How to Avoid Poisoning Your Child’s Confidence - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Podcast Summary: Calm Parenting Podcast – "How to Avoid Poisoning Your Child’s Confidence"

Introduction

In the April 14, 2024 episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into a crucial aspect of child development: safeguarding a child’s confidence and internal dialogue. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical strategies for parents and educators to foster a positive self-image in children. This episode emphasizes the long-term impact of parental and educational interactions on a child’s self-esteem and overall development.

Protecting Your Child’s Confidence

Kirk opens the discussion by highlighting a common scenario many parents face. He describes a family situation where a child is struggling with slow task completion, daydreaming, and lack of participation in group activities at school. These behaviors, often labeled negatively, can severely damage a child’s self-perception.

“Your number one priority should be to protect your child's confidence and internal dialogue fiercely, because this is what will guide them consciously or not, for the rest of their lives.” (01:20)

Kirk underscores that children internalize the messages they receive from adults, which can lead to limiting beliefs about their abilities and self-worth. For instance, a child labeled as "slow" may begin to believe they are inherently less intelligent than their peers.

The Impact of Negative Labeling

Kirk elaborates on how negative labeling can create a destructive internal dialogue within a child. He explains that phrases like "you shouldn’t be slow" contribute to self-doubt and a sense of inadequacy.

“I'm slow at doing work, so that means I'm not as smart. I shouldn't be so slow.” (03:45)

Such internal narratives discourage children from embracing their natural pace and unique thinking styles. Instead of recognizing and valuing their depth of thought, children feel pressured to conform to arbitrary standards set by parents and educators.

Shifting the Narrative: Celebrating Unique Strengths

To combat this, Kirk advocates for a paradigm shift in how parents and teachers interact with children. Rather than focusing on changing a child's behavior to fit societal norms, the emphasis should be on acknowledging and cultivating their inherent strengths.

“I process information more slowly because I'm a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue or problem.” (07:15)

He encourages adults to reframe perceived weaknesses into strengths. For example, a child who takes longer to complete tasks can be seen as a thoughtful problem solver with a capacity for creative solutions. This positive reinforcement helps build the child’s confidence and alters their internal dialogue to be more affirming.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Educators

Kirk provides actionable strategies for parents and educators to support and uplift children:

Affirmation Over Correction: For two weeks, parents are encouraged to focus solely on affirming their child’s positive traits without adding expectations or corrections.

“Your only job is you affirm the things that you already see your child doing well and you don't get to add. But if you would just apply yourself, you could do much better.” (08:50)
Communicating with Schools: He advises parents to engage with teachers to shift the focus from enforcing speed and conformity to nurturing each child’s unique abilities.

“We're releasing you from the pressure of trying to make kids work, do their work quickly. It's not a life skill that's necessary.” (10:30)
Redefining Group Activities: Instead of forcing participation in group projects, Kirk suggests normalizing different social preferences and leveraging a child’s strengths in these settings.

“It's perfectly normal. I'd rather have a few deeper friendships than a ton of superficial contacts.” (11:15)
Encouraging Creative Contributions: Teachers should be encouraged to value creative and unconventional answers, thereby validating a child’s unique thinking process.

“I love that you're a thinker. You have eyes to look around. Your head isn't staring down into a screen right now during recess. You're looking up and you're trying to contemplate things and how unseen things work. That's awesome.” (11:50)

Conclusion: Building a Supportive Environment

Kirk concludes by emphasizing the importance of creating an environment where children feel valued for who they are. By shifting the focus from correcting behaviors to celebrating individual strengths, parents and educators can foster a resilient and confident self-image in children. This approach not only enhances a child’s academic experience but also equips them with a positive internal dialogue that benefits every aspect of their lives.

“If you inherently believe that your brain is good and your heart is good and it works the way it should, you will be inoculated against this criticism.” (09:30)

Kirk calls on listeners to implement these strategies, engage in conversations with their children and their educators, and utilize the resources available through Celebrate Calm to further support their parenting journey.

