A Script to Explain Your Child’s Diagnosis or Struggles (Part 1) #490 - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary: "A Script to Explain Your Child’s Diagnosis or Struggles (Part 1)" #490

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: June 18, 2025

Introduction

In episode #490 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into a sensitive yet crucial topic: how to communicate your child’s diagnosis or struggles in a constructive and positive manner. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and his personal journey with ADHD, Kirk provides parents with practical strategies to foster understanding and confidence in their children.

The Problem with Labeling

Kirk begins by addressing the common practice of labeling children with diagnoses such as ADHD, OCD, ODD, or ASD. He criticizes the tendency to focus primarily on a child's weaknesses rather than their strengths, highlighting how this approach can be detrimental to a child’s self-esteem and overall development.

"We try to fix our kids. But other people don't try to fix their kids' weaknesses."
— Kirk Martin [03:45]

He emphasizes that labels like "hyperactive" or "energy deficit disorder" often reflect an attempt to conform children to arbitrary societal standards, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

Analogies to Illuminate the Issue

To illustrate the absurdity of forcing children to fit into predefined molds, Kirk employs relatable analogies:

Energy Deficit Disorder Analogy

Kirk imagines a scenario where parents of neurotypical children explain to their child that they have "Energy Deficit Disorder," humorously outlining the illogical perks such as being able to sit still longer or being more favored by teachers. This analogy underscores the nonsensical nature of labeling and attempts to change a child's inherent traits.

"Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder?"
— Kirk Martin [07:25]

Basketball Team Analogy

Using the example of NBA star Steph Curry, Kirk illustrates how focusing solely on a player's weaknesses (like rebounding for Curry) would undermine their unique strengths. He parallels this to how children’s unique talents are often overshadowed by attempts to correct their shortcomings.

"It's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases... I'm just not doing what I'm really good at."
— Kirk Martin [10:40]

These analogies effectively demonstrate the importance of valuing and cultivating each child’s unique abilities rather than forcing them into one-size-fits-all expectations.

Personal Insights and Experiences

Kirk shares his personal struggles with ADHD, offering an authentic perspective that many parents can relate to. He discusses the challenges of managing ADHD while producing content for the podcast, highlighting both the difficulties and the unique advantages it brings.

"The positives of ADHD outweigh the negatives, and I'm glad I have it."
— Kirk Martin [12:50]

Through his candid narrative, Kirk underscores the necessity of understanding and embracing neurodiversity within the family dynamic, advocating for a balanced view that recognizes both strengths and areas for growth.

Practical Steps for Parents

Transitioning from theory to practice, Kirk provides actionable steps for parents to facilitate open and positive discussions about strengths and weaknesses within the family:

Family Strengths and Weaknesses Exercise

Create Lists Together: Encourage each family member to list their strengths and weaknesses.
Play Descriptive Games: Make it fun by describing traits and having others guess who it pertains to, fostering a non-judgmental environment.
Use Team Analogies: Compare the family to a sports team or a business, assigning roles based on individual strengths.

"Who comes up with really interesting ideas, who can see patterns and who invents things? Oh, that's my brother, he's fantastic at that."
— Kirk Martin [17:30]

Normalize Strengths and Weaknesses

Inclusive Conversations: Ensure that discussions are about everyone in the family, not singling out the child with a diagnosis.
Highlight Complementary Skills: Show how each person’s strengths contribute to the family’s overall success.

"We each have things we're really good at and things we're not good at."
— Kirk Martin [19:45]

Kirk also recommends utilizing tools like whiteboards or poster boards to visualize these strengths and weaknesses, making the exercise interactive and engaging for children.

Encouraging a Strength-Based Approach

Kirk advocates for shifting the focus from fixing deficiencies to cultivating strengths. By doing so, children can build confidence and develop strategies that leverage their natural talents.

"Our ultimate goal is to teach our kids how to use their brains best, to be confident, knowing, oh, yeah, I've got some weaknesses, and I'm going to overcome those while developing some workarounds and strategies."
— Kirk Martin [25:10]

He reassures parents that this approach not only helps children accept their unique traits but also empowers them to thrive by utilizing their inherent abilities.

Conclusion and Next Steps

Wrapping up the episode, Kirk encourages parents to reframe their perspectives and engage in meaningful conversations about strengths and weaknesses. He hints at further discussions in the next episode, where he will provide more specific strategies tailored for children with ADHD and other diagnoses.

"I hope you start making that list. If you have our programs, listen to the ADHD University program in particular because I go through this in great detail."
— Kirk Martin [27:50]

Kirk emphasizes the importance of early intervention and the positive impact of a supportive family environment on a child's self-esteem and personal growth.

Key Takeaways

Avoid Negative Labeling: Focus on strengths rather than solely addressing weaknesses to prevent diminishing a child’s self-worth.
Use Relatable Analogies: Employ everyday examples like sports teams to illustrate the value of diverse skills and roles within a family.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Facilitate family discussions that celebrate each member’s unique talents and acknowledge areas for improvement without judgment.
Adopt a Strength-Based Approach: Empower children by helping them recognize and utilize their innate abilities, fostering confidence and resilience.
Prepare for Continued Learning: Stay tuned for subsequent episodes that will delve deeper into specific strategies for supporting children with various diagnoses.

Resources Mentioned:

ADHD University Program: A comprehensive program offered by Celebrate Calm, providing detailed guidance on managing ADHD in children.

For more information and to access Kirk’s resources, visit www.CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey directly at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.

