Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #528

Title: Do You Need To Grieve The Child (& Childhood) You Didn’t Get?
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: October 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this deeply personal and practical episode, Kirk Martin unpacks the challenge many parents face: grieving the child (and sometimes, the childhood) they didn’t get, especially when raising a strong-willed child. Drawing from decades of hands-on work with families, Kirk explores how our own histories and expectations shape our parenting—and how acceptance and healing can transform not only our children’s lives, but our own.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Facing Unrealistic Expectations and Grieving What “Could Have Been”

• Many parents have an internalized image of the child (and family life) they expected, which often conflicts sharply with reality—especially with strong-willed kids.
• Kirk shares his own struggle:
  • "Everything seemed like a fight... and I spent the first few years of his life trying to change him until I realized I was the one who needed to change. It was my own immaturity and inability to control myself, not Casey, that was the issue." (06:10)
• Grieving for the imagined child is natural and, Kirk argues, necessary for true acceptance.

2. Understanding the Nature of Strong-Willed Kids

• Strong-willed kids are often:
  • Bright but not always academically motivated.
  • Masters at arguing; seek to enforce rules—often on others—and exploit loopholes for themselves.
  • Driven by a need for autonomy and often immune to traditional consequences.
  • "They don’t care about losing things. They don’t want to lose their autonomy. They have to touch the hot stove, they want to learn the hard way. It's part of their DNA." (09:00)
  • Eager for brain stimulation, easily bored, and sensitive to perceived justice or injustice.
  • "With little effort, they can provoke a sibling, which provokes you, which then provokes your spouse... This child can get three other people in the home riled up and wrapped around their finger." (13:25)
• The family’s energy is often dominated by the strong-willed child’s needs and reactions.

3. Parent and Child Dynamics: Rule Followers vs. Strong Willed

• The parent’s own temperament—whether a rule-follower or more rebellious—shapes responses to their child:
  • If rule-following by nature:
    • "When someone tells you to do something, your instinct is, well, you just do it. But that’s not how your kids think." (19:05)
    • Temptation to view strong-willed kids as defiant, lazy, or disobedient.
    • The “my way or the highway” approach only escalates power struggles and damages relationships.
  • If strong-willed by nature:
    • Parents may want to protect their child from making the mistakes they made, leading to attempts at control out of love.
    • "You have to respect your child's path... give this child space to learn and figure things out for themselves." (27:29)

4. Accepting and Enjoying Your Child—The Power of Grief and Release

• Kirk coaches parents to consciously grieve the child they expected, so they can embrace the child they have.
  • Moving past disappointment and resentment is essential for both parent and child.
  • Notable story:
    • At a live event, a mom lamented her daughter’s struggles and their endless power struggles, focusing on “fixing” her. Kirk gently confronts the mother:
    • "You wanted a different daughter... you even resent her for turning your life upside down. And I know this because for several years, I didn’t really like my son, even though I loved him." (33:18)
    • Exercise: Write down the “ideal” child you envisioned, bury it, and list your real child’s true gifts and joys.
    • "Right now, you are spending all your time trying to fix everything that you perceive is wrong with her, and she's overwhelmed. That's why she can't focus for that long on reading. Now it's become work, a chore... it’s no longer fun." (38:37)
• Release yourself from parental or societal judgments about what your child “should” be.
• Accepting and enjoying your unique child can also begin to heal the wounds from your own childhood.

5. Breaking the Cycle: Healing Parent and Child

• Many parents discover, through this process, they’re not only healing their relationship with their child, but also themselves.
• Listener quote:
  • "Our intention was to change our two strong-willed kids. But what ended up happening was we realized it was all about us. And we began to heal ourselves inside... most of the issues we thought we had with our kids just began going away because they weren't really kid issues." (50:38)
• Kirk encourages embracing vulnerability and not being afraid to ask for help, rejecting the tendency to pour energy into everyone else while neglecting your own support needs.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On acceptance and self-reflection:
  "Your child was merely a mirror... in that reflection, I had to come face to face with my own immaturity, my own faults, my own childhood, and how I was treated by my own dad. And it ultimately changed me as not only a dad, but as a person. And I'm grateful for that." (07:14)
• On letting go of expectations:
  "I want you to finish the grieving process. Write down on a piece of paper the kind of daughter you had pictured having... Take it and bury it somewhere. You need to bury those thoughts and expectations. That's not the daughter you were given." (36:42)
• Empowering the child's individuality:
  "Your daughter is this carefree spirit who brings people joy when she's allowed to. But she's been boxed into these expectations... judged by grandparents... and meanwhile, her gifts begin to atrophy." (43:12)
• On parental transformation:
  "When I finally just relented and began enjoying my son, it changed me. He changed the way I viewed myself, the way I view others. He opened up a whole new world to me." (47:05)
• On being willing to ask for help:
  "Why do you apologize for asking for help...? You will lay down your life... for everybody else. But when it comes to you, why do you apologize for asking for help?" (54:19)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 06:10 – Kirk describes wrestling with his son’s strong-willed nature and realizing he had to change himself.
• 09:00–15:00 – Deep dive into the mindset, behavior, and “superpowers” of strong-willed kids.
• 19:05–23:00 – The clash between rule-following parents and strong-willed children.
• 27:29 – Strong-willed parents parenting strong-willed kids: opportunities and challenges.
• 33:18–38:37 – Real-life story: coaching a mother through confronting her expectations and grieving.
• 43:12 – The consequence of comparing and trying to “fix” a spirited child.
• 47:05 – The transformative power of accepting and enjoying your child as they are.
• 50:38 – Listener feedback: changing ourselves heals our families.
• 54:19 – Permission to ask for help and to value your own growth and healing.

Tone and Style

Kirk keeps the tone honest, vulnerable, and often light-hearted—even as he dives into emotionally charged territory. He mixes practical advice with personal anecdotes, humor, and direct, compassionate challenges to parents.

Takeaways

• Acceptance begins with grieving: Let go of the child/family you imagined so you can see the beauty and possibility in the one you have.
• Your child is not broken—your expectations might be: Focus on their strengths and creative spirit, not just on fixing what’s “wrong.”
• Family transformation starts with you: Much of what drives conflict is internal—heal your wounds, and you heal the relationship.
• Ask for help without shame: Your growth as a parent is as important as your child’s progress.

If this resonates with you, consider engaging more deeply with Kirk’s resources, and above all—take some time to notice, enjoy, and accept both your child and yourself, just as you are.