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So we had this vision of how family life was going to unfold and then along came Casey and upended everything. And I wrestled against his nature at first and tried to change him because he made me uncomfortable. He was in some ways kind of inconvenient. Everything seemed like a fight, even the smallest things. And he challenged our most kind of deeply held beliefs. And I spent the first few years of his life trying to change him until I realized I was the one who needed to change. It was my own immaturity and inability to control myself, not Casey, that was the issue. Casey was merely a mirror, a reflection back to me in so many ways. And in that reflection, I had to come face to face with my own immaturity, my own faults, my own childhood, and how I was treated by my own dad. And it ultimately changed me as not only a dad, but as a person. And I'm grateful for that. Over the past 25 years, working with parents of strong willed kids, I have frequently walked moms and dads through the process of accepting the child they have been given on a deep level. It's a must. But part of the process can be grieving the child and you didn't get and in some ways grieving your own childhood and how you were treated. Now there's good news because, you know, I'm positive guy, that leads to healing your own childhood wounds and it leads to an even deeper relationship with your own strong willed child. But first, we have to understand these kids on a deep level. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us in our big fall sale@celebratecomb.com so if you have a strong willed child, this is how I would describe them. In general, strong willed kids are usually bright, sometimes very bright. They're just not always academically motivated. So they use their intelligence to argue with you. They're like little cops, judges and attorneys all wrapped into one. They often have this high need for order and justice. So they'll enforce rules on others and they will not relent until you acknowledge that they are right. But then they'll find every loophole to exonerate themselves. It's partly immaturity. It's partly from a lack of confidence. Now, when these kids wake up in the morning, oh, they have an agenda. They know what they like, they know what they don't like. And what they don't like is anything that you want them to do. So there are going to be power struggles over everything, and I mean everything. And you will want to say, if you would simply do what I ask you to do, you would be done in seven minutes. But you'd rather argue with me for seven hours or days or weeks or years and lose everything you own. But they don't care about consequences. You can tell them, hey, do not put your feet on that table or you will lose your screens for three days. And they'll tap that table with their toe and argue that their toe isn't their foot. See, they don't care about losing things. They don't want to lose their autonomy. They have to touch the hot stove. They want to learn the hard way. It's part of their DNA. And they want to figure out things themselves, even if that makes it harder. And have you noticed this? They'll choose the harsh consequence over just doing it the easy way. These are kids with great critical thinking skills who can also see patterns. And seeing patterns is a superpower in life. It's what helps them excel at arguing, pushing your buttons, playing chess or checkers. They can do Minecraft in their sleep. They also know what you're going to say in an argument before you even say it. They can pick apart your inconsistencies. Little white lies don't work with them. They've probably been using reverse psychology on you for years. These are kids that crave brain stimulation and intensity. They're often observers and they have good insight into human nature. It's often why they make kind of hilarious but really inappropriate comments about relatives during the holidays. So they're experts at knowing how to push each member of the family's buttons in different ways to get a reaction. See, with little effort, they can provoke a sibling, which provokes you, which then provokes your spouse. And just by saying a couple words or looking at their sister, this child can get three other people in the home riled up and wrapped around their finger. And this child will often consume 80% of your family's energy during childhood. Know that that's pretty normal. This strong willed child is probably not living up to your expectations. They often underperform academically. And you'll probably be tempted to repeat the following statements a thousand times throughout their childhood. You know what? If you would just apply yourself, you would be capable of doing so much more. And the problem is that your child either is applying himself or herself and just needs some tools or they simply don't care. You know, if you would just do it the right way, meaning my way, it would be so much easier. And that won't work because your way is boring. Duh, stupid. Plus, it's your way, which means they have no ownership. And doing it the easy way is exactly opposite of how they want to do it. They want a challenge. These kids are often amazing for other people, just horrible for you. When your neighbors bring your child home, they always say like, oh, your daughter is such a delight to be with. She's so helpful and eager to please. And you're like, seriously? You mean that girl standing right there? But this is a really good trait in the long run, so chill with that. I'm not saying any of this is right or wrong. It just is. It just is the way they are. And you can fight that where you can accept that's the way they are and try to influence them in ways that are meaningful for for your child. Or you just do the my way or highway approach and provoke constant confrontations. Because these kids are kind of like in constant fight or flight mode. If you become negative, oh, it's instant shutdown, push or lecture too much, they'll withdraw, shut down or fight, but they won't back down. And once you create that power struggle, oh, they are in it to win it, no matter what the consequence is to them. So you're going to have to be the one who calms the situation first. You're going to be the one who leads your child to a rational place before World War three erupts. Now, does this sound familiar? Good. Then it means you're not alone. We can give you some insight to change this relationship. Now, notice I didn't say to change this child. Our purpose is to develop a deep, trusting relationship so that your strong willed child can count on you. Because they need that in life. That's what you really want. So for purposes of this episode, I want to focus on something else you can and must control. And that is your view of these kids. So think about this. Are you more of a rule follower