← Calm Parenting Podcast
Calm Parenting Podcast
Are You Excusing Behavior...Or Changing It? A Challenge! #450
00:24:49
Your toddler finds scissors and mangles her bangs, your boys ruin your good pillows fighting outside, your tween/teen procrastinates until 2am to complete an assignment. You would be justified and right to lecture and give them consequences. But this week, I am challenging you to do something very different when your child misbehaves....that will actually change their behavior more quickly.
Loading summary
Transcript3 lines
- [00:00]
A
So we have a nephew that's really bright but he struggles in a couple classes and I asked him why he enjoys using IXL learning programs so much. He said with IXL he can learn at his own speed and do it independently. And you know, our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands. And he said, IXL makes me feel smart again. I encourage you to check out ixl.com kirk to learn how IXL can enrich your homeschool curriculum from K to 12. IXL gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. It's hard to be the best parent possible when you are tired or don't feel like yourself. So let's improve your sleep quality with Hormone harmony, America's number one hormone balancing system. Just go to happy mammoth.com and use code CALM to get 15% off your first order. Look. Whether you struggle with night sweats, poor sleep, sleep or irritability, Hormone Harmony can help. Plus, Hormone Harmony promotes healthy weight loss and curbs carb cravings. Hormone Harmony contains science backed herbal extracts called adaptogens that help the body adapt to stressors like chaotic hormonal changes that just happen naturally throughout a woman's life. The biggest benefit? I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over in 30,000 reviews of hormone Harmony. Time to feel like yourself again moms and sleep better. For a limited time you can get 15% off your entire first order at happy mammoth.com with the code CALM. At checkout, that's happy mammoth.com with the code Calm. So you have kids who are going to do things in a way that really irritates you. You have kids who are going to do things in a way that you don't approve of or not the way you want them to. Your little kids, when they clean up a mess, they use good clothes, clean clothes to do it. Or two kids are using really your nice pillows off the sofa in order to body slam each other outside ruining the pillows. A daughter cuts her bangs. Your teen or tween stays up all night long to do a project. And I have a challenge for you this week. I want you to be able to turn into irritating situations, into bonding ones. And I had this fantastic story I've been waiting for weeks to share with you. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale@celebratecalm.com so here's such a cool story. Now, this is for older kids, but then I will apply this to toddlers, elementary age, whatever ages your kids are. So a mom had written and told me this story. She said, I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the light was on in my daughter's bedroom at 2am and I knew it was happening. She was up completing a project that should have been completed many days before. And she said, I was so frustrated with her and I wanted to go in and I wanted to lecture her and get all over her, but instead she said, I actually went into my bathroom, I pulled up the app with your programs, and I just started listening because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I knew I needed to reset. And I found this section where you were kind of talking about this. And she said, I went back to sleep and I got up in the morning. Now, here's what the mom said she wanted to say, you know what, honey, if you would have just started on Tuesday, you. You would have had it done on time. You need to learn to be more organized and proactive, and I can actually show you how to do that. You know what? You're going to be tired all day long and probably crabby. Now, there was no need for you to stay up all night like that. That's what your child is expecting to hear. And 999,999 parents will handle it that way. I want you to be the one who is different. So here's what this amazing mom did because she fought her own anxiety and control issues and all of those feelings of, like, why does my daughter have to do it like this? Why does she make things so difficult on herself? And why does she cause me so much anxiety? Instead, the mom got up, her daughter came downstairs, she gave her daughter a fist bump and said, you know what? That was clutch. You got your project done. You stayed up until the middle of the night when it was done. You were conscientious. You cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up. You were focused late at night. You got it done, and I'm proud of you. And she said the look on her daughter's face was priceless. And her daughter said, but, mom, aren't you mad at me? And the mom said, look, some of this you're just going to have to fight through because inside you are frustrated and irritated. But the mom said, why would I be mad at you? You got it done. Done. You just didn't do it the way I would have done it. But you did get it done. You were clutch, you came through under pressure. You were focused and conscientious. It's well done. And mom walked away. Now, here is the really cool thing and why I've been waiting. Because what I told the mom is your daughter will eventually come to you and say, mom, Mom, I don't want to be up till the middle of the night every time doing these. Can you help me? Well, it is now three weeks later, which is not bad because I told the mom, it could be three months, it could be sometime, it could be three years from now. But the daughter came to her because she had said along the way, hey, Mom. She can always say, hey, look, if you need some help with that, if you want to learn how to organize and do that, just let me know sometime. And. And then you walk out of the room. Well, here's what's really cool. The daughter finally came to her after this happened a couple more times and said, mom, I'm tired of doing it this way. Can you help me with this? And this was really cool. Now the daughter's asking for help. Remember we've talked about that in a lecturing series we did about drawing your kids so that they come asking you. And so the mom gave her the ADHD University program and said, honey, I think this is going to help you. And they've had talks about like, hey, this isn't some, this isn't a disorder. There's nothing wrong with your brain. It just works differently. And time management will probably never be your strong suit, but you have to learn how to manage your energy because you work on momentum. You're a highly sensitive person, so you feel, feel things deeply. And so they had this amazing talk now about how the daughter's brain works. They had a great talk about the fact that the mom's brain works in a very different way. And she's kind of more of a left brain, very, very project manager person. And so what the mom said is, previously it would have just been her lecturing, getting on her daughter. Her daughter would have shut down once again, felt like, I'm a failure. I can never please my parents. I'm not as good as my brother. And instead they're having this conversation. Now the daughter is starting to take ownership over this herself because she's understanding how her brain works. So I know when I go through this there's going to be questions, well, aren't you just excusing her behavior? And answer is no. The daughter in this situation already knows that it's suboptimal to wait until the last night to wait until 2am but what she didn't realize and didn't know was she does this for a couple reasons. One, you're really sensitive kids. They're sensitive. All the chaos and commotion in the house and sometimes they stay up late at night because that's after everybody goes to bed and they can think more clearly, they can process information more clearly when it's kind of just quiet like that. And there's also a brain stimulation issue. Procrastination is a tool. It's not always my favorite or the best tool, but it is an effective tool because when you procrastinate and wait till the last minute, now you have a very definitive time limit and there's pressure and that adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate. So now watch. The mom is getting to teach her daughter, this is why you did it. It's not because you're lazy and careless and you don't follow through. It's like, no, this is how your brain works. But now I can teach you a way to get that brain stimulation in more productive and healthy ways so you don't have to wait until last night till 2 o'clock in the morning. See? And there's also like, well, aren't you going to give her a consequence? Well, no, she already has a consequence, which is she is tired. There's no need to pile on here on this child. And here's what's really cool. The mom in this case, you just spoke truth. You said, hey, you did come through in the last minute. You were conscientious and focused. At 2:00am you, you got it done. And that, that allowed her. Because the mom was able to step out of her own anxiety over like, oh, is my daughter always going to do this? What's it going to be like in the future? And the own anxiety of like, I really want the job done more quickly because sometimes as parents it's like, please get that done because then I can kind of mentally check it off of my list. And she had to step out of her own control issues over how she would do it. And that's really powerful. And then guess what happens now a few weeks later. I know we wanted the daughter that day to say, mother, could you please show me a different way to do my projects. It came, but it came a few weeks later when the daughter was ready. I love that. So what if you have younger kids? Let's go through some different situations and I want to give you some insight that's really important for your strong willed kids, for you to understand them. Many of us have kids who struggle with an overly rigid diet. Some kids are eating uncontrollably and they're feeling a lot of shame. Any behavior around food that is affecting your kids physical or mental health needs to be taken seriously. If your child's eating habits are interfering with their daily life, it might be time to seek support. And that's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is an evidence based eating disorder treatment program that provides you with virtual evidence based care so your child can heal at home. Each family has access to a team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider, and mentors with lived experience. Your family gets dedicated wraparound support that helps your child achieve lasting recovery at home. If you're concerned at all about your child's relationship with food, don't wait to get an expert's advice. Visit Equip Health Calm for a free consultation with Equip. That's Equip Health Calm.
- [12:40]
B
So a mom emailed I have two picky eaters at home. One is 8 and the other is 38. Her husband what I love about Hungryroot is that I can order meals tailored to our needs without going down 14 different aisles. And Hungryroot now knows our preferences, so they recommend meals I wouldn't have even thought of. Now everyone is happy with their meals. We're not stressed, we're not eating out as much, and my son loves opening the Hungry Root box after school. Hungryroot has made Mealtime fun for us again. I think you're going to love Hunger Root as much as this family does, as much as we do. So take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM. That's hungryroot.com calm code CALM to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm so here's.
