Grumpy, Complaining, Tantrumy Kids from Ages 2-22?

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary: "Grumpy, Complaining, Tantrumy Kids from Ages 2-22?"

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode Release Date: December 1, 2024
Podcast Description: The Calm Parenting Podcast, hosted by Kirk Martin, offers practical strategies to help parents and teachers manage power struggles, yelling, and defiance in children. Drawing from his experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, Kirk provides honest, effective, and often humorous insights to foster calm and respectful interactions.

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Introduction

In the December 1, 2024 episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, Kirk Martin tackles a pervasive challenge many parents face: managing children who are grumpy, constantly complaining, or prone to tantrums across a broad age range, from toddlers to young adults. Kirk emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of such behaviors and provides actionable strategies to foster a more harmonious family environment.

Understanding Grumpy and Moody Behavior in Children

Kirk opens the discussion by acknowledging that dealing with irritable children is a common experience for many parents. He states, “If you have a child who can be grumpy, who verbalizes everything that's wrong... you're not alone” (01:21). He emphasizes that grumpiness can significantly impact the emotional climate of a household and seeks to provide tools to mitigate these challenges.

Strategies for Toddlers and Young Children

Identifying Root Causes

For toddlers and young children, Kirk suggests first examining potential physical causes of irritability. “Check out and see if there are some gut issues going on, some allergies, if they have eczema” (Kirk Martin, 02:45). He explains that physical discomfort can heighten a child's irritability, making them more prone to tantrums and meltdowns.

Sensory Touch and Exercise

Kirk highlights the importance of sensory experiences and physical activity in regulating emotions. “Sensory touch and exercise is really important... when you're working and sweating, you're kind of working off that icky feeling inside” (Kirk Martin, 04:10). Encouraging activities like hiking can help children manage their emotions more effectively.

Distinguishing Tantrums from Meltdowns

A key differentiation Kirk makes is between tantrums and meltdowns:

• Tantrums are rational and goal-oriented, aiming to achieve a specific desire.
• Meltdowns are emotional and unmanageable, occurring suddenly and intensely without a clear objective.

He advises parents to respond appropriately based on the type of emotional outburst.

Handling Complaining and Venting in Older Children

As children grow older, their methods of expressing frustration evolve. Kirk notes that older children and adolescents often vent as a way to process disappointment. “Your strong-willed kids and kids on the spectrum often vent because that's how they process their disappointment” (Kirk Martin, 10:05).

Validation and Time-Limited Venting

Kirk recommends validating a child’s feelings while setting boundaries to prevent excessive venting:

• Validation: “Oh man, that is frustrating when things don't go right like that” (Kirk Martin, 09:15).
• Time Limits: Allowing a set period, such as seven and a half minutes, for the child to express their frustrations before shifting to problem-solving.

This approach helps children feel heard without allowing their complaints to dominate the interaction.

Managing Emotional Outbursts During Teen Years

Teenagers often experience heightened emotions due to hormonal changes and social pressures. Kirk advises parents to maintain a drama-free presence:

• “Be the one person, the one thing in their life that is drama-free” (Kirk Martin, 19:50).
• Sitting with Their Moodiness: Instead of trying to fix their emotions, Kirk suggests simply being present and allowing teens to navigate their feelings without additional stress.

Utilizing Technology Responsibly

Kirk also touches on the use of monitoring apps like Bright Canary to stay informed about teens’ online activities without intrusive surveillance. “Bright Canary gives you a summary of their online activity... it's kind of like an early alert system” (Kirk Martin, 12:50).

Encouraging Emotional Independence and Mentorship

Kirk emphasizes the value of external mentorship for teenagers:

• Mentors: Finding an older, stable adult who can provide guidance without being seen as just another parental figure.
• Generational Grounding: “Seniors, older people are very grounding with our kids... It’s old awesome” (Kirk Martin, 20:45).

Connecting teens with mentors helps them gain perspective and support outside the immediate family dynamic.

Focusing on Self-Management as Parents

A significant portion of Kirk’s advice centers on parent self-management:

• Control Over Emotions: “Your mood does not change my mood. Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior” (Kirk Martin, 08:30).
• Avoiding Resentment: Kirk warns against overextending oneself for the sake of managing a child's emotions, which can lead to parental resentment. “Stop trying to fix everybody else and just work on controlling yourself” (Kirk Martin, 21:10).

By focusing on their own emotional responses, parents can model the calm and stability they wish to see in their children.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

Kirk wraps up the episode by reinforcing essential strategies and phrases for parents:

• Key Phrases to Internalize:

  • “Your mood does not change my mood.” (08:30)
  • “Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior.” (08:35)
  • “My job as a parent is not dependent on how you behave, but how I behave.” (09:00)

• Boundary Setting: Establishing limits on venting and emotional expressions to maintain a balanced household.

• Self-Work: Emphasizing the importance of parents working on their own emotional regulation to effectively support their children.

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to adopt these strategies to foster a calmer, more respectful family environment. He expresses gratitude for the parents' efforts and reassures them of their capabilities.

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Notable Quotes:

• “No kid's going to be like, we just need to be grateful for everything we have. And your kids are never going to say, mom, dad, you know what? You're so right about that...” (01:50)

• “Your tantrums don't affect me. I am okay with you throwing yourself on the floor.” (06:30)

• “Your strong-willed kids and kids on the spectrum often vent because that's how they process their disappointment.” (10:05)

• “Be the one person, the one thing in their life that is drama-free.” (19:50)

• “Your mood does not change my mood. Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior.” (08:30)

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By following Kirk Martin's insights and strategies, parents can navigate the complexities of their children's emotional landscapes with greater ease and effectiveness, ultimately fostering a more harmonious and respectful family dynamic.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

