Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #561 Summary

Title: How to Get Kids to Finally Listen...Without Using Words

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: February 8, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast dives deep into one of the most persistent frustrations parents face: why kids don't listen, especially when parents lecture or talk too much. Kirk Martin challenges parents to break the cycle of overexplaining, nagging, and lecturing—and instead, to rely on fewer words and more modeling. The aim? To create more peaceful interactions, foster true responsibility in children, and free parents from the anxiety that drives endless talking.

With a direct, often humorous, and practical approach, Kirk addresses real-life questions and comments from parents, examining why lecturing backfires and what to do instead. This is the first of two episodes on how to “shut up and stop lecturing so your kids actually listen.”

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Defining Lecturing vs. Teaching

• Lecturing is rooted in parental anxiety.
  • If you feel compelled to say something out of anxiety or because "you just have to," it's probably a lecture.

    "If what you are saying is tinged with or born of your own parental anxiety, then your kids will sense that and resist that." – Kirk (04:02)

• Lecturing breeds resentment and is often ineffective.
  • Kids tune it out, and it undermines the parent-child relationship.
  • It feels more like nagging than teaching.
• Teaching, in contrast, is confident and non-emotional.
  • Teaching means modeling, sharing wisdom, and letting kids own their choices.
  • The responsibility for change shifts to the child rather than the parent needing to fix everything immediately.

    "Teaching is modeling, it's dropping wisdom, then stepping back and letting your kids own their choices." – Kirk (07:34)

2. Why Parents Struggle to Stop Lecturing

• Many parents lecture out of love, anxiety about the future, or fear of being perceived as permissive.
• Sometimes, parents lecture because of their own upbringing—if they weren’t heard as children, they overcompensate by talking more.
• Cultural or personality excuses (e.g., “I’m Italian, we just talk a lot”) are examined and gently dismissed as unhelpful rationalizations.

  "Well, I have ADHD, I'm neurodivergent and that just means I talk all the time. Well, I know that's in my wiring, but it's also an excuse. And I'm also hurting relationships by doing that." – Kirk (11:29) "So you effing stop already… after a while… it just becomes selfish." – Kirk (12:08)

3. Giving Yourself Permission to Do Less

• Kirk urges parents to practice saying nothing and to allow space for their kids to respond.
• He reassures parents that refusing to fix everything doesn't mean they're permissive or failing—it actually invites responsibility in kids.

  "Give yourself permission that in this particular instance, I'm not going to fix it and I'm not going to say anything and that's going to drive you crazy for a little bit. But just watch how your kids respond." – Kirk (09:12)

4. Practical Alternatives to Lecturing

• Use action over words in chaotic moments: Turn on music, start coloring, do a puzzle, or physically sit on the floor to regulate the environment without talking.

  "Learn how to modulate your child's behavior without using words… Our words just add fuel and confusion and chaos." – Kirk (14:07)

• Role-play and model better behavior: Use tools like “rewind and replay”—have kids physically redo an interaction in a positive way without lengthy explanations.
• Offer simple, open invitations rather than delivering lectures:

  "Hey, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I've got some ideas about that if you want to come grab me later." – Kirk (21:18)

• Model ownership of mistakes by apologizing for unnecessary lectures and sharing your own process aloud.

5. Impact of Lecturing as Viewed by Kids

• Kirk shares a mom’s story: When she asked her 13-year-old daughter how lecturing made her feel, the response was,

  "It feels terrible and it doesn't help… you're talking and talking and it doesn't fix anything. It just makes me feel worse. You're just telling me things instead of helping." (25:21)

• This reinforces that children rarely have the "lightbulb moment" after a prolonged lecture. They need experience, support, and space instead.

  "You're never going to get that. Light bulbs don't go off after the 18th lecture… They have to learn by touching the hot stove and learning it themselves." – Kirk (18:04)

6. Letting Go of Anxiety and Perfectionism

• Many parental lectures stem from projecting fears into the future—worrying a messy child will never change, or one mistake will define their adulthood.
• Kirk cautions against this, sharing personal stories and reminding parents that children often mature and grow without constant reminders.

  "Won't he grow up to be a slob? In my experience, no… At some point your child's going to live on his own… It's not like any of your lectures really help." – Kirk (24:30)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On lectures and anxiety:
  "If what you are saying is tinged with or born of your own parental anxiety, then your kids will sense that and resist that." (04:02)

• On teaching vs. lecturing:
  "Teaching is modeling, it's dropping wisdom, then stepping back and letting your kids own their choices." (07:34)

• On cultural and personality excuses:
  "Well, I have ADHD, I'm neurodivergent and that just means I talk all the time. ... it's also an excuse. And I'm also hurting relationships by doing that." (11:29)

• Being direct with parents:
  "So you effing stop already… after a while… it just becomes selfish." (12:08)

• Advice for chaotic days with young kids:
  "Learn how to modulate your child's behavior without using words… Our words just add fuel and confusion and chaos." (14:07)

• Letting go:
  "Give yourself permission that in this particular instance, I'm not going to fix it and I'm not going to say anything." (09:12)

• From the perspective of a 13-year-old:
  "It feels terrible and it doesn't help… you're talking and talking and it doesn't fix anything. It just makes me feel worse. You're just telling me things instead of helping." (25:21)

Important Timestamps

• [02:24] – Introduction of the episode theme: Why parents lecture, and why it doesn't work.
• [04:02] – Defining what qualifies as a lecture vs. teaching.
• [09:12] – Permission to do less and not fix everything.
• [11:29] – Addressing cultural/personality excuses for overtalking.
• [12:08] – The tough-love "stop it" moment.
• [14:07] – Modelling calm and using nonverbal strategies.
• [18:04] – Why “lightbulb” epiphanies don’t follow lectures.
• [21:18] – Model letting kids initiate further discussion ("Come find me if you want my ideas").
• [24:30] – Why anxious nagging doesn't prevent future messiness.
• [25:21] – Teen feedback: Lecturing feels terrible and ineffective.

Practice Tips (For Listeners to Try This Week)

• Pause before speaking—ask, am I lecturing or teaching?
• Role-play or physically model desired behaviors (“rewind and replay”) without a lot of words.
• Create calm and regulation without talking—color, do puzzles, or simply sit with your child.
• When a child shares, respond with an invitation rather than a lecture:
  "I appreciate you telling me. Let me know if you want my thoughts later."
• Analyze your own anxiety: Why do your child’s actions trigger you? Are you projecting fear?
• When overwhelmed, give yourself and your kids space, and accept not every issue needs immediate fixing.

Closing:
Kirk encourages parents to begin practicing silence, regulate their own anxiety, and trust their modeling and calm presence. He promises to address more in the next episode, such as breaking silence with withdrawn teens and processing parents’ unmet needs from childhood.

This summary captures the heart and humor of Kirk Martin’s practical advice, offering both actionable strategies and the reassurance parents need to begin changing generational patterns—one less word at a time.