Calm Parenting Podcast: Adoption #2 Summary
Host: Kirk Martin
Episode Title: Adoption #2: Kids Who Never Seem Full or Happy, Unhealthy Attachments, Separation & Sleep Issues #463
Release Date: March 28, 2025
In the second episode of the "Adoption" series on the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin addresses the multifaceted challenges adoptive parents often face. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides actionable strategies to help parents navigate issues such as insatiable emotional needs, unhealthy attachments, separation anxiety, and persistent sleep disturbances.
Acknowledging the Complexities of Adoption
Kirk begins by empathizing with adoptive parents, acknowledging the profound difficulties in addressing the deep-seated emotional needs of adopted children. He emphasizes that struggling with these challenges does not reflect parental failure but is instead indicative of the intricate layers within a child's emotional landscape.
"There are some things you cannot fix, some questions you cannot answer, some holes you cannot fill. You're not a hero." [01:30]
He reassures parents that their unwavering dedication and love are sufficient, alleviating the pressure to be flawless or omnipotent in their parenting roles.
Common Challenges Faced by Adoptive Parents
Kirk identifies several recurring issues reported by parents of adopted children:
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Insatiable Need for Attention
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Quotes:
"Our son will attach himself to anyone who gives him positive or negative attention." [02:15]
"Her cup is never full, seems like she's unhappy and can't see the good in the day if one thing doesn't go her way." [02:45]
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Discussion: Adopted children often associate any form of attention, whether positive or negative, with care and connection. This can lead to clingy behaviors and a perpetual sense of dissatisfaction, regardless of the amount of love and care they receive.
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Unhealthy Attachments
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Quote:
"Mine have a love bucket with a giant hole in the bottom. They never seem full." [03:10]
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Discussion: These attachments are not merely behavioral choices but compulsions driven by a deep-seated need to fill an emotional void, often stemming from past trauma or instability.
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Separation Anxiety and Independence
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Quote:
"How do you teach your kids to be independent even when separated for a short amount of time?" [07:30]
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Discussion: Children may exhibit resistance or distress when separated from their parents, making it challenging to foster independence and self-reliance.
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Persistent Sleep Issues
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Quote:
"The child doesn't sleep. We've tried different sleep remedies for years, but nothing works." [09:00]
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Discussion: Chronic sleep disturbances can exacerbate other behavioral issues, creating a cycle of frustration and defiance within the household.
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Practical Strategies for Managing Behavioral Challenges
Kirk outlines three primary strategies to address these challenges:
1. Proactive Intense Emotional Engagement
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Quote:
"Try giving your adopted kids even 8, 10, 12 minutes of really intense engagement." [04:20]
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Implementation:
- Engage in meaningful conversations by getting down to the child's level and maintaining eye contact.
- Show genuine interest in their interests, asking open-ended questions to foster connection.
- Offer honest and focused praise to make them feel genuinely seen and valued.
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Example:
"Our son, when I take an interest in his ski mountaineering, he always says, 'Dad, thank you for being interested in that.' It makes people feel seen and heard." [05:00]
2. Intense Physical Sensory Engagement
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Quote:
"Look for ways to give your kids intense sensory pressure." [06:10]
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Implementation:
- Incorporate activities like roughhousing, obstacle courses, or sensory-focused games that provide necessary physical stimulation.
- Utilize tools such as large padded mats or specialized games to help children manage their sensory needs.
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Example:
"We played a game called Steamroller with the kids. They loved the physical pressure, and it was calming to them because they craved that sensory input." [07:45]
3. Establishing Mentorship and Purposeful Engagement
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Quote:
"Other people's validation can be very powerful for our kids." [08:15]
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Implementation:
- Connect children with mentors or roles outside the home that allow them to feel helpful and important.
- Encourage participation in community service, internships, or extracurricular activities that align with their interests and strengths.
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Example:
"Volunteering at an animal shelter or helping a local entrepreneur can provide your child with a sense of purpose and external validation." [08:45]
Addressing Separation and Building Independence
Kirk offers strategies to help children develop independence while managing their fear of separation:
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Gradual Separation Practice:
"Role play and give her a specific mission to focus on for even eight or 12 minutes at home in the next room." [09:30]
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Celebrating Small Wins:
"When she does it well, give intensity to that. 'Wow, nice job. That shows me you're really growing up.'" [10:00]
By slowly increasing the duration of separations and reinforcing successful attempts, parents can help their children build confidence and reduce anxiety around independence.
Tackling Persistent Sleep Issues
In response to a listener's concern about a four-year-old adopted child with severe sleep problems, Kirk provides a compassionate, albeit tentative, approach:
"I would take our child to a well-respected naturopathic doctor or a functional medicine practitioner who specializes in gut health." [12:30]
He suggests exploring alternative avenues such as gut health protocols and intense sensory exercises, while also recommending a reassessment of current medical interventions in consultation with healthcare professionals.
"Spend as much time letting her do things she genuinely enjoys... Create successes, play, laugh, just try to get some level of normalcy with very few expectations." [13:00]
Kirk emphasizes the importance of balancing therapeutic interventions with activities that provide joy and a sense of normalcy, reducing overall pressure on both the child and the family.
Closing Thoughts and Encouragement
As the episode wraps up, Kirk acknowledges the emotional exhaustion many adoptive parents feel and encourages persistence:
"You've poured your heart, your soul, your life, your finances into these kids and you give them everything you have and that's enough." [15:00]
He assures parents that while these strategies may not provide instant solutions, they offer pathways to gradual improvement and deeper familial connections.
"It's just reality... You show up and you do your best." [15:30]
Kirk concludes by expressing gratitude for the parents' resilience and dedication, reinforcing the community and support available through the Celebrate Calm platform.
Note: The timestamps provided in this summary correspond to approximate locations within the transcript and are intended to guide listeners to specific segments of the episode for a more in-depth understanding.