Final Thoughts

The episode "How to Avoid Poisoning Your Child’s Confidence" serves as a vital resource for parents and educators striving to nurture confident, self-assured children. By transforming negative labeling into positive reinforcement and valuing each child’s unique mental processes, Kirk Martin provides a roadmap for fostering lasting self-esteem and personal growth in children.

Timestamp Reference:

01:20 - Importance of protecting child’s confidence
03:45 - Negative internal dialogue from labeling
07:15 - Reframing slow processing as deep thinking
08:50 - Strategy: Affirmation over correction
09:30 - Internal belief as inoculation against criticism
10:30 - Communicating with schools to shift focus
11:15 - Redefining group activities and social preferences
11:50 - Encouraging creative contributions in teachers

Note: Timestamps are indicative and based on the provided transcript.

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So maybe you have a child who doesn't follow directions well. Maybe they're slow at completing tasks, doesn't like group projects or daydreams. Or choose like 15 other behaviors that irritate us as adults. If I had one, one thing I would say is most important for your child's development. It definitely does not have to do with good behavior, conforming to arbitrary societal standards or even grades. Those are things that parents focus on but don't. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I will reveal that one priority that I would focus on more than any any other. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to our son Casey. C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We will get together as a family. We talk about it, we reply back to you personally and usually very quickly because that's what we do. If you need help with anything, just reach out to Casey. If you need help financially with any of our products and our programs, reach out to him. So here's a situation. Doing a phone consultation with this really great couple and their child is struggling with three issues in school. Now, even if these three don't apply to your child, the principles and action steps we discuss in this podcast are really important. So here are the three One, the child is getting notes sent home because he's taking 40 minutes to do a class assignment rather than 20 minutes. So he works slowly. Number two, he daydreams in class. And three, he doesn't participate to participate in group discussions and projects. And he tunes out a bit. So just think for a moment. This is a kid, a child who is getting in trouble or being made to feel like there is something wrong with him simply for being who he is, for the way his brain is made, for how he was created. Be aware of this because these subtle messages begin to form an internal dialogue that can last a lifetime and form limiting beliefs that affect every area of life. So if I had one thing I would say is most important for your child's development, it is this. Your number one priority should be this. Protect your child's confidence and internal dialogue fiercely, because this is what will guide them consciously or not, for the rest of their lives. So just think what is beginning to form in this child's mind and heart already. Remember, the three things. Work slowly. Daydreams, doesn't participate in class. So here's what he's starting to internalize. I'm slow at doing work, so that means I'm not as smart. I shouldn't be so slow. Ah, the word shouldn't. What an evil word, right? There's that in negative internal judgment beginning to take shape in this child's fertile little brain and heart. Already being slow is bad. I'm not as good as others. Other kids are better and smarter than me. Something is wrong with me because I'm slow. I shouldn't be thinking this way. I need to be faster like everybody else. The only way I've ever known to process information is apparently wrong and not good enough. So I have to deny who I am and become someone else in order to be accepted did by teachers and parents in order to be as good and smart as my peers. Can you see how devastating this can be? And this is from one simple thing that's happening in their lives. And I've pointed this out before, but it's worth mentioning again. Our kids are who they are. It's how they were born and created. This is the way their brains work. It's all they've ever known. They didn't make a conscious choice to be like this. It's their nature. And then we as parents, teachers, churches and society begin labeling them as bad and wrong and trying to change their very nature. And then we wonder why they are not Motivated, why they lash out at the good sibling, why they express anger and defiance. And as the child becomes older, this morphs into, people don't understand me or value me or my unique gifts. I am less than, and we don't want to go there. So some of you are still guided by a negative or limiting internal dialogue. Well, I am only worthy of people's love and acceptance and attention when I'm good or do what they ask. You learn that from your parents. When I don't, then I am bad and not worthy of their love. I am not really as smart as my sibling. I'm too short, too tall, too round, too thin. I'm not worthy of acceptance unless I look a certain way. I don't really deserve a good partner who puts me first. I'm not really capable of doing that. I'm lazy. I'm not smart enough. I'm not qualified enough. Oh, how many of you have that? That's why some people never jump in and use their gifts and talents they continually have. To get what? Well, I just need to get one more certification. I just need to take one more class. I just need to get one more degree before they can do what they're meant to do. You know, people like that, you may be someone like that, and somewhere along the line, someone drilled it into you that you're not good enough and you're not qualified enough. So you keep getting degrees and certifications to somehow prove that you are. But that doesn't work because those things are given from the outside, has to come from inside. And these limiting beliefs will sabotage you in your personal life. You will choose a partner that is not good for you because you think that you're not worthy of having a partner who's kind and giving and serves you and loves you for who you are. It will sabotage you professionally, right? You won't get the right job until the day you die unless you break free of these. So let's not put these shackles on our kids, right? It's bad enough that you and I have them, but let's break that generational pattern in ourselves. That's what we're about. But don't put these shackles on your kids, because this can start at age 4, 3, 2, age 7, last a lifetime, and they sabotage everything. So what if, though, what if we began to counter this? What if this child becomes. Began to have this internal dialogue instead? I process information more slowly because I'm a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue or problem. In my mind before making a decision that helps me develop creative solutions. I'm a problem solver. My brain works exactly how it is supposed to. And I will continue to cultivate that deeper thinking. It helps me be creative and see the world in different ways. See my deliberate thinking, my contemplation, my creativity. Those are unique advantages. I'm like a craftsman who takes his time building thoughts, building hypotheses, building solutions to hard problems. I am an asset to mankind and need to cultivate this thinking style in order to serve others and help humanity. Companies will reward me precisely because I do think think differently than others. I take my time, I'm conscientious, I'm a good thinker, and that will serve me well in life. That is what I want. Your child, this child, believing about himself or herself throughout his life. There is nothing conceited or prideful about this at all. This child is just recognizing this is how I'm created and it's good. And for my religious friends not notice the imprint of the Creator's own thinking here. Remember, after creation, God says what he created was good. Well, we're the ones who come along and mess all of that up, right? When we start saying like, no, it's bad and we're right. We do that stuff, man, and we don't even realize it. From a young age, you're starting to doom your child's internal dialogue, right? This kid didn't say he's better than others, just that this unique quality needs to be cultivated because it's good. So what are you writing on the slate of your child's heart and mind? With your daily words, with your attitudes, with your body posture, with your reactions. Now, the truth is you've messed up like I have because you're human. So you know what I'm going to say? No blame, no guilt. But let's course correct here and begin affirming your kids relentlessly. I do this with dads all the time. For the next two weeks. Your only job is you affirm the things that you already see your child doing well and you don't get to add. But if you would just apply yourself, you could do much better. No, you just affirm what they're already doing. Well, this is not fake praise. You're not giving them a participation trophy. You're merely acknowledging truth. Son, daughter, you're good at X, you're really good at Y. I really like how you do Z. You're recognizing that. Call it forth. See if parents don't do it, everything and Everyone else is going to challenge or take your kids in a different way, right? School, teachers, other kids, churches, society are going to criticize and see the worst. All those other voices. Watch. If you don't build your child up inside, once they start getting into the negativity of society in real life, every all those negative voices will merely reinforce what your child already believes. Now if you inherently though believe that your brain is good and your heart is good and it works the way it should, you will be inoculated against this criticism. Now look, I could stop the podcast here. Kind of tempted to tempted to been 10 minutes in because this is real work that needs to be done. But I think I'm going to go a few steps further and help. Let's talk about schools and teachers, how we change this dialogue as well. So we're going to protect and cultivate your child's confidence in view of himself. So what we want to change from is this. There is something wrong with you and you need to work faster to oh, this is an advantageous trait that we need and value. See how you see your kids and how you talk to them makes a huge difference. So I always want it when I'm talking to schools. I want to set a larger goal with teachers in the school. We want a curious kid who loves to learn. We don't need our child to complete tasks quickly. Okay, get rid of the arbitrary standards. Focus on what is really important.