Calm Parenting Podcast - Episode #510

Big Emotions Are Coming: 5 Ways to Prepare
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: August 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, addresses the inevitability of big emotions in kids—especially as the school year ramps up—and shares five practical strategies for parents to prepare for and manage emotional outbursts and power struggles. Drawing on his extensive, hands-on experience with strong-willed, intense children, Kirk delivers actionable advice, relatable stories, and a dash of humor to empower parents with tools to create a calmer home environment.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Expect Big Emotions (08:14)

• Insight: Parents shouldn’t be surprised by their children’s intense emotions—especially in kids who are creative, passionate, and strong-willed. Their drive leads to both great achievements and greater frustration.

• Key Quote (09:18):
  “Every day, wake up and say, ‘I know my kids are going to have big emotions and possibly a meltdown today. That’s a given. So I’m going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when—not if—it happens.’”

• Practical Example: Kirk details a typical day with a series of expected emotional hurdles—kids venting after school, grocery store tantrums, dinner-time complaints, sibling squabbles, and bedtime resistance. He emphasizes the importance of mentally preparing for these events as routine.

• Self-care Reminder (12:09):
  Parents often get resentful from “doing too much.” Kirk advises:
  “If you don’t care enough about your own needs to make yourself a priority, why would anybody else care?”

• Action Step: Begin treating yourself as well as you treat others, and stop doing everything for your kids. Make a plan—much like a firefighter planning for a fire rather than reacting in panic.

2. Use a Code Word (17:13)

• Insight: Having a family code word is a strategic way to pause heated situations, giving everyone space to de-escalate.
• Background: Kirk shares how his son, Casey, introduced this idea, originally used during school assemblies to coach other children.
• Key Quote (18:20, Casey’s Wisdom):
  “Look, nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue. If you’re already frustrated and upset, you will say things you don’t mean and then lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset.”
• How-To:
  • Decide on a fun code word with your kids. (Their word was “chips and salsa.”)
  • When spoken, it means “no more talking; we separate and regroup later.”
  • After calming down, reconnect for a conversation.

3. Validate with Intensity (20:40)

• Insight: When a child is upset, avoid minimizing their feelings or responding in a sweet, dismissive voice. This can escalate their frustration and make them feel misunderstood.
• Practical Example: Kirk describes a child who built a catapult that didn’t work. The child’s disappointment (“This catapult is stupid. I’m stupid. I hate myself.”) is rooted in deep self-confidence struggles.
• What Not to Say:
  • “Well, honey, that was a really good catapult; I thought you did a great job.”
    • Kirk warns this feels condescending to the child.
• Key Quote (22:55):
  “Instead of dismissing their emotions or trying to convince your child there’s no reason to be upset...validate with intensity. ‘Oh, man. Of course you’re frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn’t work the way you wanted. That’s frustrating.’”
• Normalizing:
  • Use phrases like, “Yeah, if I were you, I’d be really disappointed.”
  • Reassure them that these emotions are normal and understandable.

4. Give Space & Avoid Eye Contact (27:05)

• Insight: Kids often need privacy to process big emotions. Being watched or engaged can make them feel embarrassed and escalate the situation.
• Key Quote (29:00):
  “Nobody likes to be watched when they’re upset...I do not like giving eye contact when kids are really upset because they’re usually beating themselves up inside...when we come in with eye contact and staring at them, that’s why it usually escalates.”
• Practical Tips:
  • Remove yourself briefly (“I need to grab a drink/go to the bathroom.”)
  • Suggest a car ride, building Legos, or another low-pressure activity to help them reset.
  • Don’t try to “fix” their emotion in the moment.

5. Control Yourself First (32:31)

• Insight: The fastest way to change your child’s behavior is by first managing your own emotional response. Reacting with emotion adds fuel to the fire.
• Anecdote: Kirk talks about a former camper, Max, who would erupt in public. The breakthrough came when Kirk quietly started drawing with sidewalk chalk nearby, inviting Max into a calming activity instead of direct confrontation.
  • Key Quote (35:55):
    “I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t trying to calm him down. I was doing something concrete. And then I gave him a way to feel in control of himself...the screaming stopped.”
• Practical Strategies:
  • Sit down and use a neutral, matter-of-fact tone.
  • Invite the child to join you in a calming activity (e.g., coloring, eating chips and salsa, building Legos).
• Example with Teen:
  • A mom responds to her daughter’s attitude by coloring at the kitchen table (not lecturing or insisting on immediate resolution), which helps de-escalate the tension.
    • Key Quote (40:45):
      “It’s really hard to yell and scream while you are physically sitting and coloring. It just changes the dynamic.”
  • Sensory Tools:
    • The physical act (coloring, eating, building) provides grounding and mutual focus.

The Power of Invitation and Choices (47:12)

• Kirk’s method with his son, Casey: When noticing a negative tone, Kirk would briefly acknowledge the emotion, offer choices (“You can keep using that tone, but you know you won’t like the consequences, or you can grab the salsa and meet me on the deck to talk”), and give space.
• Key Quote (48:45):
  “I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind, a purposeful focus. I have moved from a toxic environment to a new setting and introduced, in this case, some fresh air...I have given my child an out, a chance to regroup.”
• Philosophy:
  • “Motion changes emotion.”
  • Activities like snacks or coloring work better than traditional timeouts, especially for strong-willed kids.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 09:18 | Kirk | "Every day, wake up and say, 'I know my kids are going to have big emotions and possibly a meltdown today...so I’m going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when—not if—it happens.'" | | 12:09 | Kirk | "If you don't care enough about your own needs to make yourself a priority, why would anybody else care?" | | 18:20 | Casey | “Look, nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue. If you’re already frustrated and upset, you will say things you don’t mean and then lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset.” | | 22:55 | Kirk | “Validate with intensity. ‘Oh, man. Of course you’re frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn’t work the way you wanted. That’s frustrating.’” | | 29:00 | Kirk | “Nobody likes to be watched when they’re upset...when we come in with eye contact and staring at them, that’s why it usually escalates.” | | 35:55 | Kirk | “I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t trying to calm him down. I was doing something concrete. And then I gave him a way to feel in control of himself...the screaming stopped.” | | 40:45 | Kirk | “It’s really hard to yell and scream while you are physically sitting and coloring. It just changes the dynamic.” | | 48:45 | Kirk | “I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind, a purposeful focus. I have moved from a toxic environment to a new setting...I have given my child an out, a chance to regroup.” |

Actionable Steps & Takeaways

• Anticipate big emotions as a regular part of parenting; plan proactively, not reactively.
• Use a family code word to pause escalating situations and provide space for everyone.
• Validate your child’s feelings with genuine intensity; mirror their investment instead of minimizing.
• Provide physical or emotional space and avoid eye contact when emotions are high.
• Model self-control and use calming or grounding activities to help de-escalate—motion or sensory engagement works wonders.
• Empower kids with the insight and tools they need; let them help design family communication strategies.
• Humble yourself and acknowledge your own feelings (and missteps); model humility and repair.

Closing Thought

Kirk wraps up with encouragement to let children listen to these approaches themselves:
“Let your kids listen to this podcast. Challenge them to come up with a code word. Let them listen to the programs so they can be active participants in family solutions.” (54:33)

This episode equips parents with practical, compassionate strategies to ride the waves of big emotions—transforming crisis moments into opportunities for growth and connection.