Fighting Over Doritos: Handling Tantrums & Sibling Fights - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Title: Fighting Over Doritos: Handling Tantrums & Sibling Fights
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: September 13, 2023

Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, addresses a common parenting dilemma: handling tantrums and sibling conflicts over coveted items—in this case, a beloved bag of Doritos. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, Kirk provides practical strategies to navigate and mitigate these power struggles effectively.

The Doritos Dilemma

Kirk sets the stage with a relatable scenario:

Situation: Two children return home with bags of Doritos. The younger son, eager for more, ends up taking his sister's Doritos when his own are put away.
Conflict: The sister becomes upset, leading to a heated argument and eventual tantrum when the mother intervenes by taking away the Doritos.
Parent's Concern: The mother wonders how to prevent such incidents and manage the ensuing tantrums once they start.

Notable Quote:
“When my son gets his mind on something, he'll do whatever is in his power to get it.”
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

Understanding Normalcy in Behavior

Kirk emphasizes that such behaviors are normal and human:

Normalization: Accept that children fighting over possessions and displaying tantrums is a natural part of development.
Parental Assurance: Parents are not failing; these conflicts are part of human nature and not indicative of parental shortcomings.

Notable Quote:
“You're not doing anything wrong. It's human nature. It's what people have done since the beginning of time.”
— Kirk Martin [04:15]

Two Core Strategies to Handle Tantrums

Kirk introduces two fundamental approaches to address and prevent such conflicts:

1. Immediate Response to the Situation

Non-Reactive Stance: Parents should maintain composure and not give in to the tantrum.
Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate that the desired item (Doritos) is no longer available.
Respecting Emotions: Acknowledge the child's feelings without granting their demands.

Practical Steps:

Stay Calm: "No matter what you do right now, you're not getting anymore."
—Kirk Martin [07:30]
Offer Alternatives: Suggest activities to redirect the child's energy, such as doing push-ups, running around, or playing with Legos.

Notable Quote:
“You can't always get what you want, right? You're disappointed. So you're telling them the truth.”
— Kirk Martin [06:00]

2. Broader Perspective on Emotional Expression

Emotional Acknowledgment: Recognize that both children and parents experience emotions; it's essential to validate them.
Teaching Resilience: Equip children with tools to handle disappointment, frustration, and anxiety.
Avoiding Shaming: Refrain from lecturing or shaming children for their emotional responses.

Key Insights:

Developmental Stages: Younger children naturally struggle with sharing and possessiveness; these skills develop over time.
Parental Role: Transition from reactive parenting to being a source of wisdom and support, guiding children through their emotional landscapes.

Notable Quote:
“Kids have tantrums. You're having your own over your child's tantrums. There's nothing to fix here. It's normal and common.”
— Kirk Martin [09:30]

Implementing Practical Tools

Kirk advocates for empowering parents with practical strategies rather than attempting to eliminate normal behaviors:

Control Over Reactions: Parents must manage their responses to avoid escalating the situation.
Focus on Teaching: Shift the focus from controlling the child to teaching them how to manage their emotions.
Consistent Messaging: Reinforce that negative behaviors won't change parental decisions, thereby reducing manipulative attempts.

Practical Example:
When a child throws a tantrum, instead of reacting negatively, Kirk suggests:

Acknowledge Feelings: "Of course you're upset because why wouldn't you want that whole bag of Doritos."
Reiterate Boundaries: "You can't always get what you want. So you're disappointed."
Offer Coping Mechanisms: Allow the child to express their frustration through physical activity or quiet time.

Notable Quote:
“Stop expecting kids and your spouse and other humans to not have emotions just because it's annoying and exasperating.”
— Kirk Martin [10:50]

Encouraging Long-Term Emotional Growth

Kirk stresses the importance of long-term emotional intelligence over immediate compliance:

Building Resilience: Teach children to push through difficulties rather than shutting down.
Empowering through Knowledge: Provide children with the tools and understanding to navigate their emotions independently.
Avoiding Reactivity: By not reacting to tantrums, parents help children learn that negative behaviors won't influence decisions.

Notable Quote:
“I want to teach you how to deal with anxiety, disappointment, frustration.”
— Kirk Martin [11:30]

Conclusion

In tackling the seemingly trivial yet emotionally charged issue of children fighting over Doritos, Kirk Martin offers a profound lesson in parenting. By normalizing emotional outbursts, maintaining calm and clear boundaries, and focusing on teaching resilience, parents can effectively manage tantrums and foster emotional intelligence in their children. The episode underscores that parenting is not about eliminating challenges but equipping both parents and children with the tools to navigate them gracefully.

Final Thought from Kirk:
“I'm setting the stage for them and saying, look, that's not gonna work. So if you need some help dealing with your disappointment, I'll help you out with that.”
— Kirk Martin [12:00]

Additional Resources

For parents seeking further assistance, Kirk encourages reaching out through Celebrate Calm's website or contacting him directly for personalized strategies and support.

Contact Information:

Website: www.celebratecalm.com
Email: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com

Thank you for tuning into the Calm Parenting Podcast.
Love you all. Bye.
— Kirk Martin [End of Content]

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Casey Martin (0:02)

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So you've got two kids and they come home from school or a party or vacation Bible school and they've got bags of Doritos. And you've got this little boy and he loves Doritos because who wouldn't love Doritos, right? I know it's not organic and it has all kind of food coloring, but you know what I mean. When I was a kid, we ate Doritos with peanut butter on it. Gross, but amazing. And look, I'm a very healthy adult now, so don't freak out moms and dads about your kids doing these things. So here's what happens. The son eats some Doritos, mom puts them away, and then the next day what happens? Well, the kid comes in, he's like, mom, I want more Doritos. And mom's like, okay, eat out of your bag. Well, what do you think this little boy is going to do? He also grabs his sister's bag of Doritos. What's going to happen next? The little girl is going to be upset because her brother's eating my Doritos. And then it's going to escalate and then mom's going to have to step in and take away the Doritos. And now they're sobbing because I want more Doritos. Right? And so here's what the mom asked. She Said, how could I have prevented this, right? And how could I have handled it once the tantrum started in these situations, right? Because she's like, oh, my son's, he's sweet and creative, smart, affectionate, but when he gets his mind on something, he'll do whatever is in his power to, to get it. So I'm going to answer that on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com thank you for sharing the podcast. If you have any questions, if you need some help, reach out to our son who was every bit like this young boy, right? If, like gets his mind on something, he just wanted it, It's Casey. See c a-y celebratehome.com email them, tell us about your family, ages of kids and we will reply personally to you with very specific strategies, advice. If you need help with any of our products, reach out to Casey because he can put together a custom package or if you need help financially, he will help you. It's what we do. It's very easy. Just reach out. So here's what I want to hit on a few thoughts and I want to liberate you as parents from having to second guess yourselves all the time, right? And worry. Like, one of the questions was, well, what could I do to prevent it? Look, these things are going to happen and I want you to normalize some of this, right? Like if you have two kids or three or one child coming home with anything, let's just use the Doritos. I'm super psyched. Because what is better than a podcast on Doritos, right? And so the kids are coming home with Doritos and should automatically trigger in your brain. They're going to want to eat them and nothing else. Because that's human nature. This stuff is going to happen, right? And so I don't want you to get freaked out about it or think that, well, I must be doing something wrong as a parent or my kids wouldn't fight over things or my son wouldn't have tantrums. What am I doing wrong? Nothing. You're not doing anything wrong. It's human nature. It's what people have done since the beginning of time. So here are two big ideas for you. One is on what to do in the situation. So you take away the Doritos and sun. Like, what's he supposed to say? Oh, you know what, mom, thank you for doing what's best for me. I know that I had Already eaten enough Doritos, and they're filled with all kinds of preservatives and food dye, and that's not good for me. So I'm glad that you loved me enough to take those away. Like, what weird kid would say that, right? And I would say, for most of us, if we have something we want and someone takes it away from us, we don't like it as adults, okay? Those of you on a certain political spectrum with taxes, right, you go rants every day about that because someone's taking something from you, right? And you, some of you are married to someone who literally talks about that every day of his adult life. We all do that. So here's one way. Actually, this is the way to do it. I look at my son and say, of course you're upset, because why wouldn't you want that whole bag of Doritos and your sister's Doritos? Normalize it, right? And I know some of you are like, I know, but, you know, kids are supposed to share. No, they're not. Not until they're at least age 7 or 8, right? Little kids, by the way, for those of you with toddlers, don't get freaked out when the preschool calls and emails. Well, your daughter is having a hard time sharing. Your response should be, of course, because developmentally, that's what little kids do. They want to grab things and control things. And so as your kids get older, right, we get better at sharing. But in this situation, look, it's a little kid or it's a teenager, right? You've got two teenagers or three. They're going. They literally watch. Here's a teenager. Let's see if this isn't true. You don't really talk to them much because they disappear to their rooms and they're on their phones and their screens, and we have programs to help you minimize that, help with that. But they're in their rooms, and then they come out sometime after dinner time because they probably didn't eat enough at dinner or they did, and they're just growing. And so they come out and they open the fridge and they just stand there and look and see what's in the fridge, and maybe they pick something out of there. Look, if I'm a teenager and I see my brothers or sisters or parents stuff in there and it looks good to eat, I'm probably grabbing it. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying it's normal. So of course you're upset. Why wouldn't you want all the Doritos they're awesome. But here's the deal. You can't always get what you want, right? I used to say in some of our programs, you'll hear me, I'll say, mick Jagger was right. You can't always get what you want, right? Can't always get what you want. So you're disappointed. But here's what I want you to know. No matter what you do right now, you're not getting anymore. You're not. You can scream, you can have a big tantrum. You can throw yourself on the floor. You can call me names, right? You can do anything you want right now. But it's not going to change my behavior. So. And let's see the tone there. The tone is, I'm not. You know what? Why can't you just be content with what you have? Why do you always have to have a tantrum? Well, my question to you parents is, why do you have to have a tantrum? You have a tantrum over your kids tantrums, right? My kids always complain. Well, you complain about their complaining. We all do this. There's no shaming. We all do it. Learn. Try to get some perspective and laugh a little bit at this stuff, okay? It's not the end of the world. Your child's not a sociopath because he stole some Doritos from his sister. He's actually a smart kid. Because, you know, when you're a kid, Doritos are awesome. This is a go for it type kid, and that is the very energy you want in an entrepreneur. I see an opportunity. I see a bag there. Nobody's guarding it. I'm going for it. And I'm going to put all those Doritos in my mouth and crunch them, and then they're going to be gone. And if I get in trouble later, what punishment are you going to give me? Send me to my room? Oh, that's awful. I got two bags of Doritos, so I don't care, right? Like, get inside their heart and their head so you can understand. But notice the tone in here. Of course you're upset. Why would you want all the Doritos? They're awesome. But you know what? You can't always get what you want. So you're disappointed. So you're telling them truth. This is just what just happened. You want all of those Doritos and you can't always get what you want, so you're going to be disappointed. It's a fact of life. You're not upset. You're not lecturing, just reading. Them truth. But here's what I want you to know no matter what you do right now. You can throw yourself on the floor, you can scream like the worst decibels ever. You can plead, you can go ask your mom, your dad, you can do everything you want to manipulate but you're not getting anymore because your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood.