← Calm Parenting Podcast
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So you know that our kids march to the beat of their own drum. And that's why I like the flexibility that IXL gives you. Whether you're homeschooling or just supplementing your child's learning. Every child learns differently. IXL adapts so kids can move ahead when they're ready, eliminating boredom and needless fights over I already know this. If your kids are struggling with a certain topic topic, take a couple days off and then revisit it until it clicks. Whether your child is tackling new math skills or reading at a higher level, IXL meets them where they are and lets them move at their own pace. And IXL instantly grades work and explains mistakes so you don't have to make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today and get at IXL.com Kirk Visit IXL.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So you rush into the living room and you call upstairs. Hey David, come on. Your first taekwondo classes tonight. Get downstairs. Crickets. You don't hear a word, honey, I'm not going to ask you again. We don't have time for this tonight. You need to get downstairs and eat before we go again. Nothing. And you're frustrated because you can feel it inside. Here comes yet another power struggle with this child. And it's been this way since he or she was in your womb. You try to sleep. He kicks, always wanting to do the opposite of what you have planned, arguing over the color of the sky. You try to rush her and she goes slower. You're frustrated because you're trying to do this for your child. You don't need to spend the extra money and time to do this dumb class class. But you thought it would be a good outlet for your child in a way for him to make some friends. And you're anxious because you paid $195 for this class and you hate wasting money. And now you're going to be late again and you hate being late. It's a trigger for you and me. And now your child's doing this little delaying tactic. So here's the moment of decision. You know how your child is going to react. He's going to resist. He's to going yell and call you names. His face is going to turn purple as he screams. I'm not going. Taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid. He's going to sob crocodile tears. He's going to try to talk his way out of it, complain that his stomach is upset, that he doesn't feel well. He's going to plead with you, please just let me stay home this week. I promise I'll go next week. Please, mom. You know that because you've heard it and seen it a hundred times. So you know what's about to happen. The real question now is this, what are you going to do differently this time? Because that's the only real variable here. You are not going to get him to change his behavior. The only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior. Are you going to react or respond? Are you going to escalate the situation or defuse it? So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of celebrate. Com. You can find us and our big fall sale 17 downloadable programs for the cost of one visit to a therapist's office to help you in the toughest situations. Find that@celebratecom.com so you may have to wrestle with guilt wondering if you're just coddling this child as your spouse claims. Because you can hear your spouse's voice and maybe your parents voice telling you, hey, you just need to clamp down on this kid and, and he'll shape up and because we're so anxious and rushed and we take these challenges to our authority, what we think are challenges to our authority, we take them so personally here's our default mode. You end up doing and saying the following. And I only have this list because I said every one of these things. You know what? You better get your little butt in the car or you're going to lose all your privileges. Do you understand me? You know, I don't have time for this right now. Do what I say or else. Hey, there's no need to be upset or scared. It's just a simple 45 minute class. You know, your brother never had any trouble doing this class. Why do you always have to be so difficult? How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions? You just wait until your father or your mother gets home. Because look, I do know this by the way, that in some homes, I know I do a characterization because so much of this is about my experience. And I'm always like, the dad's the one with this voice. And by the way, Mrs. Call makes fun of me all the time. She'll walk around, she'll do that voice. I'm like, I don't sound like that. She's like, yes, you do. So I understand that. I understand there are a lot of moms who email her like, I'm kind of the dad in this situation. I'm like, okay, good. So it doesn't change anything. Still have to learn to control yourself and stop being, being like that. But I don't want to have to say every time I do. An example. This could be the mom, it could be the dad, it could be the grandparent, it could be the aunt, it could be. So just so you know, so other things, what do we say? You are not going to talk to me like that, young man. You know, if you do not get in the car right now, you're going to lose your video games for one month. Do you hear me? And the truth is, you're not hearing your child just like I wasn't actually hearing Casey. See, we make the situation all about us, all about your authority and what you want. But you're not listening to your child because you're too focused on changing or controlling your child's behavior instead of your own. You know, I don't do any blame or guilt here, but we've got to change this because, look, when we change