Do you have a child who can be grumpy, who verbalizes everything that's wrong? Who, who often controls the emotional tide of your home? Whose mood does determine your mood? What if your child wakes up first thing just miserable and makes everyone else miserable? Well, good, because you're not alone. I want to give you some tools to deal with grumpy, moody kids. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find [e-mail], where we have our Christmas sale going, going on. So I'm going to ask a favor of you. I changed all of this at the last minute because I kept getting different emails and I just wanted to take a different path. And I'm going to ask you to give me some freedom, I guess, to not have everything perfectly scripted out, to kind of go with my gut in how I say certain things. And so this is going to apply to all ages, from toddlers, all the way to to teens, everyone in between. And if you were expecting me to say, well, Kirk, you know, I think that just a good lecture is what we need to do, well, you're probably mistaken because there's no lecture that's going to work. Look, no kid's going to be like, well, Kids, you know, we just need to be grateful for everything we have. And your kids are never going to say, mom, dad, you know what? You're so right about that, because I see you live that out in your daily life. No, lectures don't work. You know what does work? Model it. Model this for your kids. Deal with your own emotions. If you want your kids to be grateful, live a grateful life. If you want them to be generous, be generous. So I'm going to go through this, and I've got basically kind of four pages of pieces of a sheet laid out that didn't make sense. But just roll with me on this. Four parts. I'm going to go through kind of the age groups, from little kids all the way up to us as adults. So let's take toddlers and little ones. And by the way, not all of these. It's not like you can only do this for toddlers. All of these strategies and ideas will apply to kids of all ages. I'm just trying to hit it from different angles where these things tend to manifest a little bit more. So toddlers and little ones. You know, if I've got a grumpy kid, one of the first do is check out and see if there are some gut issues going on, some allergies, if they have eczema. You know why? Because when I don't feel good physically, I'm just a little bit more irritable. And so irritants can cause people to be grumpy. You may check out a, you know, check with your pediatrician, but for some of you, maybe a functional medicine doctor who does check out gut issues, because a lot of our kids do struggle with that. They have anxiety like I do. Anxiety lives in the stomach. Look, if you have eczema, I know a lot of kids we worked with, I'd ask a question of like, hey, do they drink a lot of fruit juices? And the answer was always, yeah. Well, there's sugar, and that causes inflammation and that bothers the skin. And if your skin's bothered and you're itchy all the time, you're probably not going to be as patient with your siblings or parents. So always look for the root issue. You know, these are kids who are easily frustrated. I'd encourage you. With kids of all ages, sensory touch and exercise is really important, because when I'm kind of in a grumpy mood or even when Casey is. You know what we do? We go for a big hike. Why? Because when you're working and sweating, you're kind of Working off that icky feeling inside. So here's the big one for little kids. They whine and they complain and they throw tantrums. We have been through, in fact, in the latest podcast, we did one on kids who are melting down in public. But here's the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. See, a meltdown is something very emotional. They're not even in control, right? They go from 0 to 100 very, very quickly. But a tantrum is usually, at least at the beginning, it's very rational. I want something, you won't give it to me. So I'm going to just have a tantrum. And aisle three in the grocery store in our home. And the whole idea, the purpose of a tantrum is I want to wear you down, mom or dad, until you give in. If it's in public, I can do that more quickly because you get embarrassed. So here are two phrases I want you to begin saying to yourself. You can say this to your kids. You don't have to just read the moment, but at least internalize. Hey, your mood does not determine or change my mood. Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior. Because if their mood and behavior does change what you do, how you act, how you react, well, we all know this, then they're in complete control of you. They basically have power over your emotions. And I've handled this in our programs in different places in a lot more detail. But begin to really work on that of saying inside, I refuse to give power over my emotions, my mood, my responses, my behavior to anyone or anything else because that gives you ultimate power in life. And with tantrums, I will tell you, there's no need for a consequence for a child throwing a tantrum. The consequences that they don't get what they were tantruming about, that's the consequence. You just don't get what you were throwing yourself on the floor for. That's the consequence, is that it just doesn't work. And instead I invite them and even matter of fact tone, hey, when you're done with this, if you want to talk to me more like a grown up, if you want to have a conversation, if you want to problem solve, oh, I'm all over that. But what I wanted kids to know, especially we had 1500 kids in our home, is your tantrums don't affect me. I am okay with you throwing yourself on the floor. I am okay with you having a tantrum in public. Watch. This is a great phrase. My job as a parent is not dependent on how you behave. But how I behave. We could stop the podcast right there and just focus on that, but we'll keep going. Look, quickly, many of you have little kids are going to be like, I hate you, mommy. Look, that's purely manipulative. They're not mad at you. They're just frustrated with themselves. They're not getting what they want and they're looking for some clarity. So don't take it personally. They're just saying that because they're frustrated. So don't react. Okay? As we get a little bit older, you're going to find that many of you have kids who will complain a lot. They will vent. I've talked about this before, where you go to, you take your kids to Disney World and they complain like the entire week, every single day. And then a couple weeks later the grandparents come over and they're like, grandma, Grandpa, let me tell you about Disney World. It was the best vacation ever. And you're like, what? So a couple things I want you to know. Your strong willed kids and kids on the spectrum often vent because that's how they process their disappointment. And I wouldn't take it too seriously. It is a form of, for many of these kids, catastrophizing. Oh, this day is going to be awful. I hate it when that happens and they verbally process what's going on inside of them. Is it annoying? Absolutely it is. It should bother you. See, I'm validating you're being annoyed, but I don't want you to react to it. Here are a few things you could do. You could give intense validation. Oh, man, I hate it when that happens too. Oh man, that is frustrating when things don't go right like that. See, sometimes that lets them know they're being heard and that you're taking it seriously, so to speak. You could say, hey, you know what? After school I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes in order to vent. Tell me everything you don't like about school. Everything that you're unhappy about. Seven and a half minutes. But after that's up, then we problem solve. Seven and a half minutes is an arbitrary time limit. I like interesting time limits. It puts some boundaries on it. It's not too short, it's not too long. Moms and dads, you don't have to listen to every single thing your kids say, okay? This is not like you're their therapist and you have to listen for 20 hours a day. You can put boundaries on things. So you also have to think about, like, is it, Are Your kids really miserable or are they just catastrophizing and it's okay that you ask them, Hey, I can hear you saying that. Are you really upset about this or are you just processing your disappointment and frustration? That would be a great question to ask them so that they then know for the rest of their lives. Oh, I tend to be prone to just saying, verbalizing and processing because then they can tell their future spouse, hey, don't get upset. Don't take it too seriously. I just process this way. And you can also tell them, hey, if this is a grandma's birthday party, hey, this isn't the time for that because everything's not about you, right? That's perfectly fine to you to do. You can also do this. And I really like this a lot. Many of you have kids who get very, very frustrated and then they lose it. And I don't know if I've ever really said this on a podcast before. I cover it in our programs, but it's this. It's coming to them and say, you know, one of the things I like about you, it is that you get very frustrated. Because what that really means underneath is you get a vision of doing something, you get ideas, and then you want to carry out and implement that idea, but you don't always have the tools to do it the right way and it doesn't turn out. And then you get really frustrated. And what that means is you're conscientious. It means you care about what you're doing. And I think that's a fantastic quality. Now, what I want to help you with is this. I want you to still get frustrated, but not lose control of your emotions when you get frustrated. Because when you do, that's when you tend to lash out at your brother. You punch, you hit things, you throw things, you punch holes in the wall. And I know that doesn't feel good and it's going to cost you money, right? So one of the things I want, see, there's a distinction there of, like, your frustration to me, just says that you care about it. I want to teach you how to get frustrated without losing control. And some of that moms and dads implies that you know how to do that as well.

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[Kirk Martin]

So let's start on those things. Now, what do we do when we get to the teen and tween year? Okay. For your older kids, expect grumpiness. Expect some attitude. It would be weird if a teen or tween always had a good attitude. They've got hormonal changes, they've got social media stuff going on. It's that it's they're wrestling with this whole thing of like, they want their independence but they don't know how to get it. And so it's hard. So I want you to begin smiling at times, as if you are expecting this, let go of taking everything personally. If you're doing too much for your kids and that's causing resentment, well, that's your issue. Stop doing so much for them. If they have attitude, you have every right to say, hey, just want you to know, that attitude, that tone, that's not going to work for you. And then you create some space and give them a chance to come back and do it differently. Look, if you have deeper things going on, that's for a separate podcast, but for the most part, here's what I really want you to do with teenagers. Be the one person, the one thing in their life that is drama, free, no drama. Because their whole life with their friends, with everything, is all. With their hormones, it's all drama. So be that person they can count on. Sit in the discomfort of their grumpiness while you're driving next to them or while they're kind of moping around the house. I know there's discomfort there. I want you to create the environment in which they feel free to come to you and open up and talk to you. But if they think they're you're going to lecture them or get on them about something, they won't come to you. So work on really sitting silently next to them in the midst of that discomfort and their moodiness without trying to fix it again. We could stop the podcast right there. That's enough to work on. Look, there's this whole thing during those years of, they want the freedom, but there's got to be accountability. And I remember back in the day with Casey, I had a rule with him with his smartphone, which is anytime I could walk up to him, hold out my hand with a palm up, and he had to place his phone in my hands. Well, that implied there's a lot of trust there, because when I look through his phone, I would see inappropriate things that he had said to his best friends. Why? Because he's a teenage boy. And that required that I not overreact to him because he was just being a teenage boy. But I also wanted to make sure there weren't images, other things going on that could hurt him. Now, the advantage you have as a parent is that there are so many really cool apps out there that you can utilize. And I've gotten so much good feedback. A couple weeks ago, we did that podcast on screens, and I mentioned Bright Canary. It's a really cool app because you don't even have to look at your child's phone. You can see what they're doing online right from your own phone. You don't have to like monitor it 24 7. I don't want you to do that. But Bright Canary gives you a summary of their online activity. It's kind of like an early alert system because part of your goal is to prevent them from doing things that hurt them because they're impulsive teenagers. So look up those apps, look up Break Canera. It's fantastic. And I've got a lot of great feedback on that from parents. So here's the other thing with your teenagers and I'll just repeat this. Be no drama. Sit in their grumpiness without trying to fix it. And let's see if you can find another adult who can be a mentor of sorts for your teenagers. Because our strong willed kids, they don't like to listen to their parents but they will listen to someone else. And I've mentioned it a million times because I want you to keep doing it. Seniors, older people are very grounding with our kids. They've been through everything already. They don't have a lot of drama. And so it's old awesome. If your kids can spend go down one afternoon a week and spend some time with an older couple helping them around the house, it's a really cool thing to do. And I would use that with younger kids too. Anyway. It's great for their emotions. So your part in this, I mentioned this before, that resentment part. Of course you're resentful because our kids have so many advantages and things that we didn't have. But if you're doing too much for them and not enough for yourself, well then you have to flip that around and start doing some things for yourself. Stop doing everything for them. Resentment is yours. Stop trying to fix your kids moods. I know that kids being grumpy and in a bad mood is annoying. And you know what is equally as annoying? Us feeling the need to fix other people's moods. Look, I'll share this with you. I've learned as I've gotten older marriage, one of the things that maybe causes me to be the most patient is let's just take it out of me so it's not so personal. But you know what I'm saying. Let's say you're married to someone who is very, very sensitive. They're a sensitive person. Well, they feel things deeply and things affect them. And maybe you're the spouse who doesn't feel things as deeply and you're a little bit more rational. Well, you're initial response is usually going to be to say, oh, honey, there's no need to be upset about that. It's going to work out perfectly fine. And so when you do that, when I do that, when I used to do that, you know what I was really saying to my spouse? I can't handle your emotions. I need you to change. I need you to deal with your emotions because they're making me really uncomfortable. You know what maturity is and you'll find as you get older. So get a head start on this. Not feeling compelled to change your spouse's or your child's emotions or their moods, it is really hard. But you know what happens when you try to change them. It causes fights and then everybody's frustrated and it doesn't ever work. Then everybody is moody and grumpy. Work on that. Stop needing your child to not be grumpy. Work on yourself, because we've talked about this. The quickest way to change, look, everybody, not just your kids behavior, your spouse, friends, is to first work on yourself and get mastery of this. So let's wrap this up because the holidays, I'm trying to keep these short for little kids. Remember these phrases. Your mood does not change my mood. Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior. My job as a parent is not dependent on how you behave, but how I behave, that's golden. Don't be manipulated by these kids. You don't have to give in to them at all. Put boundaries around their venting. Give them opportunities to work off the stress, get to the root of it. And with your teens and teens and tweens, no drama, no drama. Stop trying to fix everybody else and just work on controlling yourself. If you want help with that, man.

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[Kirk Martin]

A great thing to be. Two things. One is get everything packaged for yourself or for your spouse as a Christmas gift because it will change your family for generations. And you don't have to listen to it all before holidays because it's really busy. But man, we can start the new year off fresh with a game plan with specific action steps and strategies to control yourself and to help your kids. That would be amazing. And it's on sale now. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey. He'll help you out with this. Thank you all as parents. Thank you for letting me be tough with you and not coddle you as parents.

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[Kirk Martin]

I understand how hard this is and I have tremendous respect for you working so hard. Listen to the podcast. I appreciate you sharing the podcast. So we can do this. You can do this. You're really good parents. And I appreciate you. Okay, talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye.