesses to prevent diminishing a child’s self-worth.

• Use Relatable Analogies: Employ everyday examples like sports teams to illustrate the value of diverse skills and roles within a family.

• Encourage Open Dialogue: Facilitate family discussions that celebrate each member’s unique talents and acknowledge areas for improvement without judgment.

• Adopt a Strength-Based Approach: Empower children by helping them recognize and utilize their innate abilities, fostering confidence and resilience.

• Prepare for Continued Learning: Stay tuned for subsequent episodes that will delve deeper into specific strategies for supporting children with various diagnoses.

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Resources Mentioned:

• ADHD University Program: A comprehensive program offered by Celebrate Calm, providing detailed guidance on managing ADHD in children.

For more information and to access Kirk’s resources, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey directly at [e-mail].

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This episode serves as an essential guide for parents navigating the complexities of explaining and supporting their child’s unique neurological makeup, emphasizing a balanced and empowering approach to parenting.

Transcript

[A]

Casey and I used to fight over chores. Now we fight over Cozy Earth. He'll drop by and I'll say, check out how cool these brushed bamboo shorts or T shirts are. Like literally cooling on hot summer days. And then he won't give them back. So now when I order Cozy Earth, I use Code Calm and I get 40% off 2 of everything. Now the good thing is Mrs. Calm doesn't have to share what she calls the gorgeously soft fabric of her brushed bamboo skirt.

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So choose one topic your kids are curious about and one in which they struggle. And over the summer, let your kids play the interactive games IXL uses to learn new facts and concepts without the pressure of the normal school year. It's more about curiosity.

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Mistakes so you don't have to because you know our kids don't like being corrected by us. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Call parenting podcast listeners. Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how do you talk to your child about his or her diagnosis? Or if your child isn't diagnosed, just about their weaknesses, the things they're struggling with in school and at home? How do you do that in a constructive way, in a positive way, so we don't introduce fear into it? That is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big summer [e-mail] this is a very important episode. I am going to ask you to be patient with me. I'm not going to talk as fast as I usually do because I really want to do this in a comprehensive way. I may stumble at sometimes. This is not perfectly scripted out. I'm going to start at a very, very high level on this. And this was prompted by a mom who has a son with adhd. I'm going to frame this discussion based on ADHD because that is the most common diagnosis that many of us struggle with. But I know we can apply this to kids who struggle with ocd, odd, which I hate. That label all kinds of different. If your kids are on the spectrum, we can apply these same principles. And if I don't cover it in enough detail, email me and I could do a separate one at some point. But I think this will, this will get you started. So I'm going to go slowly give you a different perspective. So let's start really high level. I want to demonstrate the absurdity of what we do to our kids by showing how absurd this would be. Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder? It means. The good part is it means you can sit still a lot. And, and it means that teachers love you. You don't blurt out. It's easier for you now in school. But what we want, you know, is you're different than those other kids in class who are always moving and have a lot of energy. And so those kids will probably grow up and be Emergency room doctors, EMTs, pilots, salespeople, inventors, entrepreneurs. They're very active with their brains. Oh, there'll be search and rescue people and their brains and the way that their bodies work because of all of that energy, man, that really helps them. And, well, you just don't have that much energy. And so that may be a deficit for many jobs in the real world. So we're going to try a low dose of amphetamines so you can be like them. So you're. So you're not confined to a boring office job. Now, I understand that is not a perfect analogy, but if you flip it around with our kids, that's often what we do with labeling them as hyperactive. They're only hyperactive. Not only, but partially. They got that label because they're in an arbitrary environment in which they have to be still for six or seven hours a day, day after day. If our kids were in different environments, that they to choose when they're adults. All those jobs I've noticed throughout my life because we live out west here and there's a lot of search and rescue people and I've met EMTs and pilots. Most of them have ADHD. They're ideally suited toward that. But we try to fix our kids. But other people don't try to fix their kids weaknesses. Let me do one more. Parents of neurotypical kids don't sit down. And you can apply this to yourself, right? Because most of you have a, probably have a neurotypical kid, probably easier kid and then the neurodivergent kid, the ADHD kid or on the spectrum kid, you don't sit your other kids down. Son, daughter, you have hyper focused deficit disorder. See, you're not capable of hyper focusing. Your brain works so that you can focus on many different things at once and that's really helpful in school. It's just ineffective to focus on unimportant things. It's better to hyper focus and you have a deficit in that. See in the real world after you get out of school, your inability to hyper focus will be a disadvantage. See other kids in class, oh, they hyper focus. They get more done in a short period of time. They can see patterns. That's a superpower. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to sign you up for a couple classes a week. We're going to spend our time and money on these extra classes two days a week. So after you've been at school all day long, we're going to send you to these classes to teach you how to be like the other kids, to teach you how to hyper focus. And then we're going to put pressure on you to change your nature because we paid all this money and we have so much anxiety about you having this deficit not being like the other kids that we're going to put this pressure on you to change even though it won't ever work. But it seems all the rage now to focus on fixing weaknesses instead of cultivating strengths. Now I used a little absurdity there because I want you to see how absurd it is many times, often for us with our kids, oh, we're sending them to different classes. Let me teach you this new skill that our kids will never learn because one, they don't need to learn it. They only need it for this period of their life. And, and I know it makes it harder in school when you struggle with short term memory, when you're moving all the time. I understand that we will get to that later. But this emphasis on changing our kids is devastating to our kids because they begin to internalize. You're less than, there's something wrong with you. We need to change your nature. So I encourage you, do not hyper focus on our kids deficits or weaknesses. Many of them are only weaknesses because the standards are arbitrary. Okay, let's stay high level. I want to use this analogy. So take a basketball team. There are usually there are five complementary players. A shooting guard, point guard, a couple forwards and the center. And they all have different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other. So there's a player in the NBA named Steph Curry. He is one of the greatest shooters in the history of the game. He's a great scorer. He also happens to be 6 foot 2, 185 pounds. The average NBA player is 6 foot 7, 215 pounds. You get a guy like LeBron James is 69250. So Steph Curry is tiny compared to his competitors, but he is one of the greatest shooters. But imagine that every day when he went into practice his coach said, steph, you're not rebounding well. And for those who don't know the game, rebounding is someone shoots a misses the ball hits off the backboard and usually it's the, the taller players grab the rebound. Well naturally he's not going to be a great rebounder. And so Steph Curry replies, well, coach, I'm one of the best three point shooters in the game. And the response to him, yeah, yeah, but your grade, your performance, your salary, Steph is based on doing everything well. See, that's kind of the standard we give our kids. And what we say in school is your grade is based on doing everything well. When the real world, that's just not how it works. So Steph Curry would reply, coach, I'm six foot two, everybody's six seven. Rebounding is for the big guys or the big, the taller ladies in the wnba, that's not a good use of my talents. And then the coach would say, well that sounds like an excuse. If you would just apply yourself, Steph, you would be better at this. I think you have rebounding deficit disorder or height deficit disorder. Now my point is, number one, it won't work to ask someone to work against their nature. For Steph Curry to put energy into learning to rebound better, one, it won't work and two, there is an opportunity cost because if it every day at practice he is trying to rebound. What happens to his shooting skills? They atrophy, they suffer and so it's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases or Michelangelo, like, you've got to do a better job at accounting. It's like, that's not where I want your energy. It's like asking me to be a handyman. I'm not. I won't ever be. It would just cause a lot of frustration. And all the time I'm spent swearing, right, because I can't figure things out. Well, I'm not doing what I'm really good at. And that's why many of our kids get angry and frustrated and shut down. And my point is, it is only with our kids that we focus almost solely on their weaknesses. We don't do it to other kids, we don't do it to other adults. So before we drill down to your family, let me make this very personal. So I know people who have adhd. I am one, our son is one. And other diagnoses. These are very real struggles that impact people. I'm not denying that. I'm trying to place it in context and, and give perspective so we don't destroy our kids confidence when they're little because that is very hard to get back. So I stopped by my brother's house yesterday and before I could get in.

[A]

The door, my nephew called me and said, uncle Kirk, come see what I built by myself. It was a Kiwico plane launcher. Way cool. He was so excited and proud of himself showing me how he built a launch lever to send planes soaring, then put together a spring powered Runway for high speed takeoff. I love these Kiwico projects. Your kids will love these engineering, science and art projects because they are fun, hands on and build your child's confidence. My nephew may not always pay attention well in class, but he can explain.

[B]

The physics of flight.

[A]

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[B]

How many of you have kids who.

[A]

Struggle with impulse control? We do. So we taught Casey practical ways to.

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Delay gratification by saving money because it's very tangible. I encourage you to build this new habit with your kids this summer with the Acorns early app and debit card. I'm so glad today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. It's a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. I like teaching with money because your kids can see how their choices directly add up in concrete ways. It's one of the best habits we taught Casey. Acorns early makes building this new habit.

[A]

Easy, easy and fun.

