Calm Parenting Podcast: "How to Reset/Recover After You React/Yell At/Lecture Your Child"

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 22, 2023
Podcast Description:
Have a strong-willed child who doesn't respond to consequences, argues like an attorney, and refuses to do things your way? Good! You're in the right place. Celebrate Calm Founder Kirk Martin has given over 1,000,000 parents and teachers around the world practical, life-changing strategies to stop power struggles, yelling, and defiance NOW. Based on work with 1,500 challenging kids (many with AD/HD, OCD, ODD, ASD, etc.) in his home, and years spent in classrooms, Kirk's approach is refreshingly practical, honest, and laugh-out-loud funny!

Episode Overview

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the crucial skill of resetting and recovering after reacting negatively toward your child. Acknowledging that parents inevitably lose their cool, especially with strong-willed children, Kirk provides practical strategies to mend relationships and foster mutual respect.

Understanding Parental Reactions

Kirk begins by normalizing the experience of parents losing their temper. He states:

"Well, of course you do, because you're human and you have a strong-willed child and that's what happens."
[01:26]

He emphasizes that reacting angrily is a natural response but introduces the concept that what matters most is how parents recover from these moments.

The Importance of Resetting

Kirk introduces the concept of the "reset," a method to recover from negative interactions without dwelling on mistakes:

"Practice the reset when, not if, but when you blow it. It's not the end of the world."
[03:05]

This approach turns a potentially damaging moment into an opportunity for growth and demonstrates to children that it's possible to change and recover from errors.

Practical Steps to Reset

Kirk outlines actionable steps for parents to implement the reset:

1. Catch Yourself: Recognize the moment you're reacting negatively.
2. Internal Reset: Adjust your tone, body posture, and attitude internally. This might involve lowering your voice, asking a question instead of lecturing, or softening your facial expressions.
3. Apologize Simple: Offer a brief apology if appropriate, without over-analyzing or self-flagellating.
4. Move Forward: Continue the interaction with the new, calmer demeanor.

"Sometimes mine was simply changing the level of my voice or asking a question instead of lecturing. Sometimes it was softening my countenance or uttering a simple apology."
[03:45]

Real-Life Application and Success Stories

Kirk shares a poignant example of a father who successfully applied the reset technique:

"Instead of walking through the door and pointing out everything his son does wrong, he asked his son if he wanted to build with Legos together on the floor... Connection leads to cooperation, connection leads to compliance."
[09:55]

This father's ability to humble himself and engage positively with his son not only improved their relationship but also saved his marriage, demonstrating the profound impact of adopting the reset strategy.

Addressing Common Concerns

A frequently voiced concern among parents is whether apologizing to their children will undermine their authority. Kirk addresses this apprehension head-on:

"They already know you get frustrated easily. Meltdown when little things go wrong... It's not like they're going to say, dad, we never realized you have an anger issue."
[04:50]

He reassures parents that acknowledging one's struggles does not erode respect but rather models vulnerability and emotional regulation for their children.

Focusing on Self-Control

Kirk shifts the focus from trying to control children's behavior to managing one's own reactions:

"Change yourself, change your own reactions. Instead of trying to fix and change your kids, moms, dads, I want you to focus intently on changing yourself."
[09:15]

He underscores that self-control is within the parent's sole purview, whereas attempting to control children often leads to frustration and damaged relationships.

Engagement and Mentorship Opportunities

Throughout the episode, Kirk encourages listeners to engage with his mentoring programs and resources:

"If you're interested in that dad's texting mentoring program, go to celebratecalm.com... We take you through how to do this. The 30 days to calm program shows you the process I went through to control my own anxiety..."
[12:00]

He offers personalized support through text-based mentoring, catering especially to parents who may not have the time or inclination to engage with more time-consuming resources.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of embracing the reset strategy:

"The respect that we want as guys is a very noble thing... And when you try to control other people, it makes you frustrated and it frustrates them and it damages your relationship. It doesn't work ever."
[08:14]

He encourages parents to prioritize self-improvement and emotional regulation to foster healthier, more respectful relationships with their children.

Key Takeaways

• Inevitability of Reacting: Acknowledge that parents will occasionally react negatively, especially with strong-willed children.

• The Reset Technique: Implement a quick internal reset to recover from negative reactions without escalating the situation.

• Modeling Behavior: Demonstrating the ability to reset teaches children valuable lessons in emotional regulation and accountability.

• Self-Focus: Prioritize managing one's own reactions over attempting to control children's behavior.

• Support Systems: Utilize available resources and mentorship programs to reinforce and practice these strategies effectively.

By adopting Kirk Martin's reset strategy, parents can transform moments of frustration into opportunities for connection, fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding. This approach not only enhances parent-child relationships but also contributes to a more harmonious family dynamic.