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So it's kind of funny to me that Casey's friends listen to the podcast and give me ideas. They all love Cozy Earth and one couple had a great New Year's idea. They said our home is often messy because we have two young kids. So we decided to make our bedroom like a resort so it's an escape for us. They went to cozyearth.com they use code CALM because they all know that one to get 20% off the new Baja bedding set. They said it's like a resort inspired haven at home. They already have the Cozy Earth luxuriously soft bamboo sheets that come with a 10 year warranty and 100 night sleep guarantee. Mrs. Kalm and I decided to make a fresh start in the New year with Cozy Earth Luxe bath towels. They are super soft and absorbent. Again, it makes you feel like you're being pampered at a resort. Start the new year off right. Give yourself the luxury you deserve. Head to cozyearth.com use my code CALM for up to 20% off. That's cozyearth.com code CALM.

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If you're shopping while working, eating or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers? Do they get the brands they love? Savings and cash back and you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Target, Sephora and even Expedia. Stack sales on top of cash back and feel what it's like to know you're maximizing the savings. It's easy to use and you get your cash back sent to you through PayPal or check. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app or go to rakuten.com to start saving today. It's the most rewarding way to shop. That's R a K u t e n rakuten.com so what do you do.

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With a child who lies and steals? Who has ADHD and impulse control issues? What about sensory processing disorder? A child who doesn't recognize authority figures, bosses, other people around, takes over situations? Hey, how do you handle it when your child kind of freaks out when you stay calm? Should you get testing for your child? Hey, do any of you have kids who struggle with social skills and kind of sabotage their relationships? How about pressure from family to hold your boundaries and discipline harder? How many of you have kids who will sometimes explode kind of physically and get very physical with you and throw things. What about kids who don't want to take medication or have anxiety? We're going to cover all of that if I can talk fast enough on this special Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martins, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecolm.com so I don't have this scripted. I'm kind of answering questions as they're coming at me. So I hope you learn from this. I'm going to try to fit in as many answers as I can. Okay, so here is the question, and this is a very common one, and I hesitate to answer this because it's specific to each family and child, but I hope that you can take from this a framework through which to see your kids and their struggles. So the child, the question was, hey, should we get this complete neuropsych testing for a child? Sometimes people are like, hey, should we get tested for adhd? Here's the thing. If the testing will help you get services in school that you couldn't get otherwise, might be worth doing. If you can get specific insight into your child that you don't already have, it may be worth doing. But I do want you to know, oftentimes what happens is one is very, very, very expensive. They often just tell you what you already know, right? Like, oh, your child struggles with focus and attention and comprehension. Well, I kind of knew that already. But what you don't usually learn are the tools to deal with issues X, Y and Z. And that's what it all no matter what you do. It doesn't matter what diagnosis you get, what label you put on it. At the end of the day, you have to understand what's going on inside your child's brain and heart so that you can help them at the root level, so you can get to the root of the issues and then give them very practical ways to handle those different issues. So this particular email was really great. Mom who had a child who has been adopted, and she's like, oh, we're struggling with lying and stealing. I can tell you from experience for 25 years with almost a million families and a lot of adopted kids, almost all adopted kids end up lying and stealing. And we don't have to get into the deeper parts of that. I mean, sometimes it is, these are kids. And, and even, look, even if you adopt kids from day one from the womb, basically, they still experience some level of trauma in the womb beforehand. It's just there. And so with lying and stealing, I have to figure out, okay, is this a moral issue or is there something underneath a need they're trying to meet? And sometimes it is a sense of lack that they have. And oftentimes it is that deep need for brain stimulation. Many of your kids don't get enough dopamine, dopamine don't get enough blood flow to the brain, so their brain is physiologically under stimulated. We've talked a lot about kids who need intense emotional engagement. So when I steal something, well, one that gives me something I'm in control of. If I'm sneaking the iPad or food in the middle of the night, well, now I'm using this strategic brain, and I might get in trouble. That's really stimulating for the brain. So what I like to do with kids is to pull them to come alongside and say, hey, I know you know that's wrong. Because they do. That's why they sneak it, and that's why they lie about it. And I can say, hey, what does it feel like in the middle of the night when you get up? Because does it feel kind of interesting and stimulating for your brain? Because you're using your strategic brain to try to sneak and get away with this? And then there's anticipation of getting this thing that you shouldn't have. And then you have to wipe down the counters like they do on CSI so you don't get caught. Right? We can go through all of that. Instead of like, I can't believe that you would do that. Instead of that whole shaming thing, it's like, oh, well, I get why you would want to do that. So that ends up getting you in trouble all the time, and you're getting negative brain stimulation. But I know you've got a big heart. I know that you love money because many of our kids do. They're not greedy. They just like it. They're born entrepreneurs. So what if we put all that energy, instead of trying to sneak things, we built a little side business. What if you started investing and I matched my whatever you saved? What if we did service projects? Because these kids have big hearts? See, I find other ways, positive ways to meet those needs. And the mom went on and said, oh, our child has adhd. Look, in many schools, in order to get services, you need a diagnosis. So by all means, do that if you want. But it doesn't change the fact that we still need to really understand how their brains work. And instead of managing their time, we need to teach them how to manage their energy and use momentum, because that's how they work best. We have to do homework in different ways. Under the kitchen table with a blanket over top, so we have a fort. Giving them math homework to do worksheets while they're hanging upside down off the sofa. Because when they're upside down, blood flow rushes to the brain. Having them, instead of sitting at a table, stand at the kitchen counter where they can rock back and forth, listening to music, eating a snack, because the movement and rhythm is really, really helpful. We have to give teachers some tools, right? To give them a sensory strip that we put underneath their desk. Because fidgeting is proven to help kids remember things and to focus better. We just need to give them tools to do it so they don't interrupt the rest of the class sitting underneath their desk, giving them missions, making work harder. If you have our programs, listen to the ADHD university program, because that program alone has at least 100 ideas of how to do this. And then the mom was like, well, she has impulse control issues. Well, of course, because you're supposed to have impulse control issues when you're a kid. And so you have to practice that. Impulse control is a skill that you have to practice. And I practice that at the store. I practice that at a restaurant by saying, like, hey, we're going to leave three french fries on the plate so we can practice delayed gratification with video games. Guys, you get 30 minutes to play your video games, but if you turn them off after 28 minutes, two minutes early, I will give you an additional eight minutes to play tomorrow night. Why? Because I'm teaching them. Well, I turned it off two minutes early, but I get more. That's delayed gratification. But I'm physically practicing that. Kids with sensory issues who are always kind of pushing up against things, they're very physical. Kids definitely see an occupational therapist. They're the best people in the world. They're great with kids. They're very, very practical. But I also want to have an obstacle course in the basement or backyard where your kids have to go search for toys or their food. They've got to climb under things and over things and push and pull things and dig holes in the backyard and shovel mulch and move heavy things. Gymnastics, rock climbing, martial arts, swimming, all very good for meeting these sensory needs. And you'll find if you proactively meet these sensory needs, it will calm your kids quite a bit. Well, and also, my daughter doesn't recognize authority. Of course she doesn't, because she wants to do things her own way. And that's why we have to give kids ownership of their choices within our boundaries. Here's what needs to be done. I'm very clear about it. But I relinquish control over how you get that done. As long as you get it done. And they're bossy, they take over situations. It's why they carry little acorns or stones in their pockets, because they don't feel in control of things. And that's why I give them ownership and more adult jobs. But the point is, I want you to learn what's going on inside your kids hearts and brains and then meet the underlying needs. And if testing helps you with that, fine. But if it's just going to cost you thousands of dollars and not help you, then maybe you put it off. And especially if your kids are really young, it's hard to do testing on a kid who's five or six or seven. So I'd rather you work these strategies first and see what we can learn by doing that. It'll save you a lot of money. I was going to say. So I'll just. I was going to say it's a lot cheaper just to buy like our 14 programs with 30 hours than just go and get testing. But anyway, so next question. My daughter freaks out if I'm calm. Well, we've had kids before say, yell at me, mommy, yell at me. Because what they're really wanting is your intensity. I just. Sometimes we have trained our kids brains to seek the negative because what happens, look, if kids are playing nicely in the living room, nobody says anything. But the moment they start fighting and squabbling, you know what, how many times do I have to tell you? I buy all these toys and you can't even play well together for 20 minutes. And kids learn early on if I do something wrong, I get a lot of intensity from adults. So I begin to bring in that positive intensity and proactive ways I've shared when our son always was looking for this. He still does at times. He's a grown man because he's a really intense kid and he come into a room and I finally stopped reacting and said, I can see that look in your eyes. I know what you want right now is my intense emotional engagement. So I'm not going to argue, not going in the courtroom. But here's what I will do with you. We could go to the garage and build something. I'll go play guitar. We can go do X or Y. And I met that need. So do that. Family and teachers say my child needs to have it together. Behaviorally with his impulses and emotions. By age 7, look, how many of you know 40 and 50 year olds who don't have it together yet? How many of us are still reactive and get upset? How many of us, how many grown adults are still sabotaging their relationships? Stop with some of that pressure and expectation temptations. Little kids are supposed to be impulsive. That's what childhood is for. Now what we need to have by age 7, ideally is for your child to know that they are loved, that it is safe, that is stable, and we want to progressively give them tools so they're maturing, but they shouldn't have it together. By seven, you just have judgmental relatives who have compliant, easygoing kids or who have strong willed kids that they have shut down their emotions and their kids are so afraid to misbehave that they just look like they're well behaved kids. Chill a little bit, moms and dads, you're going to be okay with that. Social skills. Now this is a tough one for our kids because many of our kids have something called asynchronous development. So they're out of sync, get along really well with older kids, with adults or also with animals and little kids, peers their own age, not always that interested in them, and they're stuck for 12 straight years going to school with only kids their own age. And a lot of our kids are also on the spectrum. And so they're very direct and black and white and honest. So one way to handle this, it was one of my favorite phrases to use is I plant seeds. I don't like lecturing. You know, honey, when you use that tone with other people, see, that sounds condescending. I talk them like adults. Hey, you know what I found in life is people generally don't like other people or being around other people who dominate conversations, who always have to prove their point, who always have to be right, who are sometimes too blunt or direct. And so if you do those things, other kids won't want to spend time with you or be their friend, be your friend. Now if you want, I can show you some different ways to handle these situations because I know it's hard and I can model and I can role play, but I also let the child know. Look, if you don't care about social acceptance or having friends your own age, which many of your kids don't, then as long as that's your choice, then that's fine. See, I only want it to work if it's their choice. I don't want it to be a thing where they're unaware that they're sabotaging all of their relationships and end up being 28 and have no good relationships. And some kids do choose not to have a lot of friendships and you've got to watch projecting your own preference or need onto them. Some of you are very social. I love having lots of friends. That's awesome for you. It's the way you're made. I don't want lots of friends. I have very few friends. But we have very, very deep friendships. That's a preference. If you struggle with this, go back and listen. In July, I did two podcasts two weeks in a row on social skills and sibling squabbles. I think you'll really help it. But we have to give these kids tools but also respect the fact that some kids, they just don't care and that's okay too. So what about a child who gets explosive physically? So do you have sensitive eaters at home? I bet you do. Juggling different food demands can be exhausting and time consuming. That's one reason we love Hungryroot. They deliver healthy meals customized for your family's food preferences right to your door. Other services have way too many ingredients and complicated recipes. Hungryroot keeps it simple, delicious and healthy with no waste or stress. Dinner tonight felt like a fun night out. Mrs. Kalm loved the oven roasted salmon while I devoured my beef short ribs with baby broccoli and our nephew gobbled the chicken strips with rosemary potatoes. I put all of this together myself in less than 20 minutes with very little prep and cleanup. You're going to love Hungryroot as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm why choose a.