[B]

So head to acornserly.com calm or download the Acorns early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. That's acornserly.com calm acorns early card is issued by Community Federal Savings bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TNCs apply monthly subscription fee starting from $5 per month unless canceled so before we drill down to your family, let me make this personal and I want you to know people who are diagnosed with ADHD and the other diagnoses these are, they encounter very real struggles in daily life. So I am not denying that or minimizing that. I'm trying to place this in context and perspective. While I was working on this particular podcast, I really struggled because of my ADHD and because of the way that my brain is wired. This was harder for me. I also think there are some aspects of my ADHD that make this podcast better or different than someone who would be addressing this, who doesn't have this. So here's what was hard about it. There are so many details. There are I have so many notes. It was very overwhelming. Now, typically the way my brain works is it's an advantage. So I'll get in a mode where I'm thinking about a podcast and I get a lot of clarity and I'm like, boom, boom, boom. And oftentimes I will write and record three podcasts in a day, or it might be over the course of two days, but it's because my mind gets in a certain head space. It might be an email that I replied to and I was like, oh, that's really good. I can expand that and make that into a podcast. It might be drawing on an experience I had with Casey or something we used to talk about at our live events. And that makes it easier. And I get in a certain head space and that hyper focus means, oh, I just nailed three of them really well now with this one. It's overwhelming and I had there's so many points to make and I'm trying to be precise and creative. And so thinking hard for protracted periods of time is difficult for me. And so I want to escape and do something else because it is taxing mentally, emotionally, even physically to really Drill down and think about this. So I wanted to do. So I wanted to escape and put it off for another day. But here's. So here's the process that I use the tools I use to get this done. So for me, I have to lay out the big picture first. Until I have a theme and outline, something visual, the big picture, I can't fill in the details. And I did that over the course of a couple days. So I was working on other podcasts, but this one was always in the back of my mind because there's a mom who's waiting for my answer. And I do care and I do want to help people and I want to help this mom. So I couldn't put it off too long, so I was holding myself accountable. So I laid out these, the outline, and then I've hiked over the past few days because I'm very mission oriented and I really want this mission. I have to brag about this really quickly. So in the first five months of the year, I have hiked 500 miles and 100,000ft of vertical climbing, which is an immense amount. I've never come close to that. And it's because I'm very fortunate and lucky that I have the time and opportunities to do that. But I set that record yesterday. And it was on these recent hikes that I've been really meditating on this. And Mrs. Calm is out of town with family, so I had this extra time to really think about this and just let things process through my head. The basketball analogy, I know exactly where I was on the trail when that one came to me. And so that helps me out. And so what's hard is, okay, now I come home from the hike and I have to sit down and think, put all these thoughts together in a coherent way. So here are some things that I use for that one. One, I went for my hike and then I went to the gym because I did some weights. When I came home, I knew the endorphins are flowing and I have a lot of clarity. So I sit down and start doing some work. I play intense music. Intense music is often very good for your kids brains when they're learning. And we'll get to that a little bit later. So I started filling in the details. Then I would take breaks. So. So I tend to work on projects like this. I do a short burst and I would complete one section. I'd be like, okay, that's good. Then I take a break. I take a shower or I eat something, or I call Mrs. Kallman we would discuss it because that gave me more clarity. So short bursts. Get a reward. The motivation is extremely important for us. Many of your kids are. Are not lazy. It is just that they are not motivated. But you've seen this with your kids. If your kids are into something, oh, they can get ready on time. They can remember all the details of their favorite movie or precise things about a passion that they have. But if you ask them to put their shoes on or remember something else, they just can't do it. So the motivation for me was, I want to do this right? I did want to, and I want to help this mom, and I do want to help you. Time compression, a very valuable tool for people with adhd. So the time compression part was this. I told myself yesterday, you are not going to bed until this is laid out and you can record it. And so I had a mission, and I was not letting myself off of that. And for whatever reason, compressing time with a mission is extremely valuable. Now, I know some people will find medication helpful. It's just not my thing because I wanted to find natural ways to do this for me. But as I was writing this, I was really struggling. But for me, the positives of ADHD outweigh the negatives, and I'm glad I have it. And Casey says he's glad that he has it. That's not always the case, and I understand that. But I want to show you a different way now as we drill down to have this discussion with your kids. Okay, Something just happened. I want to share with you. And this podcast is very different. I just recorded the next section, but I wasn't really happy with it. And so I swore, and hopefully I'll record over that, unless some of you really like that. And I was like, ugh, I'm not getting it. So all of a sudden, I. I get four new ideas for you to try in the next few days. And so now I'm super excited because I have new ideas and I think this