Child Who Creates Chaos & Seeks Attention (Attachment Issues)

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: Child Who Creates Chaos & Seeks Attention (Attachment Issues)
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 29, 2023

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Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into understanding children who seemingly create chaos and seek attention. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, Kirk offers insights into the underlying causes of such behaviors, particularly focusing on attachment issues and the need for intensity. He provides practical strategies for parents to foster better connections and mitigate disruptive behaviors.

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Understanding Chaos in Children

Kirk begins by addressing a common parental frustration: children who intentionally create chaos to gain attention. He challenges the simplistic notion that these behaviors are merely attention-seeking or acts of defiance.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "Do you have a child who seems to intentionally create chaos in your home on purpose?... Then I have a really critical insight for you and that's what I'm going to share with you on this episode."

He explains that such children often struggle to feel understood, have difficulty forming friendships, and face challenges in connecting with family members. These underlying issues drive them to seek connection through intense behaviors, both positive and negative.

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Attachment and the Need for Intensity

Kirk introduces the concept of intensity as a means of connection. He emphasizes that children with attachment issues do not differentiate between positive and negative intensity; for them, any form of intense interaction signifies connection and importance.

Kirk Martin [03:34]: "Your child does not differentiate between positive and negative intensity. All he knows is that when I do X, parents, teachers, siblings, all react with intensity. They give me their full, undivided attention, and it feels like connection."

He further explains that these behaviors are not about being selfish but are manifestations of deeper emotional needs. Children may externalize their internal struggles by controlling their environment, often leading to power struggles and defiance.

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Strategies for Parents

Kirk offers several actionable strategies for parents to address and support their children effectively:

1. Shift Perspective:

   • Understanding vs. Judging: Recognize that your child’s chaotic behavior stems from a need for connection, not malice.

     Kirk Martin [07:12]: "So don't freak out like oh my child's just looking for control. Of course they are."

2. Provide Positive Intensity:

   • Engage with Genuine Intensity: Respond to your child’s emotions with the same level of intensity to make them feel heard and valued.

     Kirk Martin [15:47]: "Give positive intensity when reinforcing his gifts and passions."

3. Offer Physical Outlets:

   • Use Physical Activity as a Release: Encourage activities like obstacle courses, jumping jacks, or martial arts to help children channel their energy constructively.

     Kirk Martin [17:02]: "Maybe it's a certain movement, an exercise, physical activity that you do or you lead them to when your child is upset."

4. Enter Into Their Frustration:

   • Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge your child’s frustration without judgment or immediate correction.

     Kirk Martin [18:53]: "Instead of trying to convince them not to be frustrated, and then I'm leading them out of it. That's actually really good."

5. Provide Perspective and Space:

   • Share Personal Coping Mechanisms: Demonstrate how you handle frustration to guide them toward managing their own emotions.

     Kirk Martin [17:02]: "I share perspective. Hey, you know what I found when I get upset... now I'm providing perspective and space."

6. Assign Control Through Tasks:

   • Empower with Responsibilities: Giving children tasks or missions can help them regain a sense of control.

     Kirk Martin [18:53]: "Give them something they feel in control of at the moment, they feel out of control."

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Case Examples and Insights

Kirk shares real-life examples from his consultations to illustrate how understanding the root causes of a child's behavior can transform parental responses. He recounts a phone consultation where a father expressed that allowing his son to create chaos was inadvertently fostering connection.

Kirk Martin [14:51]: "Because now you don't even freaking exist... at least he cared enough to yell at me. Does that make sense?"

This highlights the importance of recognizing negative behaviors as attempts to connect, prompting parents to respond with empathy rather than punishment.

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Conclusion and Takeaways

Kirk concludes the episode by reinforcing the dual approach needed to handle chaotic children:

1. Insight: Understanding the emotional and psychological needs driving the behavior.
2. Action: Implementing strategies that address these needs constructively.

He encourages parents to change their perception of their child’s behavior, fostering compassion and patience, which are crucial for meaningful breakthroughs.

Kirk Martin [20:03]: "Look, if that's all you did this week is just to sit back and change and say, okay, I get that. And then maybe next week or a couple weeks later, we work on the action steps to actually lead them out of it, that would be perfectly great."

Kirk invites listeners to seek further assistance through Celebrate Calm’s programs, phone consultations, and newsletters to continue their journey toward calmer and more connected family relationships.

