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Calm Parenting Podcast
Help For Homeschoolers Part I: 10 Secrets to Success
00:23:42
If you are homeschooling a strong-willed child, you ARE going to experience constant pushback and resistance. How can you keep from being resentful and worn out while giving your kids tools to complete their schoolwork more quickly? Kirk provides almost 25 different tips in this two-part series that is a must-listen for homeschooling families. Please share with others and learn more at CelebrateCalm.com.
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
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After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. So please support the Calm parenting podcast and tell them we sent you. So did you have these grand dreams of homeschooling your children, making their curriculum fun and interesting, enjoying a flexible skill schedule, not getting calls from the school anymore about your strong willed child? And then you discovered it's really hard. Well, good. That means you're not alone. You should be struggling and we want to help you. So that is what we're going to discuss on this first of two special bonus episodes of the Calm Parenting podcast for homeschoolers. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com so many of you had these grand dreams of how homeschooling would go. No rigid school classrooms and curriculum, not too many worksheets. You're going to create your own curriculum that's fun and experiential for your kinesthetic learners. You let your kids sleep in a little bit and surely they'll be grateful for the cool gig they have outside of that school prison. And then your strong willed child comes reluctantly dragging down the stairs and proceeds to whine, pout, negotiate, negotiate and resist literally everything you try and you try to reason with that child. Nope, won't work. You threaten to cancel Christmas like the Grinch, but your child doesn't care because they know you won't do it. You try bribery, you cut their schoolwork in half, there's still resistance and power struggles and you end up yelling at your child. Your child feels more exasperated and everyone is frustrated. You feel guilty and at your wits end. Then you feel resentful because of all the sacrifices you're making. And the least your child could do is be grateful for the fun days you have planned. And then you start questioning yourself, right, did I make a mistake? What if I can't homeschool this kid as well as the schools can educate him or her? What have I got myself into? And it can cause conflict between spouses. And look, here's a quick note. I know there are a lot of dads who now homeschool their kids. I've met you at homeschool conferences and that's awesome. But I will make references most of the time to mom's homeschooling because that's the most common dynamic that's happening. But it's not the only one. So please just roll with me on that because there's often pressure from the other spouse, you know, usually it's the husband. And so you feel like you have to accomplish a certain amount of work to justify homeschooling and giving up your job and to pay for this. And it's hard to afford doing this on one income. So many of you have like me, I was type A kind of guy and I want to know like, how's the homeschooling day going? What are you, what are you learning? What are you teaching him? And now you feel extra pressure, not to mention the pressure you feel from family who often thinks you're Weird from friends who whose kids are thriving in regular schools and even from yourself because you don't want to admit failure. So for some of us, you lie and you say it's going well and you've got a lot done and inside you're torn apart by this. Are you alone? Is this you? Absolutely not. This is normal for parents of bright, strong willed kids who simply want to explore and be curious or literally do nothing. And we know this from personal experience with Casey. Sometimes there were months where we literally got nothing official done, but we were always learning. So here are some ideas to help you as the parent. And in the next special episode of the podcast, I'll share more ideas for your kids. Some are weird and unconventional, but make sure you do those because the weird one weird ideas work best with these kids. So look, our experience very quickly. We did every kind of schooling possible. Public school, private school, Montessori school, and then we homeschooled for a period of time. Casey was our guinea pig at this and there was a period of time where we actually kind of homeschooled other people's kids. We had 1500 kids who came into our home over the course of a decade and we worked with almost a million families. We speak at a lot of the major homeschool conventions. So I hope what you find is this is realistic. I want it to be practical and helpful. So number one, you're going to struggle. You just are. It's normal and it's okay. The strong willed child will not want to do his or her work. You can count on that. You can expect pushback every single day. Stop waiting for or hoping that your strong willed child is going to want to do schoolwork or be grateful to you. It's not going to happen till they're like 28 and it will come. Number two, you are not doing anything wrong. You're not failing your child or your family. You're a good mom, you're a good dad. It's just hard. Stop blaming yourself for second guessing whether you are qualified to do this. No one is and everybody is. Number three, you may have to teach each of your kids differently, just like you have to raise them according to their natural bent, the way they should go. You have a child whose brain works in different ways, who absorbs information differently, who learns differently, and who is motivated by different things than you are. It's exhausting, but it's normal. Number four, get on the same page with your spouse regarding discipline and your goals for homeschooling, especially with the strong willed child because you and your spouse are going to disagree, and that's normal. One parent, usually one who isn't as responsible for every daily activity with the kids, is going to think the other one, oh, you're just being too soft. You're letting him or her get away with things. You're just coddling that