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Kirk Martin (0:45)

Kids who are more emotional? They're particular little things kind of set them off whose meltdowns and defiance are not always predictable. And what works with other kids often backfires with our strong will kids. And our kids are prone to melting down in public and around family, which is embarrassing. And we have several holidays coming up, which means tired kids not on their schedule eating all kinds of junk in tough family situations and with you right in the middle. So how can you handle these common situations differently? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebratecalm.com where you can find all 35 plus hours of our programs in the final week of our special Black Friday sale. So how many of you experience this wonderful dynamic with your strong will child? When out and about with one parent, he or she is just great. You bond, you often have a lovely time, but now you add one other parent or a sibling and it's like 180 degrees down the wrong path and you find yourself in public bribing threatening first and hushed whispers and then kind of loud words in order to get your child to just behave or calm down. And you're often caught in the middle trying to manage the emotions of your child and spouse. Then it feels like this is there's like this huge spotlight on you in the store, at church, at family get togethers. We felt that all the time with Casey. And I want you to know this is common and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent or it doesn't mean you've done something wrong unless you can't control yourself. You talk too sweetly. Right, we know that, but it's common. So let me go through a couple real world scenarios with some insight and strategies. You'll likely get to use very soon. So first one, I think you'll be able to relate to this mom who emailed about her daughter and I'll add some commentary, but her words are just perfect. She said, Kirk, we were at church. My youngest daughter had a smudge on her cheek. Without thinking, I did what moms have been doing since the beginning of time. Went to clean off her cheek with a pat of my thumb. She pulled away and wouldn't let me touch her. Now the old me would have doubled down and insisted that she'd let me clean her cheek. We were in church. What if someone saw my less than perfect child and judged me? Doesn't she know how important appearances are? Doesn't she know I'm her mother and defiance is unacceptable? Look, we've all thought those thoughts before, but this mom said I caught myself. She said, I've been working through your programs. I've learned not to take it personally. The old me would have corrected her sternly or sighed with disapproval. But I've learned she wasn't primarily being defiant. She was embarrassed. And here I was drawing even more attention to it. Plus, like you've said, our kids are particular about sensory touch and don't like their privacy invaded because I don't like someone. I don't want someone touching my face like that either. Quick aside, you you've noticed. The old me would have corrected her sternly or sighed with disapproval. Even that side that we do that and kind of hanging our head. Then what do our kids usually do? What? Why are you yelling at me? What's wrong? See, there's this feedback loop and so we can stop the negative feedback loop by controlling our cells. And that's what this mom was learning. So she said, what I have also learned is that this was about my anxiety and my embarrassment over her behavior. So I caught myself and instead of forcing her to comply, I leaned down and whispered in her ear, would you like to go to the bathroom and clean it off yourself? And she nodded and whispered back, will you come with me? And in the bathroom, we both giggled at what might have caused the smudge on her cheek. She cleaned it off, turned and gave me a big hug. And I think that hug was a thank you for respecting her for not forcing my feelings on her. I'm finding that so many of these power struggles and meltdowns are being avoided because I am not reacting in the moment and making something into a battle of war wills. That doesn't have to be so moms, dads who are working so Hard at this. Like this mom. Kudos to you. That's. That's brave. It's courageous. It's really hard. And so I just want to recap three things this mom did brilliantly. One, mom controlled herself. Her anxiety, her embarrassment, her expectations, rather than controlling her child. Keep working on this. Moms and dads. It is the key to everything because these kids pick up on every single reaction of yours and it creates this feedback loop that escalates quickly, especially when there is embarrassment or shame involved for the child or yourself. Number two, mom gave her daughter some space and ownership to take care of the issue by herself. That question, hey, would you like to clean it off yourself? Brilliant. No one likes to be watched while they're struggling. And our kids love their independence. Work on giving your kids ownership of their choices, but always within your boundaries. It's just that we have to make our boundaries larger with these strong will kids. Again, you're not letting them get away with things. They don't get to do whatever they want. But I say, hey, I don't care how you get this done, just do it within my larger boundaries and we relinquish some of that control. Look, it's hard because the mom in this situation, she knew with one little swipe of her thumb she could have gotten that smudge off. And with most kids, that would have been enough. Swipe, gone, done. The whole thing is over in half a second. But with our kids, that could have turned into a wrestling match in church with everybody turning around to look at you. But she turned it into a bonding moment. And that is awesome. Mom turned a potential power struggle into a bonding moment with laughs and a hug. And this is what we're really after. It's a key benefit of having an emotional, strong willed child. And I know this sounds funny when I say it, but these are huge opportunities to turn what usually separates us and remember our narrative. Our daughter is so difficult. She won't let me just wipe the smudge off her face. I don't know why she see all the negativity that usually kind of permeates our brains. But we turned what usually separates us into an encounter that brings us closer to our kids and fosters greater trust. And that will pay off for decades. Good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship. And you'll hear that throughout the programs because it's essential. This will enable your kids to trust you when they're struggling through their teen years. And now I'm finding, even through their adulthood. Okay, now on to situation Number two, which I hope that you don't face, but you probably will. So you're gathered together with family, with your parents, brothers and sisters, with their kids, your kids, and especially with your strong willed son or daughter. And you're probably a little bit nervous and on edge because you hear some of those comments that are made or those judgments before, you've heard those before about your child who melts down, who's super particular with clothes and food, who acts out at restaurants and in school. And you know, your family thinks you just let your son or daughter get away with things, so you just need to discipline harder. But you've already done all the things that everybody says, right? You've been firm, consistent, you follow through, you've tried consequences, and it just hasn't worked. And the story I'm about to tell is actually just what happened with us in our family in almost every get together. So it's kind of very personal because you've heard this. Your family's already pressuring you and talking about your strong willed child and our family. They'd even goad Casey a little bit because what they knew he was the different one. And it's almost like there is this dynamic where they would take things out on him because they were mad at us for not taking more drastic measures, like we were being, we weren't being good parents. So it's like they were going to step in with our son and do it differently. And they knew that he struggled, right? They knew he was the one who didn't play as well with the cousins, the one who wasn't sitting on grandma's lap, the one who wasn't being fawned over by the grandfather and uncles because of his good grades and athletic prowess. Right? He was often just sitting alone, building something really complex and actually completely content if everyone would just stop comparing him or trying to get him to be like them. Or maybe you have a daughter like this who's just maybe in her own world or she's more grown up, but she doesn't always do things the way that your family wants her to do. And so while the cousins are outside playing, our son was inside by himself. So what's going to happen next? So we've talked on the podcast about how many of us have kids who are super picky about how their clothes feel. And that's why I'm thrilled that Me Undies is bringing their unbelievably soft underwear to kids. 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You can upload thousands of photos with your phone and watch them appear in seconds. It's easy to use. Setup takes less than 60 seconds. You can add new photos straight from your phone from anywhere. It's the fastest, easiest way to share photos of your kids and stay connected with loved ones no matter where they are. And now, as a special limited time offer for our listeners, get $20 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to skylightframe.com that's skylightframe.com calm. Get $20 off your purchase now at skylightframe.com/calm. You know what's coming next because you've probably lived this before. Your son, your daughter. They don't like turkey, yams and stuffing. They like the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else. Sitting still at a stuffy table with good manners while everybody eats and engages in conversation. It's just not their strong suit. So your child has begged you to allow him or her to eat some Mac and cheese early and just keep building or creating while everyone else sits around that long table talking and joking or listening to Uncle Frank dominate conversation about himself or politics. And you've tried to convince your child, honey, it's just one meal a year. You don't even have to eat the turkey, just eat the dinner rolls and sit there for 45 minutes. But you know your child is never going to say, you're right Mom, I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental brother, sister in law and parents. So you talk in Hushed tones with your husband. Now, this is how it worked in our home of my wife would come to me, honey, it's just not worth it. Just, just. I'll feed him early. He can just sit downstairs building with Legos, being content. It'll be fine. But the husband, me, that this is me. I was afraid of being judged by my family for being soft and coddling that little kid because they were all talking to me like, are you going to let him get away with things? When we were kids, we didn't get to do that. All of those things that assault your heart and brain. So what is the dad going to do in this situation? Probably like me, he's going to double down. So your husband charges away from you, heads towards your strong willed child who's happily playing by himself. And you know what comes next? Tears, Please. Sobs mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do this dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making me do this? And once again, you're caught in the middle between an admittedly challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make things more difficult, and a husband. Or it could be a wife, it could be reversed roles here, but in this case it's a husband who isn't that great at controlling his own emotions. Not to mention being caught between your child and an entire cast of nine family members, all playing their part wonderfully in this drama that is sometimes sport to them but is deeply painful to you. Because each one of these family members has their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a mom, even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder at than anything in your life. It's Thanksgiving afternoon and you start to cry. Maybe it's out loud or maybe it's inside. Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child? Why does everybody have to judge and pressure you instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself? And you know with 100% certainty that if you make your son sit at the dinner table, he's going to be corrected constantly by me, his dad. Because that's what I used to do. Because I felt pressured to be tough in front of everybody else and that's not going to go well. And your son or daughter will react. And now tension will permeate the entire dinner table while everyone looks on with disapproval and disdain like they all did at Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. And it's that shame will kick in and the explosion will happen and it's just you and your child against the world. Both misunderstood. Both second GUEST and you can't eat. You can't enjoy your family or Thanksgiving. And you just want to go home, curl up in the fetal position and not feel this judgment anymore. Why does it have to be so hard? And you're going to be feel like you're going to have to apologize 18 times to your family and it still won't mean anything because sometimes people want to judge you because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives. And most of the time they just don't understand what it's like to have one of these kids. And I want to encourage you moms and dads because it is hard. You're going to find yourself doing things that you promised you'd never do or you're going to second guess yourself just to get through the day. And that is very normal. And this was our experience when our son was young. I was that dad. And that was how most holidays went with our family. So what did we start doing differently? Look, I had to wrestle with this idea for a couple years. Am I being too soft on this kid? Am I letting him get away with things if I don't make them sit at the table and learn good manners? Will he become an entitled brat who won't work hard in life? Right. Is he going to be able to go to business meetings when he's an adult and handle these situations? These are all legitimate questions that will assault your head and your heart, usually right in front of people staring at you. So what are you going to to do? Is this the time to teach your child? Hey, not everything is about you. You'll sit and you'll be polite because it's the right thing to do. Because there is a time and place for that. But here's what we decided. I began to learn how to read the moment and make distinctions. But that was after I first learned how to control myself and not be swayed by everybody else. Because in the moment it's really hard and you get overwhelmed and some of you get anxious, some of you freeze up, some of you just react. And so when I learned to slow my world down inside, and I know I mention this all the time, but being calm was not the end goal. It was a means to an end. It helped me slow my world down inside so that I could look more clearly at all of these situations. And looking back on my life with Casey and these family situations, there are these pivotal moments and usually we kind of fall victim to Just reacting in the moment, and it blows up. And there's one moment and another moment, and before long, there are 17 different moments when I had blown up at my son and he was looking up at me like, dad, help me. I'm just a kid. I need my dad to help me. And I wasn't helping him. I was actually kind of against him in some ways. So now many of your kids, part of the reason they're a little bit older now and they have this anger inside and this frustration was their mom, dad. There were so many moments where I was looking to you for help and you weren't there for me. You just reacted and blew up. And after a while, it just accumulates. And so me slowing down allowed me in that moment to say, no, I'm going to make the right decision. I'm going to problem solve, just like I do with the office. Right. Because we'd make these decisions really well in other situations. But with our own kids, we tend to sometimes throw them on under the bus. So here's the distinction I learned to make. Hey, when you're going to your sister's recital, I know it's boring and you don't want to sit there, but this isn't about you. It's about your sister. So you'll go and be supportive, and beforehand, we'll run around like crazy outside and proactively meet your sensory needs. If it's going to a baptism, a wedding, your grandmother's 75th birthday party, or a funeral, hey, that's not about you. It's about something important to others. And even if it's boring, you do that with a good attitude, because that's the gracious, selfless thing to do. And that's what we do as a family. See, there are times for that. But in this moment, here's what's going on. We've been away from home for a couple days. Our son, your daughter, hasn't slept well. Everyone is loud. Their schedule is off. My relatives keep weird food in the house. The cousins are the typically good kids, so there's a lot of pressure. I am acting differently around family, and so is my wife, because we never know when that meltdown was going to come. Family members are unpredictable and judgmental. It's Thanksgiving dinner. It's stuffy and formal, and he doesn't like the food. And so what I would begin to think is, this isn't the time to die on my sword just to make everyone else approve of me. And so, like the mom in church, I'm not Here to please everyone else. My embarrassment is my issue. And I can't allow the opinions of a stranger in a grocery store or my family during the holidays to change how I parent my child. So we came up with two ideas. Why not have a kid's table and an adult table, and then the kids can do their thing and the adults can enjoy some adult time talking and drinking and being grown ups. And the kids can be kids. Well, sometimes that idea got shot down by the family with the perfect kids who wanted to show off their kids at the dinner table. So we read the moment, we let Cayce eat early when he was actually hungry and enjoyed building contentedly by himself. And when everyone asked why he wasn't at the table, we didn't lie and just say he was sick because we'd use that excuse like hundreds of times throughout his childhood. Oh, he's just not feeling well. Right. So we just said he already ate dinner and he was contentedly building something in the other room he wanted to show everyone later. And we sat in the judgment, the stares, the comments, and we ate our dinner. And it passed. Because part of it was when we learned how to be confident in it. It kind of took away some of the sting from the family. And so for the parents who wondered if we coddled him in those moments into being a spoiled brat, I'd love for you to meet Casey. He's an extremely responsible young man who makes good decisions, he leads people. Well, he still has a mouth on him because he's a strong willed kid and he got that from his mother. Just kidding. He got that from me. But he is capable of putting other people first, sitting through long meals, and he both respects and is respected by all the grownups, all the grandparents, everybody in his world. He was a kid then. Don't stress so much over these moments. Don't project into the future. Look, if you ever need help financially with our programs, you'll be emailing directly with Casey and you'll get to see he's like your kids. He's awesome for other people. Right? He's a good human. So for the next few days, think about the action steps here. The mom in church didn't take her daughter's actions personally. Let go of that ego stuff. She didn't choose an unnecessary battle of the wills. She gave her daughter some space to be independent. Really work on that with your strong will, kids. See, if you force it on them, they will resist. If you give them space, they'll often do what you ask. She ended up bonding over something silly. And part of learning how to control yourself is slowing your world down inside so you can read the moment and tell your family to go. I'm kidding. So you can do what's best for your family in the moment and I encourage you to do the same. Now, in the next episode, I'm going to give you some tools to handle family get togethers and family members, including your own spouse, who don't always agree with you. And I think you're going to find it very helpful. Okay, moms and dads, let's work on that. This week you're going to have opportunities to practice this and I love that your strong will kids are going to make you the most patient, calm people on the face of the planet because they're going to push all of your buttons and they really help us grow up. If you need help with anything, reach out to our strong willed son, Casey. Love you all. So much respect for you for working so hard at this and we do appreciate you sharing the podcast with others as well. Okay, we'll talk to you right before Thanksgiving.