Calm Parenting Podcast: "Are You Excusing Behavior...Or Changing It? A Challenge! #450"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: February 19, 2025

In episode #450 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, celebrated parent educator Kirk Martin delves deep into the nuanced approach of distinguishing between excusing and effectively changing children’s challenging behaviors. This episode, titled "Are You Excusing Behavior...Or Changing It? A Challenge!", offers parents actionable strategies to transform power struggles, defiance, and everyday irritations into opportunities for bonding and growth.

Transforming Irritating Situations into Bonding Moments

Kirk opens the discussion by acknowledging the everyday frustrations parents face with strong-willed children who resist authority and defy expectations. He emphasizes the importance of shifting perspective from seeing these behaviors as nuisances to viewing them as avenues for deeper connection.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "I want you to be the one who is different."

The Story of Transformation: A Daughter’s Midnight Project

Kirk shares a compelling story sent by a mother who handled her daughter's late-night project work with remarkable composure and understanding. Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, the mother chose to affirm her daughter's effort and conscientiousness.

Kirk Martin [03:15]: "You got your project done. You stayed up till the middle of the night when it was done. You were conscientious. You cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up. You were focused late at night. You got it done, and I'm proud of you."

This affirmation not only validated the daughter's hard work but also strengthened their relationship. The mother resisted the automatic response to lecture her daughter and instead chose to celebrate her daughter's dedication.

Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior

Kirk explains that behaviors often deemed problematic are manifestations of how a child’s brain operates, especially in children with conditions like ADHD, OCD, ODD, or ASD. He highlights procrastination not merely as laziness but as a tool for brain stimulation.

Kirk Martin [05:45]: "Procrastination is a tool. It's not always my favorite or the best tool, but it is an effective, effective tool because when you procrastinate and wait till the last minute, now you have a very definitive time limit and there's pressure and that adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate."

By recognizing these underlying motivations, parents can better address the behaviors without judgment or punishment.

Practical Strategies for Parents

Kirk outlines several strategies for parents to implement in various challenging scenarios:

1. Affirm the Positive Intentions:

   • Acknowledge the child's effort and creativity before addressing the consequences.

   Kirk Martin [07:10]: "Hey, you got your project done. You were clutch under pressure. You were focused and conscientious. It's well done."

2. Understand and Teach Instead of Shaming:

   • Engage in conversations to understand why the child acted a certain way and educate them on alternative methods.

   Kirk Martin [08:25]: "Instead of saying, 'Why are you doing it my way?', ask, 'Why do you do it this way?' Slow your world down."

3. Encourage Responsibility Without Overwhelming Consequences:

   • Implement natural consequences that relate directly to the child's actions without piling on additional punishments.

   Kirk Martin [09:40]: "You're going to have to do some chores around the house in order to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows. There's nothing mean about that."

4. Promote Autonomy and Ownership:

   • Allow children to take ownership of their actions and decisions, fostering a sense of responsibility and self-awareness.

   Kirk Martin [10:15]: "Your kids begin to look to you as a source of wisdom, as someone they trust because you're just not commenting all the time on negative what they're doing wrong."

Insights and Long-Term Benefits

Kirk emphasizes that this approach not only resolves immediate conflicts but also builds a foundation of trust and mutual respect. Over time, children are more likely to seek guidance and support from their parents rather than react defensively.

Kirk Martin [09:00]: "Now, what we're really achieving here is shifting the dynamic from confrontation to collaboration. Your child doesn't feel like the bad kid or the kid who can never please you."

Weekly Challenge for Parents

To encourage the application of these principles, Kirk presents a weekly challenge:

1. Identify an Irritating Behavior: Choose a specific behavior that frequently causes frustration.
2. Flip the Script: Instead of reacting negatively, seek to understand the underlying reasons.
3. Affirm and Educate: Praise the positive aspects of the behavior and teach alternative strategies.
4. Implement Natural Consequences: Use related and fair consequences to guide future actions.
5. Foster Open Communication: Encourage children to discuss their struggles and seek help proactively.

Kirk Martin [10:00]: "Pick a behavior or a situation that comes up or that irritates you a lot. Flip around the script in your brain from 'why can't they do it my way?' to 'why do they always have to do it this way?'"

Conclusion

In wrapping up the episode, Kirk reinforces the importance of patience, empathy, and strategic thinking in parenting. By understanding and addressing the root causes of challenging behaviors, parents can cultivate stronger, more positive relationships with their children.

Kirk Martin [10:30]: "Let’s try that this week. Let’s pick a behavior that irritates us and apply these strategies. You'll be amazed at the transformation."

For additional support and resources, Kirk encourages parents to explore Celebrate Calm's programs, which are designed to assist both parents and children in navigating complex behaviors with grace and effectiveness.

Key Takeaways:

• Affirm Effort Over Outcome: Recognize and praise the child's hard work, even if the outcome isn't perfect.
• Understand Brain Function: Acknowledge that behaviors are often tied to how a child's brain operates.
• Teach and Guide: Use positive reinforcement and natural consequences to guide behavior.
• Foster Open Communication: Encourage children to express their needs and seek help when necessary.
• Build Trust and Respect: Shift from a confrontational dynamic to a collaborative relationship.

By implementing these strategies, parents can effectively change challenging behaviors without resorting to excuses or punitive measures, fostering a more harmonious and understanding family environment.