Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Episode Title: Anxiety, School Refusal, & Defiance: 5 Strategies That Work
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: August 14, 2024

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenges faced by parents of strong-willed and neurodivergent children who experience significant anxiety related to school. Drawing from his extensive experience working with over 1,500 children with various behavioral and learning disorders, Kirk provides actionable strategies to help parents navigate school-related anxiety, refusal, and defiance effectively.

Personal Connection to the Topic

Kirk begins by sharing his own childhood struggles with anxiety in school, highlighting the deep personal connection he feels to this issue:

"When I was a little kid in kindergarten, I sat outside on the front steps for the first three days of school and just cried. When I was in middle school, I missed 34 days of school and a lot of partial days, always at the nurse's office with a stomach ache and my mom had to come pick me up from school." [01:20]

He emphasizes that while his experiences might have seemed like simple reluctance at the time, they were manifestations of underlying anxiety.

Understanding Anxiety in Children

Kirk explains that anxiety in children often stems from the unknowns associated with new environments like school. He outlines several factors that contribute to this anxiety, especially in neurodivergent children:

• Sensory Overload: The chaos, noise, and constant movement in school halls can be overwhelming.
• Cognitive Challenges: Issues like ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities can make academic tasks more difficult.
• Social Difficulties: Asynchronous development can hinder social interactions, making it hard for children to connect with peers.
• Physical Symptoms: Anxiety often manifests through physical complaints such as stomach aches and headaches.

Five Strategies to Address School-Related Anxiety

1. Normalize Anxiety

Kirk stresses the importance of acknowledging and validating a child's anxiety rather than dismissing it. He advises parents to communicate that feeling anxious is a normal response to new and challenging situations.

"Normalize it. Of course you're nervous. You're anxious because you're going to a new school with new teachers. It would be weird if you weren't anxious." [05:45]

He cautions against over-reassuring children or pushing them towards therapy unnecessarily, advocating instead for a balanced approach that acknowledges the child's feelings without amplifying their anxiety.

2. Increase Familiarity with the School Environment

Reducing the unknowns by familiarizing the child with the school setting can significantly alleviate anxiety. Kirk suggests practical steps:

• Visit the School: Schedule tours during quieter times, such as summer breaks, to allow the child to explore without the stress of a typical school day.
• Practice Routines: Have the child practice essential school tasks, like using a locker combination, in a relaxed setting.

"Go visit the school over the summer. Let your child walk through the halls and experience the school without all the chaos and stress." [12:10]

3. Build Connections

Creating strong, supportive relationships within the school can provide children with a sense of security and belonging.

• Find a Friend: Encourage the child to form a friendship with at least one peer to provide companionship and reduce feelings of isolation.
• Identify a Supportive Adult: Connect the child with a teacher, counselor, or staff member who can offer consistent support and attention.

"Find one friend if you can and arrange it with that friend's parents. Walking into school with a friend is a lot less intimidating." [18:30]

"Find an adult at your child's school who will connect personally with them, asking about their interests and making them feel valued." [19:05]

4. Assign a Mission

Giving children a specific, manageable task or "mission" can help them feel purposeful and in control, thereby reducing anxiety.

• Early Morning Jobs: Assigning tasks such as helping set up the classroom or assisting in the office can give children a sense of responsibility and belonging.
• Small Steps for School Refusal: For children refusing to attend school, starting with small engagements like assisting after school can serve as a bridge to full participation.

"Give them a mission of some kind, something they're in control of because their whole school day is what it's all out of their control." [28:15]

"When your child wakes up in the morning, they're not going to think about the unknowns but know that someone needs their help." [24:50]

5. Control Your Own Anxiety

Kirk emphasizes that parents' anxiety can significantly impact their child's anxiety. By managing their own stress levels, parents can create a calmer environment that helps their children feel more secure.

• Model Calm Behavior: Displaying a calm demeanor can reassure children and help them manage their own emotions.
• Use Confident Communication: Instead of expressing worry, communicate confidence in the child's abilities and day ahead.

"Control your own anxiety. When I'm not anxious, that communicates confidence in them." [35:20]

"Adopt a matter-of-fact tone like you're not moved by their anxiety. Communicate confidence without convincing them." [36:05]

Practical Tips and Phrases for Parents and Teachers

Kirk shares specific phrases and strategies that can be employed by both parents and educators to support anxious children:

• For Parents:

  • Start the day with a mission.
  • Provide space for children to process emotions quietly.
  • Avoid over-reassuring statements that might amplify anxiety.

• For Teachers:

  • Use encouraging phrases like:
    • "I'm glad you're here today." [43:10]
    • "Nobody knows how much courage it took you to be here today." [44:00]
    • "I could really use your help with this project." [45:30]

"Here are some great phrases that teachers can use with your anxious child or any of your kids. It just builds confidence." [43:10]

Conclusion

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of these five strategies in managing school-related anxiety and defiance. He encourages parents to implement these approaches to create a supportive and understanding environment for their children. By normalizing anxiety, increasing familiarity with school, building connections, assigning missions, and controlling their own anxiety, parents can effectively reduce power struggles and foster a calmer, more productive relationship with their children.

"Your big win this year, moms and dads, is when you can control your own anxiety over your kids' performance in school, their lack of study skills, everything they're doing." [50:30]

Kirk also hints at upcoming episodes that will provide further tools for teachers and homeschooling parents, promising continued support for parents navigating these challenges.

Key Takeaways:

• Normalize Anxiety: Acknowledge that feeling anxious about school is normal and validate your child's feelings.
• Increase Familiarity: Reduce unknowns by familiarizing your child with the school environment through visits and practice routines.
• Build Connections: Foster relationships with peers and supportive adults within the school to create a sense of belonging.
• Assign a Mission: Provide your child with specific tasks or responsibilities to enhance their sense of purpose and control.
• Control Your Own Anxiety: Maintain a calm and confident demeanor to help your child manage their anxiety effectively.

By integrating these strategies, parents can create a supportive framework that addresses the root causes of anxiety and defiance, leading to a more harmonious school experience for their children.