Handling A Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind (Give Their Brain A Win)

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Handling a Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode Title: Handling A Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind (Give Their Brain A Win)
Release Date: July 7, 2024

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1. Introduction

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into effective strategies for managing strong-willed children without succumbing to power struggles or losing patience. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical, life-changing techniques to foster harmonious parent-child relationships.

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2. Understanding Strong-Willed Children

Kirk begins by defining strong-willed children as individuals with busy, highly active brains who are often visual thinkers. These children are enthusiastic about their ideas and have a single-minded focus to pursue their visions. While these traits can lead to future success, they often result in power struggles, meltdowns, and constant arguing when their desires clash with parental or educational expectations.

Kirk Martin [01:50]: "They wake up, they picture something in their brains and now they've got a mission, they've got a vision, and they want to carry that out."

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3. The Traditional Approach vs. Celebrate Calm's Approach

Traditional parenting methods often involve reflexively saying no to manage obedience, which can backfire with strong-willed children. Kirk emphasizes that saying no is not inherently wrong; it's a necessary part of teaching children how to handle disappointments. However, the key difference lies in how and when to say no and finding creative ways to respond that respect the child's autonomy while maintaining boundaries.

Kirk Martin [05:30]: "It's not about being permissive or authoritarian. It's about finding that middle ground where your authority is respected, but your child feels empowered."

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4. Strategies to Handle Demands

Kirk outlines a five-step process to handle demanding behaviors effectively:

a. Say Yes Within Boundaries

Instead of an outright refusal, Kirk advises parents to find ways to say yes within established boundaries. This approach acknowledges the child's initiative while maintaining necessary limits.

Kirk Martin [07:20]: "There's nothing wrong with saying no to your child. But find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries."

b. Give Their Brain a Win

Providing children with small successes can create positive momentum. By allowing them to achieve something within safe parameters, parents can reduce resistance and build trust.

Kirk Martin [09:10]: "Give your child's brain a win. Create successes to feed that busy brain in healthy ways."

c. Afford Ownership and Responsibility

Encouraging children to take ownership of tasks within set boundaries fosters a sense of responsibility. Kirk suggests assigning roles that align with the child's interests, such as becoming the "barista of the home", thereby transforming demands into opportunities for growth.

Kirk Martin [10:15]: "Give your child some ownership. Ask them to assume a more responsible position within your household."

d. Shift the Narrative from Disobedient to Responsible

Changing the internal dialogue from labeling children as disobedient to recognizing them as responsible helps in nurturing their inherent strengths. This shift encourages children to use their gifts creatively and serve a higher purpose.

Kirk Martin [11:40]: "I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. A responsible child uses their gifts creatively and serves a higher purpose."

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5. Practical Example: The Coffee-Making Scenario

Kirk illustrates his approach with a real-life example of a child eager to make coffee independently. Rather than shutting down the request, Kirk advises parents to:

1. Affirm the Idea:

   Kirk Martin [08:50]: "I think making coffee is a great idea."

2. Add a Challenge:

   Kirk Martin [09:30]: "Could you look up some different recipes with healthy spices to add to our coffee?"

3. Provide Ownership:

   Kirk Martin [10:00]: "Why don't you become the barista of our home?"

4. Set Clear Expectations:

   Kirk Martin [11:00]: "No tip until you learn how to clean up properly."

This method transforms a potential power struggle into a bonding opportunity, fostering responsibility and mutual respect.

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6. Emphasizing Trust Over Obedience

Kirk advocates for building a trusting relationship rather than enforcing obedience out of obligation. By modeling patience and walking alongside the child, parents can cultivate an environment where children trust their parents' intentions and are motivated to act out of generosity and responsibility rather than fear or obligation.

Kirk Martin [13:15]: "I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because I have his best interests at heart."

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7. Conclusion

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to implement these strategies consistently over a few weeks to observe positive changes. He acknowledges the discomfort that comes with altering deeply held parenting beliefs but underscores the long-term benefits of fostering responsible, confident children over compliant ones. By shifting perspectives and embracing creative responses, parents can turn power struggles into bonding moments, ensuring healthier relationships and more successful futures for their children.