child. You just need to be tougher. Of course. And that other spouse is going to say, oh, yeah, well, you're too rigid and harsh. Look, you just can't be at cross purposes. Men. You would hate it if you had two foremans or who two managers at work who were both giving you conflicting directions and goals. It's simply untenable for a mom to have to manage the emotions of the kids all day long, hour after hour, and then have her husband come home and yell at the kids or be grumpy because the house is a mess. And see, now your wife has to manage your emotions and that will defeat literally everything you were setting about to do with homeschooling your kids. If the two adults can't even agree or get along, how can you expect siblings to handle differences? If you can't control yourself, how can you expect these strong will kids to control themselves? I encourage you go through listen to these podcasts. We have 400 free episodes of the podcast. Listen with your wife or listen separately, but then talk through them. Okay, go through that. And if you want, I'd encourage you dig into our programs because they'll help you get on the same page and understand the strong will child on a deep level. Because if you don't, it will cost you your family. And I'll just say this for the guys. I only ask you to listen to two of our programs. You get 14 of them in the package, but two, there's one specifically for dads where I talk to dads very directly. It's very concise, very practical. Here's what you do. And then there's another one on understanding your strong willed child. You listen those two and your wife will devour the other 12. Okay? And listen to her. She's very smart. Number five, have a backup plan when the day isn't going well. Look, you know those mornings when you wake up and everyone and everything just feels kind of off? Well, I want you to trust your inner voice on those days and don't try to force it or you'll still be pleading and yelling at 11:45am Guys, I try to make everything fun here. You got to get with a program. Come on, let's go. I'd rather you recognize that everyone just needs a break that day or you just don't have the patience that day. So you go to your backup plan, which may be spreading a blanket on the floor or the back in the backyard, turning off the lights in the living room and just lying there together, where you go outside to have a play day and have fun. Enjoy your time as a family. Look, tomorrow or next week is a fine day to start back again. And there were some times where we went weeks without accomplishing anything tangible. But we did learn and explore and be curious during those down times. And we actually enjoyed being together as a family, which is kind of the goal anyway. So come up with your backup plan. Number six, do not compare yourself to other homeschoolers. They lie. I'm kind of kidding. They don't get everything done. They say they do. Most people pretend because they're all in the same boat as you and they still falsely they're comparing their work day to what kids do at regular school. And you don't get as much done as they do in their regular school. So you kind of have to justify it by saying, oh, we do X and Y. Don't fall into that trap. Don't do that mindset and find friends who have kids that are way more strong willed, difficult than yours. Number seven, do not try to replicate the regular school day. This slowly begins to happen over time. Because, look, I get the appeal of regular school. There's structure to the regular school day and that's comforting and the only thing you know to compare to. But get comfortable with the unknowns, with the doubts, the questions. Keep your eyes on the bigger picture. What are you really after? The goal we had written on our refrigerator in all caps is this. We want a curious child who loves to learn. Everything else became secondary to that mission if it didn't serve that mission right. You want curious kids who love to learn? Then we discarded it because that's the prudent thing to do.
- [12:52]
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- [13:25]
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- [13:51]
Kirk Martin
Restrictions may apply okay, number eight please understand that you'll never feel like you're doing enough. And that nagging thought doesn't go away easily. And so there's a very common dynamic that happens is that the parent who stays home to homeschool battles with kids all day long. The spouse who goes to work has a hard job, but it doesn't involve co workers literally saying no all day, crying, whining and throwing themselves on the floor. So being a homeschool parent, and in this case I'm just going to make it the mom because it's easier being a homeschool parent. Being a mom is brutally hard. See, homeschooling parents have almost no way to measure success in a concrete way. How do you know if your kids are learning enough or completing enough work? Right? You never feel like you're doing enough or doing a good enough job. It can be a deeply unsatisfying job inside. But sometimes the homeschooling parent has to put on the happy face because we're doing the right thing. But that can take its toll. See, the parent who's working outside the home has very clear metrics for accomplishment and success. There are projects and jobs completed on time, recognition from others, an internal sense of pride, a performance review, and a raise. See, at work, the working parent is usually using his or her specific gifts and talents in a field of his choosing. I'm just going to make it to dad. So the dad, he's an engineer, a project manager, a doctor, a lawyer, a mechanic, a skilled tradesman, an executive. He's naturally good at doing what he does, and that breeds some measure of satisfaction. But virtually no one is born with a gift to homeschool. A child who doesn't want to be schooled right. Even retired trained teachers struggle to teach strong willed kids. And some homeschooling moms give up a satisfying career to stay home and school the kids. The point is that most of us are unaware how difficult this can be for the parent who stays home and homeschool. So be aware of that. Number nine Take care of yourself and make your own time and needs a priority or you will quickly get consumed under the tidal wave of all your responsibilities to teach, cook, clean, run your kids to extracurriculars and doctor's appointments. It can be enormously stressful and you'll find you don't get any time for yourself and this will make you burn out and feel resentful. So I don't want you from early on getting overwhelmed like this. Instead, I want you to establish your own independence and that your time and your needs are important. So we call this the 10:47am and 2:19pm rule. Those are arbitrary times of the day I made up. Here's the idea. I want you to tell your kids something like this every day at 10:47am and 2:19pm These are my times of the day when I want and expect the following. I am going to sit and read a book or call my mother or talk to a friend for 17 minutes exactly. I may go to my bedroom and just rest. I may lay on the sofa and read. I may exercise, take a quick shower. And during this time, you will respect my time and my needs. How? By being quiet in the house, by not fighting with your siblings, by not yelling or asking me for anything. It's two times per day for a total of 34 minutes. Why? Because this is you respecting me as I respect you all day long. Because this is called self respect and I want you to learn this skill as you get older so that people respect you and your time. See, my needs are just as important as yours. And if you've noticed, I pretty much revolve my entire life and day around feeding you, clothing you, teaching you, taking you to play dates, caring for you, physically, making sure you have a happy childhood. And that takes a lot of work. But it's never healthy in life to always be giving out to others without taking care of your own physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs. See, now that's long. I don't want you to give that long lecture to your kids. But over time I want you to teach your kids that principle. By the way, I use interesting time limits like 17 minutes, 2:19pm because specificity is grounding. It means that you mean business. It's not like, well, I just want five minutes to myself. Well, five minutes, I don't know. That could be three minutes or like three days. So I like the specificity of it. So don't mess with my alone time. It's important. I want you to send that message and I want you to be ruthless in enforcing this as a tradition. You can do variations like, hey, if you interrupt me, we start the time over. Instead of 17 minutes, I'm going to do 34 minutes each time and have your spouse back you up on this. And look, if you have toddlers, you can't just leave them alone. But I still want you to begin practicing, even taking seven minutes for yourself. But let's really, really start this from an early age, okay? Number 10. I'm just going to address this to dads. You have to be involved. Look, life and family and homeschooling is not going to work if you're always working, if you're always on trips all the time, leaving your wife to basically raise your kids alone. It won't work if you escalate situations like I used to do all the time so that she has to manage your emotions for you. Or if you're constantly correcting your kids over things that irritate you instead of showing and teaching them a different way instead of building them up. And you've got to be that calm, confident leader who brings calm and peace into your home when you walk through the door. And look, listen, we have so many podcasts on that of how to de escalate yourself situations, otherwise your wife will be exhausted. I'd encourage you do a couple school subjects with your kids, maybe in the evening or in the morning before you go to work, because you've got a fresh voice that hasn't been asking your kids to do 47 things that day. Eat your breakfast. Clean the dishes. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Get your shoes on. Do your worksheets. Come inside. Leave your brother alone. Stop letting the dog out. Wash your hands. Revisit. Revise that worksheet. Get your math book out. Get ready for lunch. Eat your lunch. Use your napkins. Stop stealing your sister's food. Throw your trash away. Practice piano. Do your reading. Give your sister a doll back. Turn off your screens. Get ready. We have to go to the doctor's office. Yes, you do have to go. No, you can't stay here alone because we're a family. That's not nice to say to your brother. Get your shoes on. No, you can't wear that outside. And look, that only gets you to about noon. It's exhausting. But see, as a guy, I would roll in after work and I didn't have to do all those 430 things and I had a fresh voice so I could come home and I could teach from a calm, non frustrated place. But if you come home and yell, you have no idea how demoralizing that is to your wife and kids. They need you to be the calm in the storm storm. So learn how to control yourself and your emotions. I'd also encourage you never ask your wife how the homeschooling day went because then she's going to be forced to lie and tell you all the things she did just to justify staying home and feeling like she's not a failure. So every day tell your wife or your husband, whoever the homeschooling parent is. I'm so grateful. I'm married to an amazing person who holds our family together and allows me to focus on work because I know my kids are in the best hands on the planet. See, when you come home, give your spouse a break for 15 minutes, for 30 minutes, for an hour. And one night a week you've got to handle dinner time, bath time and bedtime while your spouse goes out with a friend or just to be alone with a by themselves to just like relax. So do that for your spouse, okay? Otherwise your spouse will be resentful and exhausted. So let's do those things. And now next week I'm going to go over different ways to stimulate your kids brain so they can actually do their schoolwork in a better way. Look, we this first one was focused on his parents. Why? Because so much of parenting and homeschooling is simply about the parents and I want that to be your focus this coming week. Work on these things and next week we'll get into kids helping kids with ideas. Share this podcast with others. We have a special discount on our programs for homeschooling families@celebratecalm.com homeschool if you need help, just reach out to Casey and we will help you out because we respect what you're doing. All right, love you all. Talk to you later. Bye.