- [13:50]
A
Another kind of real Life example of these two boys who they like to wrestle a lot. And one day when no one was looking, they took the good pillows off the sofa and they got duct tape and they tied the pillows to themselves so they could go outside and wrestle and throw themselves against each other without getting hurt. Well, what happens? Well, they kind of ruined the pillows and they were all dirty. And so the natural response of any parent is, what were you guys? What were you thinking? Like, what were you thinking? Now you ruined my pillows. And see that now we go down that negative route. So does that mean we just say, you know, guys, I love when you ruin my stuff? No, but my first step is to just control myself for a moment and take the get the larger picture, larger perspective. That's partly why I like to be calm, is because it slows my world down inside so I can see situations in a different way. There will be a consequence for this, but the first thing I want to tell my kids is, hey, awesome job being outside playing together. Because how many of us, we complain, they're on their screens all the time. Why won't you go out and play? And then when they do go out and play, they don't do it in a way you want because they get dirty and messy or they throw something at a neighbor's house. So, hey, you guys were outside playing. That was really smart. You knew that you were going to throw yourselves at each other and wrestle, so you did it in a really safe way. That's a really creative solution to that. Well done. And again, just think, your kids, they don't think think things through. That's why consequences are very limited, especially for younger kids, because they don't stop in that moment and think, huh, let's think this through, brother or sister, do you think mom or dad will be upset at us if we do that? They don't. They're impulsive because that's what you're supposed to be when you're a kid, impulsive and go do stuff. And so they know after they get done playing, when mom or dad comes out, the pillows are ruined. So when you first come out, you're like, hey, nice job playing outside. That was smart. You didn't get hurt. Very creative. It's like, here's another part. Before we get to the consequence, it gives you some insight. These are kids who have some sensory processing needs. It makes their bodies feel settled in order to get that physical pressure. So that gives you an opportunity now to say, hey, if I don't want my kids using the pillows, throwing Themselves at each other. I can sign them up for martial arts class. Getting involved in rock climbing. Just had a parent whose son wanted to do ballet. And just think about that. Just thinking ballet, how intense that is. And that physical pressure on your body, man, that's really, really healthy. Swimming, ice hockey. Our son did because he liked to throw himself at other kids. You know, shoveling mulch in the backyard, doing that heavy work is really good for them. Now, you don't just have to be some permissive parenting. Oh, I just love it when my boys are creative and destroy my house. It's not what I'm saying. So at the end of this, you can say, hey, guys, love your creativity. Love that how that happened. But you just ruined. Destroyed the two pillows. And so you're going to have to do some chores around the house in order to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows. There's nothing mean about that. There's nothing that that's appropriate because you did encourage them. You recognized all the good things, but you're also saying, hey, next time think it through a little bit more or come tell me, hey, mom, we want to throw ourselves at each other. You got a better way to do that without ruining your pillows? You could also go to a thrift store, which I love, and buy stuff there that they can now use or have them buy it because it's really cheap there. So that in the future when they want to do things and destroy something, it's just something you got from a thrift store. What about same thing, like, little girl or little boy? This was me when I was a little kid. I don't know why. When I was a little kid, I got scissors and I just cut my hair, and then I hid in the cabinet underneath the sink. My mom couldn't find me. This is back in the day. Like, parents had, like, she had like four boys within six years, so she lost count of us. But anyway, same thing, right? Like, daughter made a mess trying to cut her bangs. They're not going to look right. So child's going to be embarrassed. You might be embarrassed. And again, you come in, and in this case, I'm a little bit curious. And instead of, honey, what were you thinking? Now we're going to have to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not everything is shame. Because sometimes when kids make bad choices, like, hey, you just made a bad decision, there's no shame there. But there's a consequence for that. That's perfectly fine. But in this case, I'd be curious about it. Like, why did you want to cut your bangs? Was it the sensory feel of it? Was it just that it was something new when you were bored, figure that out. But there's different ways you can handle these situations. There's like little kids who get food out and they just make their own dinner or their own meal. Well, what happens? They're going to make a mess out of everything. They probably not going to do it the right way. It's like the toddler who puts twist ties in his shoes so he doesn't have to learn how to tie his shoes. Your kids just do things different in different ways. And so this coming week, what I want you to do is pause, just stop before you react. It doesn't mean you're going to be inside. Like, I just love that my kids make messes and do things wrong. But with a kid who made something, you say, hey, I like your initiative. I like the creativity. I like that you are wanting to be independent. That's what it is. I like that you wanted to be independent and do this yourself. Now there's going to be a mess all over the counter. And instead of, this is my own personal opinion. You have every right to say, hey, you made the mess, you clean it up. But my experience says strong will kids are just not going to do that. So you put on some music and say, you know what? Let's celebrate your independence and your creativity and that you gave that a shot. I'll help you clean up, which means you're going to do most of it. And then I can show you and start teaching you how to cook for yourself in these situations. Now you're starting to teach your kids how to be responsible for themselves. The girl that stayed up till 2am Just think of what we learned from that and how we were able to build her up and say, hey, you are clutch under pressure. And then teaching her how her brain works. I want you to do that with your little kids. Hey, here's why you did that. Because you have a natural need for your brain to be stimulated. So you can either do it this way, hitting your brother, but you're just going to lose your stuff and get in trouble. Or if you got a really big heart, I can show you different ways to get brain stimulation doing something else. So here's the insight. So let's try that this week. Here's the insight I want to give you into these kids. And it's not enough to do like an entire podcast on it, but it relates to this. Your kids will often strong will kids Will often choose a different area in which to excel in life. And I'll give you an example. So growing up, I was really good athlete, playing ball sports. So of course, become a dad, got a son. I want him to play ball sports. Guess what? He's not very good at it. He ends up choosing ice hockey, which is skating, and he skis really well. Guess what are two things I'm not good at doing. Skating and skiing. Now, did he do that on purpose? I don't know. I think it's probably subconscious because I've noticed this in most of the families that I've worked with is the child will choose an area that's their own. Because, you know, what my son knew is no matter what he did, he would never really be able to please me or live up to my expectations with ball sports, because I was really into it. So he chose other areas. And now I can't lecture him. It's not me teaching him how to do those things. It's actually the reverse, which is he's teaching me how to ski. And so you'll find I found this in families sometimes where you have, like, two highly educated parents, right? Both doctors or have master's degrees, doctorates, the child knows, look, I can never exceed your expectations. I can't even live up to them. And so they kind of shut down because they want their own area. So what I encourage you to do is one is be aware of that and let your kids shine in an area that is not yours. And I also want to encourage you this week, let's pick a behavior or a situation that comes up or that irritates you a lot. Flip around the script in your brain from, why can't they do it my way? Why do they always have to do it this way? And begin doing a couple things. One is ask, why do they do it the way they do it? Slow your world down. Be a detective. This week you will learn about what motivates your child, about how their brains work so that you can work with their nature. And instead of letting your own anxiety and control issues dump all over them so that they feel like the bad kid or the kid who can never please you, now look at situations and say, ah, that's why they're doing it that way. Because if you can acknowledge that and affirm that and then teach your child and say, oh, I know exactly why you're laying upside down off the sofa. Because when you do that, blood flow rushes to your brain. That's actually really good for your brain. And it helps you concentrate. Here are five other ways in order to you can stimulate your brain and do homework more easily. This is why you stay up late at night. That procrastination. Do that this week. And then what happens is your kids begin to look to you as a source of wisdom, as someone they trust. Because you're just not commenting all the time on negative what they're doing wrong. You're saying, oh man, I never thought to do it that way. Now I figured out why you do that. Be curious and say, I am curious. Why did you do it that way? Because it seems to work for you. It's just different than I would do it. Now you can problem solve and teach them. Okay, you've got your goal. Find an irritating behavior, flip the script around, and let's begin affirming and teaching our kids. I do encourage you let your kids listen to the podcast. If you have our programs on the app, we can. Even if you have older kids who have their own phone, we can send Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program, the ADHD University program, the Strong Will Child program, any of them. We can send them directly to your child or just play them in the car. Because then your kids begin to hear, oh, that guy's describing me. That's how my brain works. So there's nothing wrong with my brain? No, it just works differently than other kids do. Or the teacher's brain works or mine works. So how can we do this the way it works for you? Have those discussions. It's really cool. Okay? Moms and dads respect you so much for working so hard to change. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Okay? Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.