Kirk Martin [14:50]: "If we keep picking these power struggles, this will destroy relationships and lives for decades with serious fallout. It's important to wrestle with these ideas."

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8. Notable Quotes

• Understanding Motivation:

  "They begin, they wake up, they picture something in their brains and now they've got a mission, they've got a vision, and they want to carry that out." [01:50]

• Empowering Through Responsibility:

  "Give your child's brain a win. Create successes to feed that busy brain in healthy ways." [09:10]

• Prioritizing Trust:

  "I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because I have his best interests at heart." [13:15]

• Long-term Benefits:

  "I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. A responsible child uses their gifts creatively and serves a higher purpose." [11:40]

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9. Additional Resources

For more strategies and support, parents are encouraged to visit Celebrate Calm and explore their range of programs designed to handle challenging behaviors and foster a peaceful family environment.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements and non-content sections to focus solely on the valuable parenting insights shared by Kirk Martin.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

So do you have a child who comes in the kitchen in the morning or greets you when you get home in the afternoon? Does demanding something or they've got this single minded focus that they're going to do something and they don't walk in and ask, they just start doing it. So you rightfully and reasonably say no to their request and then it sets off a huge power struggle, meltdowns, constant arguing, throwing things, throwing words around. So how can you handle these situations without losing your mind or your your relationship? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] Two quick notes. We are still enjoying our son's wedding and extended family time, so I'm going to ask you to wait another week before emailing about specific issues you're encountering. And here's an unexpected benefit to that. Just last night a couple from the Netherlands emailed and said, hey, we're thinking about emailing you about these two issues, but instead we listened to the Stop Sibling Fights and Stop Battles over Screens programs. Those are two of the programs in the package that you get and ask what would the calm guy do? And they said, I'm happy to tell you we figured it out ourselves and it's working. Look that's the coolest part of this. I want to give you, I want to equip you, I want to empower you. I hate that word. I want to give you tools so that you can internalize this. And I can tell you, as you listen to the programs on the app and you get it inside of you, your tone of voice, how you see situations, it begins to become more automatic, more natural. Your response, all the scripts start to add up. And so what's really cool is now you feel confident. This couple feels confident. Like, hey, we handled that. We applied the principles. So they ended the email and said we would say it's like falling with your nose in the butter. And I guess that's a Dutch phrase for it was an unexpected surprise. So to our Dutch friends out there, badunkt. And this episode is dedicated to Carmine. Carmine is an amazing young man who listens to the podcast with his dad before bedtime. Hey, Carmine, thanks for listening. You've got a great future ahead of you and I'm proud to know you. You're listening. So here's some insight into your strong willed kids. These are kids with busy brains who are often visual and they get excited about their ideas. Look, think about this. They begin, they wake up, they picture something in their brains and now they've got a mission, they've got a vision, and they want to carry that out. That is going to serve them so well in life. It is also going to cause endless power struggles with parents and teachers because their ideas are going to come into conflict with what you and teachers want them to do each day. And if you, look, if you can teach your kids to craft their lives correctly, they'll get to pursue their curiosity more often than they just have to simply follow the dictates of others. And I know it's a balance, but this is the way your kids are made. So be intentional about this. You're not going to change their nature, but you can teach them to be patient, to be selfless, to be responsible. And we're going to get into that. It's really cool. I'm excited about this podcast. So let's say your child wakes up and already has an agenda. And this is an example from a family I was working with and their son geeks out on doing new things. And like many of our kids, this child likes doing adult type activities. Do not dismiss or ignore this insight. That trait, use it to your advantage. Your kids are often not that awesome at being a kid. They're not that great at navigating the Kid world. The really good news is we're not raising our kids to be kids. We're raising them to be adults. And these kids actually happen to be very good in the adult world. It just means you're gonna have to shift your perspective. So use that to your advantage. So here's a common situation you can plug in your own, but let me use this because it's a good one. So in this case, their son wanted to come downstairs intent on making coffee. And that's not that weird. Casey drank coffee from a young age. It actually calmed him down and actually helped him focus brain stimulation. So child comes in and intent on making coffee. Now, you as the mom or dad, have 13 good reasons that your son should not make coffee then. And all of your reasons are understandable, they're reasonable, and you're not being wrong at all. We've talked about this, haven't we? It's not that you're doing anything wrong. That's what makes it so difficult with a strong willed child. Because the things that work on your compliant, everyday other kids, they. They backfire on this child. So you're not being wrong. But it's also true that sometimes we as parents get in the habit of reflexively saying no to our kids. And isn't that ironic given that our strong will kids reflexively say no to things that we ask them to do. So this week, I want you to catch yourself thinking, think for a couple seconds and then find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries. Look, there's nothing wrong with saying no to your child. In fact, if you go through our programs, I'll actively show you how and when to say no. Because it is very important as a way to teach your child how to handle the inevitable disappointments in life. It's important to learn how to say no. It's important for you to know, especially young moms and dads, that it's okay that your kids are mad at you sometimes because that just means you're being not a strict parent, a responsible parent, because you know what's best for them. But in most of these cases, here's what I want you to do. And I want you to practice that this coming week, find something you can say yes to within your boundaries. It may not be exactly what your child is wanting or demanding, but I want you to find a way to say yes. And when I was talking to these parents, what hit me was this. This kid is coming downstairs and his brain is firing on all cylinders. He woke up, got that vision in his brain and wanted to carry it out. He's got an agenda, he's got a mission to complete. So what I wanted them to do this first thing every morning, give his brain a win. And I know that's a weird phrase, but it's important to create successes, to get positive momentum and feed that brain in very healthy ways. And look, I know this is hard for some of you because your kids brains work differently than yours do and so we often misjudge their motives. And if you do get our programs, go through the Stop the power struggles. Stop power struggles With a strong willed child. It is foundational to understanding how do their brains work. Because otherwise we're going to label them all the time as they're defiant, they're disobedient, they're rebellious. And sometimes they are, but usually it's something else. And look, I know this is hard because your kids don't come into the kitchen or greet you after work and say mother, father, thank you for providing all of these opportunities for us that you never had. May I please make some coffee? May I please do X now I'd appreciate it if you'd let me. They're not going to do that. They just head straight to the coffee pot and they begin doing their thing, they begin getting into stuff and in your head you're like, dude, you don't even know what you're doing. What are you doing? There's a way to do this. Why don't you ask me? If you would just ask me, I would help you out. Or you just go right to your no. But they just head for it and they start doing it and they're relentless and they wear you down. And when you try to explain rationally why they can't make coffee this morning, it just triggers a big fight. And then they ask why? And then. Or they'll just ignore you. And then you're going to be tempted to respond with your own tone. You know what? I said no. Did you not hear me? Listen, there are times when you can and then you trail off into some useless lecture. But tomorrow I want you to use this process instead. Or maybe this afternoon. Check your own anxiety, check your own control issues, check your own triggers and then do this. Number one, say yes to the idea and concept first by affirming something positive. You know what? I think making coffee is a great idea. Now do you really? No. Because you know he's going to leave a big mess and you just don't want to have to deal with that this morning You've got other stuff that needs to go on, and you don't have time with all your kids to get all this done. But this isn't some moral issue. It's just a preference. So you bite your tongue and you hear yourself adding this. You know what? I actually think it's pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. Ooh, see, that's a shift, because here's what our real thoughts are. Great, you're motivated to make coffee, a grown up thing. But I can't even get you to put your dishes in the sink, take out the trash, or do one assignment in school. I get that. But this is what we're doing here. This is what we're about, is shifting your perspective with this child. Because the traditional perspective will not ever work. It'll ruin relationships, and you won't get them to behave anyway. So watch how cool that is. You know what? I think it's actually pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. Number two, then say yes to him making coffee, but add a challenge. Make it more grown up. Hey, could you make me a cup? In fact, I've got an idea. Could you look up some different recipes with some healthy spices you could begin adding to our coffee, like ginger or turmeric. See, instead of the immediate shutdown and ensuing power struggle, you're now engaging him and giving him a challenge.

