← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Calm Parenting Host
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Calm Parenting Host
So I usually don't begin the podcast this way, but this was so powerful. I just got an email from a dad who said hey, I listened to that last episode building a child's confidence in the specific praise. So I started doing that with my son and really noticing the things that he does well, making little comments. And the other night my wife was tucking him into bed and he said mom, it feels really good like dad likes me. And that just about crushed me. And so dad moms, thank you for working so hard at this. This makes a big difference and I appreciate you wrestling with these issues. And there's no blame or guilt ever. This all comes from my own experience nearly ruining my relationship with our strong willed son. So I appreciate how hard you're working like that. And last time we discussed four ways to build your child's confidence which will have ripple effects on sibling issues, how they feel about themselves in school. Because confident kids who feel good about themselves, they don't pick on siblings as much. They feel no need to lie, make up things, make excuses, and they're just generally more balanced in life. And we talked about accepting your kids on a deep level, firming with specifics like this dad did, creating a positive vision of their lives and then asking them to help you using their unique gifts. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you Four more tools, including my favorite one. So number five, get kids using their unique gifts, talents and passions. And I want to warn you to be aware of a common dynamic that happens with our strong willed, neurodivergent kids. We love them and we want so badly for them to be happy and successful in life. And so we become well aware of their weaknesses or deficiencies pretty early in life, especially when they start school. And then we develop this tunnel vision in which we spend 80% of our energy trying to fix all their weaknesses. And the danger is twofold. Number one, we spend way too much energy trying to fix many things that just don't need to be fixed and the child will become demoralized and internalize that something is wrong with them. And the second danger is because we're spending so much time trying to fix our kids and all of their weaknesses, their natural gifts begin to atrophy because they never used. Look, every single human being on the planet has a set of weaknesses and strengths. And the real trick in life is to spend most of your time cultivating and using your strengths while developing tools to mitigate your weaknesses. Your success in life is dependent on the degree to which you use your natural gifts to help others. It was interesting. I was listening to one of my favorite sports podcasts last night and this analyst who's been studying film on football for 45 years said this exact same thing. When you have your quarterback, your goal is not to fix all the things that he's doing wrong, because you can't. The trick is to play to their strengths on the field and in doing so you will mitigate lots of their weaknesses. But you spend most of your energy around cultivating their strengths. So I would purposefully put extra energy into getting your strong willed kids to do just one constructive activity this week. Just one. Preferably helping another adult do something just to get them moving in a positive direction, connected to others and feeling needed or helpful. Because this often sparks internal motivation, which is what we're after. External motivation with these kids just doesn't work. You know, that's so look, feeling like you have something to give to or help another human being or an animal, because some of your kids are great with animals, will combat lethargy, anxiety and oftentimes even depression to a degree. So think mission and mentor. What are your kids naturally good at doing? What are they curious about? What have others recognized in your kids? Find an opportunity to use your kids particular gift, talents and passions through special projects. Starting their own business service projects. Ask another adult to approach your child and said, hey, devonte, I have heard that you are really good at doing X and I could use some help with a project. I need you to come to my shop, my house, my classroom to help me make sure it's safe. Of course, it doesn't matter if it's walking dogs in the neighborhood, helping an elderly neighbor with a project, doing some kind of job down at the boxing gym or gymnastics place or hockey rink like our son did, helping a teacher with a special project. Let's try to get one win by using this process. It can't be your idea because you're like, oh honey, I think it would be a great idea. I'm out, right? But if another adult comes and says, man, I could really use your help because I've seen how good you are at doing X. Your kids like helping another adult, so have it come from them. Because having a mentor, mentors can encourage your kids and hold them accountable in ways that you can't. Older people are phenomenal for this. I've done this with so many kids where we got them a little internship, just going after school one day a week to help an architect or a veterinarian. And an architect and veterinarian can say, look, you've got a gift. I can see you doing this one day. But look, you're not coming to help me if you're picking on siblings, not listening to your mom, and you're not keeping a B average. See, they'll listen to other people if they have something they care about. I've done this example before. I love this one of like there's a 12 year old girl with a bad attitude, always wearing the hoodie