Child Hits, Screams, Defiant? What's the Root?

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Title: Child Hits, Screams, Defiant? What's the Root?
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: November 13, 2022

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Introduction to Addressing Defiant Behaviors

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves deep into understanding and addressing defiant behaviors in children. Rather than merely reacting to surface-level actions like hitting, screaming, or tantrums with consequences, Kirk emphasizes the importance of uncovering the underlying causes of such behaviors to foster meaningful and lasting change.

Understanding the Root Causes of Defiance

Kirk begins by acknowledging the common frustrations parents face with defiant children:

[01:30] Kirk Martin: "What's going on inside that is causing that outward behavior? Because there's usually a root to it."

He posits that behaviors labeled as defiance are often manifestations of deeper frustrations. Instead of viewing the child as merely defiant or disrespectful, Kirk suggests considering them as "frustrated kids." This perspective shifts the focus from punitive measures to empathetic understanding.

Common Root Causes Identified:

1. Physical Issues:

   • Sleep Disruptions: Lack of adequate sleep can make children irritable and less responsive to guidance.
   • Gut Health: An imbalanced gut biome or poor nutrition can affect a child's mood and behavior.
   • Sensory Needs: Some children seek physical pressure or stimulation, and unmet sensory needs can lead to aggressive behaviors.

   [02:45] Kirk Martin: "Maybe they eat simple carbs that feel good on the stomach. If your gut isn't feeling good, if your stomach's not feeling well, then you don't feel well and you're a little bit on edge."

2. Anxiety:

   • Anxiety can be a significant factor affecting a child's behavior. Children may act out due to uncertainties or feelings of being overwhelmed.

   [04:10] Kirk Martin: "If you address the underlying anxiety, because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control, you solve the anxiety, all the other stuff goes away."

3. Sensory Needs:

   • Children with heightened sensory demands may exhibit aggressive behaviors if their need for physical activity or sensory input isn't met.

   [06:30] Kirk Martin: "Is this a child who seeks physical pressure all the time? His body is screaming out for physical pressure, and he's going to get that pressure one way or another."

4. Manipulation or Attention Seeking:

   • Some children may act out to manipulate situations or gain attention, especially if positive intensity is not provided.

   [09:15] Kirk Martin: "Maybe they're being manipulative and manipulating you or they get full of themselves. That requires a different response."

5. Boredom and Lack of Engagement:

   • A bored child is more likely to misbehave to seek stimulation or engagement.

   [10:40] Kirk Martin: "Many issues just come from your child being bored, whether in class or at home."

Actionable Strategies to Address Defiance

Kirk provides a comprehensive checklist and strategies for parents to identify and address the root causes of their child's defiant behavior:

1. Assess Physical Well-being:

   • Ensure the child is getting sufficient sleep and proper nutrition.
   • Consider physical activities that cater to sensory needs, such as obstacle courses or trampolines.

   [03:35] Kirk Martin: "Obstacle courses in the backyard or in the basement… that's a great way to start the morning."

2. Address Anxiety:

   • Create predictable routines to minimize unknowns that can trigger anxiety.
   • Engage with other adults (teachers, coaches) to provide the child with specific roles or responsibilities that build confidence.

   [07:50] Kirk Martin: "Ask other adults to give your child a specific job to do because that makes them feel successful."

3. Meet Sensory Needs Proactively:

   • Incorporate sensory activities into daily routines to prevent aggressive outbursts.

   [06:50] Kirk Martin: "Kids love look outside… giving a child a challenge to find something outside in the obstacle course."

4. Enhance Positive Intensity:

   • Provide the child with engaging and challenging activities that offer the intensity they crave in a positive manner.

   [11:10] Kirk Martin: "Positive intensity is, oh, man, I love the way your brain works. Let's go do X."

5. Build Confidence and Self-Esteem:

   • Utilize the child's gifts, talents, and passions to foster a sense of achievement and self-worth.

   [11:45] Kirk Martin: "If you build their confidence by using their gifts, talents, and passions, then they will feel good about themselves."

6. Implement Purposeful Missions:

   • Assign tasks that give the child a sense of purpose and responsibility, reducing feelings of helplessness or frustration.

   [17:00] Kirk Martin: "Wherever you go, ask other adults… to give your child a specific job to do because that makes them feel successful."