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[Kirk Martin]

But here's your question. Aren't you just giving in? You could make that argument, but I would make the argument that we make these decisions every single day in our interactions with others and ourselves. Look, I compromise. I compromise with myself daily at the gym when I choose an easier workout over a tougher one. But I still worked out. I do it daily with my family and friends. I put aside what I want or what is most comfortable to me and I compromise to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me into resentment. See, if you're always compromising and always doing everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself moms, if you're always doing that because you learn that from your mom, it's generational pattern you need to break. Otherwise you're just going to be resentmentful. After all I do for you. See, if you're doing that, that's not healthy. So you compromise to the degree and you could call. You don't have to call it compromise. You could call it being selfless because that's one of our core things is I want to be selfless and I want to put others before me. Right? But I do that to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me into resentment. Are you giving in to your spouse or friends when you agree to meet halfway or change your mind or put their preferences between above yours? No. So but we have this idea sometimes with the parent child relationship that it's different. Like it's some dictatorship in which the authority figures primary purpose is to wield ultimate executive power in some insecure bid for power and to train his or her subject to learn how to obey. Look, much of that that we have comes from these misconceptions that we have. This upbringing in which authoritarian parents merely pass down law based religious conceptions. Some of you have that deep inside of you. I sure did. But I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because I have his best interests at heart. Because we've built a trusting relationship. I don't need him to carry out my arbitrary wishes or do things out of obligation because I'm the authority figure in the home. I want him to do these things because out of the generosity of his heart this is reciprocated. Because hopefully this has been molded and modeled by his mom and dad by how we treat him and others in the world. So out of that, our child, your child, reciprocates with selfless acts and kindness because he wants to, not because he has to. Not out of obligation or out of fear. So I encourage you wrestle with these ideas of what a good authority figure is. Because in my life what I found is good authority figures are patient and they walk alongside me. Look, they don't let me get away with my BS and they challenge me, but they walk alongside me and show me how to do that instead of just demanding it from above. Okay, so back to our example. You and your kids, look, you and your kids are not equals when it comes to decision making power. You have the ultimate authority. You can say no whenever you want and that's completely fine. But I want to encourage you because you are the one with power, to exercise it with humility. Especially with the strong willed kids. Again, not giving in. We don't have to be permissive, but I also don't have to go. I'm the authority figure. I told you to do it. Your job is to obey. In between there is a trusting relationship. So in this situation, give your child's brain a win, create a success. Number three, give your child some ownership. You know, if you listen to our programs, we talk all the time about giving your kids ownership of their choices within your boundaries. It's really powerful. So maybe you say, hey, why don't you become the barista of our home? You're giving your child some ownership of this task and asking him to assume a more adult, like more Responsible position. See, this is what I'm really after. I don't want your kids just to do what you tell them to do all the time. That's fine. But then I'm setting them up for a life in which their job is to go through life just doing things that they're supposed to do. I wanted to raise a responsible child. I want more responsibility. So let me keep going with this. Let me repeat that. You're giving your child ownership of the task and you're actually asking your child to assume a more adult, like more responsible position. Now number four, I affirm again, hey, that's really cool. You know, why don't you be in charge of this every morning? And actually I'm going to give you a challenge. Maybe you could come up with some different recipes and maybe once a week you could cook a meal for us because I think you make an excellent chef. See, you're lifting your child up now and expecting more of your child. See, in saying no all the time, you're just asking your child to be obedient to your wishes. But we're actually asking something greater of your child to, to learn to be more responsible. To use his or her gifts, talents and passions and desires to do something constructive for the family. They're going to struggle to do their chores, but they'll often, if you change that around and you're like, hey, cooking a meal for us once a week, awesome. That's teaching you to be responsible, which is what we're after. It's a lot better than just having you do some little choreography. So I'd rather I mentioned this before and you're really going to have to wrestle with this. Moms and dads. I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. An obedient child merely carries out instructions. A responsible child must think, use his or her gifts creatively and serve a higher purpose. And that's a critical paradigm shift. I can tell you with a grown son, the reason he is so good at what he does because both with Celebrate Calm and his other full time job, is that he's extremely responsible. He's very good in the adult world. So instead, watch what happens with this. Instead of just complaining to your spouse, to friends, to yourself that your child is disobedient to your largely arbitrary