AG1 Ad (11:51)

So let's geek out together for a.

Kirk Martin (11:53)

Minute over gut health, because I'm really into this.

AG1 Ad (11:56)

I just learned that prebiotics are the.

Kirk Martin (11:59)

Food that help fuel the growth of healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut.

AG1 Ad (12:05)

So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion.

Kirk Martin (12:09)

Calms my stomach, and keeps me regular.

AG1 Ad (12:12)

Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a.

Kirk Martin (12:16)

Wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I.

AG1 Ad (12:20)

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics.

Kirk Martin (12:23)

Prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients. I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think you should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, which I love and five free travel packs in your first box, so.

AG1 Ad (12:55)

Check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to.

Kirk Martin (13:03)

Your gut so we just moved into.

AG1 Ad (13:07)

A new home with no landscaping, so we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that.

Kirk Martin (13:20)

Don'T have what you want.

AG1 Ad (13:22)

Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. Get your plants delivered directly to your door in just a few days. Their alive and thrive guarantee ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus you get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com CALM offers valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

Kirk Martin (14:19)

But here's your question. Aren't you just giving in? You could make that argument, but I would make the argument that we make these decisions every single day in our interactions with others and ourselves. Look, I compromise. I compromise with myself daily at the gym when I choose an easier workout over a tougher one. But I still worked out. I do it daily with my family and friends. I put aside what I want or what is most comfortable to me and I compromise to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me into resentment. See, if you're always compromising and always doing everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself moms, if you're always doing that because you learn that from your mom, it's generational pattern you need to break. Otherwise you're just going to be resentmentful. After all I do for you. See, if you're doing that, that's not healthy. So you compromise to the degree and you could call. You don't have to call it compromise. You could call it being selfless because that's one of our core things is I want to be selfless and I want to put others before me. Right? But I do that to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me into resentment. Are you giving in to your spouse or friends when you agree to meet halfway or change your mind or put their preferences between above yours? No. So but we have this idea sometimes with the parent child relationship that it's different. Like it's some dictatorship in which the authority figures primary purpose is to wield ultimate executive power in some insecure bid for power and to train his or her subject to learn how to obey. Look, much of that that we have comes from these misconceptions that we have. This upbringing in which authoritarian parents merely pass down law based religious conceptions. Some of you have that deep inside of you. I sure did. But I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because I have his best interests at heart. Because we've built a trusting relationship. I don't need him to carry out my arbitrary wishes or do things out of obligation because I'm the authority figure in the home. I want him to do these things because out of the generosity of his heart this is reciprocated. Because hopefully this has been molded and modeled by his mom and dad by how we treat him and others in the world. So out of that, our child, your child, reciprocates with selfless acts and kindness because he wants to, not because he has to. Not out of obligation or out of fear. So I encourage you wrestle with these ideas of what a good authority figure is. Because in my life what I found is good authority figures are patient and they walk alongside me. Look, they don't let me get away with my BS and they challenge me, but they walk alongside me and show me how to do that instead of just demanding it from above. Okay, so back to our example. You and your kids, look, you and your kids are not equals when it comes to decision making power. You have the ultimate authority. You can say no whenever you want and that's completely fine. But I want to encourage you because you are the one with power, to exercise it with humility. Especially with the strong willed kids. Again, not giving in. We don't have to be permissive, but I also don't have to go. I'm the authority figure. I told you to do it. Your job is to obey. In between there is a trusting relationship. So in this situation, give your child's brain a win, create a success. Number three, give your child some ownership. You know, if you listen to our programs, we talk all the time about giving your kids ownership of their choices within your boundaries. It's really powerful. So maybe you say, hey, why don't you become the barista of our home? You're giving your child some ownership of this task and asking him to assume a more adult, like more Responsible position. See, this is what I'm really after. I don't want your kids just to do what you tell them to do all the time. That's fine. But then I'm setting them up for a life in which their job is to go through life just doing things that they're supposed to do. I wanted to raise a responsible child. I want more responsibility. So let me keep going with this. Let me repeat that. You're giving your child ownership of the task and you're actually asking your child to assume a more adult, like more responsible position. Now number four, I affirm again, hey, that's really cool. You know, why don't you be in charge of this every morning? And actually I'm going to give you a challenge. Maybe you could come up with some different recipes and maybe once a week you could cook a meal for us because I think you make an excellent chef. See, you're lifting your child up now and expecting more of your child. See, in saying no all the time, you're just asking your child to be obedient to your wishes. But we're actually asking something greater of your child to, to learn to be more responsible. To use his or her gifts, talents and passions and desires to do something constructive for the family. They're going to struggle to do their chores, but they'll often, if you change that around and you're like, hey, cooking a meal for us once a week, awesome. That's teaching you to be responsible, which is what we're after. It's a lot better