← Calm Parenting Podcast
Calm Parenting Podcast
Are Kids Rejecting Your Authority…Or Your Anxiety?
00:27:43
We can very quickly stop 80% of power struggles with our kids. And it has nothing to do with controlling their behavior—only our own anxiety. Our anxiety compels us to lecture and micromanage…and that causes kids to resist you even more! Kirk gives you 6 practical action steps to stop this dynamic now!
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Kirk Martin
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So have you ever noticed when you try to push a strong willed child, they resist even more? Have you ever noticed when you try to rush your kids with Come on, get in the car, get in the car. Gotta go, gotta go. Usually move more slowly. Here's a big insight before we even get into this podcast. Your kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. So that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our new year's sale at celebratecalm. Com so last week I mentioned we had completely updated our 30 days to calm program. So if you have our programs, look in your app and you'll see all new content. I went through strategies for dealing with childhood wounds. More on dealing with your triggers on moms especially who constantly check the temperature of their home. But several parents emailed and said they listened to just the first part of that program, just the first section, the first of 10 on parental anxiety, and that it was already eliminating a lot of the power struggles. So I want to focus on that and share that with you on this podcast. So this is about controlling your own personal and parental anxiety. And there are two parts of this anxiety in my experience. I personally struggle with my own anxiety. It's kind of feeling like, hey, when is the other shoe going to drop? Even though things are going well. And that anxiety kind of lives in my stomach, it occasionally caused this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating for me but, but it is aggravating. And I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid and I get more into this with the childhood trauma stuff. But this is not an excuse. It's not blaming my parents for anything. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was the third born in our family and my dad frequently would. I don't have good words for this hit. My mom abused my mom and sometimes my older brother. So my antenna was up. Constantly wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically. When I'd hear my mom screeching, right. I can remember that to this day. And the outburst and anger from my dad came from nowhere, out of the blue. So I think that's part of it. Plus, I am like your kids. I have a very, very busy brain and so it doesn't always feel like I have control or order inside. And so on the outside not being in order, unknowns, new experiences tend to cause me to reflexively say no. You've heard that from your strong willed kids. They just do the reflexive no. And that's not just they're not just being defiant. They're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And so here's how it affects me. If I'm anxious and a little bit on edge, it causes me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much and not be present with my loved ones because I'm spending so much time trying to figure out and get control of my own Anxiety, it can also cause me to be controlling and picky about things. I know when I'm feeling sick physically, I get very particular about things things and want everything just so. And I think that's because when I get the sense that my body is kind of out of order, so to speak, then I try to create out order outwardly. And that's usually at the expense of relationships. And that's not cool. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything. And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my own anxiety, everyone around me benefits. Look, we go through this so many times. One of the greatest gifts you give your kids, your family, is not what you do for them. It is what you do for yourself so that you don't so your own control and anxiety and perfectionism issues inside. I like that I messed up the word perfectionism. And so those things inside begin to control you. So when you work on that first man, it's a great gift to your kids and to your spouse. So I normalize anxiety. Why? Because it's pretty normal in humans. I don't deny it. I don't feel guilty about it. It just is. And it's normal. So I deal with it. And I deal with that a few ways. One is I do try to set it aside just a couple minutes in the morning to reflect. I go through some of my daily affirmations because that grounds me. I go through gratitude, a recognition that everything doesn't have to be solved now, that in the larger picture everything's going to be okay, that I don't have to control people or things. My personal FAI comes into play here because that provides perspective and reassurance. And if, you know, if you follow us on Instagram, physical exercise and fresh air are key. For me, having a physical goal, pushing myself a bit to work off some of that ick is really helpful. You'll notice on our Instagram and TikTok, I hike a lot is my best therapy. So figure out what works for you. In the later parts of our program, we deal with both childhood issues and making yourself a priority. And what I always want you to know is figure out what works for you. Even if it's weird, it doesn't matter if it works for you. Do it now. The anxiety that attacks almost every single parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future. Because every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful. But your anxiety Never, ever helps or works. Anxiety causes the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. Think