Real-World Application: A Taekwondo Example

Kirk shares a practical example to illustrate his approach:

When a child resists attending Taekwondo due to anxiety, instead of imposing consequences, Kirk suggests:

• Pre-Visit Engagement: Visit the Taekwondo place ahead of time and arrange for the child to have a specific role, such as helping to set up mats, which leverages their desire to help and reduces anxiety.

  [17:30] Kirk Martin: "What triggers in the brain is that guy said he needed my help, and I'm good at helping other people… so we just solve that issue."

This strategy transforms the child's perception of the activity from an unknown to a familiar and positive engagement, thereby mitigating defiant behavior.

Conclusion: Focusing on Internal Needs

Kirk concludes by reiterating the importance of addressing the internal needs of children to transform outward behaviors:

[17:50] Kirk Martin: "Proactively meet internal needs. It will change the outward behavior."

By understanding and addressing the root causes—be it physical discomfort, anxiety, sensory needs, or the need for positive intensity—parents can foster a more harmonious and cooperative relationship with their children.

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Takeaway:
Effective parenting of defiant children goes beyond managing behaviors superficially. By uncovering and addressing the underlying frustrations and needs, parents can implement strategies that not only reduce undesirable behaviors but also enhance the child's overall well-being and confidence.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

So you may have a child who hits, who screams all the time, who has meltdowns, who has tantrums, who lashes out at siblings, lashes, lashes out at you, who shuts down, refuses to do work, any and all of those things. And so when you email us, we always get the headline of like, I'm at my wit's end, what do I do? We get a lot of them that just say help. Some of them say like my child screams all the time. And so we love those, and we love that you're engaging with us because it gives us an opportunity to reach out to you and work with you personally. And so here's what I encourage you to do though, is when you start thinking about these issues, begin to go a deeper one step further or maybe many steps further and think, what is the source of the frustration? What is the root of this? Because when people tell me like, well, my child is defiant, like, okay, I get it 100% agree that the outward behavior that your child is exhibiting is defiant. But my next question is, what's going on inside that is causing that outward behavior? Because there's usually a root to it, right? And so I've often said that if I had to describe your kids with one word, it wouldn't be defiant, it wouldn't be disrespectful, it would be frustrated. They're really frustrated kids. Because look, when you and I as adults are frustrated, what do we do? We get short with people. We're not always charitable toward other people. We get in a rush, we do things quickly, we lash out. We do the same thing when we're hungry, we're often short and become kind of jerky. When we're tired, we do that. And so let's look at that today on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. Thank you for listening. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need some help, reach out to us. Email. Our strong willed son, Casey C a s e yelebratecalm.com Casey this is where we learned a lot of it from Casey. He struggled with all of this. And we had 1500 kids come in our home who all struggled with these things. Everything that you're struggling with and what we learned very early on was if we just reacted to the outward behavior with a consequence, nothing changed. If though we looked a little deeper and got to the source of the frustration or the anxiety, well, then the issues changed. And so think about, let's go through a little list, right? So when I'm working either with a phone consultation or just an email from people, I start to go through a list of things. So, so let's start with just the most basic, which is what are the physical things going on? Is your child not sleeping well? Okay, if they're not sleeping well, let's put them in a sleeping bag. Let's put some work on the sensory issues of putting lots of things on them covers. A golden retriever is great too. Things to give them physical pressure while they sleep. We can work on white noise, letting them listen to music as they fall asleep, all kinds of things. Instead of rush, rush, rush, go to bed. We, we can throw a blanket down on the living room floor earlier in the evening, turn down lights, slow life down and give that child an opportunity to vent and bring up all the stuff that they were thinking about from the day earlier in the evening so you can address it rather than waiting until bedtime. Right. That's just one, that's just a couple ideas. That's something physical going on. It could be something like gut issues, maybe inside their gut biome there's something going on and they just kind of feel icky. Lots of your kids have anxiety. Well, if they have anxiety, that usually affects the stomach and so they kind of feel uneasy all the time. Or maybe they don't eat right. They don't get enough protein. Maybe they eat simple carbs all the time. And it's bagels and breads and peanut butter and jelly and that Mac and cheese and simple. Think simple carbs that feel good on the stomach. Well, if your gut isn't feeling good, if your stomach's not feeling well, then you don't feel well and you're a little bit on edge. And so when your brother's making a little noise that you don't like, instead of saying, hey, could you stop? Because I don't feel well, a little kid or a big kid is going to lash out and hit him or yell at him, right? And so we're like, well, he's not being kind to his brother. Well, sure, he's not being kind to his brother, but just lecturing about being nice doesn't work if you don't get to the root of it. By the way, anxiety is a big one for your kids. I guarantee many of your kids who shut down, who are defiant, who refuse to do things right. So old Taekwondo example of like, hey, you want to go to Taekwondo? And they're like, no, my stomach's