← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
A
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- [01:21]
B
So do you ever mess up and just end up losing it? Right, like yelling, going on and on, making it personal and just reacting angrily towards your child? Well, of course you do, because you're human and you have a strong willed child and that's what happens. And guess what? It's probably going to happen again maybe within a few hours of listening to this podcast. So I want to give you a crucial skill to work on this week and I'll let you inside the special mentoring program I'm doing with dads. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Mart, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help. Email our strong willed son Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids. What do you struggle with? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply personally to you, usually very quickly. So here's what I want to get into. I'm going to try to make this kind of concise so we can focus on a very specific skill. So three times a week I send a text to a small group of guys that I mentor, right? Because I want to remind them of a skill we're working on. It's also very timely for these guys. They're busy, right? And they don't always read parenting books and they're not always listening to the podcast, but when they get a text, they're like, oh, yeah, I need to work on that. So here's what one of the most recent ones said. Practice the reset when, not if, but when you blow it. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it's a great opportunity to teach and show your kids how to recover in the moment and that you can change. So let's say you've gotten frustrated, you've reacted. Maybe you've yelled. Here's what I want you to do. Catch yourself. Don't double down. Don't beat yourself up, but do a quick little internal reset of your tone, your body posture, your attitude. Sometimes mine was simply changing the level of my voice or asking a question instead of lecturing. Sometimes it was softening my countenance or uttering a simple apology. And then I moved on with. With the new attitude. So, guys, let me know if you need help with this, because learning how to reset in a moment saved my relationship with Casey. And I always end these with, you're a good man. Because these are men who want to learn how to change, and I want to honor that. So we could end the podcast and this newsletter right there. Simply work on resetting and recovering after you inevitably mess up this week. Now, is it better that we not mess up so much that you begin to internalize these truths and work on yourself? So, of course. But you're going to mess up. And one of the most crucial skills is, well, how do you recover instead of doubling down and making it worse? Right? This is a necessary skill. It's not just for dads. It's for moms, too. Right? Right. So I received a couple interesting questions from guys that I want to share, and it's partly why I love this mentoring program. Because men don't always interact. They don't always want to have a phone call with some parenting guy. Right? But they do text, and they text freely. Right. And we have some great conversations back and forth. It's one of the things I love when I send out one of these texts and a guy says, okay, I struggle with that, so what do I do first? And I can walk them through it. Right? So. And that's partially why these texts are a perfect reminder in the moment, right? To control yourself, not your kids. So here's one of the DAG questions. Question what if I apologize to my kids and acknowledge that I struggle in this area? Won't my kids lose respect for me and my answer is no. They already know you get frustrated easily. Meltdown when little things go wrong, when there are messes on the floor, when your kids don't listen the first time. It's not like they're going to say, dad, we never realized you have an anger issue or that you overreact or that you struggle with that right. They've been watching your dad meltdowns for years. Look, I'm not knocking you. I did the same exact thing. Casey was acutely aware of all of my issues probably before I even acknowledged them.
- [05:52]
C
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- [08:15]
B
With a win, right? And that's why sometimes your kids don't respect you. Now. But I promise you, and I mean this, if you do the following, your kids and your wife will give you the respect that you want so badly as a guy. And look, I've said this before. The respect that we want as guys is a very noble thing. It's because we have been through the rough and tumbles of life and we know what it takes. And we don't want our kids to experience the same pain that we have. And so we want them to respect us so they listen to us, so they don't experience that pain. Right? That's a big part of what motivates men. And so here's the goal that I want to give you this coming year, but let's start with this coming week, okay? Change yourself, change your own reactions. Instead of trying to fix and change your kids, moms, dads, I want you to focus intently on changing yourself and changing your own reactions instead of putting all of that energy into changing your kids. Because the only person in life that you can truly control is yourself. And when you try to control other people, it makes you frustrated and it frustrates them and it damages your relationship. It doesn't work ever. So there's your goal. Now, here's another question. This dad texted me and he said, my struggle. I come home and stuff is everywhere. So I begin lecturing, yelling, making a scene, and I can see my wife deflated. And it kills me, but I don't know what to do. And the beautiful part of this was I was able to literally walk this dad through exactly what to do when he got triggered, right? Because he texted me, he's like, I'm on my way home. And I'm like, okay, we're going to do this together. So instead of walking through the door and pointing out everything his son does wrong, he asked his son if he wanted to build with Legos together on the floor. And I forbade him from making any negative comments or having any negative facial expressions, right? Because that escalates situations and your kids are very sensitive and they pick up on that stuff. You can't do it. So after actually connecting with his son, and you guys know this, connection leads to cooperation, connection leads to compliance. After actually connecting with his son, this dad, instead of being all upset and saying, how are you ever going to be successful? In life if you can't even pick up your Legos and everything else that we say. He began picking things up and asked casually, hey, would you help me pick this stuff up? And guess what happened? His son followed his lead. And you know how dad ended this? By giving him his son a fist pump. See, that's how it works. Now I get it. Should your kids just know to pick everything up? Of course they should. But you have strong willed kids and they don't always do it and you're just picking out every single thing that they do wrong.
- [11:26]
C
It doesn't work.
- [11:27]
B
And what your kids learn is, you will never be satisfied with me. All you ever do is pick out the things I do wrong. You're never happy with me. And that relationship will become frayed and then eventually broken. And what this dad did was humble himself, go up there, ask his son if he wanted to build. He did it with a smile on his face. He actually enjoyed his son. And then his son followed his lead because he first changed himself. It's a really interesting thing how it works. Later he texted and said, my wife said, you just saved our marriage. And he said, seriously? She said, that was the first night she's been able to relax in a long time. Because I didn't create a scene picking on my son during dinner. Right? Because that happens a lot. Sit up straight, eat everything right or when I got home. And that's why this is our goal in 2023, right? To focus on controlling ourselves instead of controlling our kids, to stop reacting and start leading.
- [12:29]
C
So let's work on that this week.
- [12:31]
B
Look, if you want to help with this, if you're interested in that dad's texting mentoring program, go to celebratecalm.com, look up, you'll see a tab and it says, dads pretty clear, eh? So you can look at that, see what's involved in that. If you have questions, email Casey, email me. I'll talk to you about it. But I would love to mentor you. Or if you just want to get the calm parenting package or get everything package, we take you through how to do this. The 30 days to calm program shows you the process I went through to control my own anxiety, my perfectionism, my OCD qualities, my way or the highway approach, all of those things, go through those programs as you do, email us. I will help you walk through that because I want you to be free from this and I want you to actually enjoy your kids and stop all of the power struggle. So thank you guys for listening. I did that in under 10 minutes. Not bad. I like it to be short and sweet because men tend to like short. Sweet, Concise. Get right to the point. And I wanted to honor that, so thank you. Let us know how we can help you. Love you all. Bye.