Dishonesty or Distrust? When Kids Lie or Won’t Talk to You. - Calm Parenting Podcast

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Transcript9 lines

[00:01]
A
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
[00:03]
B
Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H t c a l.com calm.
[01:21]
A
So you have a child who lies to you or isn't fully honest about things or sometimes kind of hides things, obfuscates a little bit and so you never really know what's going on and that's disconcerting to you. And so I get emails, they'll be like, oh, my son is dishonest. And sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust. And that's what I'm going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is going to be a short one, quick one. I want to hit it hard. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com thank you for listening to the podcast. Please share this with others. If you need help, reach out to our son. His name is Casey. C A s e y celebratecolman.com Let us know about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We discuss it, we reply back to you pretty quickly with details, strategies, some ideas for you because that's our family mission. If you need help with anything else, just contact Casey. We have in this episode, I think I'm going to focus a lot on the no BS program and I would just say this. If you have a middle school or high school child, you should have this. It is the instruction manual that you didn't get when you came home from the hospital with a strong willed child or if you adopted that child, is 25 specific action steps that will rebuild your relationship. So here's the deal with this situation. I was talking to a family phone consultation and they're like, you know, I've got this son and he's really interested in history. And you know, we were at this special school dinner and he got up there and he was supposed to state what his major was going to be in college, but he didn't want to say he was going to be a history major. And so they were really concerned because he kind of lied. And if you dig into it, here's what you find. He's got family all around him who's giving him a hard time because a history major isn't going to make enough money. And that's not like a hard scientist. He's not going to be like an engineer or physicist or something else, right? And so he's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is. And I would say for many of your strong will kids from an early age, that's what it feels like. Nobody really understands me. School's against me, teachers are against me, everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason. And it feels like I'm swimming against the upstream, against society. And nobody really gets me because I'm just in trouble all the time. That's a horrible way to go through your childhood and that will lead to a lot of negative things. So deep, deep acceptance of your child. Really, really important. By the way, let's please watch how we talk to kids about things. Who says you can't make a lot of money being a history major? If any of you are fans of Dan Carlin and hardcore history, he is one of the most passionate guys about history and he has built a really great organization and following doing that. So as long as you're passionate about something, you make a fine living and even a great living. And who cares? If your child loves this and it's inside of him, you should want him to do it. So here's what I think is really going on. After I got done with this consultation, I kind of wrote this thing out and I was like, is this dishonesty or distrust? Now I get it. This kid is, he's a thoughtful, intuitive, deep thinking kid. He's a Feeler. And you've got to watch, watch your kids who are very sensitive. They're often very sensitive, even physically to things, but they're sensitive. And so that can cut both ways, right? Some of it is they assume that teachers don't like them, they feel things so deeply. It also means that they can also be very intuitive in feeling the pain of other people and they can have a big heart toward people who are struggling. And they're often chameleons, right? They kind of change their colors to fit in a little bit, which is honestly a fantastic skill to have. We just want them to be confident in how they do it. Right. Part of it is they don't like being watched or pressured. Please know that about your strong willed kids. If you are standing over them, watching them, pressuring them and not giving them space to touch the hot stove themselves to figure things out, here's what they're going to say. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not going to do things with you metaphorically or physically watching over me. I want to figure some things out on my own. I want to know that it's okay to try some things in a different way and not be judged for it and not be disappoint everybody. That is hugely huge, important. So here's a key point. Consider this with your child, maybe every time your child has spoken up, told the truth, told you something, that he registers the disappointment on your face and he's simply tired of it, he simply doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore. Because some of you like, like me, are type A people and you've got a plan, you went through life a certain way and your child doesn't go through life that same way. And you're nervous, you're anxious about his future and you want him or her to do it a certain way. And so when your child did open up and did tell you the truth in the past, did you register disappointment? Did you say, you know, that's good, but did you really accept that? Did you, Were you curious and say, hey, that's an interesting take, that's an interesting path, I wouldn't have thought of it? I'm curious. Why does that appeal to you? Because I'd really like to learn. Were you curious or do they, do your kids register the disappointment? What they say over time is it's just not worth it. Why? You tell me to open up and tell you the truth, but then when I do, your reaction to it is usually try to convince me otherwise, talk me out of it and I'm just tired of it. And when we moved to our home.
[07:16]
C
We were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate and it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers and including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the Code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.
[08:32]
A
So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday, I wish I.
[08:34]
C
Had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the Morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drink ag1.com Calm Look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win.
[09:44]
A