about it. When you begin the morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice and they dive back under the sheets we talked about. Get in the car. Move, move, move. They go more slowly because they know when you are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. And I'll say it again, they are not rejecting you or your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because your anxiety is screaming at them. You won't move quickly enough and I'll get more and more frustrated and we're going to be aggravated at each other for the next hour. They can feel that your strong will. Kids are very sensitive kids and they can feel that. That's why your tone of voice is so important. They pick up on those things. Your kids are a little barometer for you. They know what mood you're in before every morning before you know what mood you're in. And I'm talking about little kids that are 2 and 3 and 4 and definitely your older K. Look, when you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you. They discount what you say because the more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious at picking out all their flaws. They fight you. And when you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. And the truth is that you and I create. I believe we create about 80% of the power struggles in our home over issues that don't even matter. It's all because of our own anxiety. Think about this. And there's no blame or guilt in this. I just want us to realize the things we're doing that are sabotaging our efforts and our relationships. Because here's the worst. The worst thing, not only does it not work, it hurts your relationship. You're not even getting one benefit from it. When you lecture your kids, it sends this message to them. I don't trust you to make a good decision. So I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't really do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son or daughter. It's about me. You're saying this. I don't really believe you can be successful. That's why I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that Time cultivating your natural gifts and passions. Because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to get on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes. And I'm more worried about my own legacy sometimes. Because if you don't turn out well, well then that means I will have been a failure. And I can't live with that. Look, this is multiplied with your strong willed kids because you have family members and friends telling you all the time, you better come down hard on that kid. You're doing it wrong. And so you're going to second guess yourself. It's hard. You're also saying this. The problem isn't really yours, it's mine. See, I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect. But I can't. And so I'm going to try, try to make all these little insignificant things just so. Because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Think about that for a moment. I want you to be free moms and dads from this pressure and that burden. And look, if you have a strong willed child, they're simply not going to live up to your expectations. They may do the bare minimum to get by, they appear selfish, they don't try their hardest, they fight you over everything. And they make even easy things hard. And your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized and unmotivated. And so your natural response is to project into the future and think, how is this child ever going to be successful? You may even think, who is going to marry this child? Who's going to hire this child? And this can begin early, like in preschool when your child can't sit still in circle time and they're already getting in trouble. And you project 18 years into the future, it will flare up throughout elementary school. And then in middle school you've got a child who just sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games. And that's really normal. But if not checked, your parental anxiety will have devastating effects on your family. See, our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses, all of the negative traits. And we lecture and we micromanage. If you would just apply yourself, you're capable of so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. But realize those are unrealistic expectations that none of us keep. You do not try your hardest at everything, only the things you care about. But we want our kids to try their hardest at the things we care about. And I promise you moms and dads that once you step back and you give your kids some space, they will step up. But not if you are micromanaging them. Their development will be delayed. They're not going to do it while you're watching them because then you're just going to be on them all the time. See, this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. And what they know is they can never satisfy your parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. And this focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles in a kid who is not confident and it destroys the relationship. So let's reverse this. Here are a few action steps I want you to take. So like us, many of you have kids and a spouse with different food preferences and tastes and that can make grocery shopping and meal planning stressful and timely consuming. And that's why our family loves hungryroot. Hungryroot takes care of the grocery shopping and meal ideas for you. They deliver high quality food tailor made to your family's diet preferences and tastes with recipes that can be made in 15 minutes or less. We love that Hungry Root refuses to include high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners or preservatives in any of their food. You're going to love hungryroot as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM. That's hungryroot.com calm code CALM to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Hungryroot.com calm code calm so you know I like simple strategies you can use every day to make a difference. The same goes with my gut, health and immune support. That's why I love the simplicity of beginning every single day with my AG1 routine. This is one easy habit I actually wake up and look forward to because AG1 helps me feel more energized, regular and mentally sharp. So this new year, try AG1 for yourself. It's the perfect time to start a new healthy habit. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer that's drinkag1.com calm to start your new year on a healthier note. Number one, first, just acknowledge this pattern is happening in your home. Why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's a big one for many of us. Is it because your kids embarrass you, maybe in front of your family? That's your issue to deal with? Is it simply because you're afraid they won't succeed? Look, those are normal, legitimate concerns that you have, but you've got to recognize that that's controlling your behavior and it's actually getting you the exact opposite response. So work on that. Number two, address this with your child or your kids. If appropriate. You may pull them aside sometimes, say, hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you? Like, you can't really do anything to please me? And listen to them. They may just say, yeah, that's what it feels like. Okay, I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours. Notice that the apology is not groveling and you're not going on and on, I'm so sorry that I have done this. Don't do that. It creates so much drama and your kids are going to look at you like, why don't you just stop it? So acknowledge it. And sometimes it's validating or healing for your child to hear you say that. And it also introduces some accountability to you in order to change. And I just had a dad email this morning, and he said this. This was awesome. Said, my mom asked me to listen. My mom, my wife asked me to listen to your downloads after Thanksgiving, and I'm your typical skeptical guy, blah, blah, blah. But when I heard you speaking about parental anxiety, it. It actually gave words to a feeling of unease that I've had since we had our kids. I never intended to be this overbearing guy who can't be pleased. I love my kids, but then I'll react or just go on and on. And I can see them getting so dispirited and down on themselves. And then I beat myself up for it. But for the first time, I understand the root of it. I asked my oldest if that's how it feels to be around me, that they can't please me. And he said, dad, we know you love us. We just are confused and why you don't seem to like us or be happy with us. And the dad said, that just crushed me. And he said, I'm happy to say in the last month I've been ruthlessly focused on changing myself and controlling my own anxiety and my wife and kids have noticed. I can't thank you enough. This may have saved me and my family. Look, kudos to you sir, to all of the moms, all the dads out there who are open and honest with yourself, who are you are breaking patterns that you probably learned from your own parents. Some of these are decades old and you're creating a new family tree. So so much respect for you doing that. Number three, the best apology is actually just changing your behavior for the next week. Do this for the next week. Simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing. Well, just notice and recognize it. The praise is simply a statement of fact. Right? It's. Yeah, you're handling that really well. Hey, nice job. Make it specific. Use an even matter of fact tone. Don't draw too much attention to it because you know if you praise your strong will kids on and on, they will often reject your praise because it doesn't square with how they feel inside and it creates too much pressure on them like they're supposed to always do it well. So I like very specific, concrete praise and just find a couple choices they have made. It's like planting a lot of little seeds and then walking away and giving it space to sink in. Here are a couple. Hey, when your sister looked at you and said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up. And then a little fist bump and walk away. You just planted a little seed. Hey, I noticed you lost at the board game earlier and I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and you said good game to your brother. A lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I know you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized. It's a really mature way to handle it. See, those little seeds that you're planting are extremely important. And I encourage you, if you do have our programs, listen to the Discipline that Works program. Because I go into a lot of specifics on a lot of examples on how to praise your kids like this and change their behavior. Notice when they use their creativity, their ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, pigheaded determination. That problem solving. Notice that find areas in which your kids excel. And here's the cool part. When you begin doing this, you will change how your kids view themselves. You will also change how you view them and their future. And I remember as a dad thinking, like, well, if I just praise my son, he's going to get soft and not try hard. You know what I discovered? The exact opposite happened. The more that I recognized Casey, small little steps he was taking, the harder he actually worked for me. Look, he wanted to please me as his dad, but he didn't always know how to do it. And so when I began noticing and saying, hey, I really like how you made that decision you made, he wanted to make more of those decisions. It's really cool how it works. Okay, number four, every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, do something you can control. Sometimes I would just go to the garage and organize for 10 or 15 minutes because that was something I could control, that was not a human. So think about what is what. What is calming to you in that way. What do you like to do with your hands or something that you feel in control of because that'll settle you inside. I'd also just sit down because I can do that anywhere. And it's really hard to yell and lecture when you're sitting down. You feel stupid. So begin to catch yourself and just reset. Sometimes early on, I would ask Casey to use a code word when I began to lecture, because that was second nature to me. So I needed a reminder until I learned some new habits. Give you a bonus tip here. When you get anxious in traffic one morning or afternoon this week, and you know how it is, you're riding someone's bumper and you're, like, frustrated, like, I'm late and you're all aggravated. Instead, purposefully allow one other person, not two, just one person, to cut in front of you when you're annoyed and in a hurry at the grocery store, after work or at the post office, allow one person to cut in front of you. It gives you power back over the situation because you decided that you made someone else day. And it will help relieve your anxiety. And it is a really great tool to model for your kids. Number five, I encourage some of you with older kids, write notes to them short. Don't write them five pages or three pages short. Sweet note. Leave it in an envelope, put it under their pillow, slide it under their door. Because words are very positive for our kids. And a lot of our kids have only heard negative words for the first four or seven or 10 or 15 years of their lives. And what happens is, the more that you say this, the more that you actually begin to believe it. One of our big breakthroughs was when Casey was playing Call of Duty. All the time. And I thought he was never going to do anything productive in life. And then I realized he did exhibit many of the traits necessary for success in life, just not how or when I wanted. And so I began to say things like this. Hey, Casey, you know what I've noticed? You are goal oriented, driven, you are persistent and a leader. And you know when I see those traits? When you're playing Call of Duty because you never give up. You don't do your homework, you don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't pee until you have won or gotten to the next level of your video games. I'm kind of kidding with that, but you know what I mean. They don't do other things. And what that tells you is when something is important to them, they can prioritize and they are persistent. And so what I told him is what I've learned is when you do care about something, you are goal oriented, you're driven, and you're persistent. I see you being a leader when you play. And I could add to this and say when he was helping out neighbors, when he was working a job outside the home, he was all of the things that I wanted to see, just not at doing chores and schoolwork. So I would say, one day when you get a vision for your life, you are going to use those traits to crush it. And then I would walk out of the room and drink. I'm kidding. I'm not a big drinker. But you're going to feel like it sometimes because, like, when are we ever going to see these traits in positive ways? They're there. Your anxiety doesn't allow you to see them. The truth is your kids do exhibit these traits, usually with other adults, which is good because that's what you're raising them to do. Be adults and live in the adult world, just not with chores and schoolwork. So you have to be the grown up and see that you have to fight your parental anxiety. You create a vision of who your child can be, not just what you see right now. So stop dumping that parental anxiety on your kids. And then the last thing, number six is perspective, your strong will. Kids are often awful at the kid world, but they're great in the adult world. I used to joke at all of our live events. Oh, Cayce was virtually useless as a kid. Now it was kind of true. But if you gave him an adult responsibility, he was conscientious. He was conscientious. He followed through. Adults loved him. Well, the good news is you're not raising a child to be a child. You're raising them to be responsible adults. So remind yourself of that. Give them adult jobs. When I was recording, so when I was recording this new program, I kind of stopped right here and I said, look, if you stop listening to this program right now and worked on this alone for the next week, for the next month, it would make a big difference in your home immediately. And I think that's true with even this podcast. So let's work on this this week. Focus on these particular action steps in your own anxiety. You're not going to solve it in a week, but the more you listen to this podcast again and again, let your kids listen to this podcast and say, is this what it feels like for you? I promise you, your kids are so insightful. You'll be opening up and having these great conversations instead of arguing about chores and homework and things that don't matter in the long run. You're teaching them how to be good humans and you're teaching them, hey, I'm working on my own issues here. That is invaluable in life. So let's do that this week. Moms and dads, hey, much respect for you. If we can help you in any way, reach out to us. We do have a new year sale on. If you want the programs, just go and get those. If you need help financially, just reach out to us. We're just a family like you. So love you all. Respect you. Talk to you soon. Bye.