kind of upset. And we're like, no, we're going to go. We're going to go. And then like, I hate you. You're stupid. You can't make me. That's not a defiance issue. That's a pure anxiety issue. And if you address the underlying anxiety, because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control, you solve the anxiety, all the other stuff goes away. I'm going to throw this one out there because I don't know if I've ever mentioned on a podcast, but pandas, It's a autoimmune condition. P A N D, A, S. Sometimes when I hear things, when I'm on a phone consultation, I'm like, hey, did your child struggle with a lot of, like, ear infections and throat infections when they were little? Because sometimes it can cause a condition and you'll just have to look this up. Pandas. And it will look like OCD issues. Well, if you're struggling with that, you're going to feel a little bit off, right? Sensory needs. This is a big one. Whenever I hear, oh, my child's biting, they're getting physical, they lash out, they hit, I go to, okay, what are the sensory needs? Is this a child who seeks physical pressure all the time, and invariably what you hear is, oh, yeah, now that I think about it, my child has always loved trampolines and has always loved climbing under Things and climbs trees. And my child does, you know, he chews on things all the time. And like, okay, so there's. His body is screaming out for physical pressure, and he's going to get that pressure one way or another. Human nature says when we want something done, we tend to do the simplest thing possible. And usually that's negative. So that's my example of the classroom is you get a little kid or an older kid who didn't get enough sensory pressure. Some sensory exercise in the morning, by the way. So I love obstacle courses in the backyard or in the basement, and you wake your child up and say, hey, guess where I hid your breakfast. Bet you can't find it. Hit it out in the obstacle course. And your child has to go crawl under things and climb things and push against things outside. Because kids love look outside. I don't want to be around people in the morning, do you? So giving a child a challenge to find something outside in the obstacle course, which they naturally love in their body loves, that's a great way to start the morning. But that child who doesn't get any physical pressure in the morning shows up in the classroom, and there are three or four other boys in the back of the classroom. Well, guess what's happening, Rumble. They're going to roughhouse because his body is craving that physical pressure. And so a teacher will. Will look at that and say, well, your child is being aggressive. Sure, that outward behavior is aggressive, but what do we see underneath? He's trying to meet some sensory needs. He's just doing it in an unhealthy way. So my job as a parent is to be a detective and say, oh, think about this. If I proactively meet those needs, those internal needs. By the way, I'm making note on this because I'm going to put this in our newsletter because this is a really key point. Proactively meet internal needs. It will change the outward behavior. And that's what we're looking for right now. Sometimes kids act out because they're being manipulative and they're manipulating you or they get full of themselves. And so that requires a different response. Not like, you know, you're full of yourself. It's just like, hey, I know what you're doing right now. It's not going to work in my house. It's just not going to work. I know what you're up to. What I think you really want is some intensity. So I'll give you some positive intensity, right? It could be that maybe you're a pushover and you're too gentle and too soft and too like that. And so your kids, well, see, that requires a different response and for you to learn how to be confident, calm, even matter of fact and be leader in the home. Or maybe they're doing things because they're getting back at that harsh parent that they have. Maybe the dad is kind of harsh and unforgiving. My way or the highway. So your child's acting up to get back at that parent. Okay, now that's a different route. And so now we can work on what's our. How are we parenting? How are we leading? Right? And see what I mean? Now it could be that your child acts out in certain ways because they need intense engagement. So often reply back to parents and say, think intensity. Your child isn't looking for your attention. They need intensity. But positive intensity, not negative. You know, if you keep that up, you're gonna. That's negative intensity. Positive intensity is, oh, man, I love the way your brain works. And here's what you're looking for right now. Let's go do X. And I lead the child into an activity that meets those internal needs and really engages that child with some intensity. Right? That will solve underlying problems. Boredom I've talked about before. Many issues just come from. Your child is bored, whether in class or at home. And so what's going to happen? He's going to get up in class, walk around, talk to other people, get in trouble, or he's going to take it out on siblings to get a reaction. Well, there the solution is purposeful missions. But here are some big ones I want you to think about. Sometimes your kids act out, whatever you want to call it, misbehave because they feel different than or less than their siblings sometimes, right? If I don't feel, if I don't feel good about myself, I'm going to lash out at my sibling. That makes sense to me. Sometimes they feel frustrated at school, they feel stupid. Think about this. Because many of your kids feel like an adult trapped in a child's world, right? Because they're better as adults. Imagine working a job that you're not really good at and getting negative feedback literally every day from your boss. And then when you share your frustration at night with your spouse, your spouse also gives you negative feedback. Well, honey, you know, if you would just apply yourself, you'd be angry, you'd be frustrated, and you would not like life and you would make things very unpleasant in your home, especially if your spouse had a great job and kept getting promoted. So Imagine your child is working a job, which they are at school, that.