or kind of a strong willed person yourself? And here's why this is important. If you are a rule follower by nature, if you're just kind of generally compliant, then you are going to struggle with how you view our strong willed kids. Because when someone tells you to do something, well, your instinct is, well, you just do it. But that's not how your kids think. They'll reflexively say no. They'll reject what you say first. Strong willed kids will often ask why? Because they're looking for context and they want to figure out a different way to do things. And you'll be tempted to label them as defiant, obstinate and difficult like I did. But if you view your strong willed child as kind of a rebellious, defiant, pigheaded, unmotivated kid, nothing you say or do will work. It will all backfire. Your child will resist you and shut down. And if you or your spouse adopt that my where the highway approach, you will have endless power struggles. Your relationship will be broken and your child will probably turn into an angry teenager and young adult with no one he or she can trust. But I can also promise that once you understand your strong will, child's brain and heart, it will change you and your child in ways you cannot imagine. So just begin with one simple step. Even say this out loud if you want, even to yourself. I respect the fact that that you are different than me. That's really hard for some of you. It's hard for me. I respect the fact that you are different than me. If you want to go a step deeper, think about this. Some of you inside kind of have that strong willed impulse, but you were shut down by rigid parents who caused you to suppress who you really are. You had no choice but to be this compliant good child because then you were able to receive some measure of acceptance and love from your parents. So you became someone you weren't really naturally right. You became this compliant good child. But inside you were wrestling with those things. And now you have this child who is perhaps a mini version of yourself. And you were wrestling with it just like your parents did. They were likely immature and shut you down. And you have that same fight going on inside of you. And when you ultimately accept this child as he or she is, in some ways you will begin to heal some of your childhood hurts and release yourself to be who you are supposed to be. Okay, now what if you are a more strong willed person yourself? You are going to get triggered by this child for different reason. 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Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com that's my s k y l I g h t dot com parenting so go to myskylight.com parenting so if you are more strong willed, you probably got in trouble a lot as a kid and so you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did because you love your child. So you'll probably try to change your child like I did. And it's out of a good heart with good intentions like please son or daughter, it doesn't have to be this hard. I have walked this path and it brings unnecessary trouble and the school of hard knocks isn't so fun. But you have to respect your child's path and we've covered this before. At some point you have to actively release your child to pursue the path they are meant to travel, not the one you choose for them. So you have to step back and give this child space to learn and figure out things for themselves. But you also have a unique opportunity because you understand how their brains and hearts work. So you can come alongside and support your kids and share your own experiences so they know they're not alone. And this was a really cool thing that happened with Casey where I'd say hey, you ever think this way about that situation? He's like, yeah, but none of my friends do. I'm like okay, so here's why we do things like that. And I was teaching him about his nature so he knew there wasn't something wrong with him. But it doesn't really matter if you're more compliant or a rule breaker. At some point you have to accept this strong willed child on a deep level and that means possibly grieving the child and you didn't get so many years ago. We're at this live event in Texas. Oh, by the way, we're going to be in Texas next March for live events. So if you're, like, in Texas or Oklahoma and you want to host a live event, email Casey about that. We'd love to meet you in person. And we don't travel that much anymore, but our live events are super cool. We get to meet you in person, answer questions, and there's a lot of good energy and you won't feel alone. So, anyway, we're at this event, this mom comes up to us, and so she started describing her child. She said, I've got this really tough daughter. It's like the ones you always describe. She doesn't want to listen or be taught or try anything hard. Everything's a power struggle, even though, you know, mom said she bends over backwards to help her daughter. And the mom also shared that her daughter was behind on reading. So she's enrolled in this special intensive reading and tutoring program. She has to read something quickly from for 40 seconds, then advance to the next level. The girl is frustrated. The tutor is frustrated. The mom is now in tears, wondering why it has to be so hard. But to me, it didn't sound like there was anything really wrong with her daughter. She's really creative, loves to draw and create things. She's got a big heart when she's not digging her heels in. And so I took a chance and I addressed the issue of this way. And I hope this doesn't offend you, but back in the day when we were traveling, I was meeting so many people, sometimes I get kind of a second or third sense about what was really happening. And so I told this mom, he's a really good mom. I was like, mom, I think the first step is for you to reconcile with the daughter you have. You wanted a different daughter, a compliant, easy daughter who just did the right thing things. And now you have this challenging daughter, and in ways you don't like her, you even resent her for turning your life upside down. And I know this because for several years, I didn't really like my son, even though I loved him. But you're going to have to work on yourself first. Your daughter is not going to change until you do. You resent her because she makes you feel like you're not a good mother, like you did something wrong. Like, if you were a better mother, your daughter wouldn't be struggling like this. But those are all lies. And you're going to have to overcome those thoughts, because if you don't you will never fully accept your daughter, and she'll know it. I want you to finish the grieving process. Write down on a piece of paper the kind of daughter you had pictured having. Make it detail. What was she like then? I want you to put that sheet of paper in an envelope and take it and bury it somewhere. You need to bury those thoughts and expectations. That's not the daughter you were given. And then you're going to write down all the amazing qualities your daughter has. And I want you to begin enjoying her. And this is when the mom began crying and saying, my daughter is such a free spirit. She's so creative. She brings so much joy to people. Last week, we took the day off and we went swimming and we had so much fun. And when she's around other people, there's just this joy that comes out. And I said, yes, that's what I want you to do. Enjoy her. Right now, you are spending all your time trying to fix everything that you perceive is wrong with her, and she's overwhelmed. That's why she can't focus for that long on reading. Now it's become work, a chore, a task, and it's no longer fun. So I want you to balance out our activities. Yeah, work on reading in school, but don't give up the art and fun and exploring just to learn. And you may need to ditch this special program. The lady running it is getting frustrated with your daughter. That will not work because your daughter will shut down and stop working. And you said before your daughter was learning while swinging on a swing. So go back to that informal, fun approach. Just read any book she wants while she's swinging on a swing. And so the mom nodded and kind of sniffled. And then I kind of had this image pop in my head, so I went with it. And I said, I picture your daughter happily drawing pictures and creating. I see you two walking into a retirement home and taking these pictures to seniors. And I see them smiling and encouraging your daughter, and she's beaming. And so are they, because older people love being around the energy of young children. And here's what I believe will happen. You will meet an older woman there, and she'll connect with your daughter. And she may even be a retired teacher. And I have this image in my head of this older woman patiently using her gifts to teach your daughter how to read, making it fun again. And your daughter will bring this lonely old woman a special joy, because that's who your daughter is, isn't it? She's this carefree spirit who Brings people joy when she's allowed to. But she's been boxed into these expectations compared to her siblings and peers judged by grandparents. And everyone has stopped enjoying her in this headlong pursuit to fix her weaknesses. And meanwhile, her gifts begin to atrophy. And I think you know, inside I'm also describing what happened to you as a child. Your child parents tried to put you in this neat little box and compared you to your siblings. And you felt stifled and not really loved and accepted unless you acted a certain way. And you've carried that inside you for decades. And now you and your daughter get to be free and healed from that. This is the avenue chosen for you to heal those childhood wounds, for you to blossom into being that person you were meant to be, that you have never been, as you release your daughter to be the person she's meant to be. And my vision for you is that you two will form this incredibly close bond. This daughter is the very gift you needed. You didn't need a compliant child because there are knots inside of you that have twisted you about. And this little girl is going to liberate you from your rigidity, from your false expectations of yourself, of kids, of other people. I can sense this rigidity because I had it as well. And when I finally just relented and began enjoying my son, it changed me. He changed the way I viewed myself, the way I view others. He opened up a whole new world to me. And I believe your daughter is a gift who will actually do the same for you as you do that for her. I know that's heavy because I had to fight back tears the whole time I was saying that. But this is such. This is happening all the time. We were out hiking the other day, and I'm meeting up more and more often. I'm meeting people on the trails who listen to the podcast know us, and I ran into this nice couple. They said I could use their name, Chris and Heather, shout out to you guys. And they said, we bought your programs and we started working through them. And our intention was to change our two strong willed kids. But what ended up happening was we realized it was all about us. And we began to heal ourselves inside. And we ended up becoming closer as a couple because of it. And they said what we realized was most of the issues that we thought we had with our kids, they just began going away because they weren't really kid issues. They were things inside of us that had left us feeling trapped. And so your programs, when we go through them now, it's like we focus more on how we can change. And it's very, very liberating versus thinking, oh, we have to do all this work on our kids. It's on ourselves. So kudos to you all. Look at, there's so many of you I'm meeting and I hear from you and it's like, yeah, I'm healing these tricks, childhood wounds. And so if this resonates with you, then I encourage you. Enjoy your kids. In some ways, you'll begin to be able to enjoy yourself as you are. So much respect for you all. Love you all. This is hard, hard work, and you're doing it, and I love that about you. So if we can help in any way, if you need help financially with any of our programs and resources, reach out to Casey. Don't be, don't be shy about that. People are always like, well, I'm embarrassed to ask for help. Why? Why are you not worthy of being, of being helped? Why do you walk around, Sorry, I'm being a little tough on you. This wasn't planned. You'll walk around and you will help everybody else. You will lay down your life, you will do sacrifice for everybody else. But when it comes to you, why do you apologize for asking for help? Don't apologize now. If you right in and you apologize, we'll be gracious and we'll be kind to you. But I want you to practice not apologizing for asking for help for things. We all need help. But anyway, and then some of you, you've got so much money, you should just buy double programs and donate it to someone else. But you know what I'm saying. Okay, you know what just happened, by the way, that was really heavy to me. And so there's vulnerability there. And I was really choking back the tears. And I'm a guy, and that's kind of hard. So guess what? I went to my old pattern, which is a little bit of humor there. And then at the end, I was being tough, especially on the moms of, like, do everything for everybody else but nothing for yourself. And so I wanted. That was uncomfortable. So what did I do? I went to a little bit of humor. That's still a childhood thing I'm working on. So one day I'm just going to lay into you and I'm not even going to use any humor on it. And then I'll end really awkwardly like I am now. Okay, love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.