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The best price so one of the most challenging aspects of raising a child with PDA is how this impacts siblings and even your marriage and your family ecosystem. So I want to show you some helpful reframes in this episode of the PDA Parent Podcast. So welcome. This is Curk Martin, host of the Calm Parenting Podcast as well. So I'm glad you're here. This is an excerpt from the special Q and A section of the Confident Parents, Confident Kids PDA program. And one of the things I'm most excited about with this program is that it's interactive. Parents who get the program can ask me specific questions and I'll answer directly. And I'll keep adding to our library of content in the program. You never have to pay extra for that. It's like a living, breathing program that's constantly being updated with new insights and strategies as we all keep growing together as I share things that other parents like you have done with their kids. So you can download all 10 plus hours of the program now@celebratecalm.com and click on the PDA tab. So let's kick off this Q and A talking about how do we address this with siblings? Because obviously that's a huge pain point in all of our families. It's honestly, it's just not going to feel fair. It's going to feel like you're letting one kid get away with things while I have to follow the rules. And I'm trying to do my best to so very, very normal. And obviously we want to move the conversation from equality, which is everybody gets the exact same thing, toward equity. Well, everybody in our family gets what they need to be successful. So first step is always I'm just going to validate their frustration. Of course it doesn't feel fair. I'd be really frustrated. Here you are following all the family expectations, working really hard at that. And from the outside it looks like your brother or sister just gets to do whatever they want. Like here you're doing a chore and they're over here still building with their Legos and doing something different. I feel frustrated, too, honestly. You know what that is? It's just honesty. Yeah, you should. You should feel that you're not trying to talk them out of it. Trying to talk them into just like, understanding, just validate. I like reframing a lot, in case you can't tell, because it just helps with perspective. And most kids equate fair with, you know, identical. So instead I want to pivot to no. Fair means everybody gets what they need for their specific brain and body. So classic one is the glasses analogy. Hey, if I gave everyone in the family a pair of glasses, but only you actually needed them to see, would that be fair? No. Be a waste for us and a necessity for you. We give your brother different tools because his brain works differently. By the way, this is partly why I really love talking as a family openly at the dinner table. Just in the course of your daily life of being very open with, hey, everyone in our family. Mom, dad, brother, sister. I'll just do that because it keeps it easy. We all have our different strengths and weaknesses, and they complement each other. We're not all the same. We're all different. We have different needs at different times. And that way you're normalizing, because I love to normalize life. Throughout your life, you are going to find certain people given more things. Well, because maybe because of the way that they were born into the family that they were born into, the country they're born into. So because I have it better off, then I tend to respond. And I'm just talking about this. I'm not talking about lecturing your kids of, like, you know, maybe you could respond some with some gratitude and compassion. We'll get to that. But I'm not going there right now. And I wouldn't say it like that, but for me, it becomes okay, I'm grateful that I've had these advantages and now I am going to extend compassion. See, that's just normalizing. This is just how all of life is going to work, not just in our family. And then you do, like some people, like the caste comparison. Hey, if your sister broke her arm, I wouldn't make you wear a cast, just to be fair. She has a specific injury that needs a specific support. Your brother's nervous system responds to stress in a way that ours doesn't. So he needs a specific kind of support. I like that. Doesn't mean the other child's going to be like, oh, it makes it all better. And I Would give up that expectation that they're going to, like, see it your way. You're going to have to come back to this repeatedly and repeatedly. Validate. But you don't have to explain everything. I'm huge on talking about how our brains work. Why? Because that just reflects our individuality, and it's not something. Something that we chose. Right. Like, I didn't choose my kind of brain. I may have chosen someone else's that was more organized than mine. So I just like to normalize the idea that every member of the family has a different kind of operating system. And so this removes the stigma, and it makes it more a matter of kind of, like, biology than good versus bad kids. So depending how you want to say it, you could say, hey, in our. Our family, we just value each other's individuality and we all have different brains. And then you just point out, like, hey, your brain is great at transitions and following a schedule. Your brother's brain is wired to protect him from feeling out of control. It's very creative as well. Your dad, in case you haven't noticed, likes things just so. That's why he's so disciplined and he gets the details right. Well, I'm not very good at details, but I'm strategic and creative, and I can see the big picture. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Look, your dad can make everything very efficient, and you'll never have to worry about him not being prepared, like on trips. But what happens when plans change a bit on a trip? Dad's not great at going with the flow or being spontaneous, and he gets visibly irritated when we're running off schedule. Now, I can do things spontaneously and think creatively in the moment, and so that can be fun. But I often forget things, and that causes us to be inconvenienced at times. Well, you're so good at being conscientious when asked to do something specific. That's going to serve you really well in life, but you're not super creative. Now, your brother, he can create something from scratch. He's ingenious with that. But he can also get overwhelmed very easily. So the truth is, we make all kinds of accommodations for each other every day. That's what you do in human relationships. See, that's kind of my favorite approach. And you just normalize every day. Like, you could do that with you and your spouse. Talk about not your bitterness, but talk. I'm kidding. But talk about the accommodations that you make for each other. I appreciate dad's consistency, and I accommodate his stress when plans change and he accommodates me being late and not always being prepared because he values my spontaneity. Does that make sense? Number four, you can also kind of give perspective in this way. So human nature says we only see the part that we want to see. Right? The siblings only see the accommodation. What my brother gets out of that, this without seeing the struggle or, say, the cost behind it. And you can give perspective and point out that, hey, kids with pda, it's not like they're necessarily having, like, more fun. So the conversation is, hey, I know it looks like your brother's getting away with certain chores. That's not really how it works. Think about this. You have homework, you come home, focus on it and knock it out. You work hard, but it's not agonizing for you. It's agonizing for your brother. It stresses his nervous system more than you and I can imagine. And that happens literally every single day to him. It could be that the sibling with CPDA gets in trouble more or struggles more socially. So it's fair to give perspective, right? You could go the extra mile and say, hey, I wouldn't want to walk a day in his shoes. Daily life with school, it's just much harder for him. I don't think you need to go to the gratitude route because that could be overbearing. But there is a genuine sense that I'm grateful that I don't have to go through childhood with a brain trying to navigate the system that we currently have in our schools. It's just a fact. It's just harder for some kids. That's fair to point out. So you could do kind of special privileges for your other kids. You don't have to. If the PDA child gets special accommodations, ensure that your other kids have their own unique privileges that reflect maybe their capability, their maturity, maybe it's a later bedtime or more flexibility when they do things. So there's part of me that says the main perk of being more of a neurotypical kid and person is that navigating childhood and is usually just easier and more straightforward. It's like they're good with it because you just. Their natural inclination is, well, I wake up and I follow directions, and I do that. And then teachers like me, my parents like me, I get into college, I go out, I get a job, and I've got a pretty stable life. That's the big perk. And I don't. I point that out, too, because I want them to be good for the rest of their Lives just at recognizing different, like how life works. I would create the one on one time tradition. Tradition where your siblings, the other ones get your undivided attention. They don't have to talk about their brother or sister and they don't have to talk about pda. Maybe there's like a standard date and time like every Tuesday night. This is our thing. I will give you my undivided attention. And by the way, I like lots of time. So if you have lots of time, spend lots of time. But sometimes, just so you know, you know, 7, 10, 12, 15 minutes of very focused intensity with any other human being can really be filling inside. Because what do we do as spouses? We're so busy, it's kind of like, yeah, we're talking about the day. What needs to go on while I'm opening the mail, while I'm making dinner and while she's doing this. But if you stop and give eye contact, which is really important, and then if you touch, right, just physical touch while you're giving eye contact, you don't need a lot of time to really connect and do that. So create your one on one time. It could be sometimes that, you know, I talk throughout the program about getting our kids like after school, going to a neighbor's house. And part of that side benefit is now your other kids that are at home get to breathe a little bit. You get some one on one time with them. That's kind of a nice thing, you know, doing solo missions if you want, like once a month we're going to go overnight here or do some special thing. Love that time. So. And you can ask them, hey, what do you want to do? I would encourage this, and this is tricky. Encourage your sibling, the siblings to be to advocate for themselves. Teach the sibling that they can ask for accommodations too. They can speak up freely for what they need, including some time alone if things are too stressful at home. I think teaching all kids to be assertive about their needs is paramount and they should always feel free to ask questions. For clarification, I'd go a step further and teach them how to be assertive about their own needs within the family and and directly with the sibling. With pda, they shouldn't feel guilty about speaking up and knowing their needs are important. Okay, forgive me for one more geek out with hungryroot. The Korean barbecue chicken and garlic beef we ate tonight is cooked sous vide style, so it's incredibly tender and moist and it only takes a few minutes to heat up in a pan. Hungry root gives you your evenings back so you have more stress free time with family. Hungryroot is a great way for your kids to learn how to cook because it's delivered with the right portions and they'll be excited to feel like grown ups. Let Hungryroot take care of the grocery shopping and meal ideas for you. They deliver high quality food tailor made to your family's diet preferences and tastes with great options for kids you're gonna love Hungar root as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com calm use code calm and you get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm and they could speak up to a sibling. Maybe take an easy common one of like you've got one child who always seems after control of the game and wants to cheat or quit and he's bugging his sister to play the game. The sister being assertive could say, hey, I really want to play this game, but I'm not going to play if you are going to cheat or quit or change the rules of the game. Now the other child has an opportunity to say, well then I'm not willing to play either, but there's nothing wrong with them. Give them language to use in specific situations. If you struggle with this email specific situation, I'll try to provide a specific assertive statement. So here are some common kind of things you could say. Well, why doesn't he have to do homework? And you don't want to say, well, because he'll have a meltdown if I ask. It's just like, well, his brain's on overload right now. So all day at school he's working, you know, like kids. Good one. Kids with dyslexia, they're working three, four or five times as hard at school, so it makes sense to me that they get a break after school. So we prioritize other things over homework. That can lead to a bigger discussion of hey, here's your path in life. You have stated you want to be a nurse, a doctor, an engineer, an attorney. So that means you're going to have to do really well academically and that suits you because your natural aptitudes fit what you want to do. Pretty straightforward. Your brother though is probably going to take a different path. So we're prioritizing other things. You know that that reminds me of what I've done in our other work of saying like, well like what way you could, I don't want to say turn it around, but give perspective. Is, hey, you, other sibling, that's more neurotypical. What if we said all of a sudden, you know what, you're going to have to own your own business when you grow up. No college, no med school, no engineering. You're going to have to own your own business. You're going to have to be a risk taker and we're going to parent you like that. And then that child might say, but wait, I'm not made that way. Taking risks, being creative, seeing patterns and things, I'm not good at that. So you're going to make me do that? And you're like, ah, now you're getting it. Your brother's different. We prioritize different things, but also let the siblings listen to specific tracks in the program so they can understand better. Well, it's not fair that he gets to stay on his iPad. And you never want to say, well, you just worry about yourself. Now you can say, and I'm going to cover this in screenshots. You could say, hey, when I allow him to get on his screens in the afternoon for 30 minutes, it's just to help him regulate a little bit and feel safe. It's just a tool that he's using in the moment. I'm going to go through screens. I would, you know, they might say, I wish I had PDA so I could do whatever I want. And you don't want to dismiss that. I just say like, yeah, it kind of seems like that from the outside. What I hear is you want more freedom. So let's look at how we can give you more choice in your daily life without you having to feel the stress that he feels. You could write a note to the other sibling or siblings and it may come out like this. I wanted to write this to you because sometimes being the, let's call it the steady one in our family, well, that can be really hard. Or the one who just follows directions all the time. You may look at how we parent your brother or sister and think, well, that's not fair. Why do I have to follow the rules, do my chores and finish my homework while they get to skip it or stay on their screen? Well, what I want you to know are two things. One is you're right, it isn't equal. It isn't. And I see you, I see how hard you work, how much you handle, how much you contribute to this family. And then you validate. Right, of course, of course you would See it this way, but in our house, we're trying to raise each person according to their individual talents and aptitudes and brains. Your brain is like a high performance engine that handles demands really well. You can hear it's time for dinner. And even if you don't like it, your brain stays calm and lets you move. Your brother's brain is a little bit different. For him, a simple request like put your shoes on can kind of feel like a big alarm clock going off. And his brain reacts as if there's a real emergency. And sometimes he gets stuck or angry or just needs more time and space. Fair doesn't mean everybody gets the same thing. If we were all hiking and you had great boots, but your brother's boots were two sizes too small and hurting him fair wouldn't be giving you both a band aid. Fair would be letting him sit down or take a different path while you keep going. Because your brain is so capable, well, you get some extra privileges since you can handle more. We trust you with more. That means later bedtime, more choices in what you do, special time with us. It also means a lot of activities are just easier for you in some ways. That doesn't make how you feel any different, and this can be exhausting. But I always want to know. I'll listen. When you feel like things are out of balance, you can always come and talk honestly about that. I'll always protect your space so your brother and sister's big feelings don't take over your room or your fun. And I'll always make time for just us where we don't have to talk about PDA or brain stuff at all. I love who you are. I love who everybody in our family is. Our family's a team, and you're a huge part of why we win. I kind of like that. It's kind of a nice touch. So I think what I'd spend some time thinking about now is your own family. Reframe it. Take it out of that. Kind of like, well, one child gets this, one child gets that. Reframe it. And put it even in context, that your kids can understand because they know you and your spouse. And you can say, look. Look at how dad handles exercise. Dad is very regimented. He goes alone, he takes notes, he measures everything. Me, I do dance classes. I do yoga. Sometimes I do group training. We both do things in very different ways, but we support each other in that. And so that's what I want to do in our family, is know this. So to the sibling, I say, look, here's the path that I think you're taking and that you want to take in life. So what I, you and I can focus on is what specifically do you need so that you feel supported so you can be happy and live a meaningful life and achieve your goals? And, and let's make sure that you have all of those supports. And then I look at your brother with PDA and I think, okay, what is his path in life? What supports does he need to be happy and live a meaningful life and achieve his goals? And dad and I do the same thing. We're in it together. See, I like that reframing. So here's what we're going to do. Next up on the Q and A, I'm going to handle the. We're going to go through bedtime, which is always fun, and also how to handle burnout and screen usage and dependency. And I'm getting a lot of really great emails from other parents, so I'll be adding their comments. Obviously, I ask if permission. I don't share anybody's name and I'll make it generic. But then I can give very specific strategies and I'll add that to the program. So thank you for working so hard at this. Hey, moms and dads who listen to this podcast. Thank you for listening. I hope you'll subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes coming up. And if you want more information, go to celebrate calm.com and just click on the PDA tab. All right, respect you all, Love you all very much. Bye bye. Support is available 247 with VRBoCare. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help because a great trip starts with the right support.