sweatshirt. And the parents were like, well, what consequences can we give her to not have a bad attitude and start doing better in school? Well, none, because you can't consequence a kid into being internally motivated and feeling good about themselves. So always ask, what are your kids good at? What do they love? Well, this girl Rebecca, she was really good with younger kids and she loves soccer. So I was like, mom, dad, go find a soccer coach in your community. Have them reach out and say, hey Rebecca, I've heard you're really good with kids, love soccer. I get a little bit overwhelmed. I've got all these kids I'm trying to teach soccer to. Could you come out on Tuesday night? Rebecca goes out on a Tuesday night. Guess what? She is there in her element. At the end of practice, 12 little girls give her a hug because little girls always look up to the older girls. Coach says, hey, you're really good at this. Saturday morning we have a game. Will you come help me coach the kids? Rebecca goes out, loves it. She's alive. You've seen this with your kids. You put them in the right circumstance and they come alive. They're conscientious, they're responsible, they work hard. All of those traits that you want them to show for schoolwork and chores, they won't do it there, but they will do it in this other area. And it helps you see them differently and see themselves differently. And in this case, two sets of parents came up and said, hey, Rebecca, we don't really know you, but our daughter just talks about you all the time. They're struggling in school. Would you mind tutoring our daughters not knowing? Rebecca has not done schoolwork in years, but now she has a reason to do schoolwork and be motivated because this is something she cares about, something she's good at. Put some time and energy into that. It's really important. Number six, give your kids adult jobs and motivate them with chicken nuggets. Here's why I've said this before on the podcast. Our kids are not always that good in the kid world, but when you let them do adult type jobs and give them more responsibility, they often do things really well and crush it. See, I want a responsible kid, not just an obedient kid who cares, carries out a lot of tasks. So here's a common question. Can you make my child care more about school? No. And neither can you or anyone else, at least not directly. Motivation has to come from within, especially kids like ours who are very independent, strong willed. So when parents ask us to help an apathetic child, they want us to get their child actively interested in studying, doing homework, improving their grades. But I never ever begin with school issues, ever. School is important to us as parents, and it is often our anxiety about school issues that drives our kids away from academics. We could do a whole podcast on how our anxiety and all that pressure around getting them to think and work like we do actually has the exact opposite effect on our kids. So you've got to ignite that internal fire and find what is important to them. So here's an example. Finding a larger purpose so you can create a success mindset. See, that will ultimately bring confidence and that that will often spill over into school in time. So a mom emailed and said, look, when my son listens to your programs, because I love strong will kids and neurodivergent kids listening to our programs on that app because they will get it. We're talking about them describing their brains and how they work, and they feel very understood. So this mom said, my son listened to your programs about finding a larger purpose, and it hit him like a ton of bricks. And from that day on, he began working on a project secretly. And one day, his science teacher asked me to call her. They'd been studying different childhood diseases and the struggles some kids face. And apparently someone had asked about the Ronald McDonald House. And that piqued my son's interest because of his fondness for McDonald's chicken nuggets. Now, this is my son. He's got trouble focusing on schoolwork. He has his own seat in the principal's office. Not always great at behavior, but that same kid got all the kids in class to sell something important to them and raise money for the Ronald McDonald House. Our son raised over $450 all by himself. And his teacher was dumbfounded because here he is in class, won't do anything, but here he is organizing, leading, being conscientious, understanding math, all those things. And that's when I noticed that his favorite Legos were gone. He had sold them to raise money for the sick kids. And the mom wrote, I'm sitting here crying right now, thinking how hard I pushed that kid, how much I yell at him. Yet you are right. He has a huge heart, and he can be successful when he cares. And she added this look. Is he getting all A's in school now? No. But his attitude is different. You know what else changed? The way his teachers and classmates look at him. Because now he's not some bad, weird kid who's always in trouble. He's the kid who raised almost $500 for some children, sick children. He's not missing school like he used to, and he's not fighting me in the morning. Something is different. And it started with him finding his purpose. So we're now trying to do this as a family. And she ended by saying, thank you for the gift of getting my little boy back. And this works for little kids and older kids, teenagers, kids in their 20s. So, yes, chicken nuggets can be redeeming after all. So what motivates your child? It's not going to be what motivates you. Let your kids listen to this podcast, to the program by themselves, see what sparks their curiosity, and learn how to motivate your kids internally. It will stop a lot of the power struggles.
- [13:26]
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- [14:43]
Calm Parenting Host
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- [14:44]
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- [15:57]
Calm Parenting Host
Okay, number seven change the narrative in your own brain, change your words about your child, give your kids a new name and notice very few things have to do actually with your child. It's so much of how we see them controlling our anxiety because most of us fall into the trap of verbalizing the negative. Oh, my child is so sassy. They're so lazy, so stubborn. They won't push through. They leave messes everywhere. All of those things may in fact be true and accurate, but when this becomes the guiding narrative in Your brain and heart. You'll view everything they do through that prism. Every negative behavior will reinforce this prevailing narrative, and eventually your kids will internalize this narrative. And it's not motivating. Well, if I'm lazy, why bother trying now? Also realize that we're often very wrong and short sighted, and there's an opportunity cost. Look, most of our kids are not lazy. They simply aren't motivated right now. And those are two completely different things. So while your thoughts and words are consumed with the negative qualities that trigger you, you're no longer speaking the larger truth over your kids. So change the narrative. Look, in ancient times, authority figures would actually change a person's name to signify a change in vision, perspective, and kind of internal perception. Look, my favorite name change in history, because I'm a geek, was when William the Bastard. Great name. He was Duke of Normandy, but he invaded England in 1066 in the battle of Hastings. And guess what he was known after that? He was known as William the Conqueror. I bet he held his shoulders a little higher after that. And then, of course, we have the name change from Abram to Abraham to signify a new vision of who he was to become. So let's start changing that narrative. And even your child's name, so to speak. So instead of thinking, here comes my lazy kid who sits around in a hoodie sweatshirt, just leaves messes everywhere, doesn't fall, follow through, who argues all the time. You could say, hey, how's my. How's my junior Steve Jobs doing this morning? What kind of interesting ideas are coursing through your brain today? I love seeing that creative brain in action. Your eyes light up. You get super focused and energized to complete what you pictured in your brain. You're conscientious about doing it the way you want. Man, those are great qualities. Now, inside, you're like, oh, no. But he doesn't do that with his schoolwork, and he doesn't pick things up. I know that, but let's start with affirming what he's already doing. Well, you could walk into the kitchen one morning and greet your child with a new name. Hey, how's my Leonardo da Vinci today? What kind of amazing things is my amazing future architect thinking about? You could ask. Hey, which case does your accomplished attorney want to litigate with his amazing critical thinking skills today? Look, I know those are corny, but the point is, you can begin to see your child differently and frame their gifts and talents differently. You're creating a vision of who your child can Be not who he or she is right now. I did this with Casey all the time. Say, look, I know it can be overwhelming to be in middle school kind of stuck between being a little kid and a grown up. It's awkward. It's all new. But I'll tell you what I see. I see a young man who's a good thinker, who knows how to ask the right questions and lead, who isn't afraid to jump in, who does the right thing for people in the end. You've got a great future ahead of you, Casey. I can't wait to see it unfold Now. Is that the kid who he was right then? It wasn't what he was exhibiting in the kid world. But then I'd give his shoulder a little squeeze. I'd walk out of the room, and he told me, many years later, he would replay those words in his head over and over when he was having a rough day. So I began writing him short notes like this so he could read those words anytime. You know that kid you have who does the bare minimum to get by? I know that irritates you. It keeps you awake at night. Why won't they just do a little bit more? Apply themselves? They're capable of so much more. I get that. But the true perspective is this. I totally get why you do this. You know that grades are arbitrary and you refuse to be boxed in. You don't care about social acceptance or validation from grades right now. And so you calculate what you need to get on that test, that 78.4% average so you can keep your screens. Well, what that tells me is you have good critical thinking skills, that you're strategic and you know how to prioritize what is important to you. And one day, when you get a vision for your life, you're going to put all these skills together, you're going to crush it in the real world, and then you give a fist bump, walk away and drink. I'm kidding. I don't want you drinking. But I want you to have the larger perspective and not get caught up in all of this parental anxiety. Because it's not like pushing your kids all the time and lying to them. You have to do your best at everything because you don't and you can't. It's not like that's ever worked anyway. You're not giving your child an excuse to be lazy. You're saying, I see all those qualities. They're in there. They will come out. And sometimes, most times, when you step back from trying to control Your kids, when you step back, you give them space to step up and actually be responsible for themselves. So think about that this week. What narrative do you need to change about your child? What's their new name going to be? Okay, here's one of my favorite ideas. Number eight. I want you to create your own report card for your child. Most of us have kids who have come home, sometimes sheepishly, and shown us their report card. That usually includes grades and some commentary on their outward behavior. And look, this could be helpful, but it can also become destructive when not given any context because some kids will internalize that they're stupid or bad kids based on a report card. So I would encourage you to have a talk like this. Look, school values these traits, and we see that you're doing great in this area, but you're struggling with geometry. So I'm going to give you some tools so that you can do better. I'm kind of the same way at work, man. I kill it when it comes to creative ideas and vision. But following up on details, sometimes that's tough for me. But I've created a life report card for you because many of those skills required for school success are really only important when you're a kid. But I would much rather focus on the qualities necessary for success and happiness and good relationships in life in the adult world. So I began specifically recording, writing down throughout the semester all of Cayce's great qualities and good decisions he'd made so I could give him examples of times when he demonstrated skills and traits like problem solving, leadership, being assertive, having initiative, exercising self control, creativity, compassion, lots of energy, imagination, curiosity, persistence, and persuasion. See, that is what I really wanted to focus, focus on because those are all the qualities that are necessary for success in life. It's not about being able to sit still for seven hours a day. And I'll push back on you on this. Well, they need to learn how to follow directions. No, following directions is not the best way to learn. The best way to learn is actually to do, to take action steps, to try things. Because then you learn by doing and seeing how it worked, by adjusting how you do things. So I didn't want to reinforce all of these different skills that I knew he wasn't going to really need in the real world. And I would notice his face would beam when I would recall a specific instance in the neighborhood or with a neighbor or at home when he'd helped an elderly neighbor down the street or been persistent and conscientious or working his job as a Hockey referee. I'd even affirm him for his negotiating and arguing skills because he did advance logical, well thought out ideas. But I'd also coach him on how to do that more respectively and persuasively. So you could also create a family report card to emphasize what you value as a family. Back in the day, I created a report card for all the kids who came to camp over the years. I did this for my niece and nephew nephew on each of their birthdays. 14 reasons my niece Rocks. This does not mean you ignore their weaknesses, but no one does. That's what everybody picks out in life is their weaknesses. But see, when you focus on this, it will give them more strength and inspiration to overcome their weaknesses from a place of confidence. See, when you praise your child for his or her good choices and success successes, it changes the way you see them. It changes the way they see themselves. And you could even share your report card with your child's teachers in school to give them a more balanced view of your child. Your kids are going to love this. I guarantee you they will hang on to these report cards. They will look at this and read this and say, yeah, I know I'm not always good at doing X, Y and Z. It's school, but I'm really good at doing this. And it's concrete and specific and it will relieve your anxiety to see that your child can be wildly successful in the real world even if school is a struggle. So we've covered a lot of ground. You have your homework. Now let's begin building your child's confidence, giving them space to shine that will bleed over into every area of their life. If you do have our programs, share them with your kids. Let your kids listen to them, especially Casey's one and the one on the strong willed child. Let your own family members and even your child's teachers listen so everyone can be on the same page. And we will start to have a confident kid who crushes it. All right, moms and dads, I respect you very much. I love you. I appreciate how hard this is and if we can help you in any way, reach out to us. If you're struggling financially but still want our programs, even with the Black Friday sale, reach out to us. Don't be shy about that and Casey will help you out with that. Okay? Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thanks for working so hard at this. Love you all. Bye.