Calm Parenting Podcast — Episode #556

“Child Who Struggles with Physical Aggression, Impulsivity, ADHD, Social Skills, Anxiety?”
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: January 25, 2026

Episode Overview

In this lively, practical, and honest Q&A episode, Kirk Martin responds impromptu to a series of parent questions about raising strong-willed, neurodivergent children who may struggle with impulsivity, aggression, social skills, ADHD, anxiety, and more. Drawing on 25 years of hands-on experience with over a million families, Kirk delivers actionable strategies for addressing challenging behaviors at their root, focusing on relationship, brain science, and positive tools instead of shame, quick fixes, or overreliance on labels and consequences. The tone is empowering, empathetic, and often humorous, offering hope and relief for parents who feel isolated or misunderstood.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Neuropsych Testing: Is It Worth It?

[02:00–05:15]

• Testing can help if it unlocks services at school or reveals insights not already known.
  • “If the testing will help you get services in school that you couldn’t get otherwise, might be worth doing. If you can get specific insight into your child that you don’t already have, it may be worth doing.” — Kirk [02:22]
• Often, expensive testing tells parents what they already know (e.g., “struggles with focus and attention”), but doesn’t provide tools for change.
• What matters more is understanding your child's underlying needs and how their brain works, not just getting a diagnosis or label.
  • “No matter what you do...At the end of the day, you have to understand what’s going on inside your child’s brain and heart so that you can help them at the root level.” — Kirk [03:40]

2. Lying & Stealing in Adopted and Strong-Willed Kids

[05:15–09:30]

• Lying and stealing are common, especially for adopted children, due to trauma, unmet needs, or seeking brain stimulation (not always a moral failing).
  • “Almost all adopted kids end up lying and stealing...sometimes it is, these are kids...even if you adopt kids from day one, they still experience some level of trauma in the womb beforehand. It’s just there.” — Kirk [05:36]
• Stealing and sneaking stimulate underactive brains by giving kids a sense of control, anticipation, and excitement.
• Instead of shaming, empathize and reframe:
  • “I know you know that’s wrong. Because they do. That’s why they sneak it, and that’s why they lie about it.” [06:52]
• Offer positive outlets for energy and need for stimulation—side businesses, service projects, investing, entrepreneurial activities, etc.
  • “What if we put all that energy, instead of trying to sneak things, we built a little side business?" [07:34]

3. Strategies for ADHD & Impulse Control

[09:30–12:25]

• In schools, a diagnosis is often required for support, but understanding brain function and “managing energy and momentum” matters more than time management battles.
• Homework modifications:
  • Forts under the table, hanging upside down to boost blood flow, standing at counters, rocking, fidget strips—movement helps.
  • “When they’re upside down, blood flow rushes to the brain…movement and rhythm is really, really helpful.” — Kirk [10:19]
• Impulse control is a skill to be practiced, not just enforced:
  • “Of course, because you’re supposed to have impulse control issues when you’re a kid. And so you have to practice that.” — Kirk [11:14]
  • Examples: Saving fries at dinner, video game time exchange for early stopping.

4. Meeting Sensory and Physical Needs

[12:25–13:47]

• For very physical, sensory-seeking kids: Occupational Therapy, obstacle courses, digging, shoveling, gymnastics, rock climbing, martial arts, swimming.
• Proactively meeting sensory needs will often result in calmer kids.

5. Navigating Authority and Control Struggles

[13:47–15:20]

• Strong-willed kids may resist authority because they crave autonomy.
• Give kids ownership and choices within boundaries:
  • “Here’s what needs to be done…I relinquish control over how you get that done. As long as you get it done.” — Kirk [14:30]
• Give adult jobs, allow them to help manage or control appropriate things.

6. Why Kids Seek Negative Intensity & How to Redirect

[15:20–16:30]

• Kids sometimes “freak out” when parents stay calm because they’re seeking emotional intensity (even negatively).
  • “Yell at me, mommy, yell at me. Because what they’re really wanting is your intensity.” — Kirk [15:30]
• Instead, proactively provide positive intensity—projects, activities together.

7. The Unrealistic Expectation for Emotional Control by Age 7

[16:30–17:55]

• Societal and family pressure for kids to “have it together” by age 7 is unrealistic for most, and even many adults fall short.
  • “How many of you know 40 and 50-year-olds who don’t have it together yet?” — Kirk [16:50]
• Children need to know they’re loved and safe; maturity comes with time.

