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Okay, I have to admit I was skeptical about how much of a difference a mattress can make, but from the very first night we laid down on our Leesa mattress, it made a difference in how we slept, how our bodies felt, and how we felt the next day. That's a big deal. Leesa mattresses are meticulously crafted in the US for exceptional quality plus they back it up with free shipping, easy returns and a 100 night sleep trial. We spend a third of our day trying to sleep, so choose a super comfortable mattress from Leesa tailored to how you sleep best without the luxury price tag. Go to leesa.com for 25% off mattresses with their Labor Day Early Access sale plus get an extra $50 off with promo code Calm exclusively for my listeners. That's L e e s a.com promo code CALM for 25% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off and let them know that the Calm Parenting podcast sent you Lisa.com promo code CALM. You know we love being practical but also aspirational. So as Mrs. Calm and I were browsing through wayfair.com for all kinds of organizers because we do love having a place for everything. She saw an art easel and said I don't really need it. And I was like no, you've been talking about painting again for the past year. Let's do it. So a few days later, guess what? Wayfair has delivered a complete art setup for her and all of our organizers. She's happily painting and I'm organizing. That's one reason we love Wayfair. We can get everything we need for inside and outside our home in one place. It saves us time and money. Plus shipping is fast, easy and free. Definitely get organized for the school year, but also do something for you. Get organized, refreshed and back to routine for way less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair every style every Home. So let's make this the school year. We give our kids tools to succeed in school by working with their natural learning style and feeding their curiosity. IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches enriches your homeschool curriculum From K to 12. With IXL, your child can explore any topic in any grade level. And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best while meeting them at their level. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child with big emotions? Of course you do. Do you or your spouse have big emotions? Yeah, probably, if you're normal human. The start of a new school year means big emotions are coming. So I wanted to provide five different ways to be prepared for the inevitable battles and meltdowns that are bound to happen in 3, 2, 1. Maybe before you get through this listening to this podcast. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is K. Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find us in our Back to school sale@celebratecalm.com so let's jump in. Step number one, expect big emotions. It's not like this is something new. Don't be shocked that intense kids with big visions who picture things in their brains and then get frustrated respond with intense emotions. You're not doing something wrong. You're not a bad parent. You have intense kids who want to do more grown up things, but they don't have the tools to to do them. And that means they will do some great things in life. But that drive also breeds frustration. One of the most powerful tools is this. Every day wake up and say, look, I know my kids are going to have big emotions and possibly a meltdown today. That's a given. So I'm going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when, not if it happens. Look, when I pick my kids up from school, one's going to vent and complain for seven minutes about why he hates school. But I'm not going to react because I'm not responsible to fix that for him. He just needs to process it verbally. That way. At the grocery store, one of my kids is going to have a big tantrum because I won't let her have a cookie from the produce department. But I'm not going to give in because her behavior and moods don't change mine. Then while I'm cooking dinner, I will be ready for for the inevitable sibling fight that comes when I'm busy with my hands and stuff. And I'll be ready for those cries of that's not fair. One of my kids is super picky, so he'll probably resist at dinner, which will trigger my spouse's big emotions as well. Then we'll have tears over homework and bedtime and bath time. Just know that it's going to happen, because it usually does. And if you somehow make it through a day without big emotions, well, there's a bonus for you. Some of you get frustrated and escalate because you are doing way too much for your kids. And then you become resentful. I do all these things to make my kids lives so perfect and give them things I never had as a kid. And you'd think they could respond with some gratitude. Instead, they take it for granted and complain even more. I. I'm sick of this. Look, I get that. But you made the decision to do everything for your kids. They didn't. Maybe you're trying to heal your inner childhood wounds by being so good to your kids. I get that. But you can't give to others with expectations. See, otherwise, that's manipulation, right? Like, because I do so much for you, you owe it to me to behave well. Be thankful. So stop doing everything for your kids. Apologize to them for creating this false expectation that that's how life works. Begin expecting more of your kids and making your own needs a priority. Look, if you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anybody else care? Let me say that again. If you don't care enough about your