And so this kid, my assumption was he's just tired of it and so he doesn't want to have to deal with it. So he just tells people what they want to hear so that he can go and do his own thing, right? And here's a common thing. This isn't always true, but for dads, a lot of what motivates us and helps us and hurts us as dads is we want our kids to be successful. Here's what mainly drove me and drives me as a dad. I want my son to be successful. And what I see is he's missing out on opportunities to do certain things because some of your kids are anxious and they won't go for it. They won't jump into things. And this one dad I was talking to, he's like, yeah, I always regretted that I didn't do rotc. I should have done that. And so watch what happens. As the dad, I'm now dealing with the regrets that I had when I was younger that led me to not be as successful as I should have. And I love my son, and I don't want him to miss out on things like I did. So now I'm going to make sure that I'm on him all the time, right? So when dad sees his son making the same mistakes, a dad can often get angry about it and react. I know that because with Casey and I, we have the same triggers. We're sometimes jerks at the same time. So when he's impatient, I look. When Casey is impatient, what happens is I recognize that same trait inside of me. So I snap at him because I don't want him to be like me in that way. And then it becomes this vicious cycle. So dads, moms watch out for that. Now, moms again, this is as a whole, here's what a dad wants. I want my child to grow up and be successful. Moms tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy, right? So mom's thing is like, oh, honey, you'd have so many friends and you'd have. And you'd be so happy if you just did it that way. And I so want you to do better. I want you to be happy in life. And so when your son or your daughter doesn't make those decisions, you begin to lecture and get on him, right? And there's. And you say things of like, oh, oh, honey, you don't know what you're missing. I hate that phrase. Is there anything worse? Oh, you don't know what you're missing. Truth is, yeah, you know what? I do know what I'm missing. Okay? And I'm okay. Or I don't know what I'm missing, and I'm okay with that. But don't impose what is meaningful to you on me. Don't assume that your child cares about the same things that you care about. Now, when it comes to anxiety. I don't have a problem. And I encourage you to give your child tools. So that one we're going to normalize anxiety. Of course. Of course you don't want to go do new things. It's scary, it's normal. Nothing wrong with you. And then I give tools, like having someone at the place where they're going to go give my child a job to do, so it makes it a little bit easier for him to participate. It brings down the barriers. So I don't give up on it. Just saying, don't impose your stuff on your child, right? So with dad's like, why would I be successful? And I missed out on things when I was a kid, so I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen. And mom's like, I just want to be happy. So we have to begin with a deep, deep acceptance of who your child is. Right. We have to show that we understand him because that also helps him understand himself. That is huge. So he doesn't feel like there's something wrong with him. Much of the time in the NO BS program, what we're going through is this process of releasing your child from your expectations, releasing them from being just like you so you can accept them and they feel confident. Nobody's going to feel confident if I always feel like people are disappointed in me. So here's a good thing that you could do. Apologize. Right? I did this with Casey all the time. Hey, Case, listen, I need to apologize. The reason I just snapped at you is because that's something I've struggled with and I shouldn't be taking that out on you. I'm projecting what I'm angry at myself about and putting on that on you. And that's not fair. And Bob, maybe you explain. You say, honey, I love you so much. I love you so much. I just want the best for you. But it's my issue. It's my issue because I'm trying too hard sometimes and I haven't accepted you as you are. Can you imagine what it would feel like for parents of a teenager or a middle schooler or even a third grader to come along and say, I need to apologize because I haven't always accepted you as you are? It probably. Does it feel like I'm always pressuring you to be someone else or to be just like me? How awesome a question would that be to do that? So you're going to now teach your child a new skill, how to speak up and say things that didn't that disappoint you, right. To have him actually practice and say, mom, Dad, I didn't do my assignment. See, he usually can't do that. Not because he's dishonest, but it's because dad gets angry and mom lectures and makes him feel like a failure. True. Now it could be that mom gets right, it doesn't matter which one. The parents get angry, then you lecture and you make them feel like a failure. So guess what your child learns. Well, I can't tell them the truth. It's not worth it because now I'm just going to get hammered for that. Right? And so that's a new skill for him. You could even give your child a script to use, even a code word. Hey, football. That means, dad, I want to go outside and play catch and I need to tell you something that you maybe not like, but I'm giving you a heads up because I use that code word. And we're going to go toss the ball around and I want you to know, please don't react and make me feel like I'm this tall because I'm. It takes some courage to tell you the truth. And I'm doing that. So that code word thing, awesome. It's also a new skill for you, how to not react to your child and show that disappointment, anger, how to accept your child as he or she is and normalize things, actually problem solve instead of shaming them. Right. Another great question to ask your child. Does it ever feel like we've misunderstood your motives? Does it ever feel like nothing you can do will please us? If so, then I apologize. See, what we entered this conversation with was, well, we have a dishonesty issue when in reality it's a distrust issue. They don't trust us enough sometimes to.
[16:23]
C
Tell us the truth because of how we react.
[16:26]
A
And it's also a skills issue. Child needs to learn how to speak up and tell the truth and be assertive about what his or her needs. And we need a skill of learning to not react so that they do own up. So we own. Each person owns his or her part in this. And that's an awesome thing, right? And something you can tell your child sometime is we haven't made it easy for you to be honest because we've been waiting with the wagging finger. We've been lecturing you and moralizing to you about integrity issues when it wasn't integrity issue at all. It was an issue that you just couldn't trust us. And so we apologize for that right now that that will change behavior in the home that will change change relationships. And remember it is relationships that change behavior. Consequences don't change behavior. Relationships do. Giving people new skills do. So I'm going to encourage you very bluntly. If you do not have it yet go to the website celebratehome.com nobs get that program. It's 25 specific action steps. Short and sweet. I made it so guys could do it and would do it because men won't go through like 30 hours of stuff but they'll go through something that's very specific. And you go through these action steps one by one you will rebuild that relationship with your child and you will learn new skills. It is an awesome thing. If you need help reach out to Casey. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for letting me be tough on you. It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more. So thank you. Love you all. Bye.

Summary5 min read

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary: "Dishonesty or Distrust? When Kids Lie or Won’t Talk to You"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: October 16, 2022
Podcast: Calm Parenting Podcast

Introduction

In the episode titled "Dishonesty or Distrust? When Kids Lie or Won’t Talk to You," Kirk Martin delves into the nuanced dynamics between parental perceptions of dishonesty in children and the underlying issues of distrust. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, Kirk offers practical strategies to transform strained parent-child relationships into trusting, open dialogues.

Dishonesty vs. Distrust

Kirk begins by addressing a common parental concern: children exhibiting dishonesty or evasion. He emphasizes that what often appears as lying is frequently a manifestation of trust issues. According to Kirk, understanding this distinction is crucial for effective parenting.

Kirk Martin [01:30]: "Sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust."

Case Study: The History Major Dilemma

To illustrate his point, Kirk shares a consultation scenario involving a parent whose son lied about his intended college major. The son professed an interest in history during a school event but retracted it under family pressure asserting that history doesn't lead to lucrative careers.

Kirk Martin [02:10]: "He's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is."

Kirk explains that the son's falsehood stemmed from feeling unsupported and misunderstood, leading him to conceal his true aspirations to avoid familial criticism.

Understanding the Child’s Perspective

Kirk delves deeper into the emotional landscape of strong-willed children, highlighting their sensitivity and intuitive nature. These children often feel isolated, believing that nobody understands them, which breeds a sense of rebellion and secrecy.

Kirk Martin [03:45]: "School's against me, teachers are against me, everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason."

This pervasive sense of antagonism can result in children developing coping mechanisms such as lying or withholding the truth, not out of malice, but as a means to navigate their challenging environments.

Parental Reflections and Reactions

Kirk discusses the common parental reactions driven by fears and unfulfilled aspirations. Fathers, in particular, might project their own regrets onto their children, pushing them towards success in ways they themselves struggled to achieve.

Kirk Martin [05:00]: "I want my child to grow up and be successful. Moms tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy."

This projection often leads to micromanagement and pressure, which inadvertently fosters distrust and resistance in children.

Strategies to Rebuild Trust

Kirk outlines several actionable strategies to shift from a foundation of distrust to one of mutual understanding and respect:

Deep Acceptance of the Child:
- Embrace the child’s unique interests and strengths without imposing personal expectations.
- Avoid dismissive remarks about their choices, such as belittling a history major.
Apologizing and Acknowledging Parental Shortcomings:
- Kirk Martin [12:00]: "Apologize. Right? I did this with Casey all the time. Hey, Casey, listen, I need to apologize."
- Recognize and admit to the child when you’ve failed to accept them as they are.
Teaching Communication Skills:
- Encourage children to express their truths without fear of judgment.
- Introduce tools like code words to signify the need for open dialogue without triggering defensive reactions.
Avoiding Reactive Behaviors:
- Parents should strive to respond calmly and constructively rather than with anger and lectures.
- Shift focus from punitive measures to problem-solving and understanding.
Normalizing Emotions:
- Validate the child’s feelings, especially anxiety, to reduce the stigma around expressing vulnerabilities.
- Provide support systems that make participation in activities less intimidating.

