Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode #554

How to Discipline Intense Kids Without Using Fear or Being Permissive

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: January 18, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin examines how parents can discipline strong-willed, emotionally intense children without resorting to either fear-based authoritarianism or over-permissive, accommodating approaches. Drawing on decades of experience with challenging kids (including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD), Kirk offers practical, honest, and often humorous insights into building respect, connection, and self-regulation in strong-willed children—without power struggles, yelling, or emotional exhaustion for parents. This episode is especially useful for parents who fear being “too soft” or “too tough,” and who wrestle with breaking generational cycles of discipline.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding Strong-Willed Kids

• Strong-willed vs. compliant children:
  • Compliant, easy-going kids generally respond positively to most forms of discipline, often needing little more than a gentle reminder.
  • Strong-willed kids challenge boundaries, argue, and resist, forcing parents to reevaluate their own parenting and even how they themselves were parented.
• Why do strong-willed kids ask “why”?

  “When you ask your strong-willed child to do something...they will frequently ask why. And I promise 90% of the time they aren't being rebellious or difficult.” (07:05)
  They’re often seeking context, not simply being defiant; they are strategic thinkers who crave understanding and control.

The Disciplinary Dilemma: Too Tough vs. Too Lenient

“If you're too tough and stern, your kids will shut down or fight you harder. But if you're too sweet and cautious...they'll probably walk all over you.” (04:20)

• Authoritarian (fear/intimidation) approach:
  • Quick suppression of misbehavior, but breeds resentment, erodes trust, and promotes emotional walls and self-sabotage.
  • Kids may comply outwardly but do not learn healthy emotional regulation.
• Permissive (overly sweet/accommodating) approach:
  • Fosters connection, but may lead to lack of respect and failure to create lasting behavior change for strong-willed children.
  • Sweetness can come across as condescending or patronizing to bright, intense kids, leading to more acting out.

Why Traditional Approaches Fall Short

“Sometimes using that really sweet approach doesn't actually teach the child a different response...Strong-willed kids will find this kind of talk irritating and not helpful.” (17:25)

• Kids need both connection and leadership.
• Merely identifying and talking about emotions is not enough; strong-willed kids want tools and leadership to cope, not just endless conversations.

Kirk’s Recommended Approach: Calm, Connected, Authoritative

“The third approach...is the calm, connected, authoritative—not authoritarian—approach where I am the leader.” (11:40)

• Builds connection, changes behavior, teaches boundaries and emotional tools.
• Requires parents to work through their own issues with authority and childhood wounds, which can color discipline instincts.
• Empathy and validation are key, but must be delivered with firmness and non-emotional, matter-of-fact tone.

How to Respond to Big Emotions

• Avoid dismissing (“It’s not a big deal”) or over-analyzing (“How do you feel about that?”) intense feelings.
• When kids are upset:
  • Briefly validate with intensity.

    “Oh, man, I’d be really angry if I put that much effort into a project and it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. Man, that’s frustrating.” (24:01)

  • Don’t flood them with talk. Give them physical, sensory or mission-based alternatives to process emotion.
  • Distance and space are often helpful.
    Offer space for them to process and regain control before intervening further.

The Importance of Self-Regulation for Parents

• Recognize how your own discomfort with your child’s or spouse’s emotions can lead you to try to “fix” them, which is rarely effective.

  “I selfishly want to scream, could you please just process this and get back to being in a better mood so I can enjoy my day and be in a better mood. And it's hard.” (16:15)

• Self-awareness and practice help parents avoid emotional entanglement and stay grounded as the leader.

Practical Tools & Example Scripts

• Movement changes emotion: Give your child a physical or sensory task (e.g., splitting wood, moving furniture, going outside) to help calm themselves.

  “Please have in the back of your head or written down on the refrigerator, what are two or three different things your kids can do that are physical, that are sensory, that give them a sense of accomplishment when they're upset?” (26:58)

• Sample script for intense validation: (in matter-of-fact tone, not syrupy)

  “Man, that stinks. I hate when that happens...that recording app is so unreliable.” [Example from Kirk’s wife after his podcast mishap] (20:12)

• Offer autonomy and missions:

  “Hey, when you're ready, I need some help outside. If you’re strong enough to move some dirt, move some mulch for me...I could really use your help.” (27:54)

• Key phrase:

  “When you’re ready, ...” (28:46)
  (More on this phrase promised in the next episode.)

Closing Encouragement

• Practice the calm, firm, and connected scripts and missions in daily life and with your spouse, not just your kids.
• Wrestling with your own reactions and childhood beliefs is hard but necessary to change your family’s patterns.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Our strong-willed kids are awesome because they force you to look yourself in the mirror, deal with your own issues, question your old assumptions.” (06:10)
• “Discipline means to teach. We want to teach them how to actually be responsible for themselves, and we want them to ultimately respect boundaries.” (09:55)
• “That sweet approach doesn’t often actually change behavior. And…with strong-willed kids, it often breeds hostility because these are bright kids, and that really sweet tone sounds condescending and weak to them.” (12:24)
• “Strong-willed kids will find this kind of talk irritating and not helpful. What they're often screaming inside is, I know what my emotions are right now. It's not that hard. Duh.” (18:36)
• Story about Mrs. Calm “celebrate calming” Kirk after he lost his podcast file, then giving him a mission to split firewood as an example of modeling regulation and redirection (20:12–23:35)
• “Instead, I'd rather you walk into the room and say, oh, man, I'd be really angry if I put that much effort into a project and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Man, that's frustrating. See, that intense validation says, oh, my dad, my mom, they get it.” (24:01)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 04:20 | The discipline dilemma: Too tough vs. too soft and its impacts on kids | | 07:05 | Why strong-willed kids ask “why”—seeking context, not being rebellious | | 11:40 | Authoritative (not authoritarian) approach defined | | 16:15 | How adults’ discomfort with others’ emotions drives attempts to “fix” moods | | 18:36 | Why just talking about feelings often fails with strong-willed children | | 20:12 | Example: How Kirk’s wife handled his frustration over losing his podcast file | | 24:01 | How to validate emotions without sounding patronizing | | 26:58 | Practical example: Give sensory, physical missions to kids | | 28:46 | Key script: “When you’re ready, ...” and letting children regain control |

Next Steps & Takeaways

• Practice matter-of-fact, intensely validating responses rather than sweetness or interrogation.
• Develop go-to “missions” for your kids that involve physical activity when emotions run high.
• Reflect on your own beliefs and wounds around authority to avoid reproducing unhelpful patterns.
• Watch for the next episode, which promises detailed scripts and action steps for common emotional parenting situations.

Final Encouragement from Kirk Martin

“It’s going to be uncomfortable for you at first...In the end, this will lead to connection, to teaching, and to kids who can handle their emotions. Moms and dads, you can do this.” (30:11)

For more resources or personal help, visit CelebrateCalm.com or email Kirk and Casey at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.