own needs to make yourself a priority, why would anybody else care? See, you have to treat yourself as if you are a person worthy of being treated well and prioritized. And that's hard for many of you because you've got some wounding there, some worthiness issues. So I want you to begin treating yourself like you want others to treat you. And for many of you, it's actually this. Treat yourself as well as you treat other people. Okay? Begin planning a fire drill for your home in the next 24 hours when big emotions are unleashed. What are you going to do differently next time? Look, a firefighter doesn't show up at a fire and start yelling at people or freaking out. He assesses the root of the fire, what causes. Is this a grease fire? What kind of fire is it? And then the firefighter problem solves to put out the fire. So I want you to kind of plan ahead. What are you going to do when this happens? Number two, have a code word. I like this. This was an idea that our son came up with as we were Kind of changing as a family. And in some ways, he was teaching me how to talk to him when he was upset. When he used to conduct school assemblies for kids, he'd teach them the idea of the code word. And. And if you have our calm parenting bundle, let your kids listen to Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program. They'll listen because it's a kid talking to kids about how to get control themselves, get more freedom. And this is what Casey would say to your kids. Look, nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue. If you're already frustrated and upset, you will say things you don't mean and. And then lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset. But how do you stop once you've started to get frustrated? My dad and I used a code word. It can be anything. For us, it was chips and salsa. Did we actually eat chips and salsa every time? No. But what that code phrase meant was, no more words. We're going to separate for a few minutes and then talk later. Try this sometime. Use a code word, separate for a little while, chill out, and then chat. When you're calm, you'll get in trouble less often and you'll have more freedom. You could ask your kids what they want. The code word of be. Code word to be. That means you need to stop talking. Okay. Number three. Validate with intensity. This is so important. Many of your kids get extremely upset and even destructive when little things go wrong or over. What they perceive or you perceive are trivial things. So let's say your child comes home from school and immediately begins building a little catapult because our kids have little engineering brains and they're fascinated with how things work. And that's why they tinker with things, including your brain, because that's what arguing is. And pushing buttons. They're just tinkering with your brain because it's fun, because you always react. So you have to stop doing that because, look, they can see patterns in your arguments and patterns and how things fit together. So I love buying old electronics from a thrift store for kids to work on. It's an awesome little thing to do, and it's cheap. So after a little while, after your child's home, you hear that dreaded sound from the other room. It is your child raging, upset, lashing out. His catapult didn't turn out exactly how he had pictured in his brain or seen it online. So he's clearly overreacting and. And destroying the catapult he spent so much time working on this Catapult is stupid. I'm stupid. I hate myself. And most good parents will walk into the room and say something like, well, honey, that was a really good catapult. I thought you did a great job with that. Look, some of you are still using that really sweet voice with your kids when they're upset. And it will enrage them because it sounds condescending. It makes them feel like you're not taking this seriously. It's like you're trying to convince them that what they created was good so that they won't be upset. Here's why. It also escalates and really infuriates your child. Here's what they're thinking. All day at school, I've been thinking about making this catapult because I like building and tinkering with things to see how they work. I'm not good at school or sports or following directions like my perfect siblings. I'm always in trouble. And this is one thing I'm supposed to be good at. But this stupid catapult didn't work right. So I feel like a stupid loser who can't do anything right. And then you walk in the room and act like it's no big deal. But that just shows you don't understand me. You don't realize that this strikes at the core, core of my self confidence. And this is why I have big emotions over this. So think about that for a second. I don't want to say the whole thing over again, but really think about that from the kid's point of view. It's like, I'm not good at a lot of stuff, but I'm usually good at this and now it didn't work out right. And see how that kind of. Inside, it's hitting on a lot of different levels. And. And when we come in and just say, oh, it was really good. See, it's dismissing the child's frustration. And I know it seems trivial to you, but it's not to them. And now the child, your child feels completely misunderstood, which is a huge trigger for them. So instead of dismissing their emotions or trying to convince your child there's no reason to be upset over something's trivial. Validate with intensity. Oh, man. Of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn't work the way you wanted. That's frustrating. See, we all want that kind of validation when we're upset. It's calming. Yeah, if