this, it's a huge opportunity because if you could control yourself, this is how you'd see the situation and, and what you would actually hear because your child doesn't have the maturity yet to say, mother, father, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience. I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age. I get along better with adults and younger kids or animals. So I'm afraid the other kids are going to pick on me. And I have great difficulty with multi step processes and auditory processing. So I'm scared that I will fail at Taekwondo. And. And the truth is, I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you and dad and my instructor. And at this moment in my life, I'm too fragile emotionally to risk more failure because I'm always in trouble and I don't want to mess up again. So I'm going to call you names, I'm going to challenge your authority. I am going to be so disrespectful right to your face that your only option is to punish me. Because the truth is, I'd rather be yelled at, sent to my room and lose everything that I enjoy in life, then face the risk of more failure and rejection. And I wish I knew how to tell you that, but my fear overwhelms me, just like your anxiety about me is overwhelming you right now. So I react out of fear. What I need right now is for the adult in the home to show me a different way to out of this. But you never do that. Instead, you react just like I do. Oh, see, that's what I always missed. And that's what you and I miss. You're not looking at a defiant child all the time. You're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with his peers, who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's out of his control. You're looking at a kid who's rarely been praised by people, kind of always been in trouble. The bad kid, Black sheep. Doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his brother or sister. And now you just berated him and demeaned him. You just further reinforce that he's a difficult child who brings trouble on himself or herself. And look, you're a good parent, so I know you don't mean that. I know you don't want to continue doing that. So let's rewind this situation and focus on controlling ourselves and. And see how that turns out. So you know you're going to get pushback because you always do. So you call upstairs. Hey, David. First taekwondo classes tonight. Get downstairs. And again you hear nothing. Look, it's okay to be frustrated, irritated, upset about this. It is. Being calm doesn't mean you become like Gandhi and nothing bothers you. It's normal to be triggered and bothered. You're a busy parent. You have other kids to feed and take places and do homework with. And this one child consumes so much of your energy. And I don't want you feeling guilty about this because this child needs more energy. But they will become very independent later on. So you can feel frustrated and annoyed. Just don't act out of that frustration. So instead, man, you kind of exhale, you reset yourself, you put on your game face, and you approach this situation in a new way. So my confession is that this story isn't really about you. It's the actual story of how I changed with Casey. And I remember the exact day this happened in our home, this exact situation. And I was wrestling with all of these different ideas because I'd been brought up by an authoritarian dad who just used fear and intimidation, and. And I was hearing all these other stuff that sounded too soft, and I didn't want to give in and be permissive. And so you're really wrestling. I was wrestling to find this balance here. And I was going to try this new calm approach. So I was like, okay, I can handle this. And so I start going upstairs, and then what do I see? There are Lego blocks and toys all over the floor. And that triggered me again, because now I'm like, forget this calm stuff. I'm just going to go up and leg into this kid. I paid $195 for this class. I didn't get all these things when I was a kid. The least he could do is be a little bit grateful. All those different things that you're going to feel, you're going to struggle with this. So let's say you're in a situation, you see a few Lego blocks littering the floor. They're not picked up like you had asked, and you cringe a little bit. That part of you, like that part of me that needs things to be orderly and to have instructions followed explicitly, because that's how you were raised. That really triggers us. Right? And so, you know, this process of raising children is every bit as much about you growing up and dealing with all of your childhood experiences and all those beliefs you internalize as it is about raising your own child, who right now is dealing with childhood experiences that will shape them one day. That's why this is a huge opportunity. And so all these doubts are going to come flooding in. Am I doing the right thing or giving in? I mean, our parents were authoritarian. They never would have put up with this. And we turned out okay, if I just did it that way, maybe I wouldn't have to go through this with this child. But then you remember, you have tried the authoritarian way. You've tried to push and provoke and bribe and. And you've also tried the really sweet way, and that hasn't worked either. So it's normal to second guess yourself. And some of you are going to have a spouse who kind of works against you while they wrestle with this or in some cases sadly refuse to wrestle with this new approach. So you've got to process that confusion and disappointment knowing, like, oh, I'm being judged right now by my spouse, because I know my spouse wants me to go up and lay into that kid, but I know that's not going to work. And all I can tell you is this is if you will go through. If you can get. Let's start here. If you can get your spouse to even watch some of our Instagram videos, because that's a 90 second investment, maybe that will help some. I do those quick tips for dads episodes which relate to moms and dads, but I do it kind of for dads to. Hopefully I get dads with like, here's seven minute podcast. It's not too long. If you get your husband or spouse to listen to this, that would be great. Ultimately, if you go through our programs together, your spouse, and I'll just say this, if it's a husband, he will hear it coming from a guy and know it's almost. I'm doing this because I just got an email from a couple who said, and a dad said, I'd resisted for so long and then I listened to you and I know your past. I can hear your voice. And it gives me permission to do it a different way because you're of that generation that did it the hard way. And I have seen that that doesn't work with my child. And he said, I listen to your programs. I did the dad's program first. And I felt like you were speaking directly to me and kind of calling me out. And I don't mean to do. It's not about calling you out. I'm basically calling myself out. These were all the things I did. It's just speaking truth. There's no blame or guilt. It's just that I want things to change. And so we know homework time can be incredibly stressful with our kids. 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You knock on your child's door, you walk in and you sit on the floor. And I mean that right on the floor. And it's going to feel like, oh, am I being weak? Am I letting my child control things right here? I get all of that. And then you do this. You start putting pieces of Legos together because in a way, symbolically you're building now instead of destroying. And I understand all the conflicting feelings this brings as you're sitting on a floor playing with Legos left in the middle of the living Room floor. Because I did that. And that is one of the first things that really showed me, okay, this connection thing, me controlling myself actually changes the behavior of my son. And I do remember, though, feeling humiliated in a way, and doubting myself, like, why is the authority figure sitting on the floor below this kid, instead of being the father, telling his son what to do? And there is humility involved in this, and it will feel like humiliation at first, I admit that. But humility breaks down walls. And so I understand why you would resist this, but I want you to try it anyway. So your child is going to look at you like you're crazy. Because think about this. Your child has been waiting in his or her room for you to come up and barge in and stand with your hands on your hips to lecturing yet again, lecture number 39B, looking disapprovingly at your child. I will tell you, I just talked to Casey about this on one of our long hikes, and I said, what did that used to feel like? And he said, dad, I know you wanted to show me that you were disappointed in my behavior, but what I always felt was, I felt like I was a disappointment to you. And that just crushed me because it's like, that wasn't my intention, but that's what he felt. And Cayce wanted to please me. And he will tell me that now. He's like, dad, I looked up to you so much, but I had conflicting feelings myself because I looked up to you and I saw all these good things about you. But then you would just react and you would come against me in this way. And inside, even as a little kid, I was trying to process, like, why is my dad acting like this? That's not the dad I often see on Saturday morning when he's taking me to my hockey games and we're enjoying things together. And so it was confusing for him. So in this case, your child's looking at you, and they've been waiting for the threats of consequences, the yelling, the lecturing, but instead, you're sitting on the floor looking down at your child's Legos. And then you say this. You know, David, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class, too. It can be pretty scary doing new things. I like it said like that as a statement of fact. You know, I don't really. It's not what I like. It's what works. That really. That really kind of condescending tone where we talk doesn't work. I'm like, hey, you know, if I Were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class. Could be pretty scary doing new things. That's just a statement of fact. And now you have done what you wish, perhaps your parents had done with you just once. You've also done what you wish your spouse would do with you. Sometimes acknowledge what you are feeling is natural and normal and legitimate instead of dismissing you or saying like, you're just overreacting. And so your child looks at you kind of puzzled. So you've just gotten to the root of the issue. You've addressed his fears. It is your child's anxiety right now that is driving this entire evening. And you just got to that. I don't want you to miss that. Most of the time, all we do is address the outward behavior. Oh, my child yelled at me. He was disrespectful. He challenged my authority. He refused to go. That's just the outward behavior. That's just the outward manifestation of something going on inside. And we miss the opportunity to teach our kids what is really going on inside of them and identifying why they're struggling. See, they don't even know. All they know is confusion. Why do I have to be like this? Why am I the only one crying and flailing to go to a stupid class that everyone else enjoys? Is there something wrong with me? And now you've pinpointed the root of it, the anxiety, and you've normalized it. You've just assumed the best about your child, that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot who makes your life difficult. He just needs some new ways to handle this. So your child slowly climbs down from his bed and sits on the floor and he begins fumbling with some of the Legos. And there's no eye contact. And you know that's really important. Nobody wants to be watched while they're struggling. It's too intimidating and it's tense for some of our sensitive, defensive kids. And then I say this or you say it. I'll just make it me, because this is how it happened. You know how I know that, Casey? Because in truth, I'm the same way. I get anxious when I'm meeting new people at book club or giving a presentation at work. It makes my stomach upset. Is that what it feels like? And then you get this little uh huh with a nodding head. And so you trade pieces of Legos and you begin building something together without saying a word. Because you're together. You're sitting, you're connecting, you're building. And for some reason, that's making me want to cry. Right? And so here's what I said next. You know what helps me? I'm just like you. I like helping other people. So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, I always ask the host if I can fix some meal or do a job at work. I get to my meeting early and set up. It helps me focus on something I can control. So, Case, I've got an idea. Why don't we leave right now and get to the taekwondo class a few minutes early? I bet the instructor will give you a job to do, because your teachers tell me all the time you're the best helper in the class. And that's true for most of your kids. They're awesome for other people. And 93.7% of the time, your child will get up and follow you to the car because you led your child and you led them to a place of safety with your own humility. There is nothing weak about this at all. I get really angry about, oh, that's weakness. No, it is not. You know, it's easy for me as a guy just to go into my dad mode. What my dad was like. You hear it coming out on the podcast all the time. You know why that's so, so authentic? Because it's just in there. It's what I had learned. I can do that. That is easy for me. You want me to rip into my child. You want me to go all, you know what? I'm the authority figure in the home, and if I did it, I can do that in my sleep. You know what's really hard is humbling myself, controlling myself and not doing that. That's what's hard. But when you do that, you just change the entire situation. You actually just changed your child's response. And you didn't make your child do anything. You didn't make your child do one thing. You simply controlled yourself. And I remember when I did this with Casey the first time and the light bulb went off. I'm actually connecting with my son at the point of his greatest fear and anxiety and vulnerability and embarrassment. I am helping my son instead of shaming him. I'm stepping outside of myself and my own anxiety, my own anger to help another human being. And it felt good. And I'm actually teaching him a life skill he'll be able to use for the rest of his life. And that resonated so strongly with me as a dad. It clicked because that's what I really wanted inside for so many years, to impart into my son, hard fought life wisdom that would help him navigate the world better. And now I just taught him a new tool, a life skill he would go on and use hundreds of times throughout his life because he uses it almost daily now. So whenever he felt that unease in his stomach when he wanted to shrink back and not participate in some activity, he now would know how to handle that because he knew his dad struggled with the same thing. And now he didn't feel helpless in those moments anymore. And that's what your kids often feel, helpless. That's why they lash out. And I can tell you over the years that one decision that night to grab those legos and sit on that floor and be vulnerable with my son has paid off in countless talks about other fears and vulnerable feelings throughout his teen years, throughout his twenties. At first he's sheepishly asked, kind of like, hey, dad, have you ever struggled with this? And then those conversations became more normal and not so awkward. And now he's married and we'll hike together. We have these same talks about this new life stage he's in. And it's a really beautiful thing. And I want you to experience this with your kids. So when you encounter that power struggle today or tomorrow, which I know you will, and I hope you do, think of this story. Instead of focusing on changing your child's outward behavior, change your own. Get to the root of the issue. Teach, give skills. It is worth the time and effort. And I hope you do have an opportunity to practice this today and to work with this on your spouse. If we can help you on any way, reach out to Casey. If you do not have our programs, you need our programs. I'll just be blunt. If you need help financially, be bold and assertive and email Casey C a s e yelebratecolm.com and say, here's what our family's going through. Here are the ages of the kids. What do we need? How can you help us? And we'll help you out. All right, I love you all. I respect you all. You guys are working so hard at this and you're breaking generational patterns and I'm so proud of you for that. It is awesome, awesome thing. So, all right, go do it now. I know you can do this. I hope to hear from many of you who sat on the floor. All right, talk to you next time. Bye.