Transcript
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Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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So you have a child who lies to you or isn't fully honest about things or sometimes kind of hides things, obfuscates a little bit and so you never really know what's going on and that's disconcerting to you. And so I get emails, they'll be like, oh, my son is dishonest. And sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust. And that's what I'm going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is going to be a short one, quick one. I want to hit it hard. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com thank you for listening to the podcast. Please share this with others. If you need help, reach out to our son. His name is Casey. C A s e y celebratecolman.com Let us know about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We discuss it, we reply back to you pretty quickly with details, strategies, some ideas for you because that's our family mission. If you need help with anything else, just contact Casey. We have in this episode, I think I'm going to focus a lot on the no BS program and I would just say this. If you have a middle school or high school child, you should have this. It is the instruction manual that you didn't get when you came home from the hospital with a strong willed child or if you adopted that child, is 25 specific action steps that will rebuild your relationship. So here's the deal with this situation. I was talking to a family phone consultation and they're like, you know, I've got this son and he's really interested in history. And you know, we were at this special school dinner and he got up there and he was supposed to state what his major was going to be in college, but he didn't want to say he was going to be a history major. And so they were really concerned because he kind of lied. And if you dig into it, here's what you find. He's got family all around him who's giving him a hard time because a history major isn't going to make enough money. And that's not like a hard scientist. He's not going to be like an engineer or physicist or something else, right? And so he's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is. And I would say for many of your strong will kids from an early age, that's what it feels like. Nobody really understands me. School's against me, teachers are against me, everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason. And it feels like I'm swimming against the upstream, against society. And nobody really gets me because I'm just in trouble all the time. That's a horrible way to go through your childhood and that will lead to a lot of negative things. So deep, deep acceptance of your child. Really, really important. By the way, let's please watch how we talk to kids about things. Who says you can't make a lot of money being a history major? If any of you are fans of Dan Carlin and hardcore history, he is one of the most passionate guys about history and he has built a really great organization and following doing that. So as long as you're passionate about something, you make a fine living and even a great living. And who cares? If your child loves this and it's inside of him, you should want him to do it. So here's what I think is really going on. After I got done with this consultation, I kind of wrote this thing out and I was like, is this dishonesty or distrust? Now I get it. This kid is, he's a thoughtful, intuitive, deep thinking kid. He's a Feeler. And you've got to watch, watch your kids who are very sensitive. They're often very sensitive, even physically to things, but they're sensitive. And so that can cut both ways, right? Some of it is they assume that teachers don't like them, they feel things so deeply. It also means that they can also be very intuitive in feeling the pain of other people and they can have a big heart toward people who are struggling. And they're often chameleons, right? They kind of change their colors to fit in a little bit, which is honestly a fantastic skill to have. We just want them to be confident in how they do it. Right. Part of it is they don't like being watched or pressured. Please know that about your strong willed kids. If you are standing over them, watching them, pressuring them and not giving them space to touch the hot stove themselves to figure things out, here's what they're going to say. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not going to do things with you metaphorically or physically watching over me. I want to figure some things out on my own. I want to know that it's okay to try some things in a different way and not be judged for it and not be disappoint everybody. That is hugely huge, important. So here's a key point. Consider this with your child, maybe every time your child has spoken up, told the truth, told you something, that he registers the disappointment on your face and he's simply tired of it, he simply doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore. Because some of you like, like me, are type A people and you've got a plan, you went through life a certain way and your child doesn't go through life that same way. And you're nervous, you're anxious about his future and you want him or her to do it a certain way. And so when your child did open up and did tell you the truth in the past, did you register disappointment? Did you say, you know, that's good, but did you really accept that? Did you, Were you curious and say, hey, that's an interesting take, that's an interesting path, I wouldn't have thought of it? I'm curious. Why does that appeal to you? Because I'd really like to learn. Were you curious or do they, do your kids register the disappointment? What they say over time is it's just not worth it. Why? You tell me to open up and tell you the truth, but then when I do, your reaction to it is usually try to convince me otherwise, talk me out of it and I'm just tired of it. And when we moved to our home.