I were you, I'd be really disappointed. Those are great phrases because this happens all the Time with our kids. And if you have our programs, listen to the Strong Will Child program because it will give you so much insight into how these kids think. And that will stop so many meltdowns and power struggles and big emotions from escalating. Notice, by the way, I didn't say, you know what, if I were you, I'd be frustrated. So if I were you, I'd go punch a hole in the wall or hit your sister. That's not what I said. I normalized the frustration. So the next step number four is to give your child some space and, and no eye contact because nobody likes to be watched when they're upset. So you can remove yourself for a minute. Hey, I need to go grab a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. I need to go change my clothes. Because kids need time to process their disappointment, frustration and anger without being watched, without being talked to, without someone trying to fix their emotions. And I do not like giving eye contact when kids are really upset because they're usually beating themselves up inside and they feel embarrassed by their meltdown. We've covered this before a lot, but just think, the child comes home, tries to build something, doesn't work well, he's upset that it didn't work and now after a few minutes he's beating himself up because why do I, why am I the one in the home that gets so upset about these things? Why doesn't anybody else yell and scream over little things like I do? And so when we come in with eye contact and staring at them, that's why it usually escalates. And I've been through this, but that's why I like being able to say, hey, let's go for a car ride. Hey, can you help me get something from the store? Hey, let's dump some Legos on the floor and we'll build with that. And in the next example, I'll show you a couple different ways that you can de escalate without using eye contact. You know those non stop days when you don't have time to exercise or eat optimally? That's one reason we love beginning our day with AG1. I think about it like my nutritional insurance. Because when the first thing I feed my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and superfoods, it sets my day up for success, it keeps us regular, and it helps fill in my nutrient gaps. So I know I'm doing something good for my body. Now AG1 is even better with new flavors like citrus, tropical and berry. In addition to tasting great. I can tell AG1 is making a difference in my gut, health and digestion. It's one of the easiest things you can do for your health, all for less than $3 a day. When you subscribe, head to drinkag1.com calm and you'll get a free welcome kit worth $76 when you subscribe and including five AG1 travel packs. And you'll start every day feeling good and feeling good about yourself. That's drinkag1.com calm. You know, it's even more stressful than packing lunches for school or food for work or hikes realizing you're out of everything at 7am that's why we stocked up on our favorite healthy staples and snacks during Thrive Market's Back to School sale. You've got a busy family life. You don't have time to vet every ingredient or drive to three different stores when you have picky kids like we do. Thrive Market does the hard work for you. With over 5,000 vetted healthy products for kids of all ages and unique dietary needs, we just saved up to 25% restocking our pantry with aloha bars, kettle and fire bone broth, organic flours, olive oil, and even coconut oil chips. I think you'll love the convenience and healthy options like we do. If you've got a busy schedule and want clean quality options, go to thrivemarket.com calm new members get 30% off their first order and a free gift. Go to thrivemarket.com calm and start saving today. Sale ends August 31st. So number five, control yourself first. It simply does not work if you or your spouse cannot control your own emotions. There's no blame and no guilt in that. It's just that the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So I encourage sit, just sit down. You can do that anywhere. And it does change things. It doesn't fix the whole situation, but it does tend to de escalate things pretty quickly, right? Remember to use the even matter of fact tone without emotion because when your kids have a lot of big emotions, you don't want to add your emotion to it. That's adding fuel to the fire. I don't want you to plead. I don't want you to try to convince your child. And there are dozens of ways to lead your child to a calm place. But I'll give you one of my favorite ones ever this little kid that used to come to our camps back in the day when we'd have 10, 15 kids in our home and, man, he was this really, really bright kid and super intense. So I remember this one time he got so upset, he had a lot of anxiety. He went out. We lived in a townhome surrounded by other people. And he would go out on the front steps and just start screaming like, bloody murder kind of stuff, so that all the neighbors would be looking at our house like, what are you doing to these children? Right? And so I. I remember at first I'd be like, max, stop. Max, you can't do that. Hey, Max, calm down. Hey, Max, do you want a snack? And I try to bribe them. And one day, instead, I just walked out through the front door, and I walked down, like, three steps because we have these really steep steps to a townhouse outside of D.C. and so I sat down and I grabbed some sidewalk chalk, and I started coloring on my steps. I didn't say a word. And he stopped screaming. And then I felt his nasty little warm breath on my neck. And he's like, Mr. Cook. What? You don't draw very well. And I was like, I know I don't. Max, can you. Can you show me how to draw? And so the beauty of it was, I wasn't looking at him. I wasn't trying to calm him down. I was doing something concrete. And then I gave him a way to feel in control of himself, because now he was teaching me how to draw, and that made him feel in control of himself. And guess what? This screaming stopped. And as we're both coloring together, we start having this amazing conversation about the root of his anxiety and what caused him to be upset. So let's picture this. Picture a mom and. And a teenage daughter at a standstill. Teenage daughter is coming at mom with teenage tone and teenage attitude. And mom has every right to respond. Young lady, you will not talk to me like that. And I said that to my son once, and his response was just, did. He was a tough kid. And so the mom in this situation wisely does not take the bait. She doesn't take it from personally. Instead, she recognizes her daughter is in an irrational place. So rational talk won't work. She isn't going to convince her daughter to speak kindly to her. But she also doesn't want to keep escalating this situation. So mom grabs some paper and some crayons and sits down at the kitchen table and she begins to draw or color. And then without looking up, she pushes some sheets of paper, coloring book, and I keep a few of those on hand and some crayons in front of her daughter. And doesn't say a word. Now teenage daughter is staring at her mom like, what are you doing? Mom takes her tone down a notch because, you know, I like humility. Should the daughter have first said, mother, I'm sorry that I escalated and said those mean things to you? Yes, she should, but your strong willed child isn't going to do that at first. And we're the adults, so I take the lead. And mom humbles herself and says, hey, I can tell you're frustrated. I'd like to hear what's going on without looking up at her daughter. Now, you could give your daughter a caring, knowing look and that would be okay too. But I just want you to start observing how they respond to different things. Mom could also say, you know what? I've had a really long day and I'm frustrated too. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. And that humility will break down walls. And somewhat reluctantly at first, this teenage daughter who a few minutes ago was wrapped up in her big emotions because everything in the teen and tween world is, is immediate now, in the moment with such urgency. And it's all that matters. And if I don't get to hang out with my friends, I'm going to be left out and my life will be ruined. That's what it feels like in the teen world. And it's even worse now because of social media. It's so immediate and constant and visual. So mom didn't try to convince her daughter that everything's okay or try to calm her down. Nobody likes to be told, honey, you need to calm down. She calmed herself down first. She slowed that confrontation and situation down and she did it by coloring. Because it's really hard to yell and scream while you are physically sitting and coloring. It just changes the dynamic. And I know to many of you would sound like, well, that's too simplistic. I like simple. I like stuff that works. I don't want you in that moment to have to remember all these big words with dysregulation and all of these psychological words and 18 steps. No, I just sat down and started coloring and something happened. And she drew her daughter in. She led her daughter to a calm place. And I want you to picture this. A mom and teenage daughter are sitting together, each coloring. It's grounding, it's settling. It provides a focus, something that both of them can control in that moment. The sensory feel of the crayon in your hand as it brushes against the paper feels good and settling. They're both looking down at Their sheets of paper. That confrontation and urgency is gone. And now they can actually talk and problem solve and they're together. And they both have a different tone. Now. You don't have to color with your kids. You may need to do something more intense and physical like push ups or play catch or build with legos or do some yard work, because a lot of our kids like shoveling mulch. You may pivot and invite your child to go get a smoothie together or simply ride in the car to decompress. Because no eye contact. When our son was about 12, he would come at me when with that tone. You know the tone. And my initial instinct would be, young man, you will not use that tone with me. Go to your room for the rest of your life, because that's what ends up happening. It's just like every night, Go to your room. But see, now I'm just sending my child away from me at the exact moment he needed my help. That's when my role as the adult, the leader in the home was to give my son wisdom and tools to make a different choice. So I remember one time I just stepped back, I controlled myself for a moment, and when I heard the negative emotion in his voice, I knew I had to take the emotion out of mine and lead him to a calm place. So I would acknowledge in this even matter of fact tone, hey, Case, when I hear that tone in your voice, it tells me you're usually anxious, frustrated, or hungry. Because those have always been his three triggers and they still are at age 32. So, son, you have two options. You may continue to speaking to me like that, but I know it makes you feel uneasy and you won't like the consequences. So I'm going to give you some space while I go grab tortilla chips. And if you want to