Calm Parenting Podcast: Defiant, Disrespectful Child: A Script to Repair Your Relationship #464

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: March 30, 2025

Introduction

In episode #464 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves deep into the challenging dynamics between parents and strong-willed children. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical strategies to repair and strengthen parent-child relationships marred by defiance and disrespect.

The Struggle with a Strong-Willed Child

Kirk opens the episode with a heartfelt confession about his early challenges as a father:

“I did not like our son when he was young. He was so challenging. Everything was hard.” [02:15]

He recounts the difficulties he faced, from simple tasks like putting on shoes to more significant issues like schoolwork, describing his son's intense emotional meltdowns. Initially, Kirk’s approach was to change his son, leading to a strained and nearly broken relationship. This personal anecdote sets the stage for understanding the deep-rooted emotional conflicts between parents and strong-willed children.

Understanding the Root Causes

Kirk emphasizes that what often appears as defiance or disrespect may stem from underlying anxiety or a broken relationship. He differentiates between genuine defiance and behavior driven by anxiety:

“The anxious child is nervous about unknowns... and that had nothing to do with being defiant. It was just an anxious kid.” [08:45]

He explains that recognizing these underlying emotions is crucial for building a trusting relationship and providing children with tools to manage their anxiety.

Case Study: A Father and His Two Sons

To illustrate his points, Kirk shares a vivid story of a father struggling with two sons—one strong-willed and the other compliant. The narrative unfolds during a family dinner where tensions escalate:

“I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult, son. Your brother never gives me any problems.” [12:30]

The strong-willed child responds with a defiant and disrespectful outburst, using strong language and storming off. This incident exemplifies the common power struggles that many families face.

The Turning Point: Acknowledging Personal Flaws

Kirk underscores the importance of parents addressing their own issues before attempting to change their children. He advises:

“You absolutely must work through your own issues and learn how to accept your strong-willed child on a deep level.” [20:10]

By accepting their children as they are, parents can prevent the erosion of self-confidence and the deterioration of the parent-child relationship.

Rebuilding the Relationship: Humility and Apology

The father in Kirk’s story realizes his mistake and adopts a humble approach to mend the relationship. Key moments include:

1. Taking a Pause: After the outburst, the father retreats to the garage to manage his stress, demonstrating self-control and humility.

   “I pulled up your app on my phone and I pushed the button. It's always a good reminder.” [25:50]

2. Respecting Boundaries: Instead of confronting his son aggressively, he respectfully knocks on the bedroom door and waits, showing respect for his son's space.

3. Sincere Apology: The father apologizes for his behavior and expresses his desire to reconnect:

   “Son, I'm sorry I yelled at you and said those things. I was wrong and I'm sorry for how I've treated you so differently.” [33:20]

This approach breaks down the emotional walls between them, leading to an honest and heartfelt conversation about their feelings and misunderstandings.

Strategies for Repairing Parent-Child Relationships

Kirk offers actionable strategies to help parents navigate and repair strained relationships with strong-willed children:

1. Take an Interest in Your Child’s Interests

   • Immerse Yourself: Engage in activities your child enjoys, even if they differ from your own preferences.

   • Ask Questions: Show genuine curiosity about their passions to understand what drives them.

   “Ask questions. Be genuinely curious.” [40:05]

2. Ask Your Child to Teach You Something

   • Empower Them: Allowing children to teach you fosters confidence and mutual respect.

   • Build Connection: This creates opportunities for meaningful interactions and shared learning experiences.

   “Ask your child to teach you something. There's something very magical and beautiful that happens.” [45:30]

3. Develop a Reset Routine

   • Manage Emotions: Establishing a routine to calm down before addressing conflicts can prevent escalation.
   • Promote Humility: Acknowledging your own mistakes sets a positive example for your child.

4. Enter Their World

   • Understand Their Perspective: By stepping into their interests and acknowledging their feelings, parents can bridge the emotional gap.

   • Avoid Judgment: Focus on understanding rather than criticizing their choices.

   “You enter into their world instead of standing over here and saying, hey, care about the things that I care about.” [50:15]

Conclusion: The Power of Humble Connections

Kirk wraps up the episode by reinforcing the transformative power of humility and genuine connection in parenting. He shares the enduring bond he now shares with his son, Casey, illustrating that overcoming defiance leads to deeper understanding and a stronger relationship.

“Sometimes the worst moments of defiance can lead to the greatest bonding and learning opportunities.” [55:40]

Kirk encourages parents to listen to the episode multiple times, utilize the available resources, and remain committed to the challenging yet rewarding journey of parenting.

Final Thoughts

This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast serves as a compassionate guide for parents navigating the turbulent waters of raising strong-willed children. Kirk Martin combines personal experience with practical strategies, offering hope and actionable advice for repairing and enriching parent-child relationships.

Notable Quotes:

1. “I did not like our son when he was young. He was so challenging. Everything was hard.” — Kirk Martin [02:15]
2. “The anxious child is nervous about unknowns... and that had nothing to do with being defiant. It was just an anxious kid.” — Kirk Martin [08:45]
3. “You absolutely must work through your own issues and learn how to accept your strong-willed child on a deep level.” — Kirk Martin [20:10]
4. “Son, I'm sorry I yelled at you and said those things. I was wrong and I'm sorry for how I've treated you so differently.” — Father in Case Study [33:20]
5. “Ask questions. Be genuinely curious.” — Kirk Martin [40:05]
6. “Ask your child to teach you something. There's something very magical and beautiful that happens.” — Kirk Martin [45:30]
7. “You enter into their world instead of standing over here and saying, hey, care about the things that I care about.” — Kirk Martin [50:15]
8. “Sometimes the worst moments of defiance can lead to the greatest bonding and learning opportunities.” — Kirk Martin [55:40]

Resources Mentioned:

• Celebrate Calm: celebratecalm.com
• No BS Program: Available through the Celebrate Calm app with scripts and action steps.

Note: Promotional sections related to Happy Mammoth, American Express, AG1, and HungryRoot have been excluded from this summary as per the request.