Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode 439 - Consequences for Defiance, Disrespect & Lying

Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm
Release Date: January 15, 2025

Introduction to Handling Defiance and Disrespect

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, Kirk Martin delves into effective strategies for managing children who exhibit defiant, disrespectful, or dishonest behaviors. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, Kirk offers practical advice aimed at fostering respectful relationships without resorting to power struggles or punitive measures.

Personal Story: Navigating Defiance with Niece Jordan

Kirk opens with a personal anecdote involving his niece, Jordan, a strong-willed child dealing with the challenges of adoption and social interactions.

• The Incident:
  During a chaotic Christmas gathering, Jordan asks Kirk to watch over a plate of cookies. When she returns, the cookies are gone, and she declares, "Uncle Kirk, I don't like you" ([01:45]).

• Kirk’s Response:
  Instead of reacting emotionally or imposing immediate consequences, Kirk chooses a different approach:

  "I could have given her a consequence for that, but just don't assume or think the consequences actually change human behavior all that." ([04:30])

  He engages Jordan in baking more cookies, fostering a calm environment and building a positive connection:

  "We had our hands in the cookie dough and we're side by side and we're talking and having a good time." ([06:15])

• Outcome:
  This approach not only diffused the immediate tension but also led to a heartfelt apology and deeper communication later on:

  "A couple hours later, I said, hey, Jordan, listen... we could make some more Christmas cookies." ([07:00])

Strategies for Handling Disrespectful Behavior

Kirk emphasizes the importance of balancing boundaries without escalating conflicts.

• Avoiding Extremes:
  He advises against both excusing bad behavior and shutting children down completely:

  "I don't want to excuse the behavior. I also don't want to go the opposite route and just shut kids down." ([02:10])

• Implementing Appropriate Consequences:
  While consequences are necessary, Kirk advises that they often need to be complemented with efforts to address the underlying issues:

  "You're never going to talk to me like that young man because they're just going to look at you and like my son did at one point and say, just did." ([02:50])

• Meeting Sensory Needs:
  For sensory-driven children, engaging them in tactile activities can preempt defiance:

  "You have kids who like to experiment with things and to see how things work... giving your kids very tactile things to do, meeting sensory needs proactively." ([12:00])

Cultivating Self-Respect in Children

Shifting the focus from demanding respect to fostering self-respect is a cornerstone of Kirk’s approach.

• Teaching Self-Respect:
  Instead of demanding respect, parents should model and emphasize self-respect:

  "I have something called self respect. And self respect, moms and dads, is really important because if you have to demand respect from another person... I always have the power to demonstrate self respect." ([24:30])

• Setting Clear Boundaries Without Reacting Dramatically:
  Kirk shares examples of how to calmly set boundaries when faced with disrespect:

  "Look, you can be disrespectful. Just know that I have 40 years of experience being pretty strong willed myself." ([19:50])

Handling Older Children and Teenagers

Managing defiance in older children and teenagers requires a nuanced approach that combines consequences with emotional support.

• Consequences for Serious Behaviors:
  For behaviors with significant implications, such as substance abuse, Kirk advocates for firm consequences:

  "If I have a teenager who is starting to do drugs or is drinking, maybe even vaping my consequences, hey, I just want you to know... no use of the car, driver's license taken away." ([28:10])

• Addressing Root Causes:
  Beyond consequences, understanding and addressing the emotional or social factors driving the behavior is crucial:

  "The real work that needs to be done is to figure out, hey, why have you started smoking weed?... I want to help you with that." ([29:50])

• Maintaining Relationships:
  Kirk underscores that a strong parent-child relationship is more effective in changing behavior than punitive measures alone:

  "Relationship and connection changes behavior more than anything else." ([37:45])

Practical Tips and Techniques

Kirk provides actionable strategies for parents to implement in various challenging situations:

1. Engage in Shared Activities:
   Building connections through activities like cooking can create opportunities for meaningful conversations without confrontation.

2. Use Short, Clear Phrases:
   Phrases like "not how I roll" can effectively communicate boundaries without lengthy disputes.

3. Avoid Emotional Reactions:
   Maintaining a calm and matter-of-fact tone helps prevent escalating conflicts.

4. Empower Children with Choices:
   Giving children ownership over tasks makes them feel respected and reduces defiant behaviors.

5. Step Outside the Room:
   When expecting pushback, giving children space to respond can prevent immediate defiance and foster independent decision-making.

Conclusion: Emphasizing Connection Over Consequences

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating that while consequences are necessary, the foundation of effective parenting lies in building strong, respectful relationships. By prioritizing connection and understanding over punitive measures, parents can foster environments where children feel valued and are more likely to exhibit positive behaviors.

• Final Thoughts:

  "There is no drama whether I'm disciplining a toddler, a 4 year old, a 9 year old, a 15 year old. What I always come down to is there is no drama." ([40:20])

  "At the end of all of this, it's the one thing I always want you to hear. It's about the relationship. Relationship and connection changes behavior more than anything else." ([41:15])

Kirk encourages parents to practice these strategies, assuring them that fostering mutual respect and understanding will lead to more harmonious family dynamics.

Additional Resources

For parents seeking further guidance, Kirk mentions the Stop Defiance and Disrespect program, part of the broader package at Celebrate Calm, which includes discipline and 13 other programs designed to support parents in managing challenging behaviors.

Contact: sale@celebratecalm.com
Website: www.CelebrateCalm.com

Empowering parents to navigate the complexities of raising strong-willed children with calmness and connection.