grab the salsa and meet me out on the deck or in the basement or kitchen, whatever it is, I'd love to help you with whatever you're struggling with. Then I'd walk away and give him space. Watch what we're doing here. I gave him some insight into what was causing this tone to come out so he could address those underlying issues. Not the outward expression. I assumed the best about him, that he didn't want to just be a snotty jerk. See how that works. And then there's a beauty in here of saying, hey, case, for the rest of your life, when you notice this uneasy feeling inside and you're pushing someone a little bit and you're unhappy, it probably is anxiety, frustration, or you're hungry. And that has played out in his life. Well, guess what? Now he knows how to deal with that and get to the root of it. And I gave him two very clear choices and consequences. Right? Like you can keep doing it. This is not going to end well for you. But I gave the energy to, hey, but I'm going to get some chips. If you want to go get the salsa, man, I'd really love to help you see what the tone is. There's an invitation. And I gave him some space to make that choice instead of, you know what, young man, you need to make a choice right now about what you're going to do and how you're going to handle this. And I gave him a simple action step that he can easily do in the moment. Grab the jar of salsa from the refrigerator. That's it. I didn't tell him to do deep breathing exercises. Nothing wrong with that. I didn't tell him to calm down. I just said, hey, if you grab the jar of salsa, I'll have some chips and I'll meet you in this specific concrete place and we can eat a snack. I didn't ask or demand that he change his tone right away. I said something. Grab a jar of salsa. I invited him into my calm place on the deck so that I could help him, not lecture him about his attitude and admonish him to be grateful after all I've done for him. See, now I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind, a purposeful focus. I have moved from a toxic environment to a new setting and introduced, in this case, some fresh air, because it's always important for mood changes if you get a chance. I have given my child an out, a chance to regroup. I have given myself an opportunity to regroup and reset myself as well. That's why I like this a lot better than a timeout. Good luck. Getting a strong willed, intense, active little kid to sit in a chair and think about your actions and choices. That's brutal. It's not going to work. So you get them moving. Motion changes emotion, something they feel in control of. And that is way better than a timeout. And then once we sit down, I can break the ice in a more relaxed, non confrontational tone because we're sitting with our feet up eating chips and salsa, which, at least for us, was naturally relaxing and conducive to talking. And I'm not being funny here, chips and salsa saved my relationship with Casey in many ways. I was on him from the moment he was born. Nothing he could do was ever good enough for me. And I kind of crushed him with my words and my dismissive looks. But when we began eating chips and salsa together, I was sitting relaxed, positive. I was building him up, teaching him, helping him, problem solving. And guess what? Have you ever seen two people eating chips and salsa, yelling at each other? No. Throw in a couple margaritas, everybody's happy. But honestly, this dynamic is much more conducive to a conversation than confrontation. Standing with my hands on my hips, barking at him to change his attitude. Now here's one more way to do this. A couple email and said, hey, we let our kids listen to your programs. Good. I love them listening so they have insight. I want your kids to have all this insight into. It's about themselves, it's about their brains and hearts and how like honestly, I would love for your kids even to hear this podcast to know, oh, that's why I get so upset and I get frustrated because I have a big vision and I picture things and then it doesn't always work out right. That's a lot better than just thinking I'm a stupid jerk who's always in trouble. So he said, we let your kids listen. Let our kids listen to your programs. We challenge them to come up with their own code word for us as the parents and they blurted out molasses because dad is so slow when he runs. And it will help you remember to slow down before yelling at us. You have to love our strong willed kids sense of humor. Don't take that personally. I'll give you one more. Daddy emailed and said, I listened to the dad's program and learned this. This is cool. The same voice I use at work to problem solve and handle conflict with colleagues works with my kids. It has freed me from having to use my dad yelling voice and instead talking to my kids the way I talk at work all day. And he says it's been a total game changer. Yes, that businesslike tone is very grounding for these kids. So I hope your child has some kind of big emotions this week or in the next few hours so you can practice this. Definitely. Let your kids listen to this podcast. Challenge them to come up with a code word. Let them listen to the program so they can be active participants in family solutions. And if you need to help with that, we've got the back to school sale. And if you need payment plans or anything else financially, whatever, email Casey C A s e y celebratecallen.com and we will be glad to help you because that's what we exist to do. Okay. Spent a little bit longer than normal, but I hope you found it helpful. Okay, Love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.