wishes. Instead, watch. You begin to change the narrative in your heart and in your child's head and heart to this. I have a child who is responsible and capable of doing adult type jobs. And that is going to make my Child wildly successful in the real world. See the difference? He never listens to anything I say. She doesn't follow through on things. He doesn't do his chores. Why can't they ever do that? Instead, my narrative is, man, I give my child a challenge and this child steps up and takes ownership of it. And now I don't even have to worry about it because they're hugely responsible when they're doing these things. My child's going to kill it in the adult world because Otherwise we spend 18 years trying to get them to care about what we care about and try to be good at being a kid and good at doing schoolwork all the time. And we crush their confidence. We kill their confidence. Instead, I look out to the future and say, man, this is going to serve you well in the real world. Now here's number five. And this is going to be tough for you. Know that your child in this situation is going to leave little droplets of coffee and cream and spill sugar and leave little wrappers on the counter and he's not going to clean up the right way. And I can say that with pretty much 100% certainty. So what's your response to this? One of two things. One, you could go a little bit more even matter of firm fact, say, hey, no more barista job and definitely no tip until you learn how to clean up. Look, I'm perfectly fine with that. What I don't like is, you know what, if you're not going to learn how to clean up, you're not going to get to do coffee anymore. See, it's that snotty tone. It's that endless lecture. You know, we need, we really need to learn how to clean up around here. Because if you don't learn, stop all the lectures. Talk to them like adults. Look how quick that, hey, just, just want you to know, love what you're doing. Love the barista. Fantastic. You're doing grown up things. You're responsible. But look, no more barista job and definitely no tip. Because I kind of like in this situation, occasionally if they go above and beyond leaving like a little tip of some kind, hey, no tip until you learn how to clean up. I like that a lot. I would try that. Look, some of your kids, they just don't clean up and they're not. And so you can say, oh, you're letting them get away with it, but you've tried to make them do it 87 times and they just don't. And in that case, I just put some music on, I smile you savor your coffee while you're cleaning up next to your child, smiling and having a conversation and telling them how much you love their coffee and giving a vision for their lives of all the other responsible things they could begin doing. Now, I know this is not the way you always pictured your home running. This isn't how you pictured your child behaving. Because some of you grew up in these really rigid homes. It's like, well, I'm just going to tell them what to do and they're just going to do it. And then you had a strong willed child and they brought out all of your immaturity and your triggers so you can work on it and grow up and be free from all these traps. But that's. But look, this, what I'm talking about, this is the reality. This is the child you've been given. And watch what you just did here, which is cool. You took what was a certain power struggle, right? That you. Look, nobody wins in a power struggle. It always results in tears and strained relationships. And you turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety and you paused for a minute and you found a way to say yes to something. So this week I want you to think of some common situations in your home in which you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time, begin to rethink those situations and think, how can we be creative? How can we get to yes to something? How can we encourage our kids to use his or her gifts and become more responsible all within our acceptable boundaries? Just make sure your boundaries are big enough. Don't be so rigid. Watch your child's expression when you say, you know, I usually say no to that, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. See, I actually believe you can do this really well. And you could even add this. You know what, I wonder if you could even do this better than I can do it. See, now that's motivating. And I know this stuff isn't easy. I understand I'm challenging many of your most deeply held beliefs and assumptions about parenting. So I appreciate you wrestling with these ideas. Look, I like to laugh and be light hearted, but the stakes are high here because if we keep picking these power struggles, this will destroy relationships and lives for decades with serious fallout. So it's important that you really wrestle with these ideas. And I'm going to ask you to do this for a few weeks, do it for a month, See how it works. See how your child responds. You're going to be uncomfortable and you're going to question yourself, Right? And every good family is going to say, are we letting our child get away with things? But they don't do X and Y. But they do these things, and other people are going to judge you. And that's normal. And it's good to wrestle. And I encourage you. Keep listening to the podcast. Keep. If you have the programs, download them to your app. To the app, tell us. We'll share it with your spouse. We'll share the programs with your parents. So everybody's on the same page. Let your kids listen. Look what Carmine is listening. This podcast. Let them listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program. Because Casey, our son, will encourage him and challenge him. Hey, you got to learn how to control yourself. Because if you learn how to control yourself, your parents don't have to. It's really cool. If you need some help, if you need help with the products or financial assistance, reach out to us at kccaselebratecolm. Com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being open to a different way, and thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye.