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Or whether you're homeschooling or just filling.

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G O to get these PJs for you and someone you love. So do you feel compelled to lecture your kids? Do you have a hard time stopping? Do you feel like you're being permissive? If you don't, do you go on and on hoping your kids will finally get it and change their behavior? Do you lecture because you weren't heard as a kid or. Well, you're not alone. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's first of two episodes on how to shut up and stop lecturing so your kids actually listen to you and take responsibility for their own behavior. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our winter sale@celebratecalm.com so our most popular newsletter back in the day when we used to write one, was titled Shut Up. And I was always worried that people would get offended, but they didn't. And whenever I post a video on Instagram or TikTok or Facebook about this, parents are unusually receptive to the message. And I have a lot of respect for you for being willing to change. And here's why this is so important. Lecturing and talking too much makes kids more. More angry. It makes them less receptive to your wisdom, and it breeds resentment within your kids and inside of you. It destroys trust and relationships. And the worst thing in some ways is you go through all of that and it still doesn't work. So back in December, I released a video and I asked people to comment on why it's so hard to stop talking so much. And so I've spent the past couple months really going through all of the responses so I could address them individually and specifically. So I'm not going to format this as like 10 ways to stop. Instead, I want to read through the actual questions and comments and then provide my honest feedback, because I think that will be really, really instructive. And I think you'll hear your own fears and anxiety in this as well. So here goes. Oh, I'm going to ask you this, too. I may be a little bit harsh at times in this, and I don't mean to offend you. I'll be very direct. But always know I don't do blame or guilt, any of those things. But sometimes I will be a little bit tough. So one of the best questions was this. It's like I'm actually having a hard time identifying when, what, or if I'm lecturing. I have no idea what qualifies as a lecture. So let's start there. What is a lecture? So to me, a good way to discern that is this. If what you are saying is tinged with or born of your own parental anxiety, then your kids will sense that and resist that. When we lecture, it feels like we're being compelled out of anxiety to talk. I hope you know what that means. It's kind of like, well, I Kind of need to tell them. I really need to tell them because if I don't tell them, see that kind of uneasy feeling inside, and I know you know what that feels like because I can think of probably a hundred times in my life when I've said something to someone out of feeling compelled, and it never works. And so it definitely feels more like nagging than teaching. And we tend to go on and on when we lecture. Right? If you've listened to our discipline program, you know that the fewer words you use, the more confident you sound when you discipline, when you go on and on, it's like you're trying to talk yourself into it, you're trying to justify it. And I don't know any strong will kids or actually many humans who like to hear someone's voice drone on and on. Lecturing repeats itself over and over. Well, I don't think you heard me the first 53 times I told you. So I'm just going to try again and say it in a different way. And see, we often excuse it because, well, we just love our kids so much and we want the best for them. And if I'm being honest, lecturing is more about you satisfying your own need, your own anxiety, your own desire to, to talk and to prove something. It's prioritizing that over their behavior. Right? It's prioritizing. It's more about your own control issues than it is about ultimately helping them. But teaching sounds different. See, teaching sounds confident. I'm not entangled with my child and their emotions. I'm not entangled with trying, feeling compelled, like I have to get through to them. And my expectation is very different. I'm allowing the child to own his or her choice or choices rather than trying to convince them to do it for me or for any other reason. I am saying, hey, here's what I found in life, things tend to go better for me when I do X. Hey, I could show you a different way to try this in case you want to do it. And then I show them how I would do it, but without a lot of words or expectation that they will immediately do it my way. See, there's a big difference in that lecturing because I'm trying to convince and I really need you to listen to me and I need you to do what I want. You can. You feel that? Versus saying, hey, I'm a grown adult. I've been around for a while. I'm going to show you, I'm going to teach you, and I'm going to trust that you will get this. See, teaching tends to be more decisive and non emotional. It puts the onus or responsibility on the child. Taking responsibility. When you are lecturing, you are too emotionally invested in it. You are an equal part of the equation. It's like, well, I'm doing my part by lecturing you over this again and again, explaining things. And your job is to do what I tell you to do. See, teaching is modeling, it's dropping wisdom, then stepping back and letting your kids own their choices. You just have to relinquish control over over how they accomplish certain things. And I know that's hard. So a very common feeling is, well, I just feel like I have to say or do something. I really want you to practice this this week. Give yourself permission to say nothing. Stop filling that space. Give yourself permission to know that it's not your job to fix your kids. It's not your job to fix situation. You've heard me say this. Sometimes when we try to fix situations, we escalate and we make it a lot worse. So if nothing else this week I would write this one down. Give yourself permission that in this particular instance, I'm not going to fix it and I'm not going to say anything and that's going to drive you crazy for a little bit. But just watch how your kids respond. Now here is another comment. I'm Italian, so we just talk a lot and I'm going to be both sincere and a little offensive here. So look, you can't make excuses for this because I could say the same thing. Well, I have adhd, I'm neurodivergent and that just means I talk all the time. Well, I know that's in my wiring, but it's also an excuse. And I'm also hurting relationships by doing that. Right. I also have some Scottish and Irish background. Does that mean I'm destined to be an alcoholic and drink a lot? So if in my notes when the person had said this I'd written like, oh, I'm Italian, and my response was like, no, you're just being annoying. And I love my Italian friends and I love your food and I love your big personalities, but it's clearly irritating your kids, so why would you keep doing that? And yes, I do want you to feel guilty about this. I do, I want you to regret this because I, I want you to feel that. So. And forgive me for this. So you effing stop already. It's just after a while, sometimes, and this is the hard part of this that I warned you about it just becomes selfish because it becomes more about me and my need to express my anxiety and what you're doing wrong. And that's selfish. And selfishness never works in life. It's not good. So forgive me if I was a little too rough on you, but. But you probably needed that. So cut it out. Stop it. So here's the really cool thing and here's the first negative thing, right? If you continue doing that, you're just teaching your kids to be as annoying as you are. Not having any self control or self discipline because you're just impulsively blurting out lots of words that don't help. But the cool part is, if you do learn to master this, and you can, you will be teaching your kids how to have constructive discussions and handle conflict with their future spouse and kids one day, rather than just feeling justified to say stuff. Because you are the parent, you're the authority figure, right? Like think of all those excuses. Well, I have add, I talk a lot, I'm Italian, I'm the parent, I'm the authority figure. Those are just excuses. And it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't work. Now for most of us, where we get stuck is that we just get worried about our kids future, right? So it's about this. You have to control your anxiety over their future. And I go back and listen to the podcast from early January on controlling your own anxiety. Because we have to stop projecting into the future and thinking your child will always be like this. Because we start that when they're three or four in pre K and they can't sit still and they're getting in trouble or, or they're sitting in a hoodie sweatshirt when they're tweens playing video games all the time. We project into the future. We have to stop that and be more confident. So changing some of your own expectations and working with your child's nature will help a lot. Now here's another good one from these are great comments from all of you, so thank you. I get overwhelmed. Mom said the most challenging part is I've got three young kids under the age of five and it's all the stimulation I get all day long. And by the end of the day the yelling and screaming can really set me off. And if I say to them I need a minute or two, one of my two year olds will cry for me. Look, of course this would set you off. That would set me off as well. You're a completely normal human being. It would be weird if you had a bunch of loud noisy little kids demanding your attention and you were just happy. Go lucky all the time and it didn't bother you. This is completely normal. But here's a challenge. Something I want you to practice. And this is for if you have teens as well. In those moments when you're just overwhelmed and there's all that chaos and noise. Turn on some music in the background. Music has an amazing way of kind of modulating moods and emotions in the environment. And then sit down. Just sit. Start reading a book. Color. Lay out a jigsaw puzzle. Start playing with play. D'oh. Begin creating something or building something. The closer to the floor you are, the better. Learn how to modulate your child's behavior without using words. Because our words just add fuel and confusion and chaos. Really practice this. I learned this because we had 1500 kids in our home. We over the course of a decade. It's usually 10, 12, 15 kids at a time. They were all loud, they were all did all this stuff and I either could learn how to do this or I would murder children. And I didn't think that was a good idea. So I learned how to become kind of that calm, quiet but very engaged adult they were drawn to see. Talking and conversing requires a lot of energy from you. Coloring is really therapeutic and relaxing. And I would add this. You can try this with teenagers as well. Do you know how grounding it is to be a teenager filled with raging hormones and all the social media swirling around them and for them to just sit and color and be next to someone who's calm, who's in no drama. Try that this week. It's a really cool thing that will help you stop lecturing and help help change the entire environment. Okay, forgive me for one more geek out with Hungry Root.