than just having you do some little choreography. So I'd rather I mentioned this before and you're really going to have to wrestle with this. Moms and dads. I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. An obedient child merely carries out instructions. A responsible child must think, use his or her gifts creatively and serve a higher purpose. And that's a critical paradigm shift. I can tell you with a grown son, the reason he is so good at what he does because both with Celebrate Calm and his other full time job, is that he's extremely responsible. He's very good in the adult world. So instead, watch what happens with this. Instead of just complaining to your spouse, to friends, to yourself that your child is disobedient to your largely arbitrary wishes. Instead, watch. You begin to change the narrative in your heart and in your child's head and heart to this. I have a child who is responsible and capable of doing adult type jobs. And that is going to make my Child wildly successful in the real world. See the difference? He never listens to anything I say. She doesn't follow through on things. He doesn't do his chores. Why can't they ever do that? Instead, my narrative is, man, I give my child a challenge and this child steps up and takes ownership of it. And now I don't even have to worry about it because they're hugely responsible when they're doing these things. My child's going to kill it in the adult world because Otherwise we spend 18 years trying to get them to care about what we care about and try to be good at being a kid and good at doing schoolwork all the time. And we crush their confidence. We kill their confidence. Instead, I look out to the future and say, man, this is going to serve you well in the real world. Now here's number five. And this is going to be tough for you. Know that your child in this situation is going to leave little droplets of coffee and cream and spill sugar and leave little wrappers on the counter and he's not going to clean up the right way. And I can say that with pretty much 100% certainty. So what's your response to this? One of two things. One, you could go a little bit more even matter of firm fact, say, hey, no more barista job and definitely no tip until you learn how to clean up. Look, I'm perfectly fine with that. What I don't like is, you know what, if you're not going to learn how to clean up, you're not going to get to do coffee anymore. See, it's that snotty tone. It's that endless lecture. You know, we need, we really need to learn how to clean up around here. Because if you don't learn, stop all the lectures. Talk to them like adults. Look how quick that, hey, just, just want you to know, love what you're doing. Love the barista. Fantastic. You're doing grown up things. You're responsible. But look, no more barista job and definitely no tip. Because I kind of like in this situation, occasionally if they go above and beyond leaving like a little tip of some kind, hey, no tip until you learn how to clean up. I like that a lot. I would try that. Look, some of your kids, they just don't clean up and they're not. And so you can say, oh, you're letting them get away with it, but you've tried to make them do it 87 times and they just don't. And in that case, I just put some music on, I smile you savor your coffee while you're cleaning up next to your child, smiling and having a conversation and telling them how much you love their coffee and giving a vision for their lives of all the other responsible things they could begin doing. Now, I know this is not the way you always pictured your home running. This isn't how you pictured your child behaving. Because some of you grew up in these really rigid homes. It's like, well, I'm just going to tell them what to do and they're just going to do it. And then you had a strong willed child and they brought out all of your immaturity and your triggers so you can work on it and grow up and be free from all these traps. But that's. But look, this, what I'm talking about, this is the reality. This is the child you've been given. And watch what you just did here, which is cool. You took what was a certain power struggle, right? That you. Look, nobody wins in a power struggle. It always results in tears and strained relationships. And you turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety and you paused for a minute and you found a way to say yes to something. So this week I want you to think of some common situations in your home in which you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time, begin to rethink those situations and think, how can we be creative? How can we get to yes to something? How can we encourage our kids to use his or her gifts and become more responsible all within our acceptable boundaries? Just make sure your boundaries are big enough. Don't be so rigid. Watch your child's expression when you say, you know, I usually say no to that, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. See, I actually believe you can do this really well. And you could even add this. You know what, I wonder if you could even do this better than I can do it. See, now that's motivating. And I know this stuff isn't easy. I understand I'm challenging many of your most deeply held beliefs and assumptions about parenting. So I appreciate you wrestling with these ideas. Look, I like to laugh and be light hearted, but the stakes are high here because if we keep picking these power struggles, this will destroy relationships and lives for decades with serious fallout. So it's important that you really wrestle with these ideas. And I'm going to ask you to do this for a few weeks, do it for a month, See how it works. See how your child responds. You're going to be uncomfortable and you're going to question yourself, Right? And every good family is going to say, are we letting our child get away with things? But they don't do X and Y. But they do these things, and other people are going to judge you. And that's normal. And it's good to wrestle. And I encourage you. Keep listening to the podcast. Keep. If you have the programs, download them to your app. To the app, tell us. We'll share it with your spouse. We'll share the programs with your parents. So everybody's on the same page. Let your kids listen. Look what Carmine is listening. This podcast. Let them listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program. Because Casey, our son, will encourage him and challenge him. Hey, you got to learn how to control yourself. Because if you learn how to control yourself, your parents don't have to. It's really cool. If you need some help, if you need help with the products or financial assistance, reach out to us at kccaselebratecolm. Com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being open to a different way, and thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye.