Are Kids Rejecting Your Authority…Or Your Anxiety? #436 - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary
Episode: Are Kids Rejecting Your Authority…Or Your Anxiety? #436
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 5, 2025

1. Introduction: Understanding the Root of Power Struggles

In this enlightening episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, Kirk Martin delves into a common yet often misunderstood dynamic between parents and their strong-willed children. He challenges the prevailing notion that children are merely rejecting parental authority, proposing instead that they are responding to their parents' underlying anxiety.

“Your kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety.”
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

2. Personal Struggles with Parental Anxiety

Kirk opens up about his personal battle with anxiety, tracing its roots back to his childhood experiences. Growing up as the third child in a family where his father was abusive, Kirk developed a constant state of alertness and anxiety that has persisted into his adult life. This anxiety manifests as a perpetual worry about potential negative outcomes, impacting his interactions with his family.

“I was the third born in our family and my dad frequently would... hit. My mom abused my mom and sometimes my older brother.”
— Kirk Martin [01:45]

3. The Impact of Parental Anxiety on Children

Kirk explains how a parent's anxiety can inadvertently create a hostile environment, leading to strained relationships and power struggles. When parents are anxious and on edge, it often results in short tempers, snapping at family members, and becoming overly controlling. This behavior signals to children that their efforts will never be sufficient, fostering resistance and defiance.

“If I'm anxious and a little bit on edge, it causes me to be short, to snap at my family... It can also cause me to be controlling and picky about things.”
— Kirk Martin [03:10]

4. The Vicious Cycle of Lecturing and Micromanaging

Kirk highlights how parents' efforts to control every aspect of their children's lives can backfire. Constant lecturing and micromanaging stem from anxiety about the child's future and perceived deficiencies. Instead of motivating children, this behavior leads to resentment and disengagement, as children feel they can never meet their parents' unrealistic expectations.

“When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you. They discount what you say because the more words you use, the less valuable they become.”
— Kirk Martin [10:00]

5. Action Steps to Manage Parental Anxiety

Kirk offers practical strategies for parents to address and mitigate their own anxiety, thereby improving their relationship with their children.

a. Acknowledge and Identify Your Anxieties

Recognize the specific anxieties that trigger negative reactions towards your child. Understanding the root causes—such as fears of your child making the same mistakes you did or concerns about their future success—is the first step toward change.

“Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did?... You've got to recognize that that's controlling your behavior.”
— Kirk Martin [13:30]

b. Address Anxiety with Your Children

Engage in open conversations with your children about your behaviors. Apologize without overdramatizing, acknowledging that your anxiety affects them. This not only validates their feelings but also sets a precedent for accountability and change.

“Pull them aside sometimes say, hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you?... I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours.”
— Kirk Martin [15:10]

c. Replace Lecturing with Positive Reinforcement

Shift focus from criticism to recognition. Use specific, factual praise to acknowledge your children's positive behaviors and strengths, fostering their self-esteem and encouraging desirable actions.

“Simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing... Hey, you're handling that really well. Make it specific.”
— Kirk Martin [17:45]

d. Redirect Control: Do Something You Can Control

When the urge to lecture arises, engage in an activity you can manage, such as organizing a space or taking a brief walk. This helps reset your emotional state, preventing negative interactions.

“Every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, do something you can control... It'll settle you inside.”
— Kirk Martin [19:00]

e. Write Positive Notes to Your Kids

Incorporate positive affirmations through brief, heartfelt notes. Acknowledging your children's contributions and strengths can gradually shift their self-perception and improve your relationship.

“Write notes to them short... Words are very positive for our kids... One of our big breakthroughs was when Casey was playing Call of Duty all the time.”
— Kirk Martin [20:00]

f. Perspective: Recognize Your Child's Strengths

Understand that strong-willed children may excel in adult-like responsibilities but struggle with typical childhood tasks. Focus on their inherent strengths and how these can be harnessed for their future success.

“Your strong willed kids are often awful at the kid world, but they're great... You're raising a child to be a responsible adult.”
— Kirk Martin [21:00]

6. Real-Life Feedback and Success Stories

Kirk shares a heartfelt story from a listener—a father who realized his overbearing nature was harming his relationship with his children. By addressing his anxiety and changing his behavior, he witnessed a significant positive transformation in his family dynamics.

“I asked my oldest if that's how it feels to be around me,... my wife and kids have noticed. I can't thank you enough. This may have saved me and my family.”
— Listener Testimonial [19:45]

7. Conclusion: Building Healthier Parent-Child Relationships

Kirk concludes by emphasizing the importance of parents addressing their own anxieties to foster healthier, more supportive relationships with their children. By implementing the discussed strategies, parents can break negative patterns, encourage their children's natural abilities, and cultivate a positive family environment.

“Your anxiety doesn't allow you to see them. The truth is your kids do exhibit these traits... Stop dumping that parental anxiety on your kids.”
— Kirk Martin [21:05]

Kirk encourages parents to revisit the podcast and the 30 Days to Calm program to continue their journey toward a calmer, more connected family life.

Key Takeaways:

Parental anxiety significantly influences children's behavior and the parent-child relationship.
Acknowledging and managing your own anxiety can reduce power struggles and foster a more supportive environment.
Positive reinforcement and specific praise help build children's self-esteem and encourage desirable behaviors.
Open communication and accountability strengthen trust and understanding between parents and children.
Personal growth and self-care for parents are crucial in creating a harmonious family dynamic.

By addressing parental anxiety, Kirk Martin provides a pathway for parents to transform their interactions with their children, ultimately leading to more peaceful and fulfilling relationships.

Transcript

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So have you ever noticed when you try to push a strong willed child, they resist even more? Have you ever noticed when you try to kids with Come on, get in the car. Get in the car. Gotta go, gotta go. They usually move more slowly. Here's a big insight before we even get into this podcast. Your kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. So that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our New Year sale@celebrate calm.com so last week I mentioned we had completely updated our 30 days to calm program. So if you have our programs, look in your app and you'll see all new content. I went through strategies for dealing with childhood wounds, more on dealing with your triggers, on moms especially who constantly check the temperature of their home. But several parents emailed and said they listened to just the first part of that program, just the first section, the first of 10 on parental anxiety and that it was already eliminating a lot of the power struggles. So I want to focus on that and share that with you on this podcast. So this is about controlling your own personal and parental anxiety. And there are two parts of this anxiety in my experience. I personally struggle with my own anxiety. It's kind of a feeling like hey, when is the other shoe going to drop? Even though things are going well and that anxiety kind of lives in my stomach, it occasionally caused this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating for me, but it is aggravating. And I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. And I get more into this with the childhood trauma stuff. But this is not an excuse. It's not blaming my parents for anything. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was the third born in our family and my dad frequently would. I don't have good words for this hit. My mom abused my mom and sometimes my older brother. So my antenna was up constantly wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically. When I'd hear my mom screeching, right. I can remember that to this day. And the outburst and anger from my dad came from nowhere, out of the blue. So I think that's part of it. Plus, I am like your kids. I have a very, very busy brain. And so it doesn't always feel like I have control or order inside. And so things on the outside not being in order, unknowns, new experiences tend to cause me to reflexively say no. You've heard that from your strong willed kids. They just do the reflexive no. And that's not just they're not just being defiant, they're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And so here's how it affects me. If I'm anxious and a little bit on edge, it causes me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much and not be present with my loved ones. Because I'm spending so much time trying to figure out and get control of my own anxiety. It can also cause me to be controlling and picky about things. I know when I'm feeling sick physically, I get very particular about things and want everything just so. And I think that's because when I get the sense that my body is kind of out of order, so to speak, then I try to create out order outwardly. And that's usually at the expense of relationships. And that's not cool. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything. And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my own anxiety, everyone around me benefits. Look, we go through this so many times. One of the greatest gifts you give your kids, your family, is not what you do for them. It is what you do for yourself so that you don't so your own control and anxiety and perfectionism issues inside. I like that I messed up the word perfectionism. And so those things inside begin to control you. So when you work on that first man, it's a great gift to your kids and to your spouse. So I normalize anxiety. Why? Because it's pretty normal in humans. I don't deny it. I don't feel guilty about it. It just is. And it's normal. So I deal with, and I deal with that a few ways. One is I do try to set it aside just a couple minutes in the morning to reflect. I go through some of my daily affirmations because that grounds me. I go through gratitude, a recognition that everything doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture everything's going to be okay, that I don't have to control people or things. My personal faith comes into play here because that provides perspective and reassurance. And if, you know, if you follow us on Instagram, physical exercise and fresh air are key. For me, having a, a physical goal, pushing myself a bit to work off some of that ick is really helpful. You'll notice on our Instagram and TikTok, I hike a lot. It is my best therapy. So figure out what works for you. In the later parts of our program, we deal with both childhood issues and making yourself a priority. And what I always want you to know is figure out what works for you. Even if it's weird, it doesn't matter if it works for you. Do it now. The anxiety that attacks almost every single parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future. Because every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful. But your anxiety never, ever helps or works. Anxiety causes the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. Think about it. When you begin the morning morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice and they dive back under the sheets. We talked about getting the car move, move, move. They go more slowly because they know when you are in that anxious mode. Nothing they do will please you. And I'll say it again, they're not rejecting you or your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because your anxiety is screaming at them. You won't move quickly enough and I'll get more and more frustrated and we're going to be aggravated at each other for the next hour. They can feel that your strong will kids are very sensitive kids and they can feel that that's why your tone of voice is so important. They pick up on those things. Your kids are a little barometer for you. They know what mood you're in before every morning before you know what mood you're in. And I'm talking about little kids that are 2 and 3 and 4 and definitely your older kids. Look, when you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you. They discount what you say because the more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious at picking out all their flaws. They fight you. And when you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. And the truth is that you and I create. I believe we create about 80% of the power struggles in our home over issues that don't even matter. It's all because of our own anxiety. Think about this. And there's no blame or guilt in this. I just want us to realize the things we're doing that are sabotaging our efforts and our relationships. Because here's the worst thing. Not only does it not work, it hurts your relationship. You're not even getting one benefit from it. When you lecture your kids, it sends this message to them. I don't trust you to make a good decision. So I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't really do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me. You're saying this. I don't really believe you can be successful. That's why I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions. Because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to get on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy sometimes. Because if you don't turn out well, well then that means I will have been a failure. And I can't live with that. Look, this is multiplied with your strong willed kids because you have family members and friends telling you all the time, you better come down hard on that kid. You're doing it wrong. And so you're going to second guess yourself. It's hard. You're also saying this. The problem isn't really yours, it's mine. See, I have this vision of how life was supposed to be. And I feel compelled to make our family life perfect, but I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so, because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Think about that for a moment. I want you to be free moms and dads from this pressure and that burden. And look, if you have a strong willed child, they're simply not going to live up to your expectations. They may do the bare minimum to get by, they appear selfish, they don't try their hardest, they fight you over everything and they make even easy things hard. And your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized and unmotivated. And so your natural response is to project into the future and think, how is this child ever going to be successful? You may even think, who is going to marry this child? Who's going to hire this child? And this can begin early, like in preschool when your child can't sit still in circle time and they're already getting in trouble. And you project 18 years into the future, it will flare up throughout elementary school. And then in middle school you've got a child who just sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games. And that's really normal. But if not checked, your parental anxiety will have devastating effects on your family. See, our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses, all of the negative traits. And we lecture and we micromanage. If you would just apply yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. But realize those are unrealistic expectations that none of us keep. You do not try your hardest at everything, only the things you care about. But we want our kids to try their hardest at the things we care about. And I promise you moms and dads that once you step back and you give your kids some space, they will step up. But not if you are micromanaging them. They will. Their development will be delayed. They're not going to do it while you're watching them because then you're just going to be on them all the time. See, this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. And what they know is they can never satisfy your parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. And this focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles in a kid who is not confident and it destroys the relationship. So let's reverse this. Here are a few action steps I want you to take. So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping. So we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't have what you want. 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Why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's a big one for many of us Is it because your kids embarrass you, maybe in front of your family? That's your issue to deal with. Is it simply because you're afraid they won't succeed? Look, those are normal, legitimate concerns that you have, but you've got to recognize that that's controlling your behavior and it's actually getting you the exact opposite response. So work on that. Number two, address this with your child or your kids. If appropriate. You may pull them aside sometimes say, hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? Like, you can't really do anything to please me. And listen to them. They may just say, yeah, that's what it feels like. Okay, I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours. Notice that the apology is not groveling. And you're not going on and on, I am so sorry that I have done this. Don't do that. It creates so much drama and your kids are going to look at you like, why don't you just stop it? So acknowledge it. And sometimes it's validating or healing for your child to hear you say that. And it also introduces some accountability to you in order to change. And I just had a dad email this morning, and he said this. This was awesome. Said, my mom asked me to listen. My mom, my wife asked me to listen to your downloads after Thanksgiving, and I'm your typical skeptical guy, blah, blah, blah. But when I heard you speaking about parental anxiety, it actually gave words to a feeling of unease that I've had since we had our kids. I never intended to be this overbearing guy who can't be pleased. I love my kids, but then I'll react or just go on and on. And I can see them getting so dispirited and down on themselves. And then I beat myself up for it. But for the first time, I understand the root of it. I asked my oldest if that's how it feels to be around me, that they can't please me. And he said, dad, we know you love us. We just are confused and why you don't seem to like us or be happy with us. And the dad said, that just crushed me. And he said, I'm happy to say in the last month I've been ruthlessly focused on changing myself and controlling my own anxiety. And my wife and kids have noticed. I can't thank you enough. This may have saved me and my family. Look, kudos to you, sir, to all of the moms, all the dads out there who are open and honest with Yourself, you are breaking patterns that you probably learned from your own parents. Some of these are decades old and you're creating a new family tree. So so much respect for you doing that. Number three, the best apology is actually just changing your behavior for the next week. Do this for the next week. Simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing. Well, just notice and recognize it. The praise is simply a statement of fact. Right? It's. Yeah, you're handling that really well. Hey, nice job. Make it specific. Use an even matter of fact tone. Don't draw too much attention to it because you know if you praise your strong will kids, kids on and on, they will often reject your praise because it doesn't square with how they feel inside and it creates too much pressure on them like they're supposed to always do it well. So I like very specific, concrete praise and just find a couple choices they have made. It's like planting a lot of little seeds and then walking away and giving it space to sink in. Here are a couple. Hey, when your sister looked at you and said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up. And then a little fist bump and walk away. You just planted a little seed. Hey, I noticed you lost at the board game earlier and I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and you said good game to your brother. A lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I know you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized. It's a really mature way to handle it. See that those are those little seeds that you're planting are extremely important. And I encourage you if you do have your program. Our programs listen to the Discipline that Works program because I go into a lot of specifics on a lot of examples on how to praise your kids like this and change their behavior. Notice when they use their creativity, their ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, pigheaded determination, that problem solving.