Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #446: ADHD or ND Kids? 8 Ways to Build Resilience, Confidence & Self-Control

Release Date: February 7, 2025

Hosts:

• Kirk Martin – Founder of Celebrate Calm and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast
• Holly Blanc Moses – Host of the Autism ADHD Podcast

Introduction

In episode #446 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin teams up with Holly Blanc Moses from the Autism ADHD Podcast to delve into effective strategies for parenting neurodivergent (ND) children, including those with ADHD. Drawing from Kirk's extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, the discussion centers around eight pivotal ways to foster resilience, confidence, and self-control in ND children.

1. Your Kid Is Not Broken

[03:52]
Kirk Martin: "They're not broken. Society sends the message that your kids are broken and that there's something wrong with them, and there isn't. They're different, but they're not broken, and there's nothing wrong with them."

Kirk emphasizes the importance of shifting the parental mindset from trying to "fix" the child to accepting and celebrating their unique differences. He shares his personal journey of grieving the initial challenges with his son and realizing that much of the struggle stemmed from his own control issues and anxiety. By changing himself, he began to see his son in a new, more positive light.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "And I think, you know, that's a human thing to think... And I was sharing with you before we started recording, it's like, oh, you know, I see all these people sort of posting pictures of prom and whatever, and they're, you know, that looks so fun. But that doesn't mean that my kids are wrong or need to be fixed because maybe they won't do those things because that doesn't interest them."

2. Don't Let People Put Your Child in a Box

[20:53]
Kirk Martin: "You are responsible for your child's education, not the teachers and not the school system."

Kirk and Holly discuss the detrimental effects of labeling ND children based on conventional standards. They advocate for parents to trust their instincts and resist external pressures that attempt to categorize or limit their children. By recognizing and affirming the child's strengths, parents can help shift the narrative from deficits to potential.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "But like you said, putting your child in a box, that's okay, that your kid maybe does something different. I remember... he was extremely difficult to read and very, very different from all the other kids. And he was concerned about all the parents seeing his handwriting. And I was explaining to him that most people don't even write very much when they're older. They type. And... my handwriting, it's hard to read. I have a hard time reading it myself. It has nothing to do with being smart. Look how creative and lovely the way you wrote that."

3. Parent Them Differently

[30:49]
Kirk Martin: "They're motivated by different things. I use a different tone of voice. I like a very even, matter-of-fact tone of voice."

This section explores alternative parenting techniques tailored to ND children. Kirk shares practical examples, such as responding to a child's frustration with authenticity rather than conventional praise, which can sometimes feel condescending to strong-willed kids. Instead of forcing communication, he opts to give his children space to process their emotions and then engage in problem-solving once they're ready.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "When somebody is upset... kids that I work with, including my own... if you are talking, it is more anxiety, it's more frustration, it's fuel on the fire."

4. Your Kid Will Change You

[38:54]
Kirk Martin: "They will bring out all these things in me, and then now it was out in the open, and it was either change and fix a kid or change myself."

Kirk discusses the profound personal growth that comes from parenting ND children. Facing their unique challenges forces parents to confront and transform their own ingrained behaviors and attitudes. Embracing this change not only benefits the parent but also sets a positive example for the child.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "When you say, 'they push your buttons,' looking at the buttons, and nobody talks about that... why are those buttons for you? What's happening there for you?"

5. Control Your Anxiety About Your Child's Future

[46:16]
Kirk Martin: "You are going to have anxiety about your child's future. You're going to look at what they're doing now and project into the future..."

Parents often project their own fears and anxieties onto their children, worrying about their future success and social acceptance. Kirk advises parents to recognize these anxieties and focus instead on the present strengths and capabilities of their children, fostering a more positive outlook.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "When it comes up, like you said, being able to notice it and be gentle and not beat ourselves down with it... especially when kids are carrying the weight of this."

6. Don't Sacrifice Your Child on the Altar of Your Own Convenience or to Make Others More Comfortable

[55:30]
Kirk Martin: "Do weird things... No, here's the true example is our kids do like to problem solve. So doing a treasure hunt in the basement and hide their food... your life is going to look different, and I want you to be able to embrace that."

This segment underscores the importance of prioritizing the child's needs and well-being over societal norms or the comfort of others. Kirk encourages parents to embrace unconventional methods that work best for their family, fostering an environment where the child can thrive authentically.

Notable Quote:
Kirk Martin: "We ate awful when we were kids. Don't try to do life like everybody else is doing it."

7. Define Your Values

[62:20]
Kirk Martin: "Determine what's important to you. And I would write it down."

Kirk advises parents to clearly identify and articulate their family values, ensuring that parenting strategies align with these principles. By focusing on long-term success and emotional health rather than immediate compliance or academic performance, parents can create a supportive environment that nurtures their child's unique talents.

Notable Quote:
Kirk Martin: "What you're raising them for... stop trying to make your kid be good as a kid or to be good at being good in the kid world."

8. Spend Your Energy Supporting Their Passions

[68:37]
Kirk Martin: "If you spend 80% of your energy trying to fix what's wrong, you don't have time for cultivating their natural gifts, talents, and passions."

The final strategy emphasizes the importance of nurturing a child's interests and strengths instead of solely focusing on mitigating challenges. Kirk shares how supporting his son's passions in strategic thinking and problem-solving has led to his success as an adult, highlighting the long-term benefits of this approach.

Notable Quote:
Holly Blanc Moses: "There's so much beautiful, passionate, amazing things about our kids... But when we gauge their worth based on things like doing the math quickly at the restaurant, it's not. That doesn't even make sense."

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Kirk Martin and Holly Blanc Moses provide actionable insights and heartfelt advice for parents navigating the complexities of raising ND children. By embracing these eight strategies, parents can foster environments that build resilience, confidence, and self-control in their children, paving the way for their future success and happiness.

Final Notable Quote:
Kirk Martin: "Your kids are going to do well in life. Just pull those qualities out and let them know this thing of sitting still all day, you won't have to do that after you're like 17. It's gonna be okay."

Learn More:

• Visit Celebrate Calm for additional resources.
• Subscribe to the Calm Parenting Podcast on your preferred platform to access over 360 episodes covering a wide range of parenting topics.
• Follow Kirk Martin and Holly Blanc Moses on Instagram for more tips and interactive content.