Fathers vs. Mothers: Different Motivations

Kirk highlights the distinct motivations often held by fathers and mothers:

Fathers tend to focus on success and opportunities, driven by their own experiences and regrets.
Mothers usually prioritize happiness and social well-being, aiming for their children to find contentment and joy.

These differing priorities can lead to conflicting pressures on the child, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and misunderstanding.

Building a Foundation of Trust

Central to Kirk’s message is the importance of relationship-building over traditional disciplinary approaches. He asserts that:

Kirk Martin [14:50]: "Relationships change behavior. Consequences don't change behavior."

By fostering strong, trusting relationships, parents can create an environment where children feel safe to be honest and authentic.

Promoting the NO BS Program

Kirk concludes by promoting the NO BS program, a structured guide comprising 25 specific action steps designed to help parents rebuild trust and enhance their relationships with their children. Tailored to be concise and actionable, the program addresses the unique challenges faced by strong-willed children and their parents.

Kirk Martin [15:30]: "If you do not have it yet, go to the website celebratehome.com/nobs. Get that program. It's 25 specific action steps."

Final Thoughts

In wrapping up the episode, Kirk reiterates the significance of acceptance, open communication, and relationship-focused strategies in addressing issues of dishonesty and distrust. By implementing the strategies discussed, parents can pave the way for more honest and fulfilling interactions with their children.

Kirk Martin [16:00]: "Thank you for letting me be tough on you. It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more."

Key Takeaways

Distinguish Between Dishonesty and Distrust: Understand that lies may often mask deeper trust issues.
Accept and Validate: Embrace your child’s individuality and interests without imposing your expectations.
Communicate Effectively: Foster open dialogue through supportive and non-reactive communication techniques.
Apologize and Reflect: Admit when you’ve fallen short in accepting your child, and work towards rectifying it.
Build Strong Relationships: Focus on relationship-building as the foundation for positive behavioral change.

Notable Quotes

Kirk Martin [02:10]: "He's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is."
Kirk Martin [05:00]: "I want my child to grow up and be successful. Moms tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy."
Kirk Martin [14:50]: "Relationships change behavior. Consequences don't change behavior."
Kirk Martin [16:00]: "Thank you for letting me be tough on you. It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more."

Resources Mentioned

NO BS Program: A comprehensive guide with 25 action steps to rebuild parent-child relationships. Available at celebratehome.com/nobs.

This episode serves as a valuable resource for parents navigating the complexities of raising strong-willed children. By shifting perspectives from punitive measures to empathetic understanding and relationship-building, Kirk Martin provides actionable insights to foster honesty and trust within the family dynamic.

