Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary
Title: Back-to-School Anxiety & Refusal? 5 Action Steps That Work #507
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: August 6, 2025
Description Overview:
In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses the common challenges parents face when preparing strong-willed and neurodivergent children for the back-to-school season. He delves into the root causes of school-related anxiety and provides five actionable strategies to help children navigate their fears and refusals effectively.
1. Introduction: Understanding Back-to-School Anxiety
Kirk opens the episode by acknowledging that while many children eagerly anticipate the new school year, parents listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast are likely dealing with children who experience significant anxiety or outright refusal to attend school. He sets the stage for the discussion by highlighting the emotional turmoil parents and children may face during this period.
Notable Quote:
"If you're listening to this podcast, it's probably going to look a lot differently than that because you've got a strong-willed child, a neurodivergent child, and your child is going to have a lot of anxiety over school."
[05:30]
2. Personal Anecdote: Kirk's Experience with School Anxiety
Kirk shares his own childhood struggles with anxiety related to school. From crying during the first days of kindergarten to frequently missing school in middle school, he provides a relatable foundation for parents facing similar issues with their children.
Notable Quote:
"Looking back, it was pure anxiety. And anxiety is caused by unknowns."
[07:15]
3. Root Causes of School-Related Anxiety
Kirk delves into the factors contributing to a child's anxiety about school, particularly in neurodivergent children. He explains how an overactive brain, desire for control, sensory overload, social challenges, and academic pressures can overwhelm children, making the school environment daunting.
Key Points:
- Control and Uncertainty: Children with busy brains often feel a lack of control over their environment, leading to controlling or defiant behaviors.
- Sensory Overload: Noisy hallways, crowded cafeterias, and the general chaos of school can be overwhelming.
- Social Challenges: Navigating friendships and dealing with exclusion or bullying adds to the stress.
- Academic Pressures: Difficulty focusing, processing information, and meeting expectations can heighten anxiety.
4. Five Actionable Strategies to Mitigate Anxiety
Strategy 1: Normalize Anxiety
Kirk emphasizes the importance of helping children understand that feeling anxious is a normal and healthy response to new and challenging situations. By normalizing anxiety, parents can reduce the stigma and fear surrounding these emotions.
Notable Quote:
"Anxiety is a very normal and even healthy thing. It lets you know there are changes coming and that you should be alert."
[12:45]
Do's:
- Share your own experiences with anxiety to show it's a common feeling.
- Use affirming statements like, "It's normal to feel nervous about starting a new school year."
Don'ts:
- Avoid dismissing their feelings with phrases like, "It's no big deal."
- Refrain from using a fake reassuring tone that can heighten their anxiety.
Strategy 2: Increase Familiarity with the School Environment
Reducing the unknowns by familiarizing children with their new school can significantly decrease anxiety. Kirk recommends visiting the school during the summer, walking through hallways, exploring the cafeteria, and even practicing using lockers.
Notable Quote:
"Let your child walk through the halls and get very familiar with it. By the way, I like having certain traditions in the school year. Some things that are always the same."
[18:20]
Practical Tips:
- Schedule a school tour with your child.
- Practice daily routines in a calm setting to build familiarity.
Strategy 3: Foster Connections Within the School
Building connections with at least one supportive adult and encouraging friendships can provide a sense of belonging and security for anxious children.
Notable Quote:
"When school becomes daunting or overwhelming, having one person there that I'll run into in the hallway... provides a certain comfort."
[22:10]
Implementation Steps:
- Identify a friendly teacher, counselor, or staff member who can offer support.
- Facilitate short, fun playdates to help your child form friendships.
Strategy 4: Assign a Personal Mission to Empower Control
Giving children specific roles or missions at school can provide them with a sense of responsibility and control, thereby reducing anxiety related to unpredictability.
Notable Quote:
"Our kids love feeling like grownups. They love feeling helpful or being helpful to other adults, just not us as parents."
[28:45]
Examples of Missions:
- Helping set up classroom materials.
- Assisting a teacher with organizing resources.
- Taking charge of a small task during morning routines.
Benefits:
- Creates early successes and positive interactions.
- Shifts focus from anxiety-inducing thoughts to purposeful activities.
Strategy 5: Manage Your Own Anxiety to Model Calmness
Parents must control their own anxiety to prevent transmitting it to their children. By maintaining a calm demeanor, parents can provide stability and reassurance.
Notable Quote:
"I don't care if you fake it at first, but adopt that even matter-of-fact tone. It's a very businesslike tone that says, I'm not moved by this, I've seen it before."
[35:10]
Techniques:
- Practice mindfulness or relaxation exercises to manage your anxiety.
- Use a confident tone when discussing school-related topics.
- Focus on controlling your reactions rather than trying to change your child's feelings.
Listener Testimonials:
- Mother's Experience: "I just recenter myself and say, I have only one goal today. It is simply to control myself. I am only responsible for my mood."
- Father's Experience: "No lectures, no yelling at the kids. It feels much more peaceful."
5. Conclusion and Encouragement
Kirk wraps up the episode by commending parents for seeking ways to improve their children's experiences and breaking generational patterns of anxiety and control. He encourages continuous progress over perfection and offers support through his programs and extended sales.
Notable Quote:
"Moms and dads, kudos to you. You're breaking generational patterns. Just keep making progress."
[40:50]
Final Encouragement:
- Embrace small victories and gradual improvements.
- Utilize available resources and seek additional support if needed.
- Remember that managing your own anxiety is crucial in helping your child navigate theirs.
Key Takeaways:
- Normalize Emotions: Understanding that anxiety is a normal response helps children feel validated and less isolated.
- Preparation and Familiarity: Familiarizing children with the new school environment reduces fear of the unknown.
- Build Connections: Establishing supportive relationships within the school fosters a sense of belonging.
- Empower Through Roles: Assigning missions gives children control and purpose, easing anxiety.
- Model Calmness: Parents managing their own anxiety provides a stable foundation for children to feel secure.
By implementing these strategies, parents can effectively support their children in overcoming back-to-school anxiety, fostering a more positive and manageable transition into the new school year.