Transcript
A (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
B (0:02)
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So something goes awry and your child, who can't handle disappointment well, doesn't like changes in plans, begins to melt down. He's angry, frustrated, disappointed, and nothing's working. You try rational talk. He gets more upset and says really disrespectful things or lashes out or throws something and breaks it and that's over the line. So naturally you say, well, because you just lashed out or threw that and broke that, you're going to lose your sleepover with your best friend or you lose car privileges from for the next three days and then your child really loses it. So how do you prevent this? How can we handle this situation differently? I want to give you a really cool strategy to use and that's what we're going to discuss on this special Mother's Day edition of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help with anything, reach out to our son, Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family, your kids, age of the kids, what are they struggling with? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply back to you personally, usually very quickly and with some practical tips. And that's what we do. And if you talk to Casey, here's what you're going to find. He was this kid, right? This is where we learned a lot of this. And we invited 1500 kids into our home over the course of a decade. All emotionally responsive, reactive, sometimes violent kids, kids with attachment issues, adopted kids, foster kids, all kinds of different kids on the spectrum. So if you reach out to us, you're talking to people who have been through this. And if you're dealing with Casey, he was the one who was really, really would get upset and frustrated like this. So by the way, I mentioned Mother's Day, all I'm going to say is huge Mother's Day sale on the website. Take advantage of it. So let's give some context here. I'm doing a phone consultation with this lovely couple and they have an emotional, strong willed child who is like all of our kids, right? Look, and if you're listening this, you're like, oh, you're describing our family. Well then good. It knows you're not alone, right? We all have these kids and this is like our kids, they've got an agenda. This kid knows what he wants. He's very particular, wants to control things, right? Because everything feels out of his control. Doesn't deal well with changes in plans. By the way, who does? Right. Doesn't do well with transitions or little things going wrong. Part of discovering how to help kids and how to help your kids is discovering what they do like and when they do excel. Because you always want to problem solve using a strengths based approach, right? So in the course of this conversation, we discover that this little guy likes to occasionally lead little hiking expeditions around his neighborhood and in the woods. So he'll grab a backpack, he'll fill it with snacks, then he will lead his family. Of course, he's the one leading because he likes to be in control. Because when you're in control, that gives you some homeostasis. It helps you feel like you're eliminating unknowns. It's not an unnatural feeling. We all do these things to counter the unknowns of life. So this child leads everyone where he wants to take them. Good, that's a positive. So one day out of nowhere, like your child, like ours when he was young, their son begins to get upset. And for many of our kids, this snowballs really quickly and they begin reacting, acting out, right? And I have a little side note for dads, moms too, but dads, I've got to get you to control yourself or your kids will react like you do. You can't separate this. If you're an adult and you overreact and you react out in situations and get upset and scream and yell. Your kids see that there's no blame and no guilt. I just want us to be honest and say, yeah, my kid sometimes is really reactive. But you know what? So am I. And so good if you're in that spot. Good. Well, then learn how to control yourself and begin working on yourself, right? Dealing with your own triggers as part of what we go through in our programs. Let's learn how to do that because then your kids will start seeing, oh, my dad, my mom used to get upset when X happened. But I notice they're controlling themselves. It's a really cool thing. So the child begins escalating, maybe demanding things. And the parents, we always react in a rational way. Way, right. The child sees he's not going to get his way, so he calls his parents something disrespectful or he lashes out at his mom or throws something in the house. In essence, the child goes too far. And so the parents naturally say, now you've crossed the line, son. Because of that, you lose your sleepover, you lose car privileges, whatever it is. And this sets all your child why? Because here's what he's thinking now. And look, this is really important. I really. If you need to listen to this three times, listen to this. Here's what your child's thinking. You know what? I've already lost what I wanted immediately, right? I'm not getting what I want already, so forgive me for this, but f this right? F this right. May as well burn everything to the ground now. So he loses it and you're talking maybe a 30, 45 minute meltdown, maybe hours of scorched earth just melting down and losing it. So what can we do differently next time? Now, here's the idea. I walked through with this really lovely couple. Number one, at the beginning, let's start using that intense validation. You know what? If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. See, that's better than trying to explain something rationally to another human being. Whether that's your spouse, a friend, in this case, a child who's not acting rationally, they're acting irrationally and emotionally. And that intensity is sometimes very settling in that moment. Number two, when the child begins ratcheting things up. De escalate before you discipline. De escalate before you give consequences. And I know this is so hard. It is. It took me a while to begin to recognize, oh, my son's face is all red, his eyes are aflame and he's no longer in control of himself. He's Gone emotionally, I have to step back at this moment. I. I remember exactly where I was in the townhouse we were living in outside of Washington D.C. when I first had this realization. And I remember at first thinking like, but I can't control myself, so I may as well begin, continue escalating things, because then at least I'm not the only one losing it. And now I can blame it on my child, justify my own overreaction, because look, what my son just said to me, does that make sense? So I know this is hard, but when you see that, you've got to start triggering. I got to step back at this moment, because if you keep talking, you're upping the ante. And then the child will simply go scorched earth. Because why not? He's already lost everything. Why not just go for it? And here's the third thing I want you to know. And this is what I really want you to listen to three or four times again. Share this with your spouse. Share this with teachers, because this is the core of it. I want you to recognize the shame and the embarrassment that's going on inside your child's head and heart right now. And look, we've all been there, haven't we? I've lost it before. In front of my wife, in front of my son, from my extended family. I overreacted to something. And what do I start seeing? These people that know me best, the people from whom I cannot hide a thing. They know all my quirks. They know the good parts of me, but they also know my flaws and shortcoming. And these are the people in front of whom I am naked and vulnerable, right? And now they're watching me and I'm acting irrationally, I'm overreacting to some stupid thing. And I'm a grown adult. And so what's my first response as a grown man? This is what I used to do. I feel embarrassed. I'm ashamed. And so in that moment, I've got a couple options. I can humble myself and say, hey honey, hey son, hey family, hey, listen, I'm sorry I put you guys in that position to see that I overreacted. And I'm sorry, but that's hard for a grown man or woman to do. Imagine being a 4 year old, 5 year old, 8, 14, 17 years old. That's hard. So your child looks up and, and sees one or both parents looking at him in the middle of his shame, in the middle of his or her embarrassment. And worse yet, maybe there's a sibling or two who never Loses it like this. Now I feel even worse. Now it's my whole family against me. I'm the bad kid. I'm the stupid kid who always does stupid things like this. And now I lost my sleepover or if I'm older, I lost my car, my phone. So now I can't see my girlfriend or hang out with my friends. And I'll be the only one who isn't there. And this isn't fair. Why am I the only one to lose this? It's your fault and you're mean and stupid and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of beating myself up. So now I just completely lose it. Because that's partly why I'm going to burn it to the ground. A little bit of self hatred in there, a lot of shame. And maybe, just maybe, my parents will lose it. Because then I'm not the only one who's out of control, right? Because you know how lonely and terrifying it is to be the only one in the family who's always upset and in trouble. See, can you hear that in your child's voice, right? And you can hear within that you saw the child flip to blaming, right? Am I the only one? And then he starts, you know what?