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Key Quotes

• Understanding Behavior:

  "All he knows is that when I do X, parents, teachers, siblings, all react with intensity. They give me their full, undivided attention, and it feels like connection to me." [03:34]

• Positive Intensity:

  "Give positive intensity when reinforcing his gifts and passions." [15:47]

• Entering Frustration:

  "Instead of trying to convince them not to be frustrated, and then I'm leading them out of it. That's actually really good." [18:53]

• Compassion Over Judgment:

  "See, that's why I love doing the podcast... because you get insight while you're talking." [12:45]

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Final Thoughts

This episode provides a compassionate and insightful perspective on managing children who create chaos, emphasizing the importance of understanding underlying emotional needs and responding with positive intensity. Kirk Martin's approach encourages parents to build stronger, more empathetic relationships with their children, ultimately leading to a more harmonious household.

For more resources and support, visit CelebrateCalm.com or reach out via email at [e-mail].

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

Do you have a child who seems to intentionally create chaos in your home on purpose?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

It's like they push your buttons, they act out when on family outings, right? Because with a strong willed child, usually when they're out with one parent, it's just fine. Take the whole family or both parents and now it's miserable. Oftentimes these kids, they provoke their siblings like even just walking by them, flicking them, saying negative things all the time. Or maybe you have an adopted child or one who struggles with attachment issues. Well good. Then I have a really critical insight for you and that's what I'm going to share with you on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] or definitely reach out to our son Casey, the strong will child. He is now a strong willed young man. His email address is Casey C A S E Y celebrate calm.com Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply personally back to you because our family mission is to help you. So we had over the course of a decade about 1500 kids in our home because I had this vision of taking these strong willed kids, the kids who didn't fit in, the kids who got in trouble at school, all the Time. Kids on the spectrum, right? Lots of adopted and foster kids. We had those. The idea was we would bring them into our home because, you know, you can go to therapy and sit one on one and tell the therapist whatever the therapist wants to hear. But we decided to open up our home. And the idea was we would have groups of 8, 10, 12, 15 kids in our home who all struggled with the same things. And then I could control the environment. So at times I would change plans on the kids last minute. Why? Because your kids really struggle when plans change, right? They have a high need for order and structure. When little things go wrong, it really freaks them out. So I could teach them in the moment. How do you deal with disappointment? How do you deal with frustration? How do you control your own emotions? So we had a lot of these kids and many of them were adopted, many have been foster care, Right. And many had severe attachment issues. And so we know how intense these kids can be and how emotionally disruptive they can be.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So I'm conducting a phone consultation a couple weeks ago with this great couple, and I'm asking questions and the dad says something really interesting. Here's what dad said. It's like when it's peaceful in the home, it makes our son uncomfortable. So he has to create chaos, rage, poke his siblings like he's looking for attention. And look, we hear that all the time. Well, our child is just doing things for attention. No, that's not accurate. Our kids are seeking intensity. The human brain is drawn to intensity, but it goes even deeper for some of our kids. So here's what's really happening. You have a child who struggles to feel understood, perhaps struggles to make friendships, struggles to connect with parents and sibling, siblings, doesn't always feel good about himself, and he doesn't know the appropriate way to feel or get that connection. And then maybe if you layer on top of that a child with some attachment issues, here's what this child learns. When everyone is intense with me, toward me, even when it's negative, I feel important, I feel heard, and that feels like connection to me. And this is really important. Your child does not differentiate between positive and negative intensity. All he knows is that when I do X, parents, teachers, siblings, all react with intensity. They give me their full, undivided attention, and it feels like connection. Think about this. Sometimes what I try to do on the phone consultations in our programs is get you inside the head and the heart of the child, right? Because we tend to approach everything from our own viewpoint and our own natural bent, right? Like Some of you are very type A or your compliant rule followers. So you think that everybody thinks like you and we don't and some of us like me, I tend to be a little bit more of a push the limits. So I have to try to get inside the head of someone who is a little bit more rule follower. Right. So I want you to get inside the head and the heart of these kids. And so here's what they're thinking. I am starved for connection. So however I can get it fastest and easiest because that's human nature, I will seek it. I'm starved for this, I need it, so I'm going to seek it. And so it usually manifests in negative behaviors. They're not trying to be a jerk and they're not trying to be selfish. I know you're going to think that all the time about well my child is so self centered. No they're really not. They're struggling so hard to hold things together that they have to go inward and control things on the outside because they don't feel like they have any control inside. Please know that I get emails every day. Well my daughter's just looking for control. Who isn't? We all are. We all seek homeostasis, we want stability. I am a very self aware, I think 56 year old man who I know throughout the day. I do different things because it gives me a sense of stability, of order and structure, of routine because that settles me inside.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

There's nothing wrong with that. We should normalize that. So don't freak out like oh my child's just looking for control. Of course they are.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so our job is to help them feel in control inside so that they don't have to control everybody else. Right. That's why they control games. That's why you can't play games with your kids because you're going to change the rules of the game. They're going to cheat or they're going to quit.