Loading summary

Transcript9 lines

[00:01]
A
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
[00:03]
B
Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H t c a l.com calm.
[01:21]
A
So you have a child who lies to you or isn't fully honest about things or sometimes kind of hides things, obfuscates a little bit and so you never really know what's going on and that's disconcerting to you. And so I get emails, they'll be like, oh, my son is dishonest. And sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust. And that's what I'm going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is going to be a short one, quick one. I want to hit it hard. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com thank you for listening to the podcast. Please share this with others. If you need help, reach out to our son. His name is Casey. C A s e y celebratecolman.com Let us know about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We discuss it, we reply back to you pretty quickly with details, strategies, some ideas for you because that's our family mission. If you need help with anything else, just contact Casey. We have in this episode, I think I'm going to focus a lot on the no BS program and I would just say this. If you have a middle school or high school child, you should have this. It is the instruction manual that you didn't get when you came home from the hospital with a strong willed child or if you adopted that child, is 25 specific action steps that will rebuild your relationship. So here's the deal with this situation. I was talking to a family phone consultation and they're like, you know, I've got this son and he's really interested in history. And you know, we were at this special school dinner and he got up there and he was supposed to state what his major was going to be in college, but he didn't want to say he was going to be a history major. And so they were really concerned because he kind of lied. And if you dig into it, here's what you find. He's got family all around him who's giving him a hard time because a history major isn't going to make enough money. And that's not like a hard scientist. He's not going to be like an engineer or physicist or something else, right? And so he's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is. And I would say for many of your strong will kids from an early age, that's what it feels like. Nobody really understands me. School's against me, teachers are against me, everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason. And it feels like I'm swimming against the upstream, against society. And nobody really gets me because I'm just in trouble all the time. That's a horrible way to go through your childhood and that will lead to a lot of negative things. So deep, deep acceptance of your child. Really, really important. By the way, let's please watch how we talk to kids about things. Who says you can't make a lot of money being a history major? If any of you are fans of Dan Carlin and hardcore history, he is one of the most passionate guys about history and he has built a really great organization and following doing that. So as long as you're passionate about something, you make a fine living and even a great living. And who cares? If your child loves this and it's inside of him, you should want him to do it. So here's what I think is really going on. After I got done with this consultation, I kind of wrote this thing out and I was like, is this dishonesty or distrust? Now I get it. This kid is, he's a thoughtful, intuitive, deep thinking kid. He's a Feeler. And you've got to watch, watch your kids who are very sensitive. They're often very sensitive, even physically to things, but they're sensitive. And so that can cut both ways, right? Some of it is they assume that teachers don't like them, they feel things so deeply. It also means that they can also be very intuitive in feeling the pain of other people and they can have a big heart toward people who are struggling. And they're often chameleons, right? They kind of change their colors to fit in a little bit, which is honestly a fantastic skill to have. We just want them to be confident in how they do it. Right. Part of it is they don't like being watched or pressured. Please know that about your strong willed kids. If you are standing over them, watching them, pressuring them and not giving them space to touch the hot stove themselves to figure things out, here's what they're going to say. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not going to do things with you metaphorically or physically watching over me. I want to figure some things out on my own. I want to know that it's okay to try some things in a different way and not be judged for it and not be disappoint everybody. That is hugely huge, important. So here's a key point. Consider this with your child, maybe every time your child has spoken up, told the truth, told you something, that he registers the disappointment on your face and he's simply tired of it, he simply doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore. Because some of you like, like me, are type A people and you've got a plan, you went through life a certain way and your child doesn't go through life that same way. And you're nervous, you're anxious about his future and you want him or her to do it a certain way. And so when your child did open up and did tell you the truth in the past, did you register disappointment? Did you say, you know, that's good, but did you really accept that? Did you, Were you curious and say, hey, that's an interesting take, that's an interesting path, I wouldn't have thought of it? I'm curious. Why does that appeal to you? Because I'd really like to learn. Were you curious or do they, do your kids register the disappointment? What they say over time is it's just not worth it. Why? You tell me to open up and tell you the truth, but then when I do, your reaction to it is usually try to convince me otherwise, talk me out of it and I'm just tired of it. And when we moved to our home.
[07:16]
C
We were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate and it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers and including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the Code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.
[08:32]
A
So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday, I wish I.
[08:34]
C
Had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the Morning provides some consistency I really crave and that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drink ag1.com Calm Look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your day with a win.
[09:44]
A
And so this kid, my assumption was he's just tired of it and so he doesn't want to have to deal with it. So he just tells people what they want to hear so that he can go and do his own thing, right? And here's a common thing. This isn't always true, but for dads, a lot of what motivates us and helps us and hurts us as dads is we want our kids to be successful. Here's what mainly drove me and drives me as a dad. I want my son to be successful. And what I see is he's missing out on opportunities to do certain things because some of your kids are anxious and they won't go for it. They won't jump into things. And this one dad I was talking to, he's like, yeah, I always regretted that I didn't do rotc. I should have done that. And so watch what happens. As the dad, I'm now dealing with the regrets that I had when I was younger that led me to not be as successful as I should have. And I love my son, and I don't want him to miss out on things like I did. So now I'm going to make sure that I'm on him all the time, right? So when dad sees his son making the same mistakes, a dad can often get angry about it and react. I know that because with Casey and I, we have the same triggers. We're sometimes jerks at the same time. So when he's impatient, I look. When Casey is impatient, what happens is I recognize that same trait inside of me. So I snap at him because I don't want him to be like me in that way. And then it becomes this vicious cycle. So dads, moms watch out for that. Now, moms again, this is as a whole, here's what a dad wants. I want my child to grow up and be successful. Moms tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy, right? So mom's thing is like, oh, honey, you'd have so many friends and you'd have. And you'd be so happy if you just did it that way. And I so want you to do better. I want you to be happy in life. And so when your son or your daughter doesn't make those decisions, you begin to lecture and get on him, right? And there's. And you say things of like, oh, oh, honey, you don't know what you're missing. I hate that phrase. Is there anything worse? Oh, you don't know what you're missing. Truth is, yeah, you know what? I do know what I'm missing. Okay? And I'm okay. Or I don't know what I'm missing, and I'm okay with that. But don't impose what is meaningful to you on me. Don't assume that your child cares about the same things that you care about. Now, when it comes to anxiety. I don't have a problem. And I encourage you to give your child tools. So that one we're going to normalize anxiety. Of course. Of course you don't want to go do new things. It's scary, it's normal. Nothing wrong with you. And then I give tools, like having someone at the place where they're going to go give my child a job to do, so it makes it a little bit easier for him to participate. It brings down the barriers. So I don't give up on it. Just saying, don't impose your stuff on your child, right? So with dad's like, why would I be successful? And I missed out on things when I was a kid, so I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen. And mom's like, I just want to be happy. So we have to begin with a deep, deep acceptance of who your child is. Right. We have to show that we understand him because that also helps him understand himself. That is huge. So he doesn't feel like there's something wrong with him. Much of the time in the NO BS program, what we're going through is this process of releasing your child from your expectations, releasing them from being just like you so you can accept them and they feel confident. Nobody's going to feel confident if I always feel like people are disappointed in me. So here's a good thing that you could do. Apologize. Right? I did this with Casey all the time. Hey, Case, listen, I need to apologize. The reason I just snapped at you is because that's something I've struggled with and I shouldn't be taking that out on you. I'm projecting what I'm angry at myself about and putting on that on you. And that's not fair. And Bob, maybe you explain. You say, honey, I love you so much. I love you so much. I just want the best for you. But it's my issue. It's my issue because I'm trying too hard sometimes and I haven't accepted you as you are. Can you imagine what it would feel like for parents of a teenager or a middle schooler or even a third grader to come along and say, I need to apologize because I haven't always accepted you as you are? It probably. Does it feel like I'm always pressuring you to be someone else or to be just like me? How awesome a question would that be to do that? So you're going to now teach your child a new skill, how to speak up and say things that didn't that disappoint you, right. To have him actually practice and say, mom, Dad, I didn't do my assignment. See, he usually can't do that. Not because he's dishonest, but it's because dad gets angry and mom lectures and makes him feel like a failure. True. Now it could be that mom gets right, it doesn't matter which one. The parents get angry, then you lecture and you make them feel like a failure. So guess what your child learns. Well, I can't tell them the truth. It's not worth it because now I'm just going to get hammered for that. Right? And so that's a new skill for him. You could even give your child a script to use, even a code word. Hey, football. That means, dad, I want to go outside and play catch and I need to tell you something that you maybe not like, but I'm giving you a heads up because I use that code word. And we're going to go toss the ball around and I want you to know, please don't react and make me feel like I'm this tall because I'm. It takes some courage to tell you the truth. And I'm doing that. So that code word thing, awesome. It's also a new skill for you, how to not react to your child and show that disappointment, anger, how to accept your child as he or she is and normalize things, actually problem solve instead of shaming them. Right. Another great question to ask your child. Does it ever feel like we've misunderstood your motives? Does it ever feel like nothing you can do will please us? If so, then I apologize. See, what we entered this conversation with was, well, we have a dishonesty issue when in reality it's a distrust issue. They don't trust us enough sometimes to.
[16:23]
C
Tell us the truth because of how we react.
[16:26]
A
And it's also a skills issue. Child needs to learn how to speak up and tell the truth and be assertive about what his or her needs. And we need a skill of learning to not react so that they do own up. So we own. Each person owns his or her part in this. And that's an awesome thing, right? And something you can tell your child sometime is we haven't made it easy for you to be honest because we've been waiting with the wagging finger. We've been lecturing you and moralizing to you about integrity issues when it wasn't integrity issue at all. It was an issue that you just couldn't trust us. And so we apologize for that right now that that will change behavior in the home that will change change relationships. And remember it is relationships that change behavior. Consequences don't change behavior. Relationships do. Giving people new skills do. So I'm going to encourage you very bluntly. If you do not have it yet go to the website celebratehome.com nobs get that program. It's 25 specific action steps. Short and sweet. I made it so guys could do it and would do it because men won't go through like 30 hours of stuff but they'll go through something that's very specific. And you go through these action steps one by one you will rebuild that relationship with your child and you will learn new skills. It is an awesome thing. If you need help reach out to Casey. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for letting me be tough on you. It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more. So thank you. Love you all. Bye.