[C]

They'Re not always really good at, even.

[A]

Though they're very intelligent and bright, they're not always academically motivated. And they get negative feedback literally every day from you get it from a boss, they get it from a teacher. And then when they come home and share that frustration, then you give them negative feed. Well, you know, if you would just apply yourself. See, that's why they're angry and frustrated at times. And so let's focus on this this week. When your kids are struggling with something, begin going through a checklist, right? Is it something physical? Is it sleep? Is it gut issues? It's something going on inside of them. Are they just not feeling well? Right? Are they feeling off inside? Is it a sensory issue? Is it that you talk too much and you lecture too much and it's just irritating? Or is it that you're too permissive? Or maybe one of you is too harsh? Maybe it is that they're just manipulative they don't want to do when they're full of themselves. And you have to deal with that in a calm, even manner, but a very confident manner to let them know I know what's going on. So Mrs. Kong told me yesterday.

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[A]

Maybe they need positive intensity and they haven't gotten that because the only time they get intensity is when they do something wrong. Maybe they're bored or maybe they just don't feel that great about themselves and we have to build their confidence. Go through that checklist this week and begin to think through those things. And I promise you, if you do those things, you can get to the root of the issue and change this. Because think about it and remember the anxiety part. If you give your child tools to succeed, to deal with their frustration, to deal with their anxiety, they will then become more confident knowing they have tools to handle life. If you build their confidence by, by using their gifts, talents and passions, doing positive things, then they will feel good about themselves. A lot of these things will change. So we can help you. That's why we want you listen to the programs. Go through the Calm parenting package or the get everything package. Listen, because we get to the root of all of these issues, like that anxiety issue of not wanting to go Taekwondo, and they're lashing out. You're stupid. I hate you. The solution isn't, you know what? You better get your butt in the car or you're going to lose all your video games. The solution is understanding that the root of that is anxiety, which is caused by unknowns. So if I were to take my child three days ahead of time to the Taekwondo place and say, hey, Mr. Taekwondo, listen, my son's going to be in your class, loves helping other people, could you give my child a job to do? And that Taekwondo guy says, oh man, I could so use your help. Listen, I want you here every week, five minutes early. When you get here, you're going to help me rearrange the mat set up that. Get set up for class. You up for that? Most of your kids are going to be like, oh, yes, sir, I'll do that.

[C]

So next week or three days later.

[A]

When I come home and say, hey, we've got taekwondo. What triggers in your child's brain isn't.

[C]

All the scary unknowns of we go.

[A]

Into a new place. What if it's loud? What if the other kids pick on me because I don't get along with kids my own age? All those things, that's not what they're thinking about. What triggers in the brain is. That guy said he needed my help, and I'm good at helping other people, and he's going to say he wanted me to be there five minutes early. So we have to leave, like, 15, like three hours early. Right. And so we just solve that issue. And so wherever you go, ask other adults. Teachers, assistant principal, someone at church. Wherever you go, ask other adults to give your child a specific job to do because that makes them feel successful. That's what we're about. Hey, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.