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So we have a nephew that's really bright, but he struggles in a couple classes and I asked him why he enjoys using IXL learning programs so much. He said with IXL he can learn at his own speed and and do it independently. And you know, our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands. And he said IXL makes me feel smart again. I encourage you to check out ixl.com kirk to learn how IXL can enrich your homeschool curriculum from K to 12. IXL gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com Kirk Visit ixl.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So a hot topic now trending on Instagram and TikTok is the idea of FAFO parenting. F around and find out or fool around and find out. And it's the classic idea practiced by generations of parents that you allow your child to learn by experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. Here are just a few common examples to start if the child doesn't wear a jacket in cold weather, the child gets uncomfortably cold and the thought is the child will choose to put a jacket on to keep from being cold. If a child breaks his toy, then he can't play with it anymore and you won't replace it. A child plays roughly with the cat, the cat scratches the child, the child learns his or her lesson. This idea is nothing new. And most of us grew up learning from natural consequences, right? We kind of effed around and found out that it wasn't pleasant. And many of us learned and then adjusted our behavior and actions accordingly. Obviously, we practice common sense and we do not allow behaviors that ultimately lead to danger for the child. Right? You don't let a child f a f o by playing in the middle of the street, forgo wearing a helmet when doing a dangerous activity, or letting your kids sleep outside wet when it for extended periods in the cold. Right? That's common sense. Look, we believe in natural consequences, but we are even bigger fans of going a step further and giving kids ownership of their choices within our boundaries. A guiding principle we practice is, hey, when we step back, it gives our strong will kids an opportunity to step up. When we step back from lecturing, micromanaging, controlling our kids, it gives them space to to step up and be responsible for themselves. Because when we're micromanaging them, we're actually being responsible for our child. And so this podcast should be over, right? But it's not. And here's why. Because fafo parenting will not work well with a strong willed child or with many of our kids who are adopted who struggle with attachment disorders, have pda, are highly sensitive, and many of our ND kids with ADHD or asd. You have to practice an alternative approach to go a few steps beyond. And if you happen to express any doubts about the limits of natural consequences, many other parents and even professionals will judge you. They'll call you soft, say you're making excuses for why you can't be tough, and they'll shake their head at your inability to just grasp this simple concept. Well, I call these people FW people effing wrong so or foolishly wrong. So let's work through this because it is foundational to disciplining, teaching and raising our kids. One caveat. Before moving forward, feel free to practice fafo parenting and let kids experience natural consequences. Just be sure your motives are healthy. See, the healthy form is controlling your own anxiety and giving your kids freedom to make choices they will learn from. But some of us had parents who practiced this. But there was something unhealthy in it, right? For some of you, it was just pure neglect. Some parents were distracted by work and failed relationships and they didn't prioritize you. Many of our parents just didn't have the tools to deal with our emotions and struggles. So we were left on our own to figure life out. Some parents were resentful toward their kids. Well, my life's been hard, so yours should be as well. There's like that bravado and false pride and punishing soft kids. Obviously none of those motivations are healthy. So as you listen to FAFO advocates on social media and read the comments, watch for this strain in those comments because you'll kind of hear that resentment. I know that's not your motive, but I wanted to acknowledge that many of you have been hurt by disinterest, by neglect and by resentful parents. And that's not what we're after. Okay, big point number one. FAFO parenting is easy. Raising a strong willed child is easy. Is not. Here's why. Think about this. In fafo parenting, we let the child experience the natural consequences of their actions. The child gets cold and learns from it. That makes sense, but that doesn't really affect the parent, only the child. So the concept is beautifully simple and easy to enact. Hey, go for it. Be cold, be wet, be hungry. Doesn't affect me. But when raising one of our kids, and when I say our kids, let's just say that means strong will kids, neurodivergent kids, kids with pda, adhd, adopted kids with attachment disorders. You know all of the people listening to this, you know what that means, right? When raising one of our kids, it will affect and bother you and push your buttons because you have kids who will do things very differently than you would do them. They will suffer the natural consequences and just not care. Our kids will do things and it's not always intentional that just irritate us. They will do their homework lying upside down, procrastinate until 2am, they'll take a shower outside with hose. They'll get ready for school in weird ways and sometimes act up oblivious to their own actions. And that will provoke your own anxiety and control issues. So if you have a more naturally compliant child, child by all means use natural consequences and they'll likely learn from their lessons and they will course correct. But it's more than likely that your child is going to experience natural consequences and it will just blow bother you without changing their behavior. And here's why. Big point number two. The biggest fallacy with thinking natural consequences will work with our kids is that you are assuming these kids are actually motivated by consequences of any kind. Whether that's natural or imposed by the parent as some form of punishment. It is Based on a fundamental misunderstanding of our kids. Our kids have a very high need for intense emotional engagement and brain stimulation. Many of our kids have brains that are just physiologically understimulated. And that's why many of your kids, if they're on medication, it is a stimulant medication. We have kids who are intrinsically motivated, but by the challenge of breaking rules or doing things differently, they often prefer to do things the hard way and purposefully choose the harsher consequence because they prefer the challenge. We have kids who will purposefully defy you because they value their agency and independence, their desire to do it their own way, their ownership far above any consequences. They don't care if you take away their things, but do not take away their agency, their voice, their freedom. We have kids who will not give in. They will not cry uncle. They will not acknowledge that they have lost. I am not saying any of these traits or attributes are right or wrong. They just are. This is their nature. And most people around you simply won't understand that. Perhaps even your spouse and parents don't understand or they don't want to understand that. Why? Because this requires something of you beyond simple parenting maxims like, oh, kids will learn from natural consequences. Actually, no. No, they will not. And sometimes, maybe even rarely, they will, but not always. Fafo parenting and consequences are based on the belief that human behavior is rational. We take an action, experience a consequence, and then adjust our actions. But much of our, I would say most of our human behavior is driven by deeper emotional needs, trauma, anxiety that we often aren't even aware of. And younger children are impulsive. They don't always rationally put two and two together in the moment. So while it's necessary to give consequences to set boundaries and clear expectations, consequences are severely limited in their effectiveness in actually changing human behavior. Connection showing, teaching, creating success is affirming. It's way better. Sometimes there is something deeper going on underneath the surface that is driving this behavior. In your kids and in you and I, we all have issues. We're all doing something in our life that isn't completely healthy. And it's not just about willpower. There are often things driving that. External motivation does not work well with our kids. We need to motivate them internally. So let's look at this with some specific examples of natural consequences that could work and those that may actually backfire.