This episode serves as an essential guide for parents navigating the complexities of explaining and supporting their child’s unique neurological makeup, emphasizing a balanced and empowering approach to parenting.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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Mistakes so you don't have to because you know our kids don't like being corrected by us. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Call parenting podcast listeners. Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So how do you talk to your child about his or her diagnosis? Or if your child isn't diagnosed, just about their weaknesses, the things they're struggling with in school and at home? How do you do that in a constructive way, in a positive way, so we don't introduce fear into it? That is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big summer sale@celebratecalm.com this is a very important episode. I am going to ask you to be patient with me. I'm not going to talk as fast as I usually do because I really want to do this in a comprehensive way. I may stumble at sometimes. This is not perfectly scripted out. I'm going to start at a very, very high level on this. And this was prompted by a mom who has a son with adhd. I'm going to frame this discussion based on ADHD because that is the most common diagnosis that many of us struggle with. But I know we can apply this to kids who struggle with ocd, odd, which I hate. That label all kinds of different. If your kids are on the spectrum, we can apply these same principles. And if I don't cover it in enough detail, email me and I could do a separate one at some point. But I think this will, this will get you started. So I'm going to go slowly give you a different perspective. So let's start really high level. I want to demonstrate the absurdity of what we do to our kids by showing how absurd this would be. Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder? It means. The good part is it means you can sit still a lot. And, and it means that teachers love you. You don't blurt out. It's easier for you now in school. But what we want, you know, is you're different than those other kids in class who are always moving and have a lot of energy. And so those kids will probably grow up and be Emergency room doctors, EMTs, pilots, salespeople, inventors, entrepreneurs. They're very active with their brains. Oh, there'll be search and rescue people and their brains and the way that their bodies work because of all of that energy, man, that really helps them. And, well, you just don't have that much energy. And so that may be a deficit for many jobs in the real world. So we're going to try a low dose of amphetamines so you can be like them. So you're. So you're not confined to a boring office job. Now, I understand that is not a perfect analogy, but if you flip it around with our kids, that's often what we do with labeling them as hyperactive. They're only hyperactive. Not only, but partially. They got that label because they're in an arbitrary environment in which they have to be still for six or seven hours a day, day after day. If our kids were in different environments, that they to choose when they're adults. All those jobs I've noticed throughout my life because we live out west here and there's a lot of search and rescue people and I've met EMTs and pilots. Most of them have ADHD. They're ideally suited toward that. But we try to fix our kids. But other people don't try to fix their kids weaknesses. Let me do one more. Parents of neurotypical kids don't sit down. And you can apply this to yourself, right? Because most of you have a, probably have a neurotypical kid, probably easier kid and then the neurodivergent kid, the ADHD kid or on the spectrum kid, you don't sit your other kids down. Son, daughter, you have hyper focused deficit disorder. See, you're not capable of hyper focusing. Your brain works so that you can focus on many different things at once and that's really helpful in school. It's just ineffective to focus on unimportant things. It's better to hyper focus and you have a deficit in that. See in the real world after you get out of school, your inability to hyper focus will be a disadvantage. See other kids in class, oh, they hyper focus. They get more done in a short period of time. They can see patterns. That's a superpower. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to sign you up for a couple classes a week. We're going to spend our time and money on these extra classes two days a week. So after you've been at school all day long, we're going to send you to these classes to teach you how to be like the other kids, to teach you how to hyper focus. And then we're going to put pressure on you to change your nature because we paid all this money and we have so much anxiety about you having this deficit not being like the other kids that we're going to put this pressure on you to change even though it won't ever work. But it seems all the rage now to focus on fixing weaknesses instead of cultivating strengths. Now I used a little absurdity there because I want you to see how absurd it is many times, often for us with our kids, oh, we're sending them to different classes. Let me teach you this new skill that our kids will never learn because one, they don't need to learn it. They only need it for this period of their life. And, and I know it makes it harder in school when you struggle with short term memory, when you're moving all the time. I understand that we will get to that later. But this emphasis on changing our kids is devastating to our kids because they begin to internalize. You're less than, there's something wrong with you. We need to change your nature. So I encourage you, do not hyper focus on our kids deficits or weaknesses. Many of them are only weaknesses because the standards are arbitrary. Okay, let's stay high level. I want to use this analogy. So take a basketball team. There are usually there are five complementary players. A shooting guard, point guard, a couple forwards and the center. And they all have different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other. So there's a player in the NBA named Steph Curry. He is one of the greatest shooters in the history of the game. He's a great scorer. He also happens to be 6 foot 2, 185 pounds. The average NBA player is 6 foot 7, 215 pounds. You get a guy like LeBron James is 69250. So Steph Curry is tiny compared to his competitors, but he is one of the greatest shooters. But imagine that every day when he went into practice his coach said, steph, you're not rebounding well. And for those who don't know the game, rebounding is someone shoots a misses the ball hits off the backboard and usually it's the, the taller players grab the rebound. Well naturally he's not going to be a great rebounder. And so Steph Curry replies, well, coach, I'm one of the best three point shooters in the game. And the response to him, yeah, yeah, but your grade, your performance, your salary, Steph is based on doing everything well. See, that's kind of the standard we give our kids. And what we say in school is your grade is based on doing everything well. When the real world, that's just not how it works. So Steph Curry would reply, coach, I'm six foot two, everybody's six seven. Rebounding is for the big guys or the big, the taller ladies in the wnba, that's not a good use of my talents. And then the coach would say, well that sounds like an excuse. If you would just apply yourself, Steph, you would be better at this. I think you have rebounding deficit disorder or height deficit disorder. Now my point is, number one, it won't work to ask someone to work against their nature. For Steph Curry to put energy into learning to rebound better, one, it won't work and two, there is an opportunity cost because if it every day at practice he is trying to rebound. What happens to his shooting skills? They atrophy, they suffer and so it's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases or Michelangelo, like, you've got to do a better job at accounting. It's like, that's not where I want your energy. It's like asking me to be a handyman. I'm not. I won't ever be. It would just cause a lot of frustration. And all the time I'm spent swearing, right, because I can't figure things out. Well, I'm not doing what I'm really good at. And that's why many of our kids get angry and frustrated and shut down. And my point is, it is only with our kids that we focus almost solely on their weaknesses. We don't do it to other kids, we don't do it to other adults. So before we drill down to your family, let me make this very personal. So I know people who have adhd. I am one, our son is one. And other diagnoses. These are very real struggles that impact people. I'm not denying that. I'm trying to place it in context and, and give perspective so we don't destroy our kids confidence when they're little because that is very hard to get back. So I stopped by my brother's house yesterday and before I could get in.