[Casey Martin]

Why?

[Kirk Martin]

Because that's a way of controlling the outcome of the game because if I lose that makes me a loser and I can't handle that because I have a fragile self confidence inside.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Can you see? It's usually something deeper. So they're not trying to be a jerk, they're not trying to be selfish because they feel hungry, they feel helpless, they feel desperate for that connection. And so when you think about it like that it completely changes how you see your child. And look, I'd say half of the battle or half of what we provide in our programs is insight into these kids so you can see them differently. And then the other half is how you actually address those negative behaviors in a positive way to change them, right? So half of it is understanding your child differently and then understanding exactly how to help them, right? And so this another light bulb goes off. And it's partly why I like talking to parents with the phone consultations, because we can get really, really deep. And I was like, look, I'm playing a hunch. Does your son happen to seek physical pressure a lot? And the parents responded, well, he loves jumping on a trampoline, swimming, doing martial arts. And I thought, bingo, this makes perfect sense. He also associates physical intensity, physical pressure with connection and. Or it's the physical pressure settles this child, right? It's like it provides boundaries for him. And so watch how the narrative changes. At the beginning of the phone call, we were discussing how to discipline a child who seeks negative attention, right? Who constantly bothers his siblings, who pushes buttons, who makes bad decisions all the time. Think about it. It's not like consequences are going to help change a kid's behavior who's struggling inside with these things, right? It's not like, so 30 minutes later we see the child and situation entirely different.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So this is a kid who is driven by these needs for intensity and physical pressure. By the way, some of you, like me, are grammar nazis. And I think I just said we see it entirely differently, right? So sometimes I just leave the mistakes in because I learned many, many years ago to practice being imperfect. Just practice imperfection. Leave the podcast, some of the programs. If you listen to our audio programs, you will hear me misspeak at times. And I purposefully didn't go back and edit that. Not because I'm lazy. It's because I want authenticity and I was practicing not being a freak with things. And I encourage you to do the same, right? So this is a kid, right?

[Podcast Co-Host]

Let me start that over.

[Kirk Martin]