is going to resonate. So let me begin with. This is setting up the discussion. Look, I'm actually really angry that we have to have like this talk with our kids. I do not want it to be negative. I do not want it to be fear based. And I want to reframe this discussion. I don't want you to talk to your kids about their diagnosis. I want you to shift your entire perspective and just begin talking as a family about each person's relative strengths and weaknesses, because all human beings have strengths and weaknesses, and usually There's a corresponding nature. Usually if you have a weakness, you have a related strength that counteracts that counterbalances that. And I also don't want to make this about one child in the family, because mom, dad, son, daughter, all of your kids, all of you, you have strengths and weaknesses. So I want you to normalize this instead of being like, well, we need to talk to our child because he struggles. Well, you struggle, I struggle. Your spouse struggles. You, your other kids struggle in certain areas. But I want you to talk about and show your kids how you actually chose careers based on how your brain works best. One of you may be a very linear thinker, very good with numbers, you're very orderly, and you can mock yourself a little bit in front of your kids. Hey, have you ever noticed that I'm orderly? Yeah, dad, you freak out when you come home from work and their Legos on the floor, we can tell. That really triggers you. Yeah, it does, because that's how my brain is wired. And that what makes me a very good accountant. See, a company pays me money for my strengths. They don't care about my weaknesses. And so the other spouse, the other parent can say, hey, I'm super creative, but I'm not really good at following through in these areas. And you'll notice I'm not great with details. And so have you guys ever noticed that I leave post it notes everywhere? Yeah, I don't have good short term memory, but I'm super creative and a company pays me money for my creativity. And you can take it down through the kids. And so here are some games even that you could play. You could get a whiteboard out or just a poster board. Ask your kids, start with you. Hey, this. Have you guys ever noticed. Do you. Can you make a list? What are my strengths and weaknesses as a dad? What are my. What are moms? And you start doing this and they can start talking about each other. Now, I know this has potential for like, you stink at this. But I don't want it to be that. So you could actually make it a game. I love this idea. Hey, who am I describing? This person swears when little things go wrong or when they can't fix something and the kids are gonna be like, dad, that's dad. You'd be like, absolutely. That is one of the things I really struggle with. But then you can mention strengths. And so you can do that with your kids and say, who am I describing? Who comes up with really interesting ideas, who can see patterns and who invents things? Oh, that's my brother, he's fantastic at that. And so you can normalize this instead of it being about one person. Now, I really like these two analogies. You could say, hey, if our family were a basketball team or a soccer team, whatever it is, or football team, who would play each position? And I, and, and so you can, you can start to talk about those things of like, yeah, because you're better at this and she's better at that. And I really like this one. Let's say that we were going to start a family business. Who would do the marketing, who would do the finances and you can talk openly and say, oh, no way do we want him or her to be in charge of finances because they're not good at that. But oh, she would be fantastic at sales and advertising. Who's going to manage the details of the business? Who's going to see by putting it in that context, everyone in your family can see, oh, we each have things we're really good at and things we're not good at. And so here's what we're going to do. This is getting a little long and I still have three pages of notes. I think I'm going to make an executive decision here. I want you to do some homework over the next few days and then I'm going to get to very, very specific things with your kids with ADHD and other diagnosis. I want you over the next couple days to think about this and reframe it for yourself. Make a list of your family strengths and weaknesses and begin having these conversations with your kids. I would encourage you make a list before I do the next episode. I'll release it in like two or three days of your child's strengths and weaknesses and I'll just list some here from the next page. Difficulty paying attention if not interested in something. Short term memory, following directions. They're impulsive. Multi step processes are hard. Struggling with peers their own age. Constantly needing to move well. Strengths, hyper focus. Work on momentum. Strategic and critical thinking. They're really good at being leaders. Curious initiative, taking action, seeing patterns. They're old souls, good in the adult world. Lots of good energy. So I encourage you start making that list. If you have our programs, listen to the ADHD university program in particular because I go through this in great detail. If you do not have our programs, buy them on a special sale or reach out to Casey, he'll help you out with this. You get them as an instant download, let your kids listen to that and then in the next episode you will be ready to really drill down into specifics. So thank you for putting up with me in this episode. Not being scripted, I hope it didn't irritate you too much. But really think about how to reframe this and what we're Our ultimate goal is to teach our kids how to use their brains best, to be confident, knowing, oh, yeah, I've got some weaknesses, and I'm going to have to overcome those. And I'll develop some workarounds and strategies. We'll talk about that next. But I really need to be excited about the fact that I have some unique gifts and talents that I bring to the world. And, man, I'm going to use those to change things. Okay, I've talked enough. Love you all. Thank you for working through this. If we can help you, let us know. Bye. Bye.