8. Social Skills & Asynchronous Development

[17:55–20:00]

• Many neurodivergent kids are out of sync with peers: more comfortable with adults, younger kids, or animals.
• Use “planting seeds” rather than lectures to build social awareness, and model/practice with role-play.
  • “People generally don’t like other people…who dominate conversations, who always have to be right, who are sometimes too blunt or direct. So if you do those things, other kids won’t want to be around you.” — Kirk [18:45]
• Accept that not all kids desire peer friendships; honor their preferences.

9. Physical Aggression & Explosive Behavior—Root Causes

[20:00–23:50]

• First look for relationship ruptures, e.g., feelings about absent or abandoning parents, bullying.
  • “Where is there a broken relationship? Oftentimes...the father basically abandoned them...now he’s remarried and has a little kid…And since they’ve been doing that and he refused to call his dad, he’s been acting out in a very, very physical, aggressive way.” — Kirk [21:30]
• Validate anger as healthy; don’t push forgiveness or contact before a child is ready.
  • “You should be angry at your father. That’s very healthy to feel that way…You don’t have to talk to him until you are ready. See, I like that a lot more…” — Kirk [22:00]
• Positive alternatives: code words for venting, activities, and connecting to safe mentors/role models.

10. Principles for Parenting Teens

[23:50–25:17]

• Prioritize connection over control; don’t engage in drama, be patient, bond even over “inane” topics.
  • “Connection is everything. Be the parents who don’t do drama...Bond over the horrible music they like.” — Kirk [24:10]
• Affirm what they do well—honest, specific praise rather than general platitudes.

11. Navigating Extended Family Conflict and Judgment

[25:17–26:30]

• Example: A 5-year-old calling an uncle “old stink” led to weeks of family drama.
• The real immaturity was on the part of the adults, not the child.
  • “Who is more immature than a five-year-old? The uncle.” — Kirk [25:35]
• Trust your parenting, tune out uninformed relatives or compliance-obsessed critics.

12. Medication Struggles: Make it Playful

[26:30–27:40]

• If medication is gross or difficult to take, join the child in doing something gross or silly (e.g., drink a gross concoction) to turn it into a light, bonding experience.
  • “So my solution is pretty easy, which is your child is doing something uncomfortable...so you do something gross.” [26:35]

13. Dealing with Anxiety through Control

[27:40–29:00]

• Help children with anxiety by identifying things they can control in anxious situations (what to wear, where to go, menu, route, etc.).
• Normalize nervousness, problem-solve together, break down unknowns into manageable steps.
  • “Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things out of my control…So what can your daughter control?” — Kirk [28:00]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Testing:
  “At the end of the day, you have to understand what’s going on inside your child’s brain and heart so that you can help them at the root level.” — Kirk [03:40]

• On Lying & Stealing:
  “Almost all adopted kids end up lying and stealing...it is that deep need for brain stimulation.” — Kirk [05:36]

• On Control in Parenting:
  “I relinquish control over how you get that done. As long as you get it done.” — Kirk [14:30]

• On Social Development:
  “Plant seeds...I don’t like lecturing...you know what I found in life, is people generally don’t like other people who dominate conversations, who always have to be right, who are sometimes too blunt or direct.” — Kirk [18:45]

• On Big Feelings and Broken Relationships:
  “You should be angry at your father. That’s very healthy to feel that way because you should feel hurt. And you don’t have to talk to him until you are ready.” — Kirk [22:00]

• On Parenting Teens:
  “Connection is everything. Be parents who don’t do drama.” — Kirk [24:10]

• On Family Conflict Over Child Behavior:
  “More immature than a five-year-old, the uncle, because the uncle should have laughed it off…” — Kirk [25:35]

Key Takeaways

• Focus on underlying needs and brain science, not just diagnoses or labels.
• Practice empathy—understand why a behavior happens before reacting or shaming.
• Give kids positive outlets for their energy, autonomy in the “how,” and let them practice key skills.
• Build trust, especially through challenging moments, and prioritize connection over compliance.
• Respect each child’s uniqueness and preferences, especially with social relationships.
• Don’t let family or external critics undermine your confidence or your child’s growth path.
• Use humor, playfulness, and practical tools to turn daily struggles into opportunities for connection and learning.

For further strategies or personalized advice, Kirk encourages listeners to reach out at CelebrateCalm.com.