And I'm not going to edit this out, even though it would be better if I did, just to prove my point, because I'm bullheaded like that. So 30 minutes later we see the child and the situation differently. This is a kid who is driven by these needs for intensity and physical pressure. He's hungry for that connection that he's missing, but he doesn't know how to get it. See, if you start to see your child differently, it gives you some measure of compassion, not excuses. I don't do excuses. It's not an excuse, but it's an explanation. And I get to see him differently, right? And now there's compassion. And now I have some more patience. Because look, if you just think your child wakes up every morning and just wants to be an absolute jerk and ruin your home life, well, I'm not going to have a lot of patience. For that kid, right? I'm going to get my way or the highway. You better stop that or else. But that doesn't change either. And then watch inadvertently what happens. And this happens with a lot of dads, right? Well, till he learns how to give me respect, I'm just not going to interact with him. Okay, now you allowed a little kid or a grown kid to push you away and then you justified it, right? Because you didn't. Look, it's hard. I'm not downplaying. This is really hard emotional work. But if you will justify that, you pull away. Guess what happens now? That kid can't get any connection. So what do you think he's going to do? He's probably either going to self medicate or he's really going to ramp it up because he needs that connection. Guess what happens now? He starts swearing at his father, doing worse things. Because then dad has no, no choice but to engage. But usually engage in a hostile, angry way. Well, guess what? If it's between. Look, wives, you know this. If it's between being ignored, right? One of the worst things, the opposite of love, is not necessarily hate. The worst thing is being ignored, being dismissed.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because now you don't even freaking exist. But at least if I get my dad so wound up he's engaging and his eyes are on fire, yelling at me. At least he cared enough to yell at me. Does that make sense? So he does know when he pushes buttons and creates chaos that people connect with him and invest in him. Even if it's negative, but it's still connection. And see, that'll make you cry if you think about it. We've been trying to discipline this kid when what we really needed was to understand him and teach him how to get that connection in positive ways. So your homework now is to proactively give your child positive intensity whenever he makes good decisions. Give positive intensity when reinforcing his gifts and passions.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And respond, not react, with positive intensity when he's upset. Now, we go through all this in the programs, but here are a few ideas. Let's try using intensity during these moments. It's that intensity that sometimes calms kids or makes them feel like they're being heard or taken seriously. So simple redirecting and distractions won't work because that's like giving a really hungry adult a piece of lettuce, right? He needs a burger or a steak. I like phrases like this. Oh man, if I were you, I'd be really frustrated too. See, that feels validating. Oh, I can See why that would make you feel anxious? Of course you're struggling with that assignment. See, that's good intensity. The wrong intensity is. I don't know. You know, if you would just focus, you would have been done with that assignment already. I don't know why it takes you. So. See, that's a negative intensity, right? And I'm normalizing. Of course you feel that's unfair. I totally get that. See, that intensity feels good, but it's positive. And I'd encourage you. You've got to do it in a non emotional way. And then I provide perspective and space. Don't tell your kids to calm down, right? How many of you like it when you say you need to calm down right now? Really?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I share perspective. Hey, you know what I found when I get upset, when I get frustrated, when things don't go my way, this is what I have found helps me see. Now I'm providing perspective and I'm letting them own it, right? And then I give them some space sometimes and think about ways to give your child some perhaps physical intensity. Maybe it's a certain movement, an exercise, physical activity that you do or you lead them to when your child is upset to see if you can draw them in, right? I have no problem. And I love having obstacle courses, right? Things to do, things that they can pull, push, shoveling dirt, mulch, making holes in the backyard. I don't care. I just want them doing something physical, right? So it may sound like this, man, I can tell you are really frustrated, and I would be too. So when I get frustrated, you know what I do and then I do it. I did this. Now, this is more with little kids, but I would do these freaky, intense jumping jacks or push ups or lead them to an obstacle course or. Or rope climbing setup, right? You know how intense that is to climb a rope, climb a tree, something your child can throw himself or herself into. I've had parents install huge padded mats against a basement wall so kids can literally run and jump into it, right? Some of your kids could use a little speed bag boxing set up in the basement, right? Or just climbing stuff is really cool. And then there's a transition to problem solving. I'm still intense, but it's not emotional. And that's hard for many of you. So I need you to practice that. Your kids need you to practice that. All right? I can tell you're frustrated. So how do you want to handle this? What should we do now? See, I'm not emotional and I'm fully engaged with my child in his or her frustration. But it's like I'm entering into it and I'm leading them out of it.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm going to repeat that so I can actually make a note here because it's really good. I've never said that before. You're entering into frustration with them. Watch, this is really important. Instead of trying to convince them not to be frustrated, and then I'm leading them out of it. That's actually really good. And so, see, that's why I love doing the podcast, like, why I love talking to people, because you get insight while you're talking, right? So I'm entering into the frustration with them instead of trying to convince them not to be frustrated. Because we do that all the time. That's what every husband does to his wife. Just about right. Just about every. Oh, honey, there's no need to be upset. No, what you should say is, of course you should be upset. That's really frustrating, honey. See, now I'm entering into the frustration so that then I can lead my child out of it. And giving them a job or a mission to do that has nothing to do with the current situation. You're giving your child something he or she feels in control of at the moment, they feel out of control. That's really, really good. Also, take a note on that or sign up for a newsletter, because I'm going to put this in the free newsletter. Hey, I could really use your help opening this jar. You think you could do that? The main thing I want you to think about is in that situation, they feel out of control. So I just gave them something they feel in control of. So this week, think about this. Why is your child behaving or reacting the way he is? Go deeper. Does your child associate intensity, whether it's positive or negative, with connection? Because remember, they don't distinguish between whether it's bad or good. All they know is intensity means connection with feeling important, with feeling hurt. So this week, let's change how you view your child. Look, if that's all you did this week is just to sit back and change and say, okay, I get that. And then maybe next week or a couple weeks later, we work on the action steps to actually lead them out of it, that would be perfectly great. Look, if you need help, go to our website, celebratecom.com you can look up. You can sign up and talk to me with a phone consultation, or I would get either calm parenting package or get everything package. And if you need help, email Casey C A-Y celebratehome.com for help. We will help you. We love you. We thank you for hanging in here. We thank you for being patient with these kids. And it's hard work. And we'd like to partner with you and come alongside to help you with this because it's rewarding on the other side as well, right when you can get some breakthroughs like this. All right. Talk to you later.

[Casey Martin]

Bye.